Coming Out At My Condo

[DonnaBall]

I live in a small condominium association that has two buildings and 22 residents. Everybody knows everybody and we see each other as we come and go to our cars parked outside. 

 

I am in a situation where I have only been able to be Donna when my wife is not home.  She knows I have been doing that and thus she is finnaly leaving me for a permanent separation as soon as she can find another place to live. She can't stand the thought of me wanting to be a woman. 

 

Once that happens I plan to live as Donna as much as possible and see how that works out, but here is my delema.  Once I leave home someone will see me and the secret is out, and I'm sure the news will travel fast.  This is Florida, I am a young healthy 74 year old and most neighbors are my age or older.  I have had previous experience with living full time as Donna in other separations away from home and passed very well. 

 

Does anyone have a similar experience? Once the cat is out of the bag there is no putting it back in.  Does that mean that in this community I can't "come out" and then go out as Don or Donna as needed until I decide to make a complete transition? 

 

I very much love this condo as I put much of my time and energy to modernize it and make it a perfect place to live.  Also the social life here is great as we have weekly get togethers in the club room as well as many conversations when we see each other outside. 

 

I would appreciate any advice. 

 

Donna

[ShawnaLeigh]

Donna,  You are not alone in feeling this way.  Coming out is a difficult experience and can be a huge trial for each and every person you have to tell.  Both for you and them.  Huge amounts of fear and anxiety and if you do not feel that then you are miles ahead of the game. 

In a community that is very close knit you will have both supporters and some who just will not accept it.  Some wont care either way.  I certainly do not think there will be a time when you can tell some and hide from others in your condo association.  Once one knows they all will, in other words.  So perhaps its best just to come out to who you feel is your closes friends or those who you feel will be supportive and will understand, then let it take its course from there.  After that just live your life as you wish as from that point it will not matter who knows or not. This can be a huge weight off your shoulders.  Massive stress relief once everyone knows. In this time you will be amazed at how others will treat you.  Some will act like nothing has changed and others may ignore you. Some may even speak negatively to you so prepare for that as well. This is an unfortunate fact of any transition today.

I would focus on those who accept you no matter what you wear.  In the end you will be living as you and that's what will matter most.  Your happiness and heath of mind and sprite.

 

Now take this with a grain of salt as I do not know you nor your association folks well at all.  I may be missing your point or simply do not know things.

Good Luck! 

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Donna,

I live in kind of a rooming house where we rent  rooms and the rest of the house is common area. About 3 years ago I got very sick and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance because I couldn't breath. My neighbors/housemates came in my room to let the paramedics in and saw my boots (obviously womans boots). Later, when one of them asked me about them, I decided to come out as trans. He disn't understand much about it, but he accepted it.

 

The one thing I recommend is to make sure you're safe. If you feel there are neighbors who might cause you trouble, it might be best to conceal Donna somehow when you go out until you are out of range of them. But if you feel it's safe going out as Donna right from your door, then just remember that you are living your life for yourself and not for them. 

 

Lots of love, 

Timber Wolf ?

[Jani]

Well obviously you could be the one who leaves, letting your wife stay in the this condo.  That way you are in a new community.

 

[Jackie C.]

I personally found for the most part, that my neighbors don't care. One thinks I'm super brave though and is nicer to me than he was before. Exactly zero of my friends made a fuss when I came out to them. They basically said, "Well duh," and we moved on. The only trouble I've personally had is with family.

 

That said, if you're close with these people, if you call them friends, it's probably fine. Come out to some that your trust first, then expand your circle. Warn them before you show up as Donna so they know what to expect, but start doing the things you'd normally do with them, just as Donna instead of Don.

 

My only worry would be any bylaws in your association that say they can kick somebody out for being trans. You can still be evicted here in Michigan for being trans so you might want to look into your legal standing and how your community relates to that. I mean they don't HAVE to kick you out for being you, but if you have some neighbors who WOULD, that can cause friction.

 

I didn't find coming out to be that traumatic. I had a lot of anxiety at first, but it faded as I came out to more people and nothing continued to happen. It made me sad the couple of times it DID happen, but the people who rejected me don't deserve a Robyn in their life. I'll continue to hang with my actual friends and my found family. They're plenty.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Hi Donna and welcome! This forum is a great resource. Everyone here is really friendly and supportive. 

 

I read your intro. I'm sorry about your marriage. But it definitely sounds like you know who you are, I'm sorry you had to repress that all those years. Hopefully y'all will find happiness through this. 

 

Do you have any close friends at your condo? Like closer than the rest? Someone you can trust to come out and talk to about it? That might be a good first step to coming out to the rest. I dunno just a suggestion...

