Just When I Thought It Was Over...

[Guest bronx]

Yesturday was an eye opener and a shock to say the least. I'll tell you all what happened.

So I have a next store neighbor that i hang out with every now and then along with a few other guys in the block. I have recently distanced myself from him alittle because when he drinks he's annoying. Last night I was in bed and he sent me a text message to come have a beer with him, I sent him a message back that i was in bed and I will see him on the wekend, well he called me. I answered my phone and he told me that he knew my secret and that it was okay with him and that we were still boys, I asked him what he was talking about and he could'nt give me a straight answer, so I told him to meet me outside. When I got outside he was drinking and was visably drunk, I went up to him and asked hem what was up. He told me that he knew I had a sex change and that he had known since the first day we met. I denied it at first then his nephew came out side and we talked a little and he said that they knew about me and it was okay and that I needed to come clean. I just stood there. I then sat down and said yeah that I was a trans man and how did they know. They said it was a MAN thing. I was like WHAT? I 'm a man. After that I was not a happy guy, my neighbor the drunk one kept saying it was okay and saying it over and over. After that ghis mom came out the house and he outed me to her. She's a nice woman, and she said that she worked with trans people and that It was no big deal. I was like this cant be happining. A few min. later I went with his mom to the store and she spoke to me and told me about her son. After we came back I needed to know how they knew so I hung out for awhile, about an hour later his nefew said it was my chest that gave me away. I'm a small guy and my chest is not. I bind really well. what it was was that when they hit me a few times playing as guys do in my chest it was soft not hard as it should be. So we talked alittle more and I came home. ANGRY.

I talked to my wife for three hours last night and I felt so many diffrent feelings. I'm not ashamed to be who I am, I just wanna be. By the end of the night I decided thatit it what it is and that I knew when I fist started this jurney that it will both good and bad. I'm gonna be me regardless and hold my head high cause the minute I feel ashamed that's the moment they and everyone else has power. Its all attitude and some days are hard, I just thought those days were behind me.

[Sally]

Angel,

I know that this is not at all what you wanted to have happening but on the bright side - they don't care.

It could have been a guy who is transphobic and there you would be living next door to the enemy!

So things aren't that bad.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest skyy]

sorry to hear all of that, but sally makes a good point, but i do know what you mean, it gets annoying to always be reminded of your condition. hope you feel better soon, and i hope they just drop this soon.

[Guest Evan_J]

Aw dude. That is so messed up.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I agree with Evan... my generation talking? BUMMER!

I wish people would just let us be ourselves. So why should they even bring it up to you? Because it makes them feel big and noble that they can forgive you for being such a 'weirdo!' I mean they are normal and you aren't - just makes them feel superior... And all the time they are the weird ones - bigotted basturds!

Yes - you think that would all be behind you... don't let an obnoxious alchoholic ruin your day!

At least you are okay in your own skin... not drinking to forget how miserable you are.

WOW - I really got hot on this topic!

HATE it when people hurt us - we are such good people, and we are really lucky we to have lived a dual life, regardless of such a struggle to survive

Heaven will be boring in comparison!

Lizzy

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Angel, I'm so sorry that happened. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sorry, man...

I wish I knew something comforting to say. All I can offer is the assurance that I feel for you. I really do.

It's good that you aren't going to let them get you down. Man...I don't know what is up with people and their loose lips. I also don't know what's the deal with that "come clean" bit. People feel like we're being deceptive or something and like it is their duty to out us once they know. NOT COOL!

[Guest bronx]

I have come soo far in my transition and with self acceptance. But it doesnt change how angry I am. I know that I will get over this in a few days, but its hard right now. I talked to a transwoman I know this afternoon and she was very supportive and that helpted alot. Just I don't know what else to do. Part of me wants to comfront him when he is sober and another part wants to just leave it alone. What to Do?

[Guest angie]

Bronx,

That is part of our journey being trans.You get tough for the negativity.

Atleast you had your friends mother that understands our need to be who

we are.Being outed is painful,but it's not the end of the world.And I am sure

it only strengthens your resolve to get your top surgery.I feel your pain my

brother.

Big Warm Hugs,

Angie(who knows what it is to be outed)

[Guest angie]

Part of me wants to comfront him when he is sober and another part wants to just leave it alone. What to Do?

Let it ride.

For trans,confrontation should be a no-no.It will only strenghten their resolve to out you more often.

Let your appearance and actions as a man speak for themselves.Do not sink to his level.

