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Having second thoughts now !


Denisenj

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Denisenj
Well I been on HRT for a little over 2 months. I been walking / riding a bike for exercise . Really not much to report and I won't get into too much detail. Even tho I lost weight my boobs didn't shrink even before going on HRT. Maybe my butt got a little fatter , hard to tell. no change in my areola . Softer skin ?? , I always had soft skin. some shrinkage, and maybe a little bit more emotional. Maybe my boobs got a tiny bit fuller. Now that I got divorced, and lost about 55 lbs my self-esteem went up alot. Girls are starting to noticing me more and give me complements and I like that. Yes I did get a girl ask me how my face is so smooth, I said I use Estee Lauder day wear cream. I had my 4th session of lasor last week on my upper lip. Did I go out and get a nice pedicure when the salons opened up in NJ and the girl picked the color. Yes I have been wearing it out with women's sandals in guy mode for the past week yes, no strange stares a few girl like it. I went to C&B today and bought one girl shorts and 2 tops to wear golfing, no skirts yet LOL.. They can pass for guy or girl clothes no booty shorts. and I got me 2 perfume pens size . I know that if I continue on HRT and transition my chances of finding a girl to love will be slim to none. Another trans woman I could learn to love, but I was always the submissive one and you know what that means. I had 2 blood work done and everything looks good and on the 16th I have a phone call with a DR. I was looking forward to getting my ears pierced and getting a full set of nails with Gel , now I am not sure. Being degraded for years by my EX and being told I was a worthless -awesome person- left me wanting to become a woman, now I feel a whole lot better that my self and finally enjoying life. Being trans is a lot of work, is my dysphoria about being male that severe??? Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard. If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared ! IF I stop taking HRT will some things reverse!
 
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It is ok to be scared and have doubts but, I wouldn't go shooting down your chances of finding happiness, too quickly. It is not easy to go through divorce and all the feelings that go with that. Add to that the complexity of trying to be seen by others in a way that makes you happy. It is so much to work through and so frustrating. I find, if I doubt myself ever and want to reassure my heart, I look back to how I felt long before the experiences of the ex. I also rely heavily on advice from many sources. Give yourself time to find the things that bring you joy. ?

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Tori M

Hi @Denisenj.  You're reminding me of my first few months of being out to the world.  Wow, yea, that was a LOT of work.  My partner could get ready for a gala dinner party in 40 minutes while it took me an hour just to get out the door to the store.  Irritated the heck out of her.  MANY hours learning makeup, removing hair, bad hair days, and exhausting shopping for very specific clothes that flattered me.  On top of that, more checks, touchups and adjustments throughout the day, plus operating as a woman in this world just takes more time than it does for men.  Unfortunately, decades of dressing occasionally in private did not prepare me for the reality of full-time womanhood plus the additional requirements of being a trans woman.  This is part of why I say that transition might be the hardest thing that anyone can ever do.  But, it does get easier and the hormones do reduce some of the excess work eventually.

 

Periods of doubt never go away.  Numerous times I wondered if I could really do all that stuff forever, but one day I thought to myself, "If I am really a woman then I should be able to persevere through anything."  That became my mantra to this day and it has carried me through all the difficulties.  Also, in my case my male dysphoria was bad enough to never want to go back.

 

Some things do reverse to some extent without hormones (done that), but once you have breasts they don't go away.  Don't give up on love though, it's not as unlikely as you think.  My late partner (that I met online) of 16 years was kind of Bi/Lesbian/Asexual and we were a match made in heaven.  Hang in there, girl!

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Susan R
5 hours ago, Denisenj said:

If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared !

Denise, Don’t be scared. what you quote above was very true for me. My problem was that I didn’t trust my own hair as able to pass as female...especially when it was shorter than my wigs. When I came out to my neighbors, I was afraid to go out in public without wearing one of my wigs as they were very much like my security blanket in some ways.

A nice neighbor couple came over to my place for a visit and I was having a lazy day and wearing my ‘much shorter’ natural hair instead of my usual wig. I was in my own home so I figured I wasn’t going to wear a hot wig on such a warm summer day. They both mentioned to me in different way, “Oh, Your natural hair looks so much better than the wig.”. I still didn’t believe it though.  About a week later, I decided to give it a try during one of my daily walks around the neighborhood. The response to my natural hair was unanimously good. Needless to say, I haven’t worn any of my wigs since.  It was still a little scary but in time all fear disappeared. This can happen for you too. It just takes that first step forward.

1 hour ago, Tori M said:

This is part of why I say that transition might be the hardest thing that anyone can ever do.  But, it does get easier and the hormones do reduce some of the excess work eventually.

