Question about coming out

[Suddenlyjessica1981]

Hello there, this is my first post (hopefully in the right thread) and I just wanted to ask a question. To put things in context I am a 38 year old married ‘man’ with two lovely young children. I have had gender issues for as long as I can remember but find myself in a position where I feel unable to remove myself from the position I find myself in. The fear of letting my wife and children down seems to far outweigh the need to be the person I feel I am. It is stifling to be honest and I find the thought of not being honest with myself and those I love about who I believe myself to be just as terrifying. For anybody reading this who was in a similar position can I ask if it was a gradual thing or whether you just knew one day that the time was right to be honest and ‘come out’ with those you love? I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I am not sure I can see it yet.

Thank you in advance

Jessie

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jessie.  Welcome toTrans Pulse.

 

I think most of have been or still are in a similar position.  You are between a rock and a hard place.  You feel like you either have to continue not being yourself, or else you risk wrecking your family.

 

I never had kids, so I didn’t have that concern.  But I most definitely didn’t want to lose my wife.  It was a pressure that built up slowly.  For most of my life, I figured I could ignore it.  Until eventually I realized that the pressure was getting to dangerous levels.  
 

At that point, I knew I had to act.  Continuing to fake my way through life was no longer an option, so I knew I had to come out.  It took me six months to get up the nerve to do it.

 

However and whenever you decide to take action, I wish you good luck.

 

Regards,

Kathy

 

[SaraAW]

Jessica, I too like Kathy, can't speak as it relates to children, but I have a wife and do not want to lose her. Also like Kathy, as more and more time went by, the need to be myself kept building, it would ebb and flow like waves, but each time it came back, it came back much stronger. I really started down the depression spiral and had to take control of my life. With the last wave, I struggled for almost a year before I finally told my wife. It has not been great, but we are still together and working through things. We have a long way to go, but there is hope, as we are making progress, slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I recently came out to a couple more folks in my life and it got a little easier and now I am ready to come out to the rest of the folks that I deem important enough in my life to come out personally, everyone else can find out organically.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Hugs!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Suddenlyjessica1981 said:

The fear of letting my wife and children down seems to far outweigh the need to be the person I feel I am.

Welcome to my/our World, Jessica!  (actually I just sent you a real Welcome note on your Hello post).
I'm not trying to be funny, its just that is exactly what I have been feeling the last several years, much like @KathyLauren mentioned.

 

Today (actually) I made the first concrete step to start therapy.  Its one of the most common threads of recommendations you will probably find here.  Therapy. 
For me, that first step today was both exhilarating and liberating.  I hope you can find a way to also start to move forward.

Deep breaths .. one step at a time❣️

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Suddenlyjessica1981 said:

For anybody reading this who was in a similar position can I ask if it was a gradual thing or whether you just knew one day that the time was right to be honest and ‘come out’ with those you love? I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I am not sure I can see it yet.

Jessica,

I've been out to my Suzie (wife), two grown children, and their spouses for 13 days now. It's a real understatement to say my coming out didn't go well. She instantly went into a rage and outed me to our kids and their spouses. After the dust settled and looking back at the last two weeks, I'm way ahead in my transition goals. by being out to my wife, kids, and their spouses. The Grandchildren and other family members will be brought up to speed as my transition can no longer be hidden. Your question on when did I know I was Transgender MtF? I knew in my preteens that I was different, and in the 1960s it wasn't easy to find out that you're not alone in your feelings of beginning the wrong puberty.  @KathyLauren @SaraAW & @KayC mentioned it is scary, to not know how a loved one will react to your honesty about needing to be the real you. Seeking therapy will help you figure out the answers to your questions, and in most cases you know the answers. You just need someone to tell you it's okay to feel the way you do. Coming out to your wife is extremely frightful because you feel like you're the same person, and she'll think you want to change everything. In reality you just want to let her know there is the other dimension to your personality that you want her to know about. You're hopes are that the two of you can work together as you share this hidden emotional self through transition. As for your children, and the best time to let them know you're needing to transition? That's a question you need to get from a trained Therapist in Child Psychology 

 

Hugs and best wishes,

 

Mindy???

[KayC]

31 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

Coming out to your wife is extremely frightful because you feel like you're the same person, and she'll think you want to change everything.

That's exactly right!  at least it was for me.

[Mmindy]

>HUGS< @KayC

[Sally Stone]

Jessie,

 

I'd like to offer two recommendations.  First, you need to find a way to explain how you are feeling to your wife.  As the old saying goes, "bad news doesn't get better with age."  Even though what you have to tell may be hard for her to process, it's worse to keep this intimate part of yourself a secret.  

 

Second, take the time to really explore your gender issues, so you can understand what you need to do to keep yourself sane and happy.  Gender issues come in many different forms and it is important to know who you really are in terms of your gender identity needs.  Understanding who you are can often take a lot of time, so be patient.

