Taking the next step

[Vivian319]

Hello,

 

I’m at the stage now where coming out is a necessity. It’s just not fair to my spouse to be hiding what I truly am. I am under a great deal of stress hiding my feelings away. I almost feel as if I am doing my family a disservice and being unfaithful by keeping these feelings to myself. So it’s now or never.

 

Whatever this is, it’s not being satisfied by dressing up in secret and internalizing my feelings about embracing the woman I have longed to be. I have been thinking about timing the coming out occasion. Along with my spouse, I have a toddler so it is hard for us to have uninterrupted alone time to talk about something this important to me without any distractions. But that is just the thing: I can’t have any distractions when this happens. This is possibly one of the most difficult things I will have to do in my life and a lot will need to be discussed. A lot of stability in my current life is at stake here, and I am taking a leap of faith that hopefully I will at least have support from the ones I love most. I have weighed the odds and I have decided that this needs to be addressed, not just out of respect for her but for my own livelihood as well. I can’t go on keeping these feelings within. Not in this day and age, where living authentically is a reality and the opportunity exists.

 

Well, now that I have laid that all out I am reaching out to this forum for some advice. As far as timing is concerned: with kids, holidays, etc can anyone offer me any advice? Thanks!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Hello Vivian319,  I am so with you on everything you just wrote.  I am walking the same path as you right now in many ways.  My only difference is my kids have grown and are out of the house now.  (They still don't know at this time.)

The absolute need to come out hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have had this inside me as long as I can remember, like most here, but I had always intended to just remain hidden and live out my life as is.  Then I had a metal breakdown 4 or 5 weeks ago over this.  It came out of nowhere I swear.  I had to tell someone what was happening.  I was confused and very scared.   I sought out help from a gender therapist before telling anyone anything.  I had to understand what the heck was going on with me and why is it so powerful.   I also join here and read everything I could and then asked everything I could.  No matter how stupid I thought it might be or how embarrassing.  There are zero judgements here and I found that many felt as I do.  That was a huge load off me just knowing that.  I was not alone.  Not broken. It fact I was experiencing normal feelings in this situation.

Coming out to my wife was indeed the very pinnacle of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Security and livelihood aside I just did not want to lose her or my life with her.

I had used letters to come out to a few female family members which were received with very positive responses.  My wife had to be told face to face and I was a tear-fest.  It took me a few days to get it all out.  What a mess but I finally did and we talked and talked and talked.  

Eventually I did say everything I needed to say and she understood and even supports me.  She helps me at times understand women and what to do and not to do.  However she will not stay married to me once I transition to full womanhood.  Just stay my friend.  (This hurts even now writing it.)

My work, all the public, all my friends, my two bothers, and my children still don't know.  I was asked to wait until after the holidays to finish coming out to everyone as to "not ruin the holidays for anyone".  I agreed, but admit it is hurtful to me as "my" feelings once again get push down inside.  Like I am not as important as all the others.  I will say it feels right to continue after the New Year as it is always a time for change and new beginnings.  

 

I agree with you that you will have to say something.  How can you not?  However, I would not be in a hell fire hurry to pull off the band-aide and blast everyone with the news.  Some folks like me have used long letters where you can get all your feelings and explanations out in a logical order and not forget anything and truly say what you really want to get across to them. It also gives the person reading it time to absorb it all without being in s shock sense of mind and blurting out things they may not mean. 

Some folks have to do it verbally as they feel its just the right way.  That's the worst way for me as I mentioned above.  But not a wrong way.  Everyone is different.

There is no right or wrong way.  No time limits.  No guidelines for sure.  Know this however, the risk of negative response is there for every person.  Don't fool yourself.  You may loose some, may definitely lose some,  but you will keep many.  I would suggest telling those you have little to no doubt will support you.  It is nice to have a support system to fall back on if things go ill with others.  In this I had felt terrible because my wife was not the very first I told.  I still feel guilty about this.  I went to my sister first.  I wish I could have that different but its water under the bridge.

 

Keep us posted too.  It may seem odd to you now but we really do care.  

 

 

[Jani]

I understand you're stressed out and all but have a plan before you have this conversation with your wife.  Wait until after the holidays as it will more than likely throw a dark cloud over them.  Speak with your therapist about how you will do this, as I mentioned a plan is essential.  To just hit critical mass and blurt it out will do no one any favors.

