Things So Far

[Guest Ryles_D]

My childhood is very much what I've seen many MtF and parents of young MtF describe. The first thing I asked for was a pair of ruby slippers (a fact my mom will never let me forget). I preferred dresses, often disney princesses- my parents had to pry me out of an Alice in Wonderland dress that my dad still has in storage. A Pocahontas dress is one of my earlier memory of clothes, the beads scratched against my skin and I still can't help but wonder what they were made of.

As a female bodied child, you're probably wondering what I'm doing on a gender forum.

After Kindergarten I stopped wearing dresses. I don't know when it stopped, I can't remember that far back. I just remember wearing them in kindergarten and not wearing htem after. My mom blames dad for this- that he forced me to stop wearing dresses somehow. Of course, mom blames dad for all of this. The reality, I suspect, is that I observed the other kid's clothing. The people who were skirts were always girls, never boys. I started to realize that wearing skirts was a girl thing to the rest of the world, and that wasn't good. I went from loving dresses to refusing to wear them because of it.

I never quite got the hang of girls vs boys- I couldn't figure out what made them different. Most of my friends were girls, I don't know if I preferred them or if they were just the only oens who didn't tease me mercilessly. I didn't have a problem playing with girl's toys, I still liked girl clothing so I think I liked things like barbie because I got to play dress up without having to be a girl myself.

I rejected the idea I was a girl- I never felt like one, I hated having to check "F" as a gender marker. For as long as I can remember I'd fill in both bubbles on the standardized tests they made us take. Anything that made me different from boys was ignored. I think I got mad when they told me what was going to happen to my body during puberty because of that. They didn't tell the boys they'd start bleeding and developing breasts, so don't tell it to me! Of course, I didn't listen to what they told the boys either- I don't think I wanted to hear anything that separated the sexes. This continued. I rejected puberty, I wouldn't even wear pads- I'd rather deal with the blood. I only started using pads when I went to a residential highschool, because mom bought them for me before I left and I had htem available. I still hate buying them. It wasn't until my 7th grade school nurse practically shamed me into wearing a bra that I got one.

My junior year I started at a residential highschool. I was on a girl's hall. I had a female roommate. I'd been to all-girl summer camps, and that was fine. But this was different. I wasn't there for a week or two- I was there for a year. I tried a month long summer camp like that, and I started getting miserably depressed the third week. School was worse- I threw up every day the first few weeks. I had stomach troubles the entire 2 years following. I was miserable there, but didn't really know why.

The summer before the second year I found out about asexuality and AVEN, and through it I found out about binders. I wanted one instantly. I looked around, and found out about transmen. I ended up finding this site- and found Ftm.Underworks. I talked to dad- and within a month I had my first binder. At first I thought I was an androgyne. I knew I was neither, and thought that's what it meant. Then I found out it mean tmore a combination of the two then a neither, so I immediately ditched it was glad to find neutrois soon after.

Over the next year and a half I varied between male and neutrois, while planning to do a FtM transition. I assumed that'd get me what I want- and msotly I thought I'd need T to get surgery. Luckily I learned better (that not only is T not what I want, but that you can find a way to get surgery without it) befroe I actually started on it. I think part of my concern was that being non-binary isn't exactly the easiest thing. If I could convince myself I was male, then I could transition to that, legally get it changed, be content with the pronouns, and have an easier time than trying to explain who and what I was. But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, I couldn't lie to myself.

And here I am. Hopefully able to get top surgery soon. Part of me wants to get the proper gender markers- but I don't htink I'll ever be able to. But I certainly intend to try when I'm in a place to do that.

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing your story, RDeis. Just be happy with who you are. Don't worry about what to call yourself. Whatever you decide to do, I am rooting for you.

Gennee

[Guest Deeedoo]

I understand that. I used to wear makeup and dresses and skirts, and I once had long, beautiful hair. I started to be less and less comfortable with that stuff. Now I know I am androgynous.

[Guest joe0117]

Thanks for sharing your story! Who needs labels - just be comfortable being you! Do what makes you happy!!!

Joe