I came out to my mother. I guess...

[RH+/-]

Hi, I'm new here, I just joined the community.

 

I am very, very happy that I can finally talk about myself. So, this year in January I accidentally came out to my mother as a transgender man. She panicked if I was kidding or not, then started to ask expected questions like "were you sexually assaulted; why do you think you would be happy as a man; why do you think that people will love you as a man; do you like girls or boys etc." I tried to give clear answers to her, but I ended up crying because I didn't even plan to come out, it just happened suddenly. I got stressed and confused incredibly fast. After that she too started to cry, and just stared at me. Later she said let's talk about it some other time. 

In the summer I started to initiate conversations about this with her, but she either started to cry or fell asleep while I was talking... I know it must be a lot to her, considering I never talked about either myself or anything, really, so everything came out with a force I couldn't control. Not that bad so far. 

Since then she started to call me by my birthname way more often than before, and calls me with all kinds of -crappy- girlish petnames possible. I want to look over that because she's my mother, she can call me whatever she wants, however much it hurts me. She acts like nothing happened. But when we converse with my sister and this topic comes up, it shows that she's been researching the surgery part of it, but talks away from me. 

I'm very sad that I can't talk to her, I don't want to break the good relationship we had thus far. I don't know what to do, how to approach her. 

 

Can anyone give me advice about this matter?

 

Thank You for your time reading this!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  I see that you're new here.  Is there a name you would like us to use, or just address you as RH?

 

Coming out to family is the hardest thing for almost all of us.  There is no predicting how it will go.  Parents are probably the hardest nut to crack, as they have your lifetime ingrained in them, believing that you were one gender only to find out that you never felt that way.  They usually blame themselves, or try to blame others ("you've been spending too much time on the Internet" and such ideas).  Because of that, they often take a long time to accept, and sometimes never.

 

A couple of ideas here: whenever the issue comes up, keep reminding her that whatever gender you say you are, whatever physical changes may come, you are still the same person, and your love for her will never change.  Equally important is for her to understand that her continued love for you is critical, essential to your life and your happiness.

 

There are many informational things you can find on the Net to download that explains being transgender in ways cis-people can understand.  PFLAG, NTCE, GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) all have downloadable resources for family members.

 

Things often get better with time and patience and love.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello RH and welcome.  I second all that Carolyn Marie has written.  It is difficult to talk to parents about this, especially if they haven't noticed any signs on their own.  

 

Yes this is a place where you can talk about yourself!  Please join in the conversation.  There are many others in your same situation.  You are among friends. 

 

Jani

[RH+/-]

Thank You both for the replies! 

 

I haven't considered the downloadable pamphlets, because she doesn't speak english (there isn't too much information about this in our country) , and I thought it was enough what I was explaining to her, but I might be saying something wrong, or she might misunderstood me somehow. I don't know yet, so I'm gonna try again. 

I'm gonna post an introduction soon, and I'd like to interact with the people here. I found transgender people are one of the most patient and nicest people out there, so thank you for blindly accepting me! :) 

 

Heiko

[SaraAW]

Welcome Heiko and thanks for sharing. I wish more advice for you than has already been offered by the lovely ladies above. 
 

*hugs*

[ShawnaLeigh]

I feel your pain as I too just came out to my mother and it has not gone well. At all. More for her then me.  She basically accuses me of killing off her son. Her first born.  I'm making a tremendous mistake and beating on me for hurting "everyone"  I know.   Though we have had a very strained relationship for years, I was trying to mend fences but she is not willing to accept me for who I am and she refuses to try to get past it all.  It hurts but I will just let her have time and maybe she will come around.  If not then it is her issue not mine as I have a life to live.  The way I want, not what others think I should be.  This is easier for me as I am fairly old (52) already and have set ways even though I am in transition.  

My advice is to give her time and space but do not let it linger to much.  Keep reminding her who you are and maybe she will come to it.  Maybe not.  Being angry will not help either of you so try to be as understanding as you can but stand up fro yourself too. 

Its a tough reality that those of us who decide to transition will eventually lose some and gain some.  Its a fact.  Its part of the risk of coming out vs hiding yourself for the sake of others, or fear, etc...

In the end you need to do what is healthy for yourself mentally and physically.  If there are those that chose not to be in your corner then you simply have to understand and give them there space.

That's what I am doing anyways...

Good Luck and Welcome..