Questioning and lost..

[KathrynnCox]

Hi all,

 

On the advice of my therapist I have tried to search out a like minded community as I am just beginning to explore myself. 
 

Little background on me, I’m a 33yo father of 2 and happily married. The issue for my family is I’ve been interested in cross dressing and possibly transition since I was very little and it’s not something the wife will tolerate. She’s a trans ally, but she’s 7 years my senior, had lived a pretty full life before we met (I didn’t) and knows what she wants and a trans woman is not it. She wants it quashed and although I try, since I’m here you can tell that’s not going well. 
 

All in all I’m just looking for a safe place to learn and hopefully hopefully I can slowly get her to open up that I can at least crossdress. You can ask questions if you want and I’ll be super open. I’m just here to get an idea where on the map I am and where I want to go. 
 

-Katie

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Katie and welcome to Transpulse!

 

I'm sorry that your wife has taken that position. I don't think any of us really have "full" lives while we're still wearing the mask we were assigned at birth. My only real regret about transitioning is that it took me so long to embrace it. If I felt this way in my teens, I'd run the world by now. ?

 

Hopefully with a little time and maybe some couples therapy your spouse could come around and at least meet you halfway. Unfortunately, as many here can attest, sometimes marriages end when we start to come out of the closet. Being trans isn't free and sometimes loss of someone we love is part of the price we have to pay. Even so, sometimes it works out too. I hope you're one of the lucky ones.

 

In the meantime, feel free to browse and ask questions. We're a friendly bunch and are almost certain to have an answer. It might not match your question, but it will certainly be an answer.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

Glad you decided to join us. I'd say this sites pretty safe. Sorry your wife is choosing to make this hard for you, it's unfortunate. Hopefully in time maybe things will change for the better, if conciders herself trans ally at least. We are the same age, except my partner is older then me by 4 years. He has firmly declared he's straight, and since coming out to him, it has been a process around the issue but he seems ok with me and is willing to support, if at least tolerate my decision. Practically take all his clothes that don't fit him.?

[KathrynnCox]

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I’m honestly not sure where on the spectrum I sit but I was told by my therapist to no longer be ashamed of it all. That’s why I’m here. 
 

In all honesty, I’m looking at impartial couples counseling in the near (<1yr) future to hopefully get a little leeway for dress and explore. 
 

in the mean time I’ve been growing my hair out to make me happy and also messing with my beard to get some excitement about me for myself. Otherwise I’m just blah on everything. 

[Jackie C.]

Excellent plan, never forget that this is for you. Don't do anything you don't want and never let yourself be coaxed into going father than you're comfortable with. This is about making you feel comfortable in your own skin. Nothing else.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

It doesn't matter much, what colors make a rainbow, they're all a part of the same wonderful miracle of nature. I'm glad you are examining and exploring your place in spectrum, but don't forget you will always be a part of the rainbow in your own way. Everybody is different internally and even externally, regardless of what they like to believe, they're all a part of the rainbow. So try not to force yourself too much. Nature finds its way, like love, with time, patience and open heart.

[BrandiBri]

Welcome to TransPulse Kathrynn! I am sorry that your wife is not supportive. It seems that although she is an ally, that when it hits home then it becomes a different matter. My wife not only did not support the LGBTQ community, but refused to allow my crossdressing. I was prepared to go to my grave with this secret, but she died in 2016. after that, rather than taking things slowly I took off like the hare, rather than slowly like the tortoise. We all have to move at our own speed and make sure that we are safe as we move ahead in our own personal journey. I wish you the best of luck, not only with finding yourself, dealing with your wife's transition (yes, she is going through her own transition, even if she doesn't know it), but also these uncertain times.

 

Hugs from my fortress in Lincoln,

Brandi

[Mmindy]

4 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

On the advice of my therapist I have tried to search out a like minded community as I am just beginning to explore myself. 

Welcome Kathrynn,

I'm new here as well and in therapy for a whole host of things, mostly to figure out my Transgender issues that have been in my life since a very young age. Everyone that I've encountered here have been very helpful and supportive.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy???