 

All of us here know how difficult it is to travel the gender highway when there are others in your life forced to come along with you.  I wish you all the best, and know you can always reach out to any of us for support. 

[Patti Anne]

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

For anybody reading this who was in a similar position can I ask if it was a gradual thing or whether you just knew one day that the time was right to be honest and ‘come out’ with those you love?

 

I'm coming out piecemeal, sort of. I've been on hrt for 6 months. Coming out, for me, is a tricky issue because of my job. Way too many people know me. For example, I had my FNP call in my hormones to a local pharmacy. I had heretofore been self administering (which I'd advise against for many reasons). So anyway, I called the pharmacy in question to check on whether my Rx was ready for pickup. I thought the pharmacy tech's voice sounded remotely familiar. So she asks for my demographic information. As I was giving her my name, DOB, etc she suddenly said 'Pat! Is that you?" Turns out she was a former GF from years ago. Thankfully, My Rx was not yet called in. Needless to say, I called the clinic to have them xfer the Rx to another pharmacy.

 

As far as coming out to loved ones, I told my 20 yo daughter and her response was to get up walk over and hug me and thank me for trusting her enough to tell her this, and tell me she loved me. And my metric for whether to come out to her was that it just "felt right". Coming out to the remaining kids, 15yo female, 29 yo Female and 27 yo boy, may be a mixed bag. We speak and face-time frequently, but due to COVID, I haven't seen them in person and I think that this has to be something thats done in person.

 

As far as coming out to immediate family (siblings), we have a bit of a distant relationship. Talking about the weather is considered a deep emotional discussion. I figured that if they called and asked me point blank, I'll be straightforward, but aside from that, I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation. 

 

Ex-wives? I'm still pondering that question.

 

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She instantly went into a rage and outed me to our kids and their spouses.

 

And @Suddenlyjessica1981, That kind of reaction is the stuff that nightmares are made of. I think that sort of reaction is what keeps many of us in the closet. I'm sorry you had to endure that and I can't imagine a scene like that. My personal nightmare. It's the one thing that makes me glad that I don't have a wife to deal with on this.

 

I think that my main advice to anyone going through transition would be to get a good gender counselor, hopefully on a referral. It's made all the difference in my situation. He's a sounding board with an abundance of wisdom, being trans himself. My partner/best friend/would-be fiance (choose 1) @ShawnaLeigh, was sweet enough to split her time with him with me, since he's booked out. He's absolutely awesome.

 

Good luck to anyone going through transition. It's rough, so having a good counselor or place like Trans Pulse to reach out to for advice and help is paramount.

 

 

[Emily michelle]

I never did feel like I fit in I just never knew why I had been cross dressing since I was young. I would stop and start. Eventually a few years ago   I was doing it everyday my wife asked more than once if I was transgender I always denied it because I wasn’t willing to admit it. Until it got to the point I was ready to end it all. Finally I broke down and came out to her. Which luckily she has been very supportive. I have been on hormones almost 2 months and getting ready to come out to more people.

[Suddenlyjessica1981]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is amazing how an element of the weight does lift a bit when you realise that there are people like you all who are prepared to share thoughts, advice and even just be an ear.

 

I do feel that I have taken first steps in terms of being honest at least with some people. Whilst I don’t feel anywhere near ready to be telling my wife I did in fact end up telling my two best friends in the course of the last week. I don’t know why it just felt right on both occasions. It clearly isn’t the most important step which would allow me to be fully open with the world but it is a start. Both of my friends have been amazing about it, somewhat surprised at first but so very supportive. I think so far the thing to take from much of the advice is that I need to try to discuss my thoughts with a professional, which I will try to do, albeit secretly ?.

 

(It’s a small thing but I used an app that feminised a selfie for my profile picture, I almost cried seeing myself like that )

 

Jessie

[Astrid]

Hi, Jessie!

 

33 minutes ago, Suddenlyjessica1981 said:

Both of my friends have been amazing about it, somewhat surprised at first but so very supportive.

 That's great to hear, and it's a good start.  If you feel ready to come out to your wife at some point, know that there are many of us here who also took that step, and are here to listen and support you.  

 

If there's anything I've learned from my own journey, it's that by taking things slow, but nevertheless persisting, and working to communicate with those closest to me, my fears almost always soon morphed into relief, and with it the realization that our imagining of the unknown often conjures up "what if" scenarios that never materialize.  And we move forward toward the next milestone on our journey, with a little less apprehension.

 

37 minutes ago, Suddenlyjessica1981 said:

(It’s a small thing but I used an app that feminised a selfie for my profile picture, I almost cried seeing myself like that )

Oh, I know!  I had a similar reaction...

 

Astrid

[RobynNYC]

I think seeking therapy is the best advice you can get and take.  I spent the first six weeks of therapy working through how I would tell my spouse and it was so worth it.  That was a year ago and we are still together.