Plus he was drunk,said what was on his mind.Speaking his mind truthfully that only drinking gave

him the nerve to.Be the man you are,and keep it cool and be his friend.His momma knows and accepts you,he will come around to seeing the truth of who you are.You are no woman,you are a man,a good man and friend.

Hugs Dude,

Angie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Angel.....

I'm so sorry, Honey....

That sux out loud!

We'll be confronted with idiots sprinkled through out our life time....

Be angry....feel it....get it out of your system....

then move on....

It will be better....

I promise....

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest rachael1]

I can totally understand you anger and admire you for not lashing out or showing him how he had hurt you.

If i were you i wouldn't hang out with him as he extorted personal information from you and then outed you which is something a friend wouldn't do.

He should be so lucky as to be half the man you are.

Rachael

[Carolyn Marie]

Angel: anger is OK as long as you find a productive and non-destructive way to release it.

Get some exercise, shadow box, weight training, running, whatever it is you like to do.

Get it out of your system, and you'll be fine.

You're a better man than he will ever be. Just keep that in mind.

Be well.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I have come soo far in my transition and with self acceptance. But it doesnt change how angry I am. I know that I will get over this in a few days, but its hard right now. I talked to a transwoman I know this afternoon and she was very supportive and that helpted alot. Just I don't know what else to do. Part of me wants to comfront him when he is sober and another part wants to just leave it alone. What to Do?

What to do? That's a tough one. I honestly don't know. There are times when I know that it's best for me to be quiet about stuff, but then I have to weigh the cost to my own self-respect if I do that. Sometimes I decide that I have to speak up, even though I know it maybe isn't what is best for my relationship with the outside world.

In your case, this seems like a time when you should let it ride. Even though it isn't right, I feel like people are "okay" with us until they perceive us as "making trouble". It's a little bit analogous to how mainstream culture reacts to gay people. Right now (particularly for gay men) there is a fair amount of mainstream acceptance. Gay men get to be clever and charming on television, like on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. However, when these same people ask for marriage rights people are like "whoa...hold on there buster". With us I think people will let us "have" our identities as long as we are quiet and not to pushy. If we make a stink, it seems like there's this push to put us in our place.

I guess the thing is to think about exactly what you'd say to the guy that outed you. What is there left to say to him? I guess there's everything...and nothing. From a safety perspective, my instinct is that you should let this die down. No need to fan the flames, but then I'm sure you know that. The truth is that people go with what they see. If they see a man, they'll trust their eyes even if someone tells them otherwise. The human mind is notorious for giving a lot of weight to personal experience and less to abstract information that they learn. This works in your favor! To the people you've been outed to, that information is just abstract. What's in front of their eyes is a strong, honorable man.

[Guest bronx]

Thanks everone for your advice, very much appreciated. I'm gonna just let it be, I know thatit is the right thing to do, plus I have to live here with my wife and that is another concern I have. I feel soo out of place here in TX at times, and being me is all I do have. I 'm supposed to be going to a support group for trans people today, one of the girls wants to plan a bar b que. Its funny if I were in NY it wouldn't be a big deal to me 'cause thats my town out here Im still a stranger in a forien land. I don't understand some of the people out here and adjusting is becoming hard for me. There are gangs here and a whole bunch of other stuff that I see. I have been running the last week to realse some energy and it helps.

This guy is an ***hole a times, and I dont consider him a friend, just a guy I live next to. My friends have never betrayed me like that and never will. Another reason why I dont step to him, not worth it, nothing invested for me to do so. I know who I am and that's a MAN all day, everyday. Just another test I figure and another test I will pass.

Thanks

Angel

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Thanks everone for your advice, very much appreciated. I'm gonna just let it be, I know thatit is the right thing to do, plus I have to live here with my wife and that is another concern I have. I feel soo out of place here in TX at times, and being me is all I do have. I 'm supposed to be going to a support group for trans people today, one of the girls wants to plan a bar b que. Its funny if I were in NY it wouldn't be a big deal to me 'cause thats my town out here Im still a stranger in a forien land. I don't understand some of the people out here and adjusting is becoming hard for me. There are gangs here and a whole bunch of other stuff that I see. I have been running the last week to realse some energy and it helps.

This guy is an ***hole a times, and I dont consider him a friend, just a guy I live next to. My friends have never betrayed me like that and never will. Another reason why I dont step to him, not worth it, nothing invested for me to do so. I know who I am and that's a MAN all day, everyday. Just another test I figure and another test I will pass.

