Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

leomonade

What should I do?

Recommended Posts

leomonade

I already said what's been happening in my life on my last topic, but basically I've been more and more bothered about coming out. Now that school started this week (I'm a high school sophomore), I have to live as a girl again, and lately a few people I know (online and irl) have been transitioning and it kinda hurts to see people able to transition safely while I feel like I can't even tell anyone I'm trans. I know my friends would be mostly fine depending on who I tell, but lately as I've had to be seen as female wherever I go I just want to live authentically as a male so badly. As of now, the only place I can safely be male is online, and though my school has been pretty welcoming to LGBT students (at school we had to tell everyone word by word our name and pronouns, which sucked for me since if I told them to call me by male pronouns my parents would find out somehow so I had to tell everyone I went by she and her, so it was a lose-lose for me. it hurt), my parents have been holding me back from being male in the real world for a while. I don't know much about my dad's political beliefs, since he doesn't talk to me ever about topics related to being gay/trans/etc, but my mom has been really nosy about it to me lately. She'll see me wearing tomboyish clothing and start talking to me and asking if I'm self-conscious about my chest, if I'm lesbian, and then goes on a rant about how nature gifted me with such a beautiful figure and god, I'm so tired of it. I'm so fed up with having to deal with everyone calling me she, my mom telling me how lucky I am to be gifted with such a pretty body, and constantly reminding me I'm a woman to her. I get that it's hard for a parent to accept their child is trans and want them to live a good life without complications. She's talked to me multiple times before about gay people, whom she's fine with but would prefer I wasn't, and she's talked to me once about non-binary people, which she thinks is dumb. She hasn't said anything about transgender people, as in FtM, Mtf, to me. About a month and a half ago, she caught me alone and told me that the way I dress, talk, and walk makes her suspect I'm a lesbian and told me she'll support me nonetheless because it's a parent's job to, but being trans is a whole other thing than sexuality when it comes to coming out. Maybe if I explain the science behind it to her, she'd get it, but I feel like she'll insist I'm just a tomboyish lesbian, since she tells me lesbians have more masculine brains, stuff like that. I could also tell my dad, but since I know more about my mom's opinions on topics like that and my mom's more present than my dad, I'm probably going to be telling my mom first if I do. Part of me feels like I have to tell her, just so she knows I feel this way and I won't have to explain anything if she found out I went by male pronouns at school, even if she doesn't accept me at first. But I just don't want my life to change so much just yet. I try to convince myself it's just a matter of explaining a deep feeling, but I can't ignore that my whole life is going to change one way or another once I tell my parents, one way or another. I want it to be my choice to change my life like that, but not gonna lie, I'm so scared to. Not to mention, my mom's been asking me more and more if I'm lesbian or self-conscious about my body, like I said, and I'm worried one day she'll ask me if I'm trans directly rather than asking if I'm a lesbian. What should I do if that happens? I'm terrified for my life to change now and feel like I need to do it myself instead of someone else changing my life, but I want to just live the way I want to as a man, or boy since I'm still in high school. But if she asks me first, I won't have to initiate the conversation myself. What should I do if she does ask me if I'm trans anytime soon? I really  need help on this 

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

If she were to ask that face on, my suggestion is to say that you are trying to discover exactly who you are, and that it does take some time.  Perhaps that could be an opening for you to get some counseling about your Gender Dysphoria with the help of your mom.  In most U.S. states, since you are an adolescent, doctors and therapists for your age group cannot discuss gender issues or other specified issues with your parents without your permission, unless you are actively suicidal or thinking about harming another person.  The therapist can become your helper to communicate with your mother and maybe father when the time comes that you are ready.  You can politely  tell her that some comments are not helpful, such as "how girly your figure is" or things like that.  Thank her for being your parent, but tell her you on a a journey of discovery in your mind and will communicate with her as you progress.  I have 3 adult children and had to butt out of their lives for some of their goals, which were hard for me, even though they are all three cis/het.

Share this post


Link to post
Carolyn Marie

I think your instincts are serving you well, hon.  They are telling you that danger lies ahead if you come out when you're not ready.  I have always counseled young people here, as have Vicky and others, that they should not come out to parents if there is even a 50/50 chance it won't go well.  There are too many things that can go wrong, and only one thing that can go right, and to me, that's too big a risk.  So my advice has been to not come out to parents unless there is absolutely no other choice, that waiting until you can at least make legal decisions for yourself is too much to bear.

 

Keep learning about this stuff; talk to people you trust, talk to us, read up on it, gather information that you can someday give to your parents to help them understand you.  You'll survive the next couple of years, hon.  We want to keep you safe, and happy.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post
reyindium

You are in a unique position because you have a parent who is actively expressing interest in knowing you but you aren't ready to share. 

