Transphobia as a trans person

[Belle]

I have read about how a lot of trans people have transphobia, and how difficult it can be. I am one of those people. I have loathed myself since a child when I realized that being feminine was "unacceptable/crazy/etc."

 

I went to a trans support group tonight (second week in a row). The first time I was terrified but excited. I left feeling like I had temporarily opened a dysphoria relief valve.

 

This time there were a few more people. One was a trans man who scared me (not intentionally), and another was a beautiful trans woman in fishnet stockings ♨️ ? ?. They came in late and my anxiety skyrocketed. I could barely say anything else. The group was talking casually about things in the local LGBTQ+ scene and it is so far removed from my life experience that I was super uncomfortable. It caused the same feelings of dysphoria that I get when I worry there's no way I will ever be able to transition.

 

I felt for a little while afterwards that maybe I'm not trans. I wanted to judge them and not be like them. But then I realized that it's my deeply embedded transphobia. I'm a "good little Christian girl" inside, even though there is no such thing.

 

Does anyone have experience overcoming transphobia who could provide some words of wisdom?

 

Belle ❤

[tracy_j]

I think a point to remember is that we are all people and will have our phobias like anyone else. I have noticed that trans people can be transphobic, or perhaps more hypercritical of themselves and other trans people. Personally I work through things myself and have avoided the trans community as such, if it exists locally, but I do realise how helpful support groups can be so don't recommend that course for anyone with problems or unsure of the way forward.

 

Tracy

[ShawnaLeigh]

I have yet to attend a group but I do want to check it out and see if its for me or not.  I don't intend to go feet first in joining rallies and such but I would like to make a few friends I can chat with face to face that understand me.  Naturally I am more interested in friends that are in my exact same boat.  MTF lesbian and marriage issues.  LOL

But I am a fairly open and friendly person so I am keeping that open as well.

I can understand that some transfolks could make one uncomfortable.  Yes we are all grouped in a LBGT category of love is love but we are all different too.  I don't see myself having much in common with most of the community as I have come to understand it and quite frankly my personal time is much enjoyed just staying home and doing my own thing.  

Groups may not be for me.  They may not be for you either.  Though you seemed to really embrace your first group.  Your second may of caught you in a funk or mood.  Give it time.

[Belle]

5 hours ago, MaryMary said:

I certainly understand what you are describing Belle. My strategy is to listen to the little girl inside of me and ask her what she missed the most. The answer to that is empathy, understanding and knowing she's not alone to be trans. I act with others like I would with this little girl, I try to be as empathic as I can and I try to be as openly trans in my life as I can.

That's a great idea, thank you Mary!

 

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Honestly if I acted with others like I act with me inside my head now I would be an horrible person. It's one of the symptoms of PTSD to have a very very harsh internal critic. I just shut this voice as best as I can before allowing myself to be as harsh with other trans people as I am with me. I wouldn't be comfortable with that, especially since I know what I think about me is totally stupid and useless in the first place, lol

These are helpful thoughts. I don't know if there's any PTSD in there for me except maybe from a lifetime of hating myself, but I certainly need to keep on working at accepting myself. That will make it easier for me to accept other trans people for who they are. When I start having those bad feelings I'll try to understand what it is that I'm afraid of that I am seeing in them and then talk myself down from it.

 

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My personnal example :  I know that where I live my strange life story trigger a lot of skepticism, lol I had a voice problem when I was 12 and my voice was very very high pitched. I took experts and 5 years to fix it. The experts told me it was stress that caused this problem. This problem and the intense indimidation that it triggered gave me PTSD. I just CAN't talk with my old voice in public, i'm just too traumatized still for that. There I was, at a trans support group meeting and this whole story triggered an intense session of doubts and skepticism. They were asking me to prove it and talk with my old voice. It was the worst way I was treated since I had the voice problem. Those people, at that moment, were just horrible... like having a high pitched voice was too good to be true, lollllll  I went 2 more them since then (in about 6 years)

I think it's pretty cool that you naturally have a high voice! I'm sorry you have had so much trouble with people though.

