Should I come out?

[nidoqueen]

So, I have divorced parents. I’ve told my mom I’m trans because I know she supports it, but I don’t live with her. I live with my dad, who I am pretty scared of. I really think I should tell him, but I think I might become homeless or dead. What do you think?

[Jackie C.]

OK, so you're sixteen. While I had a friend in high school who was homeless as a junior, I can't recommend it. She was working four part-time jobs and going to public school to support herself and live in a crappy apartment and pay the apartment manager under the table (you can't legally rent here until you're eighteen). The last time I saw her, she was stripping. While there's no guarantee that will be your life, there's no insurance that it won't be either.

 

So my advice is to have a plan B in place before you tell anybody. You need a place to stay where people will accept you and take care of you if your parent does not. I also advise, especially if you think violence might be in the cards, that you come out very carefully. Your survival might depend on being able to get through a door before he can catch you. In that vein, you should also have a go-bag prepped and ready. Be very careful. The world isn't always kind to us. It's great when it is, but it frequently is not.

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

You do not live in a good state for Trans people otherwise I would suggest discussing this with a school counselor, although you may live in an area which is not as bad as others.  I work with Trans young people who have been on the street and it is hard and risky.  Get some other receptive adults lined up to help you in coming out to your parents.

[Charlize]

I would suggest that you try to finish high school and go to college if you can.  You know you situation better than any of us but having an education will make life easier if you do come out and transition.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[michelle_kitten]

Should you come out?  Absolutely, but only when you are safe.  Honesty is so so so important.  When you aren't honest with yourself and others, you consume energy and time trying to hide.  That takes away from you.  Keeping it inside will eat away at you over time.  YOUR SAFETY COMES FIRST!

 

You totally need to figure out what keeps you safe.  If your father is abusive, and believe me violence is abuse, it is illegal.  I don't know your situation, but there is support in many communities.  You may have to hunt around a bit and make some calls to find your safety net, or you may have to just sit tight for awhile.  You may have to contact your mom to help with finding those resources.  Be safe first.  Come out when it is safe.

 

You are a valid human being and you don't deserve to be homeless or dead for who you are.

[KayC]

Hi Nidoqueen!  Welcome and nice to meet you.
This is a great forum to use as a sounding board and also to read other Members experiences that may relate to yours.  We do have younger Members like you who are going through similar situations.

I cannot, and should not give you advice on if/when/how you should come out to your farther.  The fears you expressed cannot be ignored.
I would like to suggest you seek counseling within your school, and hopefully you can find somebody you can trust and that your conversations will be confidential.
I also want to refocus your concerns not specifically to your trans identity and the need to come out, but to your relationship with your father.  This is something you can discuss directly with a counselor/therapist even if you don't want to bring up your gender identity. 

Teenage years are stressful both for the teen and any parent.  Believe me, I know this. 

But when you also include family separation/divorce into the mix then it becomes a complex stew of emotions, anxiety, and unhappiness (for everybody in the family) .. oh, don't forget .. transgender issues.
Our anxieties and unhappiness are often reflected in our relationship.  Your father's unhappiness may be reflected in how he treats you.  You gender identity may affect how you see your relationship with him (and maybe assume he will be unaccepting ... even before giving him a chance).
This is complex .. a counselor or therapist can probably help.

You have a beautiful life ahead of you .. Please read my quote below my signature

I wish you all the best❣️