[KathyLauren]

Welcome Katie.

 

I am glad that your wife considers herself a trans ally.  It is unfortunate that she is unable to deliver on that right now.

 

As I am sure you realize, being trans is not something that can be quashed.  We suppress it for as long as we can, and then it comes to the surface because it can no longer stay buried.  I hope that you and your wife are able to work things out so that you are able to express yourself however you need to.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Emily michelle]

Hi and welcome Katie. 
I’m about the same age as you I recently came out to my wife and started hrt. My wife told me twice before that if I was transgender she would leave me. After a while I finally had a break down and she found out after that she has been supportive and said it explains a lot about me now. Your wife said she is a trans ally then maybe after it sinks in she may come around. Hiding it will just make it worse trust me I wish I had the strength to admit years ago.

[KathrynnCox]

5 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

Hi and welcome Katie. 
I’m about the same age as you I recently came out to my wife and started hrt. My wife told me twice before that if I was transgender she would leave me. After a while I finally had a break down and she found out after that she has been supportive and said it explains a lot about me now. Your wife said she is a trans ally then maybe after it sinks in she may come around. Hiding it will just make it worse trust me I wish I had the strength to admit years ago.

Thank you! That’s a story that I hope will follow for me but I highly doubt it. One of the first acts I did when we decided to move in together was to toss all my stuff in front of her. Now I get the threat of leaving me and destroying my life if I come out about this. 
 

She terrified I’ll completely transition, at this point I just want the OK to dress up if they are out of the house on errands or something. Like when no one is home. But can’t even propose that....

[Emily michelle]

I’m sorry she did that. When I got married I was not dressing then I was very much in denial. It started slow with the dressing I kept telling her and myself I could stop at anytime, which I couldn’t have been more wrong. Then it moved to I was only happy when dressed. That led to my break down. Which for several days afterwards I was a crying emotional wreck. If I had kept it in much longer I don’t know if I would be here today. I know it’s extremely hard but if you’re not happy yourself you can never make anyone else happy. I would hope your wife would see your the same person that you were before your a woman and gender has nothing to do with your personality. I definitely recommend therapy. I couldn’t get my wife to go to therapy which is completely up to her. If you ever need some one to talk to I’m here. 
Hugs

Emily

[Susan R]

Hi Katie, Nice to meet you. I can’t offer much advice but want to add that don’t lose hope. I believe your wife is a good person and wants what’s best for you. They likely  don’t yet fully understand the importance of your need to be you or even what that might look like. There’s plenty of time for you two to communicate and grow together and perhaps come to some understanding one day in the future...it happens.  I’m glad you decided to reach out here. We can fill in some voids and give you some seasoned advice if you should ever want some. Many here have been through similar experiences and would like to help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Hi Kathryn, and welcome!

You've found a great place to start.  This Forum and the Members have been the source of great encouragement and information.

 

I am going through similar issues with my wife, but everybody's situation is different.  Mine is a bit of a roller coaster.

My intent is to get therapy for myself first, and then be open and patient with my wife.  If my marriage is worth saving, then its worth that investment in time and patience.

 

Hoping for the best outcome for you and your family❣️

 

[michelle_kitten]

Hi Kathryn,

 

Congrats on being honest with yourself.  That is a huge first step.

 

So, it sounds like you have gender dysphoria, having wanted to be more feminine since early childhood.  That is totally a thing so many of us share with you.  If that is the case, few people if any, beat gender dysphoria.  I think some just learn to live with it in discomfort.

 

Here is how i see your situation based on the information you shared:  You are uncomfortable presenting as male.  This is pretty much a life-long condition.  To continue to present as male will be uncomfortable or painful for you.  Your wife doesn't want you to transition and just wants the whole notion to go away.

 

I don't know how much research or learning you've done about gender dysphoria, but for most of us it isn't something we can just 'quash.'  A lot of us have spent decades trying to make it go away, and failed.  In my own case, i tried many times to pray it away, and many other things, including trying to heal childhood trauma, looking at the Jungian notion of Anima Possession, and other explanations for the way i felt.  In the end, i am just gender dysphoric.  There is no explanation i am totally satisfied with, but it is something i can't deny.  Maybe evaluating the extent to which you have dysphoria or not, is a great first step (again i don't know where you are in the process, so forgive me if i am way behind you).