I wasn't in a position of safety to come out when I was a teenager living at home. I waited to explore my questions about my gender identity until I moved 1000 miles away from my parents after turning 18. I was also independent financially too. Until I moved out, I repressed and repressed hard. And even away from my parents, I still would fluctuate back to dressing/acting cis when my parents were in the picture because I wasn't ready to claim ownership of my transgender identity. It wasn't until my mother divorced my step-father and we built our trust back up that I even considered coming out to her. And up until I did, I would've loved for her to straight out ask me so I could just say, "Yes, I am" instead of how it really happened....which was me calling her randomly yesterday and dropping the bomb.

You are in control of when and how you come out. Just know that once you tell others, you aren't in control of that knowledge anymore. People can tell others, even if you ask them not to. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
reyindium

Aaaand on the topic of safety, as Carolyn mentioned above...

I would caution you on covering your tracks very carefully with your online life. When I was sleeping with girls in high school, my gf's parents found love letters I'd written her because she didn't hide them well enough and they sent them to my mom, outing me (and our relationship).

 

Being outed in that environment was hell. And it robbed me of all control.

So be careful. 

Cover those tracks well if you aren't ready for someone to possibly find them.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 87 Guests (See full list)

    • Tessa
    • Dana Michelle
    • Dev
    • MaryEllen
    • SaraAW
    • Debra Michelle
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,856
    • Total Posts
      621,671
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,595
    • Most Online
      8,356

    jessica123
    Newest Member
    jessica123
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Jamied
      Jamied
      (55 years old)
    2. Mantori
      Mantori
  • Posts

