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Coming out on Social media thoughts and questions


Bri2020

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Bri2020

I'm so not ready to make this leap yet but I over analyze and plan so....  Does anyone have any thoughts on the pros/cons /timing of when to come out on Social Media?  Do you set up a whole new profile so you can invite friends and allies or use the accounts you already have and change your name/gender?  

I'm not going to do it until I've talked to all my local friends and my siblings of course. 

I've got such a wide network of friends and work associations it's way too hard to have individual conversations with everyone. It would take years.

I don't want to hurt people's feelings by making it less personal but......

Are there any security risks- physical and emotional I should prep for?

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KathyLauren

If you are going to create a second profile on any social media, you have to be super careful to keep them separate.  The only one I have experience with is Facebook.  Remember that its objective is to connect everybody with everybody else.  It is always looking for connections, so you have to make sure there are none.

 

If possible, use different computers for the different profiles.  Facebook has the address of each computer, and if they are the same address, it will assume you know each other.  If you can't use separate computers, at least use a different browser for each one.  If you use the same browser, the two identities will share "cookies", and Facebook will instantly know you are the same person.  Separate browsers will at least keep the cookies separate.

 

You cannot have anyone be a "friend" of both identities.  If person A is friends with both your profiles, anyone who knows both A and one of your identities will be asked by Facebook if they want to "friend" your other identity.  I allowed my wife to friend both my identities, but only on condition that I could police her friends list and make sure we had none in common.

 

It's a pain in the butt to keep two identities separate on a promiscuous system like Facebook.  My recommendation is to avoid it if possible.

 

When to come out?  Only you can decide that.  I ran with two identities for some months before I was out.  When it was time to come out to the world, I asked my friends on my "Kathy" profile to friend my deadname profile.  Then I cancelled the Kathy account, renamed and re-gendered the deadname account, and posted a coming-out announcement on it.  I could have done the accounts the other way around, but I had history on the deadname account that I didn't want to lose, so it made sense to me to expire the temporary Kathy account.  YMMV, of course.

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  • Forum Moderator

I think the biggest issue I see is you lose some control of your narrative as opposed to coming out personally.  As to social media this forum is all I have so I cannot comment too deeply but from everything I've read Kathy's summary is spot on.  

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QuestioningAmber

I have started to put some thought into this as well. I am also leaning towards the two account approach. In Chrome you can use the incognito browser to launch a new cookie free session of websites where you aren't logged in. When I come out, I think I am going to retire my current profile and start fresh with my new profile. It will have the same anniversaries by that point. I can't figure out when I want to start doing this. I did actually create a second email already, and have an alternate meetup, and already part of the active group at least that I am in. I have a lot of fear with coming out, and I know that is something my therapist and I keep talking about. I do know I at least want to come out to my parents, brothers, and two of my aunts at least before I come out more. That fear of rejection just gets to me.

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I'm trialling my new identity on Facebook right now, and I'm finding it very exciting. I don't have to be friends with my aunties or my college roommate, which means that I don't need to censor what I say or how I say it.

 

I haven't been using it for long, but so far it's been extremely liberating.

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I kept my old accounts and came out publicly on Instagram. I lost access to my facebook account a few years ago so that one won't be changed, but I feel like that'd be the most dangerous one to transition on because it's a lot more conservative than other platforms. Maybe it just seems that way because a lot of my family are vocal bigots, but I also feel like with how you can see what friends like you are more likely to be exposed to transphobes. I don't plan on making a new account because I was so tired of how gross my family is and never got on before they got political anyways. However, my experience with other platforms is generally support. A few people unfollowed me, but I'll take that over trolls any day. It's probably also different based on age group. I may make a coming out video for my parents to post on facebook for family, but I don't if it's even worth it.

 

The good thing about social media is you can block people. You may have a lot of people to block on facebook keeping your old account, but I feel like that could happen with a new account too. Facebook is just scary to me. 

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I am in no way a tech person. I had several diff personalities website for my previous occupation, but once i quit that business I deleted all those acc. Frankly don't care if they re appear via some kind off black mail scam either.

I have and always had only one FB acc filled only with the people that close to me. Thus when I was ready to tell everyone I just pull the band-aid off and came out on FB.

I most say, I had 200 hundred close family and friend before i can out and now its down to like 150. I got some message saying how ungodly it was and a few older relatives that said they did not understand and a couple of what i thought where friend calling me a -awesome person-.

But hey it would of taken me weeks and half of my sanity to call or em everyone.

So i am happy with my choice.' 

Good luck and as always, be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

 

 

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ElizabethStar

I've been thinking about this for last few weeks. I use Facebook and that's about it. I have thought about just updating my info without making it into a post. But then again, I would also like to know who my real friends are so the idea of making it a bigger thing is tempting. Thankfully, I avoided taking pictures of myself so there's only a handful of them. The block user and delete post/picture buttons are looking really tempting.

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am in no way a tech person. I had several diff personalities website for my previous occupation, but once i quit that business I deleted all those acc. Frankly don't care if they re appear via some kind off black mail scam either.

I have and always had only one FB acc filled only with the people that close to me. Thus when I was ready to tell everyone I just pull the band-aid off and came out on FB.

I most say, I had 200 hundred close family and friend before i can out and now its down to like 150. I got some message saying how ungodly it was and a few older relatives that said they did not understand and a couple of what i thought where friend hateful names.

But hey it would of taken me weeks and half of my sanity to call or em everyone.

