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Coming out


Jamie231

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So I've been seeing my shrink weekly now for almost 4 months, I've been diagnosed with identity disorder (I cant remember the right word, starts with a p...lol) (and I start HRT on March 18th), my wife has been thinking I have been seeing her for depression.  I have come out to my 2 daughters (15 and 23), and my mom, all of which have been very accepting of it. My 2 younger daughters with my current wife (5 and 7) do not know, but are really to young to understand yet, and my 2 sons (16 and 18) I have yet to come out to, as they both look up to dad 100% and are following in my younger foot prints. So I saw both my shrink and primary care doc (who also knows, and said I have the best team in the area for this), on the same day and they both made me realize that it is time to talk to my wife, as she should know. So I did that eve. She didnt take it well at all, she thinks that I am either crazy or sysco and will not see my shrink with me. The next day, she told me that 'i better think myself straight' or she will leave me and take our 2 daughters with her, as she does not want to be in that kind of relationship and she doesn't want our daughters around that either (I know there are laws to protect me, so that doesn't matter, i cant lose seeing my daughters). And how she didnt marry into that type of life and how she doesn't believe in that.  So I am at a loss, I have seen my shrink sense and cried about the whole session. I cant hide who I am and who I want to be anymore, it is just causing more and more problems.  So i am thinking that I will 'hide' it until after the holidays and after I get some funding saved to be able to get my own house (also I'm disabled,  so funding is tight for me). I know I wont feel good that way, but I think that is the only way to do this. I would rather have her stay, as I do love her with all I am, but I guess we weren't meant to be sole mates after all (it kills me to write that). Everyone's journey is different and here starts mine.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Jamie.  Its a pleasure to meet you.  So sorry to read about your recent struggles with coming out.  I can relate to your experiences.  It’s both a freeing experience but at the same time, a painful one.  Your statement...I cant hide who I am and who I want to be anymore...  is one that many of us here have stated to ourselves and eventually to our loved ones.  There sometimes comes a time in our lives that we need to stop life’s merry-go-round and try another solution...to be honest about who we are.

 

I wish your wife could take a moment to try to understand the true you.  Her telling you to ‘think yourself straight or else’ shows a lack of understanding of your situation, lack of patience to learn more about you, and the empathy to help you where you are right now.

 

I have come out to several people who reacted similarly to your wife but was lucky that these people did not impact my life as directly as your wife has in your marriage.  What advice has your therapist given you about trying to salvage your marriage.  I personally have lost a daughter and 2 grandchildren in a similar way.  The only advice I have received is to take time, be patient, give her space and don’t force anything.  It’s a very passive way of dealing with an issue like this but some people need a lot of time apparently.  I hope your wife has a change of heart however small the change may be.  Hang in there, Jamie.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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Yes I too am in a similar situation.  Although my wife took the news very logically and said she understood and will even support me in this as far as she can.  Ending her statement with once you become a women we divorce.  She will not be in a marriage that is or could be considered a lesbian relationship.  So I feel your pain sister.  
I am truly sorry this is how it went for you as it is so hard to be treated that way by the one you love the most.  It’s heartbreaking and crushing.  
I would take Susan’s advice and give her space and time.  Try to educate her as best as she will receive it. 
Day by day is my advice.  Try to live as yourself as best you can.  Control what you can and live it day by day.  Stress and anxiety will eat you up if you think to much on it.  
Good Luck and welcome.  

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