Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Having second thoughts now !


Denisenj

Recommended Posts

Denisenj
Well I been on HRT for a little over 2 months. I been walking / riding a bike for exercise . Really not much to report and I won't get into too much detail. Even tho I lost weight my boobs didn't shrink even before going on HRT. Maybe my butt got a little fatter , hard to tell. no change in my areola . Softer skin ?? , I always had soft skin. some shrinkage, and maybe a little bit more emotional. Maybe my boobs got a tiny bit fuller. Now that I got divorced, and lost about 55 lbs my self-esteem went up alot. Girls are starting to noticing me more and give me complements and I like that. Yes I did get a girl ask me how my face is so smooth, I said I use Estee Lauder day wear cream. I had my 4th session of lasor last week on my upper lip. Did I go out and get a nice pedicure when the salons opened up in NJ and the girl picked the color. Yes I have been wearing it out with women's sandals in guy mode for the past week yes, no strange stares a few girl like it. I went to C&B today and bought one girl shorts and 2 tops to wear golfing, no skirts yet LOL.. They can pass for guy or girl clothes no booty shorts. and I got me 2 perfume pens size . I know that if I continue on HRT and transition my chances of finding a girl to love will be slim to none. Another trans woman I could learn to love, but I was always the submissive one and you know what that means. I had 2 blood work done and everything looks good and on the 16th I have a phone call with a DR. I was looking forward to getting my ears pierced and getting a full set of nails with Gel , now I am not sure. Being degraded for years by my EX and being told I was a worthless -awesome person- left me wanting to become a woman, now I feel a whole lot better that my self and finally enjoying life. Being trans is a lot of work, is my dysphoria about being male that severe??? Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard. If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared ! IF I stop taking HRT will some things reverse!
 
Link to post

It is ok to be scared and have doubts but, I wouldn't go shooting down your chances of finding happiness, too quickly. It is not easy to go through divorce and all the feelings that go with that. Add to that the complexity of trying to be seen by others in a way that makes you happy. It is so much to work through and so frustrating. I find, if I doubt myself ever and want to reassure my heart, I look back to how I felt long before the experiences of the ex. I also rely heavily on advice from many sources. Give yourself time to find the things that bring you joy. ?

Link to post
Tori M

Hi @Denisenj.  You're reminding me of my first few months of being out to the world.  Wow, yea, that was a LOT of work.  My partner could get ready for a gala dinner party in 40 minutes while it took me an hour just to get out the door to the store.  Irritated the heck out of her.  MANY hours learning makeup, removing hair, bad hair days, and exhausting shopping for very specific clothes that flattered me.  On top of that, more checks, touchups and adjustments throughout the day, plus operating as a woman in this world just takes more time than it does for men.  Unfortunately, decades of dressing occasionally in private did not prepare me for the reality of full-time womanhood plus the additional requirements of being a trans woman.  This is part of why I say that transition might be the hardest thing that anyone can ever do.  But, it does get easier and the hormones do reduce some of the excess work eventually.

 

Periods of doubt never go away.  Numerous times I wondered if I could really do all that stuff forever, but one day I thought to myself, "If I am really a woman then I should be able to persevere through anything."  That became my mantra to this day and it has carried me through all the difficulties.  Also, in my case my male dysphoria was bad enough to never want to go back.

 

Some things do reverse to some extent without hormones (done that), but once you have breasts they don't go away.  Don't give up on love though, it's not as unlikely as you think.  My late partner (that I met online) of 16 years was kind of Bi/Lesbian/Asexual and we were a match made in heaven.  Hang in there, girl!

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Susan R
5 hours ago, Denisenj said:

If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared !

Denise, Don’t be scared. what you quote above was very true for me. My problem was that I didn’t trust my own hair as able to pass as female...especially when it was shorter than my wigs. When I came out to my neighbors, I was afraid to go out in public without wearing one of my wigs as they were very much like my security blanket in some ways.

A nice neighbor couple came over to my place for a visit and I was having a lazy day and wearing my ‘much shorter’ natural hair instead of my usual wig. I was in my own home so I figured I wasn’t going to wear a hot wig on such a warm summer day. They both mentioned to me in different way, “Oh, Your natural hair looks so much better than the wig.”. I still didn’t believe it though.  About a week later, I decided to give it a try during one of my daily walks around the neighborhood. The response to my natural hair was unanimously good. Needless to say, I haven’t worn any of my wigs since.  It was still a little scary but in time all fear disappeared. This can happen for you too. It just takes that first step forward.

1 hour ago, Tori M said:

This is part of why I say that transition might be the hardest thing that anyone can ever do.  But, it does get easier and the hormones do reduce some of the excess work eventually.

Tori is so correct here. Anyone who tells you transition is easy probably isn’t transitioning themselves. It is hard work. Even cis women will admit how hard it is to be a woman. Primping, walking, behaving, gesturing, moving, speaking reacting, etc..like a woman is hard work but is fulfilling. The end result makes us feel good. It does eventually become second nature with a little work and time. In my opinion, it is so worth that little extra. Don’t give up hope yet @Denisenj.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

Link to post
  • Root Admin
Carolyn Marie

Denise, do you have a therapist (gender or otherwise)?  If not, I urge you to find one and talk things over with them.  The kinds of doubts you're having and your concerns are just the kinds of things most therapists are good at assisting you with.  These days most therapists can do TeleHealth or Zoom sessions, so you don't even need to live near one to get what you need.  If you do have a therapist I suggest that you talk to them about all the things you mentioned to us.

 

Like the others have said, this is not easy, and transition is especially hard at times.  Doubts are routine and expected.  I'm glad you reached out to us.  But we here can only do so much.  Whether transition is right for you is something only you can answer, with guidance from a trained therapist.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to post
On 7/9/2020 at 9:51 AM, Denisenj said:

Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard.

