Ericag Has Come Out To His Wife

[Guest RalphCD]

Hi, Erica. I just joined today but as soon as I saw your thread title I had to jump in the fray. As it turns out others have given you all the important tips (especially Elizabeth K -- those tips should be a FAQ somewhere!) but that never stops me from shooting off my mouth. Here's some perspective from 21 years of more or less happy marriage (the "less" part had nothing to do with crossdressing and everything to do with bruised egos and childhood baggage).

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. So many crossdressers I see on other forums whine endlessly that they're unhappy because the wife didn't jump for joy when they spent $2000 on a new wardrobe, or they were asked not to wear a satin gown to somebody's wedding, or the wife doesn't want to have sex while they're wearing heels and hose. I wonder if those people ever think about anybody else's needs besides their own (this is NOT a place where I'll insert the obligatory "not that there's anything wrong with that"). Remember an old adage that will serve you well whether you're a crossdresser or not: "Happy wife, happy life." You are there to be her support. As a Christian, I preach a lot about servanthood and your marriage is the first place to start. It's the strong one who is willing to back off and let the other have her way; it's the drama queen who gets upset if others don't make life convenient for you.

FIND HER LIMITS AND RESPECT THEM. In keeping with the above, understand that not every wife will be delighted to find that she got both a man and a woman for the price of one spouse. If she doesn't pack up and leave the minute she finds out, consider yourself blessed and devote yourself to making sure she never does. If she says "I'd really rather not discuss it yet" or "Please don't dress around me" -- don't push it. Do as she asks... it won't kill you to restrict your dressing to times when you are alone. It might take years for her to become more comfortable with the subject, or it might never happen... but I can guarantee that if you push her ("Are you ready to talk about it now? What about now? What about now? What about now?") you'll only drive her away.

NEVER EVER EVER LIE. About anything, related to crossdressing or not. There are no little white lies, there is only dishonesty which breeds distrust. That doesn't mean you are compelled to say things which will cause more problems - "Have I gained weight" can be met with "Do you really want to know?" A question whose answer would only cause hurt feelings and misunderstanding can be met with "I can't answer that right now, and here's why..." A question that would spoil a surprise can be handled one of two ways - "If I tell you that would spoil the surprise", or go ahead and tell her, so she'll learn not to ask questions she didn't really want to know the answer to.

NEVER EVER EVER CHEAT. Tying the previous two together - if you have agreed to certain limits, like please not dressing in public or not dressing when she's around - honor your promise even when there is no possible chance she'll ever find out.

KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS. This may be the most difficult, especially if you have only recently discovered that you are a crossdresser. For some crossdressers (like me, thankfully) just wearing something nice in the privacy of your own home once in a while keeps the urges at bay; others need to go whole hog with the fully presentable female image either at home or out in public; others actually consider themselves female and are either considering surgery or wish they could have it. Whatever their trigger is, ignoring it can lead to depression or even suicidal thoughts. She needs to know what it takes to keep you off the antidepressants - and she ESPECIALLY needs to know if you want to actually become a woman. If you knew this before you got married and you didn't tell her... well, if I were on her jury I'd say not guilty to anything she does to you. If you honestly did not know, I hope you are able to convince her of that.

Good luck, and good on ya for being honest.

[Guest EricaG]

Hi, Erica. I just joined today but as soon as I saw your thread title I had to jump in the fray. As it turns out others have given you all the important tips (especially Elizabeth K -- those tips should be a FAQ somewhere!) but that never stops me from shooting off my mouth. Here's some perspective from 21 years of more or less happy marriage (the "less" part had nothing to do with crossdressing and everything to do with bruised egos and childhood baggage).

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. So many crossdressers I see on other forums whine endlessly that they're unhappy because the wife didn't jump for joy when they spent $2000 on a new wardrobe, or they were asked not to wear a satin gown to somebody's wedding, or the wife doesn't want to have sex while they're wearing heels and hose. I wonder if those people ever think about anybody else's needs besides their own (this is NOT a place where I'll insert the obligatory "not that there's anything wrong with that"). Remember an old adage that will serve you well whether you're a crossdresser or not: "Happy wife, happy life." You are there to be her support. As a Christian, I preach a lot about servanthood and your marriage is the first place to start. It's the strong one who is willing to back off and let the other have her way; it's the drama queen who gets upset if others don't make life convenient for you.

FIND HER LIMITS AND RESPECT THEM. In keeping with the above, understand that not every wife will be delighted to find that she got both a man and a woman for the price of one spouse. If she doesn't pack up and leave the minute she finds out, consider yourself blessed and devote yourself to making sure she never does. If she says "I'd really rather not discuss it yet" or "Please don't dress around me" -- don't push it. Do as she asks... it won't kill you to restrict your dressing to times when you are alone. It might take years for her to become more comfortable with the subject, or it might never happen... but I can guarantee that if you push her ("Are you ready to talk about it now? What about now? What about now? What about now?") you'll only drive her away.

