What next?

[Billy]

Hi everyone, 

I have come out to my wife, brother and my close friends about being trans. It went quite well, maybe also because I felt I really need their help to get through this. My wife is a bit detached though. 

Now what I was not so sure about when coming out was who exactly I am. I started with I think I am non-binary. But as I am trying to practice self-acceptance in these very low moments when I think my body is wrong and that I cannot get through this, it helped me to accept that I am a trans man. 

Now I am not sure what to do next with this? I am feeling this great pressure to get better again as I am barely getting through the day (which is not good with two small kids). Also, I have not told my wife about my new findings. 

Any advice would be very welcome. 

A big hug to all of you! 

Billy

 

[Chrysalis]

I dressed someone else's feeling about that very same sort of thing. What i said then and strongly suggest now is that you find a gender therapist! Like alcohol counselors, it is most typically Gender Therapists are trans themselves and so have been through the early stages of doubt and confusion and come through with experience and the knowledge that provides. 

Hope that offers you some hope and help?

[Susan R]

On 7/11/2020 at 9:12 PM, Billy said:

I have come out to my wife, brother and my close friends about being trans. It went quite well, maybe also because I felt I really need their help to get through this. My wife is a bit detached though.

Hello and welcome Billy. Coming out is a good step toward self acceptance. I’m glad it went ok for everyone.  It’s a difficult step. Your wife has a lot to take in and the detachment you are experiencing could may be a temporary thing but be cautious at this point. She is likely in a state of uncertainly with both your futures in several aspects of your lives and is processing what this all means. A good solution, imho, is love, compassion and communication.  Talking is very important in this early stage. Let her know you’re aware of all her concerns and want to work with her through this. She also needs reassurance that you are inside, the same person at your core you’ve always been. It’s does sound like there is real hope for your relationship. Give her time.

 

On 7/12/2020 at 2:03 AM, Chrysalis said:

Like alcohol counselors, it is most typically Gender Therapists are trans themselves and so have been through the early stages of doubt and confusion and come through with experience and the knowledge that provides.

While this can be true, I have met several in this category that have developed an understanding through education, training, and experience over time helping the trans community. They also gain compassion through others means...a best friend, a neighbor and/or family member coming out to them. If you are looking for a therapist with a specialty in gender issues, don’t count on easily finding one that is trans although it is possible. Depending on your area, that may be limiting your choices and there are many good therapists with this specialization that aren’t trans.

 

@Billy I’m glad you joined us and hope to read more. Thanks for sharing today.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Billy]

Many thanks to both of you for your kind replies

[KayC]

On 7/12/2020 at 1:12 PM, Billy said:

Now I am not sure what to do next with this?

Hi Billy!  Welcome and nice to meet you!

You've already overcome a big obstacle by being able to come out to your wife and others close to you.  Congratulations!  That says a lot about your determination.
I have similar issues with my wife too, which range from reluctant support to high anxiety and sometimes anger.  Its a rollercoaster at times.
As @Chrysalis recommends, therapy with a gender specialist is highly recommended.  Coming to this Forum provided me that insight and helped bolster my courage to start.  I just had my first session last week .. I could feel the benefit immediately .. wish I had done it 20 years ago.
I've told my wife that I have to know who I am before I can know what I am ... and then we can hopefully work our way through this .. together.
I am hoping you have the same opportunity to seek out therapy.   Wishing you all the best❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Billy]

Thanks, I spoke to a counseller in my city today which was very helpful. 

 

Unfortunately, my mom and dad are not taking it as well as I thought. My mom told me my dad said "she is so selfish, does she not think of her family and her children? First having children and now that....". I feel awful. I am also worried about my kids. So I will talk to my dad shortly. 

My mom also wanted to tell me that "this will be very difficult for me". 

 

I am beginning to think that I told them too early. 

[Jackie C.]

Parents can be a handful. However, you've come out to your spouse. Together the two of you can come up with a plan to tell the kids. Past that, well, your parents would be nice to have on your side, but if you've got your spouse and your kids you've covered the people closest to you.

 

Your dad... honestly, how is, "I would like to stop suffering please?" selfish? OK, it makes things a little harder for the people around you but I'd think that the people who love you would want you to be happy. Am I wrong? I want the people I care about to be happy.

 

Your mom isn't wrong. Being trans and transitioning isn't easy. However, the goal is to make you happy in your own skin. That's priceless.

 

Hugs!

[Billy]

Thanks a lot.

I spoke to my dad about and he wondered if taking female hormones could not make the male feeling go away inside of me. 

I ask him to educate himself a bit on transgender and sent him some material. 

 

I do not know yet for sure if my wife is on my side. 

 

I think I came out too early to my parents as I am still in the phase of not knowing who exactly I am and that does not make it easier for them either. But it is the way it is now.... 

[Billy]

PS: is there a forum here that talks about transgender and having young kids? 

[SaraAW]

Hi Billy, My wife said the same thing to me regarding taking male hormones to make me feel better. My T levels were only just outside the typical male range when I was tested. So it is not like I didn't have any, so how would more make me feel better? I can tell you that since taking charge of my life, trying to live authentically and starting on female hormones, I have felt better than I have in my entire life.

 

There are plenty of cis people who have low sex hormones, and none of them feel the need to transition. So why would taking the hormones your Dad thinks are right for you make any difference. Being transgender is more than just hormones.

 

Also, as Jackie has said above, being trans and  transition is far from easy, so in that way your Mom is correct. However, for most of us that do decide to take steps, we find the challenges are more than offset by the joy and relief of not hiding and being our true selves inside and out.

[Billy]

Dear all, thanks for your advice and I am sure you can all be proud to where you have gotten to now. 

Bug hug!