 

~Toni

[DonnaBall]

5 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Donna,  You are not alone in feeling this way.  Coming out is a difficult experience and can be a huge trial for each and every person you have to tell.  Both for you and them.  Huge amounts of fear and anxiety and if you do not feel that then you are miles ahead of the game. 

In a community that is very close knit you will have both supporters and some who just will not accept it.  Some wont care either way.  I certainly do not think there will be a time when you can tell some and hide from others in your condo association.  Once one knows they all will, in other words.  So perhaps its best just to come out to who you feel is your closes friends or those who you feel will be supportive and will understand, then let it take its course from there.  After that just live your life as you wish as from that point it will not matter who knows or not. This can be a huge weight off your shoulders.  Massive stress relief once everyone knows. In this time you will be amazed at how others will treat you.  Some will act like nothing has changed and others may ignore you. Some may even speak negatively to you so prepare for that as well. This is an unfortunate fact of any transition today.

I would focus on those who accept you no matter what you wear.  In the end you will be living as you and that's what will matter most.  Your happiness and heath of mind and sprite.

 

Now take this with a grain of salt as I do not know you nor your association folks well at all.  I may be missing your point or simply do not know things.

Good Luck! 

 

Thank you Shawna Leigh, 

 

There are three people that I am close with, two ladies and one guy.  The guy I go out to lunch with every week.  He probably won't be mad at me.  Yesterday I asked him what he thought if I got my ears pierced and 

he said he doesn't care, but I would be very surprised if he wanted to continue our lunches with Donna. 

One of the ladies I help out.  She trusts me very much and asks for help with very personal stuff like helping her put on some jewelry because she lost her dexterity. 

The other lady also looks up to me for advice on the condo. I used to be on the board for a long time and she is now. 

I will tell them and see what happens. 

[DonnaBall]

5 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Donna,

I live in kind of a rooming house where we rent  rooms and the rest of the house is common area. About 3 years ago I got very sick and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance because I couldn't breath. My neighbors/housemates came in my room to let the paramedics in and saw my boots (obviously womans boots). Later, when one of them asked me about them, I decided to come out as trans. He disn't understand much about it, but he accepted it.

 

The one thing I recommend is to make sure you're safe. If you feel there are neighbors who might cause you trouble, it might be best to conceal Donna somehow when you go out until you are out of range of them. But if you feel it's safe going out as Donna right from your door, then just remember that you are living your life for yourself and not for them. 

 

Lots of love, 

Timber Wolf ?

I'm not worried about my safety.  Every one here is old and friendly or mind their own business and I don't expect anything physical, but thanks for bringing that up, it is something to keep in mind. 

[DonnaBall]

3 hours ago, Jani said:

Well obviously you could be the one who leaves, letting your wife stay in the this condo.  That way you are in a new community.

 

Hi Jani, 

I think I would rather deal with a known than an unknown. I live in Naples Florida and a house in my neighborhood this close to the Gulf of Mexico is over a million dollars, so I would have to buy another condo where I would be a stranger and a trans one at that.  At least here there are people who know me and like me, at least as Don. 

This neighborhood is so great that I would have to buy a house far away from the coast to afford it and I don't want to maintain a house. 

There are other reasons why my wife should leave that I can't get into now. 

[DonnaBall]

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I personally found for the most part, that my neighbors don't care. One thinks I'm super brave though and is nicer to me than he was before. Exactly zero of my friends made a fuss when I came out to them. They basically said, "Well duh," and we moved on. The only trouble I've personally had is with family.

 

That said, if you're close with these people, if you call them friends, it's probably fine. Come out to some that your trust first, then expand your circle. Warn them before you show up as Donna so they know what to expect, but start doing the things you'd normally do with them, just as Donna instead of Don.

 

My only worry would be any bylaws in your association that say they can kick somebody out for being trans. You can still be evicted here in Michigan for being trans so you might want to look into your legal standing and how your community relates to that. I mean they don't HAVE to kick you out for being you, but if you have some neighbors who WOULD, that can cause friction.

 

I didn't find coming out to be that traumatic. I had a lot of anxiety at first, but it faded as I came out to more people and nothing continued to happen. It made me sad the couple of times it DID happen, but the people who rejected me don't deserve a Robyn in their life. I'll continue to hang with my actual friends and my found family. They're plenty.

 

Hugs!

Thanks Jackie, 

 

The by laws are OK but thanks for bringing that up.  The only ones are about making too much noise but even then all that can happen is you would be fined and it would take a committe of three for that to happen.  We have a no pet rule and two people have dogs and there is not much we can do about it.  With 22 owners the legal costs would raise the condo fees and no one wants that. 

I do worry a lot when I come out and for me it will be traumatic.  I also wonder what would happen when in the beginning, because of neccesity, I might have to go out as Don and my neighbors will wonder what's going on.