 

Jani

[Vivian319]

Thank you all for your honest feedback. It indeed is hitting me like a ton of bricks and so I plan on coming out to my spouse a couple of days after Christmas. I have been giving a lot of thought as to what I will say. Regardless of the timing, I will do the best I can but I also need to make the most of my time away from work so that we have time to process these mutual feelings without any distractions like work. I truly don’t think I will want to keep it in until after the new year, but definitely after Christmas.

I read an article online that has helped me relate to some of the struggles I am going through. I thought I would share it here to maybe help some people understand these peoples perspective. It hit home for me:

 

https://gen.medium.com/the-trans-people-youll-never-know-e7aa0fa3666b

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Vivian319!

 

I had this conversation with my own spouse about a year ago. Let me share what I learned:

 

Don't open with a joke. Seriously. Don't. Just... don't.

 

Open and honest. Don't hold anything back. Tell her the whole story and then let her digest it. You're partners and this is about communicating your needs to your spouse.

 

She's probably going to need a little time to process. Don't rush. Let her roll it over in her head until she manages to wrap her mind around it.

 

She's going to have questions. The way we handled it, is she wrote all her questions down over the course of a week. Then we sat down and I addressed them all face to face.

 

Stress that you still love her. I just realized that I'm assuming that your spouse is a women. You didn't say. Anyway, there are feelings of abandonment and the idea that you're moving on without her. Stress that you'd very much like her to come along.

 

She might need a couple of weeks to come to terms with seeing you as yourself. Don't spring it on her, but don't let her tell you to go back into the closet either. Find a balance.

 

Don't raise your voice. This isn't an argument, it's a heartfelt confession. If she shouts at you, just take it and respond in a calm, measured tone.

 

She might want to talk it over with her friends. She did it with my blessing. I trusted her judgement as to who she could tell and who she probably shouldn't.

 

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. What are you going to do if she doesn't take it well? Do you have a place to stay if you need to? There are several girls on this very site who's spouses turned on them like a rabid wolverine. (If you don't have wolverines where you live, please substitute another medium sized mammal with an attitude problem.)

 

I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but that should get you started. Best of luck!

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I like using letters.  I have a hard time telling anyone about this verbally.  The letters let me pour it all out then edit things in a way that wasn’t babble.  I can say everything I need to say and then change it all over the course of a day or so to make sure it’s right. Then it gives them time to absorb it before asking you anything. 
To me it also avoids the constant possibility to be interrupted and going off topic.  Answering question out of sync from how you want to tell them.  I would forget half of what I needed to say and then the tears would flow.  
Yep.  Letters the best way for me. 

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Yep.  Letters the best way for me

 

Totally agree.  My coming out letter to my wife was six pages (!).  The one to our adult daughter, much different in approach and phrasing, was one and a half pages.

 

[Vivian319]

I did it! I came out to my wife today as a transgender woman. I am so relieved that it is done, and lucky to have such a supportive spouse who will embrace this part of me and help me develop into my true self. It was tough for me to do, but we shared a few hours of feelings back and forth, and it couldn’t have gone better.

 

Now I have a safe space in my own home and I can freely express myself as I need to. I am on top of the world right now!

 

i still have a long road ahead. There could be some lovely times ahead in store for me, but the social transition is going to take some working on before I can gain the confidence to be myself other than at home.

[ShawnaLeigh]

59 minutes ago, Vivian319 said:

I did it! I came out to my wife today as a transgender woman. I am so relieved that it is done, and lucky to have such a supportive spouse who will embrace this part of me and help me develop into my true self. It was tough for me to do, but we shared a few hours of feelings back and forth, and it couldn’t have gone better.

 

Now I have a safe space in my own home and I can freely express myself as I need to. I am on top of the world right now!

 

i still have a long road ahead. There could be some lovely times ahead in store for me, but the social transition is going to take some working on before I can gain the confidence to be myself other than at home.

OMG that is FANTASTIC!!!

I am so happy for you!  What a huge relief for you I know.  It is such a hard thing to do.
This is amazing to me as mine was not as welcoming to the news but things have gotten better since. 
CongratsViv!

[Jackie C.]

Congratulations @Vivian319! A supportive spouse makes the rest so much easier. Now take your time and enjoy the ride!

 

Hugs!