Tori is so correct here. Anyone who tells you transition is easy probably isn’t transitioning themselves. It is hard work. Even cis women will admit how hard it is to be a woman. Primping, walking, behaving, gesturing, moving, speaking reacting, etc..like a woman is hard work but is fulfilling. The end result makes us feel good. It does eventually become second nature with a little work and time. In my opinion, it is so worth that little extra. Don’t give up hope yet @Denisenj.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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Carolyn Marie

Denise, do you have a therapist (gender or otherwise)?  If not, I urge you to find one and talk things over with them.  The kinds of doubts you're having and your concerns are just the kinds of things most therapists are good at assisting you with.  These days most therapists can do TeleHealth or Zoom sessions, so you don't even need to live near one to get what you need.  If you do have a therapist I suggest that you talk to them about all the things you mentioned to us.

 

Like the others have said, this is not easy, and transition is especially hard at times.  Doubts are routine and expected.  I'm glad you reached out to us.  But we here can only do so much.  Whether transition is right for you is something only you can answer, with guidance from a trained therapist.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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On 7/9/2020 at 9:51 AM, Denisenj said:

Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard.

Hi Denise!  I am not even close to where you are at in the stage of HRT/Transition, but I have had similar thoughts of how difficult it might be to live full-time woman and the effort required.
I have contemplated many different scenarios for myself, but the only thing I've come up with that gives me comfort is ... "Don't make any rules for yourself".
We're already breaking all of the unwritten "rules" of society by choosing to transition.  Why would we want to pile on?
 

Everybody else's advice and experience here is probably more practical and wise than mine .. but all I have to say is ..

no matter what?  You Go Girl❣️

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  • 1 month later...
Denisenj

In a way I wish I would have continued HRT. I was only on it for 2 months and stopped around July 9th my T levels were dropping and my hormones were going up.I am seeking a therapist  now.  I know I should be a woman BUT!!

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@Denisenj welcome back.  I've wondered how you were doing.  I'm glad to hear you are looking for a therapist.  You are a woman, and you will be fine.

 

Hugs, Jani

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Denisenj

I needed that support thank you Jeni.  I know I am a woman a scared woman

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22 hours ago, Denisenj said:

I know I should be a woman BUT!!

 

11 hours ago, Denisenj said:

I know I am a woman a scared woman

That's great that you are seeking a therapist now, Denise.  My BIG breakthrough came during my latest therapy session ... and that breakthrough was ... Self Acceptance


Keep moving forward!  Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

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Denise, I to am on the fence almost everyday. but for a different reason. Mine is family. Do I lose most of my family and be happy as a female. Or do I stay a husband, father and grandfather and be kind of happy. That dilemma is fought every single day. many time during the day. 

 

One thing I know that I cannot do is stop. I have discussed it with my therapist and deduced that stopping would be detrimental to my health. My major depression will probably tank and fall into the unknown  abyss.Never to be heard from again.

 

Hang in there. Good for you looking for a therapist. They can help guide you.

 

Kymmie

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  • 1 month later...
Bobbie Scott

Hi Denise , I too tried transitioning about a year ago. I was on hormones and keeping it to myself.  My girlfriend said she would leave me if I took them. After about 8months she noticed I was changing and called me out. I quit to try and keep her. After  about 3months she broke up with me again.  I  have to tell you I was pretty miserable for those 3months.  I've been back on them for about a month now. My mom  and a few people that my girlfriend told are the only ones who know. My breasts are growing again, and I'm scared because I know eventually I  won't be able to hide the changes. I'm also scared of what my kids  and grandchildren will think. I'm hanging in there though. I've joined 3 support groups, got a therapist and I'm also in AA. I just  got  sponsor who's also transgendered. She's been a god send to me. I also had  someone try to fix me up with someone. She was very pretty. But at my age I won't have any more opportunities to try and be who I really am.  God bless you, and do whats right for you. 

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I think second thoughts are par for the course.  Transitioning is a major life changing thing.  I tried to transition back in about 2000, but was not in a stable mental state at the time, and things went badly.  Fast forward about 17 years or so, and with lots of therapy, I was finally able to work on other issues in my life and got to a place where I felt ready to transition again, as the gender dysphoria was the last major issue that I was not addressing.  I have been on HRT again since January 2018 and full time since August 2019.  And you know what, there are times I still question things.  I wonder what's the point and whether or not I made the right decision.  When I think about going back to living as I was, pre-transition, I get sick to my stomach.  Even though I question it at times, I know that for me, transitioning was the right and only path. 

 

I think doubt is a very normal thing with this type of decision.  You are the only one who can decide what is right for you, but having doubt does not automatically mean it is not the right path.  Work with your therapist and find the path that works for you.

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