 

In dealing with your wife as a partner, in my mind, it is her responsibility to help you deal with your dysphoria.  Others may disagree.  Like what does she suggest you do to relieve your dysphoria and feel comfortable in your own skin?  If your dysphoria is genuine, 'quashing' it is not an option, because you'll never be able to do that.  That is a lifetime of suffering, and a choice you'll have to make as to whether that is a sacrifice you can bear for the sake of your wife.  If it isn't then she needs to be your partner in finding ways to manage that.  It is your responsibility to determine how much you can compromise with her on this challenge, and be okay.

 

She may totally feel it is unfair that she married a man, and this disorder has come along to take that away from her.  At the same time, it is not fair for her to say, "just turn it off."  You two have to work together, because this is the way things are.  (again, i am kinda going off what you have said, so i am totally hoping i am not way off).

 

I am totally thinking, if she understands your discomfort, her compassion will drive her views.

 

I guess what i am totally trying to say here is to take it a step at a time.  Deal with what you know now, learn what you can, and don't get sucked into hypothetical situations.  Right now, you know what you want going forward.  I would totally take that to her and ask her to help you constructively, to learn with you and just see where it takes you two.

 

<<hugs>>

[KathrynnCox]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Kathryn, and welcome!

You've found a great place to start.  This Forum and the Members have been the source of great encouragement and information.

 

I am going through similar issues with my wife, but everybody's situation is different.  Mine is a bit of a roller coaster.

My intent is to get therapy for myself first, and then be open and patient with my wife.  If my marriage is worth saving, then its worth that investment in time and patience.

 

Hoping for the best outcome for you and your family❣️

 

That’s kind of my plan right now. Im

working on therapy for major depression and this as well. Wife thinks I’m going to get help to quash it but once we have a better handle on what is going on, I’ll bring her in for couples therapy. She and my kids are my world. I know the kids would have issues with two moms, but I pray that my wife relax a little after a few group sessions. 

[KathrynnCox]

4 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Hi Kathryn,

 

Congrats on being honest with yourself.  That is a huge first step.

 

So, it sounds like you have gender dysphoria, having wanted to be more feminine since early childhood.  That is totally a thing so many of us share with you.  If that is the case, few people if any, beat gender dysphoria.  I think some just learn to live with it in discomfort.

 

Here is how i see your situation based on the information you shared:  You are uncomfortable presenting as male.  This is pretty much a life-long condition.  To continue to present as male will be uncomfortable or painful for you.  Your wife doesn't want you to transition and just wants the whole notion to go away.

 

I don't know how much research or learning you've done about gender dysphoria, but for most of us it isn't something we can just 'quash.'  A lot of us have spent decades trying to make it go away, and failed.  In my own case, i tried many times to pray it away, and many other things, including trying to heal childhood trauma, looking at the Jungian notion of Anima Possession, and other explanations for the way i felt.  In the end, i am just gender dysphoric.  There is no explanation i am totally satisfied with, but it is something i can't deny.  Maybe evaluating the extent to which you have dysphoria or not, is a great first step (again i don't know where you are in the process, so forgive me if i am way behind you).

 

In dealing with your wife as a partner, in my mind, it is her responsibility to help you deal with your dysphoria.  Others may disagree.  Like what does she suggest you do to relieve your dysphoria and feel comfortable in your own skin?  If your dysphoria is genuine, 'quashing' it is not an option, because you'll never be able to do that.  That is a lifetime of suffering, and a choice you'll have to make as to whether that is a sacrifice you can bear for the sake of your wife.  If it isn't then she needs to be your partner in finding ways to manage that.  It is your responsibility to determine how much you can compromise with her on this challenge, and be okay.

 

She may totally feel it is unfair that she married a man, and this disorder has come along to take that away from her.  At the same time, it is not fair for her to say, "just turn it off."  You two have to work together, because this is the way things are.  (again, i am kinda going off what you have said, so i am totally hoping i am not way off).