So i am happy with my choice.' 

Good luck and as always, be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

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I did my major coming out on Facebook.  There were a few close friends at work (along with my supervisors since I had been on HRT for a while before coming out fully....I felt they needed to know since my plan was to eventually transition on the job), but the vast majority of my friends and family did not know.  On National Coming Out Day of 2018, I made a Facebook post telling everything from being Pansexual to being Trangender.  I have friends and family in several states, so there was no real effective way to do any of it on a one to one basis.  I had no negative reactions, and lost none of my friends or family over it.  I will have been full-time one year on August 15th.  There were also ones at work that knew nothing until the day I went full-time, and they have all been very supportive.  I came out to our entire regional corporate office (most of who had no idea I even existed) with a letter from my Therapist attached to my submission for a promotion into management.  I start in my new management position on August 12th.  The only person that I have noticed that has had any difficulty with any of it is my sister.  She says it is hard to not think of me as her baby brother, but she does try, and uses my preferred name and pronouns.

 

Your milage may vary, but it is possible to successfully come out via Facebook and other types of electronic media.

 

 

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I am just about done my personal coming outs. I have started to purge my socials in prep of updating them with my name and other details. Not sure yet if I’ll do a post or just update my details quietly. I still need to come out at work and with a couple of friends and then I’ll do the social thing and let it all happen organically from that point forward. 

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HollyNoel

When I'm ready to come out on social media I'm just going to rip that duct tape right off and who ever decides they don't want to be around me or talk to me then I'm just going to let them go. There was only one person I was scared to tell and that was bmy mom, everyone else can just go lick a pickle! I can't keep caring about what people think of me. If they cared then they would be supportive and not judge me because of who I am on the outside. I'm still me, the wrapper doesn't change the candy bar. It's still the same candy on the inside. So for me at least, when it comes to social media, I'm just going to put it out there and whatever hair comes off with that sticky duct tape will have to just go.

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Bri2020
32 minutes ago, HollyNoel said:

, I'm just going to put it out there and whatever hair comes off with that sticky duct tape will have to just go.

I'm in the hair removal process anyways so.....  

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Lots to think about.

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HollyNoel

Bri2020, I wish you luck, just know that what ever happens, you have us to get support from.. Did you like the duct tape hair removal thing.. lol

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  • 3 weeks later...

So I bit the bullet and just changed my name on social media- guess I'm fully out.  aaahhhhhhh!!!!

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QuestioningAmber

Congratulations on coming out. Just remember that you are worth the effort and if someone reacts, it is a them issue, not a you issue.

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HollyNoel

Congratulations Bri2020. I know it's hard to come out on social media, but it's worth it in the long run. Just remember, if anyone has a problem with you being you, it's their problem. You did the right thing for you.

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Hei,

I came out on social media a year after coming out socially in the local area. First a new Facebook account, then my High School alumni page and finally changing the name on my old Facebook account. I have lost very few old friends, in that  I am very fortunate, but even though I have been totally out everywhere,  the odd discomfort comes up every once in a while. One old girlfriend told me she liked the new me better than the old me. I had one sibling delete me and I had one old girlfriend add me. 

What ever happens to you on social media it is just that, it's Social Media. Old friends and family will surprise you, some surprises will be good and others will hurt for a long time, maybe forever. In 2021 I am going to get together with three former bandmates. We haven't seen each other in 46 years. Two members of the band have known about Erikka for almost two years and the other since last week They are all good with it and looking forward to maybe spend an afternoon jamming one more time. I had another close friend refuse to use my new name entirely and not sure if when we meet at the next HS reunion he will acknowledge me.  The cost of transitioning is expensive physically, but even more so emotionally. 

Whatever you decide to do, go slowly and go with grace.

Velsignelser

Erikka

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ElizabethStar

I started taking baby steps on social media. I had promised my wife I would start including her on my decisions. So last night we talked about how I should handle things. In the end, with her blessing, I updated my gender and pronouns on FB without making it into a post. She advised against changing my display name at this time but said it was ultimately my decision. So we are moving forward, slow but surely, through the social side of my transition.

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3 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

 She advised against changing my display name at this time but said it was ultimately my decision. So we are moving forward, slow but surely, through the social side of my transition.

Once you change your name you can't change it back for 60 days or so.  Make sure you are ready. I went that route and I did get a rude comment from a distant acquaintance. I realized I had way too many people on my FB page that were just people that I met or barely knew.  I started unfriending and then that caused an issue so I just deactivated my dead name account. I started a new one with my new name and gender and started re-friending everyone who knew about my transition and supported me.   It's been a much more positive experience this way.  

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HollyNoel

Bri, I'm so sorry you received a rude comment. People can be rude even if something isn't really any of their business. I'm so sorry honey. hugs Holly.

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1 hour ago, HollyNoel said:

Bri, I'm so sorry you received a rude comment. People can be rude even if something isn't really any of their business. I'm so sorry honey. hugs Holly.

Thanks hon, I'm over it.  I kinda expected it earlier but it took a week for someone to do that.  Honestly I can't complain, that's been the only negativity I've experienced since fully coming out a little over a month ago.

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HollyNoel

I transitioned on social media a while ago. I got more than my fair share of rude people but I don't care what they say. Only one person I care about and that's my mom. Everyone else can go sleep with themselves. That don't matter in the bigger picture of things. That doesn't mean I don't feel it when a rude person has something to say, just means I'm going to let it go. I don't have time to live by someone else's opinions of me.

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