NEVER EVER EVER LIE. About anything, related to crossdressing or not. There are no little white lies, there is only dishonesty which breeds distrust. That doesn't mean you are compelled to say things which will cause more problems - "Have I gained weight" can be met with "Do you really want to know?" A question whose answer would only cause hurt feelings and misunderstanding can be met with "I can't answer that right now, and here's why..." A question that would spoil a surprise can be handled one of two ways - "If I tell you that would spoil the surprise", or go ahead and tell her, so she'll learn not to ask questions she didn't really want to know the answer to.

NEVER EVER EVER CHEAT. Tying the previous two together - if you have agreed to certain limits, like please not dressing in public or not dressing when she's around - honor your promise even when there is no possible chance she'll ever find out.

KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS. This may be the most difficult, especially if you have only recently discovered that you are a crossdresser. For some crossdressers (like me, thankfully) just wearing something nice in the privacy of your own home once in a while keeps the urges at bay; others need to go whole hog with the fully presentable female image either at home or out in public; others actually consider themselves female and are either considering surgery or wish they could have it. Whatever their trigger is, ignoring it can lead to depression or even suicidal thoughts. She needs to know what it takes to keep you off the antidepressants - and she ESPECIALLY needs to know if you want to actually become a woman. If you knew this before you got married and you didn't tell her... well, if I were on her jury I'd say not guilty to anything she does to you. If you honestly did not know, I hope you are able to convince her of that.

Good luck, and good on ya for being honest.

Hi RalphCD

Welcome to Laura’s I am very glad to have found this little spot in the universe; I have become very comfortable here and have met a great group of people. Everyone here is so supportive I just cannot tell you how much that means to me.

I want to thank you for your post very sage words indeed, it is never too often to be reminded that love and respect for your spouse is paramount. I love my wife dearly she is my friend, companion and lover. Without her, my life would be just a hollow shell. When I came out to her, it was such a weight lifted from my shoulders, no more deceit, no more purging no more skulking around. She is OK with my cross-dressing to a point and I do not know what that is yet because she asked me to give her time to work this out. Time I have plenty and so as you wrote do not push it.

I want to thank you again for your input, yours along with all the other advice gave me the courage to stop living the lie and come out to my wife, for that I have to thank everyone.

I am so happy to have met you and do hope you will stay around.

All the Best

Erica

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[Guest darlene lynn]

Erica Honey

I came out 16yrs ago to my wife so it can last.My only advice is to reasure her you love her and you dont want to leave the marriage.

My wife thought I was looking for a way out of our marriage. Once I showed her I just had to tell her my secert. She began to understand.It was about me coming out to someone I loved and respected and didnt want to hide anymore.

My wife still wont call me Darlene But Im not giving up...Before I die she'll call me Darlene!!!

Go slow ..And with time you'll make ground on all your dreams..

Love Darlene Lynnette

[Guest EricaG]

Erica Honey

I came out 16yrs ago to my wife so it can last.My only advice is to reasure her you love her and you dont want to leave the marriage.

My wife thought I was looking for a way out of our marriage. Once I showed her I just had to tell her my secert. She began to understand.It was about me coming out to someone I loved and respected and didnt want to hide anymore.

My wife still wont call me Darlene But Im not giving up...Before I die she'll call me Darlene!!!

Now that is perservence, I do hope you get your wish.

Go slow ..And with time you'll make ground on all your dreams..

Love Darlene Lynnette

Hi there Darlene Lynnette,

I am so glad you posted, I love meeting new people and getting all this wonderful feedback, Let me tell you it was not easy to come out to my bride but after joining this most wonderful group of people and reading the posts and getting advice it gave me the courage to finally do it. I am so glad I did for so many reasons. I love my wife very much and would be devastated if she ever left me. I am taking it very slow because she is still working it out in her head. I like you have made it abundantly clear that the last thing in the world that I want is to lose her. Things are so much more comfortable in my head knowing that I do not need to sneak around behind her back. I want to thank you again for your sage advice and I am sure that we will talk again soon.