 

I am totally thinking, if she understands your discomfort, her compassion will drive her views.

 

I guess what i am totally trying to say here is to take it a step at a time.  Deal with what you know now, learn what you can, and don't get sucked into hypothetical situations.  Right now, you know what you want going forward.  I would totally take that to her and ask her to help you constructively, to learn with you and just see where it takes you two.

 

<<hugs>>

Most of this is pretty spot on. I’m VERY very early in my exploration. I had some clothes for dressing when I lived in my own but only went out publicly (on Halloween to a LGBT bar, to be super discreet) once. As soon as the wife and I moved in together I tossed all my stuff. So I honestly have no clue how far this all goes. 
 

I’m not “uncomfortable” per say presenting male, but I don’t really care about my appearance and I don’t coincided myself male or female, I’m me and more comfortable when I was dressed. 
 

Side Note: Is it weird that when I think of throwing all my stuff out, it’s my breast forms that I miss the most?

[Jackie C.]

Not really, I didn't throw mine out so much as send them to a friend who would give them a good home.

 

Hugs!

[michelle_kitten]

31 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

Most of this is pretty spot on. I’m VERY very early in my exploration. I had some clothes for dressing when I lived in my own but only went out publicly (on Halloween to a LGBT bar, to be super discreet) once. As soon as the wife and I moved in together I tossed all my stuff. So I honestly have no clue how far this all goes. 
 

I’m not “uncomfortable” per say presenting male, but I don’t really care about my appearance and I don’t coincided myself male or female, I’m me and more comfortable when I was dressed. 
 

Side Note: Is it weird that when I think of throwing all my stuff out, it’s my breast forms that I miss the most?

 

First, it is totally not weird.  If the breast forms were something that helped you it is okay to miss them.  Many of us older girls have experienced cycles of getting stuff, dressing to suit our femininity and then purging, only to miss the things we threw out.  It is a way we tried to navigate our dysphoria if we did not understand what dysphoria or transition were, or felt such social pressure to conform to male expectations that we chose not to go further.  You're totally not alone.

 

I have said this elsewhere in these forums.  Being transgender, like the rest of life, is totally a journey and not a destination.  So, maybe you're gender non-conforming or non-binary, or gender queer right now.  That might change as you grow and change as a person, and that is totally okay.  There is no rule that says you have to pick just one thing and stick with it forever while figuring things out.  I called myself "gender questioning" for awhile.

 

Some questions i asked myself in my process are:

1) If i could wake up in the morning with a female body, would I?

2) Is there anything about being male i would have to give up and would regret?

3) Is there anything about transitioning i would regret about social interactions or activities?

4) Would I be content with partial transition or being non-conforming?

 

It is also not uncommon from what i have read and heard for many trans women to not care about their appearance until they start to transition.  A lot of us were poorly kept nerdy boys before taking on our dysphoria head on.  I tried to be a very well-dressed male for awhile, but just couldn't keep myself interested in it.  Also, dysphoria is not totally about being uncomfortable about how you present.  Some or all of it for some people is about presenting in a way they'd rather be.  For me my rejection of my male body is a smaller part of it.  Most of it is releasing parts of me which are feminine inside, and desperately want to come out.  I think I may be kinda odd in this way.  I am working on the inner girl first and while appearance and presentation are important to me, i want that under developed part of me to determine what the outer me looks like as i progress.  I am totally wig shopping though, cuz as a guy i was bald.

 

The great news is there are tons of resources out there and good research a lot of us didn't have when we were younger.  I think taking the time to self-educate, and work with a therapist is totally going to help you.

[KathrynnCox]

Michelle,

 

Your views are incredibly eye opening. It’s the first time I’ve heard someone say something close to my feelings. I always hear in the media those who have had serious issues and were at the end of their ropes. I’m not that bad, I’m just not happy as I am. 
 

It’s funny that you mention “nerdy boys”, because that’s me to a T. I’ve hidden everything so deep that I’m known for my Flat Cap and full beard. I love cars, airplanes, and my motorcycle. But women can love those things too. 

