Coming out to my mum

[I_dont_know_my_name]

I don't really know how to tbh 

The idea of it terrifys me. I sort of gave her an idea of how I was feeling but she really doesn't understand what Im going though and told me that she didn't want to know. 

I need to do something about my disphoria because its putting me in a really bad place but I can't untill I speak to my mum so any advice would really help

[ShawnaLeigh]

First let me say welcome.  Second you are not alone in this at all.  We all have struggled with coming out in one way or the other.  It is the very hardest thing I had to ever do.

I can only tell you what had worked for me and to date "EVERYONE" I have come out to has accepted and supported me with the exception of my mother.  (Don't take that as a bad sign.)

 

I am terrible at trying to verbally tell anyone about this as I would just get too nervous and emotional, stammer, stutter, blubber and cry and nothing would be said.

I chose to write each person there own letter that way I could explain everything and say everything I had to say without being interrupted, or diverted to another topic, get stuck answering questions on the spot, or whatever.  The letter lets you tell them everything you need to tell them in one shot and then you open it up for questions or support for them afterwards as it is a huge shock to a lot of people. 

Please keep in mind that it is easy to focus on this as our issue.  Its our problem and its about us.  Realistically its about everyone who loves you and knows you in your life too.  Friends and family members will need time and support as well.  Be patient and understanding even if it does not turn out all roses and sunshine at first.  Some folks need time to process this.  Some will say, "I kinda knew", but yea they didn't know crap believe me.  Maybe they knew you were "different" but they truly have no idea what this is inside you or how you truly feel.  What you have gone through and what lies ahead.  We do here and like I said you are not alone.

At least once you tell them everything and let them decided how to react.

Some will have zero issues, which blew me away frankly, like my 4 big burly lumberjack bearded friends are all super accepting and supportive and now I'm like their little sister.  (Yea that's still weird for me as I am older then all of them)

 

There is a forum in here that has a lot of letters people had posted for recommendations and just to get opinions.  Go read some of those.  Mine is not but there are some great ones I read when looking for ideas.

Good Luck and welcome again!

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, I_dont_know_my_name said:

I don't really know how to tbh 

 

I don't think any of us really get to KNOW. All we can do is muddle through as best we can and hope we don't get too much of the fallout up our noses.

 

1 hour ago, I_dont_know_my_name said:

The idea of it terrifys me. I sort of gave her an idea of how I was feeling but she really doesn't understand what Im going though and told me that she didn't want to know. 

 

That's because it's terrifying. Family is always hard, especially if you're in a place where you're completely dependent on your parents. Here's the deal; cis people don't really understand what we go through. They're not wired for it. Some of them can scrape enough empathy to sympathize with us and accept us. Unfortunately, not all of them are that open.

 

So here's the thing: You need to let her know how you feel. You can't let her shut you down because, "she doesn't want to know." This is a health problem that kills an unfortunately large number of us. I'm not saying make it a fight. Be open, honest and keep your voice level. You need to explain what you feel to her and make sure she understands that if left untreated, this is a condition that can kill you. Then see if you can get her to take you to a gender therapist. Maybe you can have a group session farther in where your mom sits in and your therapist explains things in ways that you're not equipped to. After all, they're a specialist and trained on dealing with reluctant parents. The important part is that you get help. The second most important part is doing everything you can for a harmonious home life if your mother digs in her heels about "losing her little girl." This whole process goes so much better when everyone is talking to each other in an open and honest manner. It's a lot to put on someone your age, but if your mother won't do her part, you have to pick up the slack.

 

1 hour ago, I_dont_know_my_name said:

I need to do something about my disphoria because its putting me in a really bad place but I can't untill I speak to my mum so any advice would really help

 

In the meantime, dress boxy. Cut your hair. Do what you can to feel more masculine. Every little bit helps. I always played video games in my preferred gender. The most important thing though is to have "the talk" with your mother and set her straight. Then you can start to take some more confident steps out into the world.

 

Hugs!

[A. Dillon]

Yeah, I feel that. I was in the closet for a solid 3 years, and it was awful. What you need is to get to a place where you can see yourself as who you truly are, and whatever helps you is what is best. Jackie has a lot of good suggestions, and those are a great starting place. Even now though, after passing for months, I still have to struggle with knowing myself, seeing every part of me as male, even if they aren't traditional. If you are male, then all of you is male, and transition is just the process of manifesting who you are into your body. It is slow, it is hard, but it is worth it.