Love & Kisses

Erica

PS Could you guess that I love lavander

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

This is from an essay of mine called Of S.O.'s, curve b.alls and space time(the word cops went to town on the word B.alls and it came out as curve testicles rofl)

As I mentioned in the last part of my story, my partner was not happy about my transgender status or the journey I found myself on. I did resolve to give her all the time and space she wanted, and thought she needed to get used to this turn of events. On one message service for transsexuals that I frequent I complained about how she was behaving only to be told that she is now going through the pain that I have had forty plus years to figure out how best to deal with. Not only that but it turns the entire relationship on its head, and makes a total mess of all promises made in the wedding vows. Chances are that you will face any or all of these statements “I’m not lesbo (lesbian)”, “I want a divorce”, “You’re being selfish, this is all about you”. There are several thousand others which you might face, all of which will hurt and many will feel like cold steel slicing your heart and soul.

If your partner doesn’t immediately chuck you out the door or leave herself you might decide to offer to move into a spare room or onto the couch so that she at least has some privacy and space to start figuring things out. I sleep on a wonderful airbed in the spare room; it has allowed us to figure things out without being in each other’s face all of the time. In many ways, despite the rhetoric, my partner has always been partially supportive. She has always been willing to go with me to buy clothing and things, however for the longest time she didn’t want to see me dressed. However she was with me when I was told that I had to do RLE before hormones, since then she has been wonderful about accepting my dress code and is (90% of the time) using my proper name and the right pronouns. Now as girlfriends it is really fun going shopping with her, she has a good sense of color and coordination, and that plays well with the one I have so we both get clothes which not only look good on us but also look good when we are out together.

Our relationship is slowly changing and improving, I don’t know if the marriage can be saved but we are no longer enemies (well on opposite ends of a family feud). There seems to be something else developing but I’m going to keep that one close to the chest since I don’t know if it will actually happen and don’t want to jinx the process by jumping the gun. Most gender female partners and spouses don’t initially handle this scenario well for reasons I will get into later.

OK that deals with S.O.’s and curve testicles but how the heck does space time find its way into this discussion. More appropriately it should be space and time once you come out to people they have four choices:

• Accept you, your condition and the changes that will be happening

• Tell you that you are an abomination before God and to get out of their life and not come back (this reaction may be quite rare)

• Initially react with anger, hurt and pain but not immediately toss you out on your head

• Tell you to get out of the house or to leave themselves (unfortunately this reaction is all too common)

If you have one of those angels who accepts you and your changes and still wants to be with you, my friend you have indeed found a rare woman. I would advise that you do all you can to maintain and build this relationship since she will be most valuable to you when the insanity of HRT begins and emotionally you don’t know which way is up.

In many ways the second reaction is really the forth one with the addition of religion. There is little you can do to fight it so if either of the two happens to you, my deepest sympathies, but it is time to start trying to figure out where you are going to camp for the coming nights.

The more common reaction that of anger, hurt and pain gives you many more options since there is room for you to try and find ways of accommodating your need to be a woman and at the same time to be working on the new parameters of the relationship. Here is where the space time (space and time) comes in since you partner is going to need lots of both to figure out how she is going to deal with the new you. For me it has taken the better part of three months for my partner to get to the place she is. There is still work for both of us to do but at least I don’t feel quite so much like a pariah.

Sister you are in this for the long haul, or at least I hope you are, you have plenty of space and time to allow others to seek their own peace with what you are doing. Society doesn’t want to understand us, and may just wish we would shrivel up and blow away. However that is not going to happen, keep your head up and know that you are doing what needs to be done to feel complete.

[Guest EricaG]

Joanna,

I am so glad that you wrote this post to me, you have put a very personal and different perspective on not only your plight but also what I might I might encounter. I have been very fortunate in some respects as compared to what you encountered when you came out to your SO, my spouse’s initial reaction was shock and disbelief, which I found somewhat incredulous, considered that in our 27 year relationship there had been incidents that blatantly pointed out my cross-dressing tendencies. I think that I probably took too much for granted and much of it she does not remember because of alcohol related incidents. As we talked and I tried to assure her that I just have the feminine side that needed expression she regained her composure and told me that she needed some time to get used to the idea. Things have gone smooth enough but she has not brought up the subject again. It has been such a relief not to have to sneak around but I do not flaunt my dressing in front of her. I love my wife and would be devastated if I lost her. I do feel that she is one of those angels and has put up with a lot in 27 years but I do not know if she will ever get to the point where she will help me shop, in that respect you’re a lucky gal. It has not been very long since I came out to her, less than a month so I am not at all discouraged. I have had these feelings since me was 12 I know that they are never going away. I want to thank you again for your wonderful post and believe me I take all advice given to me very seriously.

You are a peach.

Hugs & Kisses

Erica

[Guest Rebecca Quentin]

Just an idea. I might have missed it on the website, if so please ignore this message. However, would a link to TG/TS/CD resources available on the net be a good idea? That way anyone wanting to read up on the documentation about gender issues would have the best resources all gathered under one link.