 

Belle ❤

[Jani]

21 hours ago, Belle said:

They came in late and my anxiety skyrocketed. I could barely say anything else. The group was talking casually about things in the local LGBTQ+ scene and it is so far removed from my life experience that I was super uncomfortable.

Those people were comfortable in their skin while you are not quite there yet.  Consider this as the same reaction in other situations where you are "out of your element".  This LGBT+ scene they mentioned may not be where you belong.  Its different than your expectations/experiences.  Its OK.  But you can still celebrate that they have found what they need to be happy.

 

6 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Yes we are all grouped in a LBGT category of love is love but we are all different too.

This is an important distinction.  We are part of many other subsets of society.  How many other groups would you feel actually feel uncomfortable in?  Groups of Men, People who go Bowling, People in a Gym, Students in a classroom, etc.

 

6 hours ago, MaryMary said:

I don't know if it's jealousy between trans people...

I believe there may be some of this.  "You're where I want to be" for instance, or "you started so much earlier and look where you are now".  
 

21 hours ago, Belle said:

I wanted to judge them and not be like them

Because they are different?  Transgender people come in all colors, physicality's, beliefs, mores.  You are not like them except that you are trans.  Thats OK.  Find YOU.  

 

We are all on this extremely personal life journey.  We may have spouses, SO's, children, parents, siblings and they all enter into our definition of our life lived.  

 

This bears repeating.

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

...love is love...

I'm not religious any longer but the one tenet I cling to is to Love.  Everyone, everywhere, all the time, the best I can.  Look at all the hate and division in the world.  Its gotten us no where.  Love is the answer.  (Oops, I sound like an old hippie!)

 

Jani

 

 

 

[Belle]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Those people were comfortable in their skin while you are not quite there yet.

Yes I think this is the issue.

 

2 hours ago, Jani said:

This is an important distinction.  We are part of many other subsets of society.  How many other groups would you feel actually feel uncomfortable in?  Groups of Men, People who go Bowling, People in a Gym, Students in a classroom, etc.

Being so new to this and really living a somewhat sheltered life this culture shock is also a big part of it.

 

2 hours ago, Jani said:

23 hours ago, Belle said:

I felt for a little while afterwards that maybe I'm not trans. I wanted to judge them and not be like them.

 

Because they are different?  Transgender people come in all colors, physicality's, beliefs, mores.  You are not like them except that you are trans.  Thats OK.  Find YOU. 

What I meant here was that I felt like I didn't belong, and it made me question if I was trans. There's a lifetime of transphobia I'm fighting, and I encountered a new part of it I had to face.

[Jani]

Its always difficult when we face our fears.  But keeping an open mind and heart helps!  You'll be fine.  I know it!

Hugs, Jani

[Dana Michelle]

I can relate. I sometimes feel like "damaged goods" for being transgender. I feel better about it now than I did in the past, but I'm not over it completely. I really only feel this way about myself and not other transgender people. Sometimes seeing other transgender women on YouTube who look feminine can make me feel better. Even though I kind of feel better about it today than I used to, I also feel this way with respect to the age I transitioned. I started hormones at 36 and won't present as female until I have FFS (at age 38). I feel like I would be kind of "less female" than I would be if I had been male a smaller percentage of my life. If I had transitioned 10 years earlier, I would also feel like being male is further buried in the past. Even though I don't like being the way I am, this is the way the cards were dealt, so I'll have to make the best of things as they are.

[soyangela]

I was the exact same way when I went to my first trans support group. There were a couple of trans men that in my head I was criticizing. My therapist said my trans phobia had been a learned behavior from family, cultural, and society. One thing my therapist said that helped is that she has heard this from other trans individuals she's worked with and that I'm not alone in thinking this way. How I dealt with it is head on. I forced myself to continue going to the support group. In the beginning I would miss meetings but now I go every week. For me it wasn't that I didn't like them it was I didn't like myself. I like you thought I'm not trans or trans enough. My trans phobia has gone away the more and more I truly accept myself. For me accepting myself has been one of the toughest things I've had to do.

 

Hugs,

Angela