    • Tessa
      Love Form   Love in it truest form Is kind and sweet It is so incredibly warm Its like a candy you can eat   It doesn’t boast  It wants to only be with you Its real and not a ghost If only people knew    The touch of true love Will always heal It won’t push and shove  It will cause you to feel   It doesn’t look at financial gain It love the rich and poor  It’s like a gentle rain  That falls and then begins to pour    True love is empty of pride  It lives in sickness or health  It doesn’t run and hide it doesn’t care about wealth    It looks inside your heart  Not the shell you are in  It loves your most vital part  It praises you when you win   It breaks through your insecurities It enriches your inner soul It brings you new opportunities It chooses to make you whole   It will never leave you empty  You will always want more  It will always have plenty  True love is knocking at your door   True love is free Anyone can give it out True love is in you and me  True love we can’t live without    It searches to and fro Looking for a heart to consume  Its a friend not foe  Its always has room    If you’ve been touched by its power Then you are under its spell This is the hour  To break out and yell   True love is coming for you Just you wait and see It will guide you through  It will lead you to your destiny    by Tessa      
    • DeeDee
      😂🤣 I used an online translator maid. Love it!  I spent the first couple of minutes doing that too, and while I think she exaggerates her walk to the more common 'casual' shoulder bounce when she walks past the guys in the street funnily enough I couldn't find any. I think they did a good job at pointing out the possible reactions and definitely the fear of rejection being coated in fake niceness.    Jani she has indeed been born, despite everything else so in a way it does have a happy ending. It is a part of history, the United Kingdom was united by the ruling classes so England did not have to worry about fighting a war on multiple fronts, outlawing the language happened after the Jacobite uprising, it stopped the peasants plotting and revolting, if it wasn't for the outlying islands the language would have been totally exterminated. There has been a concerted effort to bring it back which has had some success.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Yes its the same in anything.  people fear what they dont understand.  However it would generally be  straight men making all there same old record type put downs. However if they actually look deeper To be a Transsexual or gay actually gives them a clearer path to achieving there utopia. So in reality coming out the closet should be praised if they had a think as its just one less obsticle for them to concern themselves over.   Is it a threat to there manhood? No its just one more step up there ladder   Until they relise this then things will never change.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      As Far as Transexuality goes there have already been many studys on the brain diffrences.   Its been proved that brains reflet more to the gender they feel more phychlogical attached to   The human brain is a very complex but men have roughly 6.5 times More grey matter than woman. Woman 10 times more white matter than men. In the brain of the Transsexual the White matter reflets the white of born female. Its already been done. even pre hormones.  To the point where they took the brains of the deceased and examined them transsexuals and non Transsexuals repspectivly and results showed this also.   Well good luck to him if he finds something new.   However I would be cautious of a cure so to speak. If there is such a thing.  The only cure i know is what is avaliable now. Which isnt a cure but controls the symptoms. (Thats my take on it)   To put that in perspective. I do not feel the symptoms now. However tommrow if i decided to go back to trying  to live as a man I could be damm sure within a week all my symptoms of gender dysphoria  would be back.     I think and there are 2 sides to every story. He is trying to find proof that it is not just male and female brains but more diffrences than have already been established.        
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Thank you Ladies for your clarification.   Still all the same. Its nice to be able  to have the document to hand with correct details on it.   Im not sure again if its the same over there. But by Default the actual Certificate is not your property but property of the state. Therefore the powers that be have to authorise changes to it. hense the call for reforms to the law regarding gender recognition.   Which as a whole is still very good but needs some tweaking. Its very much misrepresented in what you can and cannot do without holding a gender reconition certificate.   To be honest. a scrap of paper that the goverment has soul ownership of has no bearing on my life because it no longer needs to be produced for really any purpose. I do need any goverment to instuct me on how i feel or live. But is the principal of the thing. I would change mine if it made any diffrence to me. But in reality it doesnt. But I never say never   So I hope that they archieve there goals in this matter.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Chan urrainn dhomh mo cheann fhaighinn timcheall air garlic.   But it was a lovely film and had me going right up till the end.  Is it really bad that i was trying to pick out a single feature to identify her as trans?   But i got it in the end. It was a abstact perception.   lovely post Dee. Great film showing the diffrent reactions to a transition.  It was a nice dress to.     Ill say this very small . I had to google translate to put galic in my post. I cant speak a work of it  Butt shhh dont tell anyone    
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Hey Charlize You may be 71 but have the soul of someone half that age. As you managed to tame that beast.   Get those goggles on and keep on riding sweets 😎
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Hi Ricki. Thank you for you opinion.   I would be very happy to be enlightened in how you formed this opnion and where the conclusion for it manifested themselves from   I am not lacking Terminology. I would be more inclined to believe as i stated.     Just a walk or a voice can be part of this constuction. Subcoinsouly we make up our minds who is male and who is female before we ever get to asking pronouns or indeed even talking to them. Preemptive if you like.     I am talking about society in general and not  minority groups. If those you mentioned were accepted broadly then there would not be the need for parts of this forum and there would not be storys of people who believe this is there gender or sexuality being ridiculed or put down for it as it would just be as normal as male and female are and have been seen since we came out of the caves. At least in western culture anyway. ( I am also talking outside the confines of the internet)   I am all for people being what they want to be in there minds. But the trick is to proactivly be accepted by all. Which as i said may happen in the next Fifty years. But at this time i feel is not and will not be while the stigma remains attached to it in the view of it not being part of the social constuct. I do hope there will be scenitific evidence that there being neither gender is part of biology and is a proven fact.   As i have concluded anyone can say they are or can be whatever they want. Me for instance could expect Lady before my name as under  scottish law this would be my bistowed title as i own  land  therefore have a title. But I dont expect or demand anyone to call me by my title and i do not expect people to know it on there first glimpse of me. I do not announce it.  Hense if someone wants to correct me on pronouns then fine. As I said Im not judge or jury. I can only go by what sceince teaches us.  Transexuality is a proven medical and biological condition. Unlike Enby's and Ace's which is at this time to my knowledge not. I have spent many years working towald being called by a female pronoun. To fit into the socail constuction of what it is to be female.   If im wrong then as i have said in many posts on many occasions. Show me my error and i will accept with open arms. (Well being honest i already do) on the basis people are entitled to live and be who they want. My condition gives me a very open mind to others. But facts convince me completly. But it is not me that needs convincing. Its the human race.     Thanks Tracy. It was just a typo and  it was never my intention to sound like i know your mind. 😊         I would definatly try to get him to say "GORDONS ALIVE" and perhaps tell the gorilla story to 🤣   However i will say this if you came to my shop then on the basis of your picture It would be Ma'am or Miss. You may call yourself Androygne but I would aire on the side of female pronouns on your presentation.  Then see if you corrected me. Which i wouldnt expect as you present as you do.   just a point to note. british  driving licences. If its a male one in general it will never have a title where a Female driving licence will have a title Such as Miss or Mrs. As womens titles change were mens do not regardless of there status. This also includes the numbers on it. Well in female and male driving licences but thats an obvious one. Mine now has Miss were my old one had no title. Just straaight into a name. Some people say its sexist. I  was actually was quite euphoric about having a title 😉 and the female id number.  A bit of a milestone so to speak    
    • tracy_j
      Looking good Charlize! You are reminding me of an old life from some time back   Tracy
    • EvanC
      Oh, you have an beemer, and it's just about as old as me. Looking great!   I haven't been on a bike in over 20 years, but I still miss it sometimes. I guess it's not too late to think about getting on one again someday.
    • Jani
      Yes it is a bit sad but then, maybe not as she has awakened from here past.     I must admit I have never heard Gaelic spoken conversationally so this was an interesting experience.   I can never understand the arrogance of those who would make speaking in one's native tongue illegal.  
    • Jani
      I know we do have other college folks here, but due to schedules and the issue of dorm room privacy (for those not out publicly) they may not check the site often.    I think connecting with the GSA was a good choice.    Cheers, Jani
    • Jani
      Looking good Charlize!  Be safe when you're out there.     Hugs, Jani
    • VickySGV
      Looking good there.  I have never had the courage to ride one of those.  I used to be fine with the pedal type of bicycle, but the engine driven ones were too scary.
    • Charlize
      I took the old gal out for a lovely ride today.  She started with the first kick.  Awesome for a 52 year old bike ridden by a 71 year old woman.  Such fun
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...