Anxiety and Fear Keeps Building - 68 and considering transition

[Heather Shay]

I recently joined this forum and posted my issues and 4 of you kindly responded and it made me feel very good - first time I've had anyone say I'm ok to feel like this. I've had the want to become a woman and as the years pass when I think it might finally just go away and I will accept the body I've been given - it comes back. I do CD in private and I also use photoshop to reverse me as a woman and being made love to by a man. I am married and that is going fine and have two step kids and 2 step grandkids and am afraid to come out to them. I did self medicate with estrogen and blockers a few years back, caused a slightly higher PSA but my wife caught me taking the meds and asked me to sdee a pyschologist. I knew him from seeing him when I had some panic attacks but when I saw him about this issue he really never got to the gender issue but stayed on anxiety and depression. I have a low grade condition (my wife said the Psych said it was a cronic low grade that is constant) and so I am on low level zoloft and like me better on it as I get more angry when not on it. With the pamdemic I'm letting my hair grow and slowly trimmimg my light beard down to practically nothing (I always kept a beard - as small as it is - to help keep me from CD but it keeps coming back). In school and dating I never felt right asking out girls and always wished they would ask me out. Anyway - thank you for listening. I bought Dara's workbook on Genger Identity and am going to see if there are any LGBTQ organizations anywhere near me and check them it. It would be nice to find someone to carry on a longer relationship about my fears.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Shay! I'm glad you're having a good experience with us.

 

I'm going to put in the PSA here and say, "Please don't self-medicate. You can hurt yourself very badly doing that. Always take HRT medication under the supervision of a doctor that knows what they're doing." The last bit is a disclaimer because not all doctors are trained up on the administration of HRT. 

 

Unfortunately, being trans doesn't go away. The dysphoria monster might quiet down a little, but it always comes roaring back. You need to talk to a gender therapist instead of your regular therapist though. They're trained in this issue specifically and I think you'll find one more helpful when dealing with trans issues. I've seen two. They've both been great. 

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

Your psychologist sounds like he is good with handling anxiety and depression, but not so good with gender issues.  When your only tool is zoloft, everything starts to look like anxiety and depression.  See if you can find a therapist who is qualified to work with gender issues.  A good indicator is if they have WPATH training.

 

It is quite common for dysphoria to really start to bite at your age.  (I was 60 when it started biting me.)  It doesn't go away.  Deciding what you want to do about it is something that a gender therapist can help you with.  They can also steer you towards properly managed HRT if that is what you decide to do.

 

If you can find an LGBTQ organization near you, they may have a list of qualified gender therapists.  They might also be able to point you towards a support group, which is something else that I would recommend.

[Guest]

Hello Shay: You mentioned you're 68. I'm 72! (Yikes!) And I'm brand new here. You mentioned your experience with the psychologist. (By the way I have a psychiatrist. And I'm on Clonazapam & also Trazadone for sleep.) But what I mostly wanted to do here was to relate one of my psychologist-related experiences. KathyLauren mentioned that it's in one's 60's when gender dysphoria really starts to bite. And I can attest to that in spades, as the saying goes.

 

It was around age 60 when I finally decided I just finally HAD to talk to someone about my GID issues. I had been seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner regarding my depression & anxiety issues. And after much wrangling I finally convinced her to let me see one of the clinic's psychologists. (I have no idea why she resisted as forcefully as she did.) Anyway... I finally got my appointment during which I planned to divulge, for the first time in my life,  that I had always felt I wanted to be / should have been female. But I knew I would be too embarrassed to just sit down with this psychologist & blurt something like that out. So instead I decided to write him a letter that he could read prior to my appointment.

 

On the day of my appointment the psychologist (a PhD nonetheless) came out to the waiting room & took me back to his office where we sat down. He asked me why I was there. I mentioned the letter. He then proceeded to shuffle through the files in his desk file drawer & pulled out my unopened letter which he then read as I sat there red-faced & squirming. Once he had finished reading my letter he looked up & said: "Oh, I just heard about this." (Great!)

 

I don't recall how the rest of the appointment went. But at the end, as he walked me back out to the waiting room he said: "So... would you rather be a man or a woman?" Shocked... I think I muttered something such as: "I wouldn't really care. I just wish I didn't feel like both." (Later on it occurred to me I should have added "and neither at the same time." I saw this psychologist a couple more times after that I guess. But it soon became apparent it wasn't going anywhere.  So I told him I thought there were others who probably needed him more than I did. A few weeks later I made my first major suicide attempt. Anyway that's my own psychologist story. I hope you are well. ?

[Heather Shay]

i am... i hope you are better  i have made great strides since that post. I am on Hrt, CPAP, waiting on new therapist, working on voice feminization exercises, came out to several close friends and wives and talked to my top choice for surgery a year from now  i have gone through anorexia depression panic attacks and several therapists in my time and been suicidal and since i found new people who are like me here i am the happiest i have been in ...i don't know how long. i know the woman inside is finally getting the chance to see the light of day...and it feels good.

i hope you are well and can do whatever is best for you.   because YOU deserve it.

Edited August 2, 2020 by Jani
spell corrections

[Kylie]

Shay;

 

Love reading the update. Seems as though your journey is beginning. Continue on❤️

[Heather Shay]

I am thinking of you continually as you meet your new body and I can't wait to see the joy on your face AND your kitty's when you get home.

Mucho Hugs,

Shay

[Kylie]

Thank you shay! Will be updating on here throughout the process. Pre-op appointment Tuesday and bowel prep following. 7am Wednesday, hope it gets here soon!

[Heather Shay]

it will and you will be home before you know it  congrats and i cant smile enough for you and your cat.

[Heather Shay]

Hi Kylie, 

I know this probably not the time to,ask but I am finding it almost impossible to find a surgeon to do my surgery who accepts medicare. do you know if you doctor does?

thank you so much and i will being keeping you in my hope and healing thoughts here out.. 

Shay

[Kylie]

@Shay  Not exactly sure. I have insurance through work. It would be a good question for either @VickySGV . She has great experience with resources. 
 

Kylie

[Heather Shay]

thank you so much and again good luck, wish I was there right along side you - a 2 for 1 LOL