Thanks

Angel

Angel, I've got to say, you are one iron clad role model. Like Evan said, you really are an inspiration. Thanks for hanging around and sharing with us! I hope we can return the favor with our wholehearted support!

[Guest angie]

I met Angel today at our mutual support group.What a nice and handsome man.

Angie

[Guest bronx]

Thanks Angie your really cool also, was telling my wife about you and I will be in touch.

Angel

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Angel,

How distressing this must have been for you. I am worried about why this became such an issue for your neighbor. Although I am relieved to hear that they do not appear to be threatening to you, I am concerned about the statement "come clean" like you had committed some crime. Obviously, I am not completely aware of you and your neighbors relationship, but I would be careful with them.

This was a terrible emotional setback. I can see that you have dealt with this with dignity and are moving on.

I am sure that the frequency of these types of incidents will drop to zero in time.

Be well.

Love

Brenda

[Guest skyy]

wow, bronx, you seem like a pretty cool dude. wish i could let things go as easily as you do. i struggle with that, not sure if its an age thing or a chick thing, maybe both. good luck with idiot neighbors. i got a friend who has got some pretty infuriating neighbors, and from hearing his rants, i can see it gets old fast.

[Guest NatalieRene]

Let it ride.

For trans,confrontation should be a no-no.It will only strenghten their resolve to out you more often.

Let your appearance and actions as a man speak for themselves.Do not sink to his level.

Plus he was drunk,said what was on his mind.Speaking his mind truthfully that only drinking gave

him the nerve to.Be the man you are,and keep it cool and be his friend.His momma knows and accepts you,he will come around to seeing the truth of who you are.You are no woman,you are a man,a good man and friend.

Hugs Dude,

Angie

I'd have to agree. If you make a big deal of it you validate it to him.

Instead take the opportunity to turn it around on him and maybe confront him about his drinking problem? It sounds like he is a decent person other then the fact that he has a alcohol problem and your problems with him are stemming from the alcohol talking.

I hope everything works out for you.

[Guest amie]

Bein' outed is something that supersucks at first, but after some time has settled is actually pretty cool. You look back thankfully at the fact that it happened. That's my experience, anyway.

[Guest angie]

Bein' outed is something that supersucks at first, but after some time has settled is actually pretty cool. You look back thankfully at the fact that it happened. That's my experience, anyway.

Yepppa,made me a tougher stronger woman for being outed like I was.And when that stupid

stupid man did so everytime I saw him,I got that much stronger,until I finally had enough,and

gave him a piece of my mind.Brought me immense relief,and solidified my presence as a take

no stuff kind of woman.And now,when I am made/clocked or outed,it phases me none in the least.

I just smile,knowing where I came from,and where I am now.(grin)

Big Hugs and good topic,

Angie

[Guest bronx]

I can understrand how being outed can and does make you stronger. I just don't like being outed by anyone. I feell as though if I choose to come out to someone it should be on my terms, just like when I started transition it has been on my terms to a large degree. But it happenend and I have moved forward.

Today the guy that outed me called me to have lunch with him this afternoon, so I went over and both of us acted as if nothing has happened, same ole conversations. He's a diffrent guy when he is sober. So like I said I havd moved on, What can I do. Now it is on my terms. And in my hands. I now have the power.

[Guest AllisonD]

This is something that happened to me many many times when I was young. I learned the hard way how to handle it.

1) Don't lie. When confronted, admit who you are

2) Don't be defensive. It is precisely the same as someone saying, "you're blonde, aren't you!?" Say it straight up, like it isn't anything to even notice, much less comment on, "Yup. Blonde. Always have been."

3) Don't be confrontational. "Wanna make something of it?" is not in your best interest.

4) Depending on who is asking, and whether this is a good day for you, and if you have the time, add an ice-breaker. "It works for me. Does it work for you?" or "My boyfriend wouldn't have me any other way."

I once was pestered by a young man who was fascinated by me for some reason and couldn't resist making rude comments within my hearing about me to his clique. After several days of putting up with it like the lady I am, I walked right up to him, threw my arms around his neck, kissed him HARD, and said, "You were really great, call me again when you want to go out." I never heard a comment out of his mouth again.

Allison

[Guest Jean Davis]

I once was pestered by a young man who was fascinated by me for some reason and couldn't resist making rude comments within my hearing about me to his clique. After several days of putting up with it like the lady I am, I walked right up to him, threw my arms around his neck, kissed him HARD, and said, "You were really great, call me again when you want to go out." I never heard a comment out of his mouth again.

I like that solution, Very creative.