Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

It’s More About Envy than Desire


Sally Stone

Recommended Posts

There’s no denying I have always been attracted physically to women, but whenever I would look upon a woman, much of what I felt was envy more than desire.  It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, so, I always find myself wondering how much different my thoughts are from men that are not trans. 

 

I can’t imagine them wondering how they’d look in that dress, or how wonderful it would be to have those shoes.  Surely, they don’t find themselves envious of that hourglass figure, or those beautiful legs.  Do they acknowledge how expertly that woman’s makeup is applied; do they recognize how flattering the shade of lipstick she’s chosen is?  I wonder, because those are typical of my thoughts when I see a woman.  Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

So, when a woman catches me staring, she probably thinks of me the way she thinks of all men who stare at women.  I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.  If only she could know that the reason I stare is because of a collection of thoughts and feelings way more complicated.   It’s possible there is still some desire, but it is, and always has been, all about the envy.        

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
8 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

@Sally Stone, get out of my head. I've felt this very same way. I literally said these same words to my wife when I came out to her.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy?????

Link to comment
11 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

As much as that deeply resonates with me, I feel like it's more complicated in my case. I've always had very strong desires of "wanting 'her'", and I often still do, but over the last number of years, more and more I find my thoughts of "wanting 'her'" are competing more and more with "I want to BE her!!!", and lately, I feel like latter has the edge.

 

But its always jumbled up and mixed for me. I'll spend hours wondering "what in the world was I thinking? I'm totally fine being AMAB male! Just as I've always been!", and then BOOM!, I'm out at a store, and I see other women, with their feminine bodies, dressed in their feminine apparel, maybe with other feminine adornments or accessories and my envy just goes straight into overdrive and at this point any time I see a remotely pretty lady anywhere, I have weird conflicting feelings involving some seemingly random combination of desire and/or envy, or, very often, both.

Link to comment
12 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.

In my experience, once in a great while, she does!  And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

I imagine the expression on my face may give things away -- instead of an appreciative grin, I probably have a furtive, conflicted, uneasy look.  After a second or two of assessing whether I'm some kind of misogynistic weirdo, she puts two and two together and thinks ". . . Ohh!"

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

 Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.      

Yep, same here.

I was going to say I looked at, then I realised I still do - look at their legs and calves to see the definition from wearing heels and then how they walk so I could imitate the proper footfall. Love my heels and skirts .. ?

 

 

Link to comment

These feelings were an awakening for me.

 

images.jpeg.21ee5a1147522cab5e00fbd74e8e96e0.jpegI remember so clearly watching the show "Family" in the 1970s and wanting to BE Kristy Mcnichol so much. I knew it was different from a "crush" ... I was 10 or 12 years old and I just wanted to look and act exactly like her. It was the way they dressed her and had her act like a Tom-Boy. I wanted to be a Tom-Boy too.

 

There were many many more like her over the years, but she was really the first time I KNEW I was different.

 

Wierd. I haven't thought about that for years. Such a long and torturous journey from there to here. I'm so glad I finally got to be me.

Link to comment

I used to find myself staring at women all the time. I would study their curves, the ways they moved and how they would interact with other people. It was never in a sexual way and didn't "do something for me" by watching. Now it seems I was, for lack of better terms, studying them. The more I had learn about woman the more I saw myself and the more I fought who I was. Trying to avoid anything that could possibly confuse me with them.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@ElizabethStar I always did the same and had facial hair to hold me back. I still admire and want to be them and study... Also not sexual... I just want to be who I have always wanted to be but was too afraid to step forward. I am moving forward thanks to brave women like you. Thank you 

Shay

Link to comment
8 hours ago, Jacqui said:

And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

That's so nice!

Link to comment

Guilty of both types of watching.☺️ When I see an attractive woman she absolutely captivates me - usually the smile is the first thing I notice and then anything else.  However with friends and strangers I have also found myself just watching them move or dance and how they've put an outfit together, the way they've tied or styled their hair, or the subtle use of body glitter when it catches the light, or an amazing effect with eye and face makeup.  For most of my adult life I assumed it was just like appreciating an artist's work, it wasn't until I started questioning my gender I was honest enough to accept that there was a fair amount of whistful envy snuck in there too. I think one of my all time favourite feelings is when the conversation has reached that level where I am with a group of women and they forget that there is a "man" in the room with them. Total acceptance for a fleeting moment. *sigh*?❤️?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I just realized and re-read the topic heading - in my case it is ALL envy physically and all desire to be her.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 132 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • VickySGV
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Susie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      I have read numerous accounts of trans folk no longer being welcome among evangelicals.   I am here for help and fellowship not to rebuke anyone.  I can take a pretty high degree of insult, etc., and you haven't insulted me, to my recollection anyway :) and I usually let it go.  But I thought I would let it all out there.   I am sure I disagree with you on numerous issues.  I appreciate other people's viewpoints, including those who radically disagree with me.  Intellectual challenge is good. One thing I appreciate about @MaeBe.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Congrats!
    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...