I Feel Ready.....But I Cant

[CallMeKai]

I've come up on a year of going by he/him pronouns with my friend group at school. It doesn't seem like that long ago and its hard to think I have come this far already. I know a year is not that long but after questioning myself for over 2 1/2 years I feel like things are starting to make sense, I think. I feel ready to tell people, to come out and say I am still questioning but I would prefer to be called he/him. I want to try my name more and see if it is comfortable for me.

I think I am getting a new job and they asked for my preferred name and gender. I wanted so badly to put down male, and my name that I'm trying but its so hard when my parents disagree with everything I do moving in that direction. I still live in the house with them and its so hard for me to do things when everything I try seems to make my mom upset. My mom basically breathed a sigh of relief when I said I wasn't going by a different name with my friends, this makes me upset because for some reason her feelings matter more to me then me being comfortable. I don't go by he/him in the house, even though my whole family knows about me question, because there is a fear that something will go wrong. That I am going to make people upset, I don't have many friends to begin with and I don't want to lose any people in my life. There is so much anxiety with coming out and I know that's part of transitioning but it feels like my social anxiety makes it all worse. I never correct people when they misgender me because I freeze up and continue on. I cant correct people to save my life and I don't pass enough to present as male, people will think of me weird and/or hate me before they know me. I know that's probably not true, but when you are so self critical of yourself you think everyone else in the world is the same to you. 

I wanted to start gender therapy but the last time I asked my parents for that they got me a religious regular therapist who knows nothing about trans kids. I am scared to talk to them again and get a real gender therapist so I don't have to be so dam confused all the time. I don't have money to pay for one myself and my insurance doesn't cover it so I am stuck with my thoughts.

I don't know, I guess I just needed to rant about my situation. It doesn't make things better but other people know. 

[Jani]

Hello Kai and thanks for the update.  I understand its hard around the house but it will pass when you are able to set out on your own.  It will happen.  Hang tough.  Soon enough you'll be able to connect with a gender therapist and from there you will have someone to speak with who understands and can help you one on one.  Until then, keep posting and sharing your thoughts.  Please don't let the anxiety get to you.

 

Jani