Hi Denise!  I am not even close to where you are at in the stage of HRT/Transition, but I have had similar thoughts of how difficult it might be to live full-time woman and the effort required.
I have contemplated many different scenarios for myself, but the only thing I've come up with that gives me comfort is ... "Don't make any rules for yourself".
We're already breaking all of the unwritten "rules" of society by choosing to transition.  Why would we want to pile on?
 

Everybody else's advice and experience here is probably more practical and wise than mine .. but all I have to say is ..

no matter what?  You Go Girl❣️

Link to post
  • 1 month later...
Denisenj

In a way I wish I would have continued HRT. I was only on it for 2 months and stopped around July 9th my T levels were dropping and my hormones were going up.I am seeking a therapist  now.  I know I should be a woman BUT!!

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

@Denisenj welcome back.  I've wondered how you were doing.  I'm glad to hear you are looking for a therapist.  You are a woman, and you will be fine.

 

Hugs, Jani

Link to post
Denisenj

I needed that support thank you Jeni.  I know I am a woman a scared woman

Link to post
22 hours ago, Denisenj said:

I know I should be a woman BUT!!

 

11 hours ago, Denisenj said:

I know I am a woman a scared woman

That's great that you are seeking a therapist now, Denise.  My BIG breakthrough came during my latest therapy session ... and that breakthrough was ... Self Acceptance


Keep moving forward!  Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

Link to post

Denise, I to am on the fence almost everyday. but for a different reason. Mine is family. Do I lose most of my family and be happy as a female. Or do I stay a husband, father and grandfather and be kind of happy. That dilemma is fought every single day. many time during the day. 

 

One thing I know that I cannot do is stop. I have discussed it with my therapist and deduced that stopping would be detrimental to my health. My major depression will probably tank and fall into the unknown  abyss.Never to be heard from again.

 

Hang in there. Good for you looking for a therapist. They can help guide you.

 

Kymmie

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   13 Members, 0 Anonymous, 76 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Shay
    • Rorelai
    • Emily michelle
    • Confused1
    • MaryMary
    • JustineM
    • JoanCute
    • Lee H
    • Denisenj
    • Jandi
    • KymmieL
    • Jocelyn
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,019
    • Total Posts
      657,328
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,410
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Arin Rudd
    Newest Member
    Arin Rudd
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1.  tscad
      tscad
      (29 years old)
    2. irl_spark
      irl_spark
      (27 years old)
  • Posts

    • JustineM
      Good morning everyone. Back to the grind today after a nice mini-vacation. Coffee was strong and drank. Time to pull up my big girl britches and deal with the Monday’s. 
    • Jandi
    • Lee H
      It seems to me that letting her know that you want to see things from her perspective, that you are doing your best to do so, and that you would like her to share that perspective with you, might help?   I suppose she might want you to stop, go back. You couldn't be your authentic self if you were to do so, however. She would be married to someone whose life journey she blocked because of her own preferences, and you both would know it. It would become a different elephant in the room, always a huge problem, spoken or unspoken. But it's not as if you are saying you don't love her any more or that you don't want to be with her. You are saying just the opposite. You are changing genders, not your entire being. The essence of Berni will not disappear, including your love for her?   So assuming she just doesn't want to jump ship entirely, maybe if you are able to see things from her perspective, she could identify discreet issues, concerns, fears, and the two of you could figure out ways to work on them together?   I wish you the very best, Berni. I hope you can work things out -- I'm alone, and it sucks. It is worth a lot of effort.   ~~Big hug, Lee~~
    • Jandi
      I love a skirt.   Can hardly get me into britches these days unless it's for something like using a chainsaw or something.  I use leggings with them in cold weather.  Maybe it's because I had to wear pants for most of my life.  Of course at my age I avoid the short ones.
    • Jackie C.
      I've got a peasant skirt that I love, but I don't think that's exactly the same thing. I completely agree though, there's just something about the way they flow when I swing my hips.   Hugs!
    • Kestrel McLoughlin
      I have socks like those in knee-highs too, but I didn't want to subsume the leggings, they had something to say too.   I am quite excited to get into skirts. I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)   I also want to touch base with some feminine people in my life about feminine clothing I didn't quite understand: a lovely acquaintance of mine once wore what at first appeared to be a button-up dress shirt, but instead of buttoned up it was tucked criss-cross into itself like a kimono, and the skirt acted as a belt. I haven't the faintest idea whether that was a real button-up shirt (and if so whether it was oversized for the purpose), or a mock of a button-up meant for exactly that motif.   Both Google and Siri think I'm insane when I describe these things. Clearly I need community.
    • Carolyn Marie
      Watching father and son react to each other's wins and all the family together was wonderful.  I haven't seen the show but it must be a great one.   Carolyn Marie
    • Shay
      For all our sisters and brothers and all along the spectrum - as the fires abate and the storms let go and to honor our Sister RBG who truly found her place in the sun and showed us how to find ours.    
    • Shay
      let's move it up a notch            
    • Jandi
      It is a fun show
    • Shay
      love this version of DON'T COME AROUND HERE NO MORE    
    • Abi
    • Abi
      I saw Petty when I was much younger. Their show was definitely one of the better ones I saw.
    • Shay
      @Kestrel McLoughlin I forgot to mention I love your color coordinating. I got rid of my slutty attempts and am finally settling in with learning my style which is more '70's hippie and florals and I'm so glad the type of clothes I loved and wanted to wear in my youth are coming back and I am still in good enough shape and weight to wear them without looking like an old lady wanting to look young when she shouldn't.   I love your name and your style and your HAT!   You are beautiful.
    • Emily michelle
      Color coordinating is hard for me too. I’m constantly sent back to go change by my wife because I can’t match lol.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...