 

Thank you. 
 

-Katie

[michelle_kitten]

26 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

Michelle,

 

Your views are incredibly eye opening. It’s the first time I’ve heard someone say something close to my feelings. I always hear in the media those who have had serious issues and were at the end of their ropes. I’m not that bad, I’m just not happy as I am. 
 

It’s funny that you mention “nerdy boys”, because that’s me to a T. I’ve hidden everything so deep that I’m known for my Flat Cap and full beard. I love cars, airplanes, and my motorcycle. But women can love those things too. 

 

Thank you. 
 

-Katie

 

You should check out JackieRabbit's youtube channel.  She is a member here, and is totally into bikes and cars.  You might have a lot in common.  She also makes so great, very informative videos.

 

Flat caps were totally my thing as a guy during my attempts to up my appearance game.  I preferred ascots over newsboys.  Totally loved my flat caps, but not so much they'd prevent me from transitioning.  There are cute flat caps for girls too.   I love helicopters.

[SaraAW]

Hi Katie, welcome.  I am sorry that your wife is having a hard time with this. I totally relate. My wife is an ally, but she has also told me that she wants no sort of a relationship with a woman.  We are still together after almost a year of me coming out to her.  I've been on hormones for a little over 4 months and wearing feminine undergarments and sleepwear for as long.  She is still not fully accepting, but I have come further than I thought based on her initial reaction.  Therapy is a great idea, I've been trying to convince my wife to come with me to one of my sessions or try one by herself, but some past issues with the mental health industry has made her very hesitant.  In the meantime, I try to make sure that the channels of communication between us are always open and encourage her to ask me questions. 

 

Have a great day! Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

3 hours ago, SaraAW said:

Hi Katie, welcome.  I am sorry that your wife is having a hard time with this. I totally relate. My wife is an ally, but she has also told me that she wants no sort of a relationship with a woman.  We are still together after almost a year of me coming out to her.  I've been on hormones for a little over 4 months and wearing feminine undergarments and sleepwear for as long.  She is still not fully accepting, but I have come further than I thought based on her initial reaction.  Therapy is a great idea, I've been trying to convince my wife to come with me to one of my sessions or try one by herself, but some past issues with the mental health industry has made her very hesitant.  In the meantime, I try to make sure that the channels of communication between us are always open and encourage her to ask me questions. 

 

Have a great day! Hugs!

That’s very very encouraging to hear! Hopefully your wife will be able to get in on the therapy and you can meet your goal with her support. 
 

My wife knows she needs mental health help so getting her to therapy hopefully won’t be too hard. I was hospitalized with anger issues last year for 7 days (completely handwaved the trans issues away) and honestly the hardest part was knowing she needed the help and I was getting it instead. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Some questions i asked myself in my process are:

1) If i could wake up in the morning with a female body, would I?

2) Is there anything about being male i would have to give up and would regret?

3) Is there anything about transitioning i would regret about social interactions or activities?

4) Would I be content with partial transition or being non-conforming?

Those are great questions and information, Michelle.  For me its 1) Hell Yes!!! 2) no, 3) could be (wouldn't know until it happened), 4) possibly (but only for my wife/family).  Not sure where that leaves me? .. needing therapy for sure.

17 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

t’s funny that you mention “nerdy boys”, because that’s me to a T

OMG, Kathryn!  I had not thought about that but I was rather nerdy in HS and into college.  Definitely not "manly" and probably a reason I sported facial hair for most of my adult life. 

[KathrynnCox]

Michelle, since Kay answered them too

Quote

Some questions I asked myself in my process are:

1) If i could wake up in the morning with a female body, would I? (Yes!!)

2) Is there anything about being male i would have to give up and would regret? (Honestly sex with the wife, even though honestly it’s more about her having fun)

3) Is there anything about transitioning i would regret about social interactions or activities? (I’m a bit selfconscious, so I wouldn’t regret per se but I’d be nervous)

4) Would I be content with partial transition or being non-conforming? (I still have fears of the outcome of SRS so honestly I’d probably avoid bottom surgery)

These ARE great questions.