I Had The "coming Out" Talk With My Wife

[Carolyn Marie]

Last night, I finally had "the talk" with my wife. It went better than I had any reason to expect.

We both stayed calm, and she allowed me to start at the beginning and work my way to

the present. I told her about the years of crossdressing, the years when Carolyn was

"asleep" and the months since her reawakening.

I told her in general terms about Laura's, how I;ve made friends here, how its helped me.

I talked about seeing my G.T. and how much that has helped me. I told her I was not sure

what the future holds, but that I loved her and wanted her by my side as I traveled this road.

She is in shock, I think. There may be a reaction tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure.

I don't feel particularly relieved. I'm still nervous as hell, waiting to see if the other shoe

will fall. She asked me several times if I'm gay, and if there is someone else. I don't think

she is convinced by my reassurances.

She didn't like hearing that I had a wig, and that I will probably want to go outside the house

en femme at some point. But I didn't bring up transition. I just said I didn't know for sure what

the future holds.

She is concerned about the money for the therapist, but seems to accept that I find it necessary.

She doesn't plan to kick me out she says, at least not right now. She needs time to process all this,

which I understand completely. I'm not pressing her on anything. She knows I have women's

clothes hidden somewhere, but hasn't asked about it in detail.

I'm just relieved that she didn't flip out on me. There was no shouting, no cries of "you lied to

me" no drama. I had expected some of that and had prepared myself mentally for it, but was

surprised.

One thing that does concern me is that she now seems unsure if my 16 year old son is

transgendered, based only on such things as is long hair, fondness for skinny jeans, and lack

of a girlfriend at present. I told her none of that made him trans, but I don't think she is convinced.

I pray that my issues don't spill over to him.

OMG, I just feel really terrible about putting this burden on her. I am very sad right now.

I know there are more hard times ahead. I hope I'm strong enough to get through it.

I thought I would feel more sense of relief, but I don't. I feel like cr*p. At least its over

for now.

Right now I'm emotionally exhausted, completely drained. I need a good cry, but the tears won't come.

Thanks for your support and understanding.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

It's one of the hardest things that we will do in our life time....For those of us who do it....

I remember that I wasn't as scared when I was in Vietnam and worried about getting my butt shot off....

But that Saturday when I sat down to have The "coming Out" Talk With My Wife...I thought that I was going to pass out with fright...I was light headed, shaky, heart a pounding....It was awful....

But, there are some things in life that we just must do!

I know that you're feeling pretty bad right now Sweetheart....

I will get better with time.....and then, hopefully, you'll have the support that you will need....

Remember....right now is her time for digesting all of this...give her space, be loving, and if you are religious....pray.

You know that I'm wishing you the very best on this, Girlfriend....

It's not easy....if it was...everyone would of done it by now....

I'm proud of you for having the courage.....

I love you...

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Last night, I finally had "the talk" with my wife. It went better than I had any reason to expect.

We both stayed calm, and she allowed me to start at the beginning and work my way to

the present. I told her about the years of crossdressing, the years when Carolyn was

"asleep" and the months since her reawakening.

I told her in general terms about Laura's, how I;ve made friends here, how its helped me.

I talked about seeing my G.T. and how much that has helped me. I told her I was not sure

what the future holds, but that I loved her and wanted her by my side as I traveled this road.

She is in shock, I think. There may be a reaction tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure.

I don't feel particularly relieved. I'm still nervous as hell, waiting to see if the other shoe

will fall. She asked me several times if I'm gay, and if there is someone else. I don't think

she is convinced by my reassurances.

She didn't like hearing that I had a wig, and that I will probably want to go outside the house

en femme at some point. But I didn't bring up transition. I just said I didn't know for sure what

the future holds.

She is concerned about the money for the therapist, but seems to accept that I find it necessary.

She doesn't plan to kick me out she says, at least not right now. She needs time to process all this,

which I understand completely. I'm not pressing her on anything. She knows I have women's

clothes hidden somewhere, but hasn't asked about it in detail.

I'm just relieved that she didn't flip out on me. There was no shouting, no cries of "you lied to

me" no drama. I had expected some of that and had prepared myself mentally for it, but was

surprised.

One thing that does concern me is that she now seems unsure if my 16 year old son is

transgendered, based only on such things as is long hair, fondness for skinny jeans, and lack

of a girlfriend at present. I told her none of that made him trans, but I don't think she is convinced.

I pray that my issues don't spill over to him.

OMG, I just feel really terrible about putting this burden on her. I am very sad right now.

I know there are more hard times ahead. I hope I'm strong enough to get through it.

I thought I would feel more sense of relief, but I don't. I feel like cr*p. At least its over

for now.

Right now I'm emotionally exhausted, completely drained. I need a good cry, but the tears won't come.

Thanks for your support and understanding.

Carolyn Marie

Carolyn Sis, now it does become a waiting game. She knows about you and the road ahead, it is now up to you to be there to reassure her as best you can, to give her all the space and time she needs to process this news (don't hold your breath it can take months); it took mine 5 months to get to the point that the tension in this house has eased to the point that we can continue normally and that we are now planning the future together. If giving her space and time means sleeping in the spare bedroom offer to do so.  Most of the time this is the phase that must be played by ear because there are too many variables to solve the equation in any kind of universal way.

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Carolyn

your welcome to cry on my shoulder if you need it, after all you just had the most stressful talk I think a person can have with their partner. I'm so glad there was no drama and there may be none in the future. It all depends on how much your wife loves you. Just be there for her and be a strong as you can. As to your son I too hope that your issues have not carried over to him, but for now all you can do is be the best parent you can be to him and let him know he can talk to you about anything and you will love him unconditionally. If he does have issues you know how to help him you do it here for those of us that need your support. Just be there for you family and don't be sad, after all you've made that big step towards being the lady you know you are.

Love and hugs

Charlene Leona

[Paula ult]

Congrats Carolyn, only those that have come out to friends, family and SO's can truly know what a tough job is is to do, the good thing is as time goes on it gets easier, if you have read my baby step topic you will know taking things slow worked for me. For awhile i would let her lead the way, asking questions and such, it probably is not a good idea to dress and show her how you look unless she asks you to do so.

Your wife is now transitioning too and thus needs to be included in any decisions you make, this assumes she decides to stand by you and not kick you to the curb. I have talked to several SO's and they are having a rough time cause they feel excluded.

A good book that explains all this is True Selves, i gave it to my stepfather to read after i came out to him and it really helped him.

HUGS!

Paula

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Carolyn,

You took a very big and important step as you know. Your family now has been informed about the most important aspect of your identity. Your wife seems to be taking it in rather well. My ex asked me when I came out to her not to tell my son because she was afraid of me damaging his identity. This seems to be a typical reaction of those with male children. My son, who is 21 years old, I felt that he should know regardless of my ex's concerns's. Eventhough I came out to my son last, I came out to him noneheless. My son is fine. Your son will be too.

Your family is now at a very new place. A new beginning. May I suggest that you allow them time to absorb it all. Simply be there for them as they begin to ask questions (oh yes, the questions will follow over the next few weeks).

You are a strong and courageous woman and have been their for your family. They may be in some shock right now, but I can tell that they love you. That love for you, I am sure will remain strong. You may get some resistance later on when there is this attempt to make you feel that it is all in your miond and you are not really transgendered (I have had this said to me more than once and I expect that it will continue for a while).

There's a couple of links that your wife may want to look at when she feel up to it.

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TS.html

http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf

I am sure that you feel a little nervous now and things might be a little dicey around your household. That will pass. I promise

Love you Carolyn.

Who you are cannot ever be denied anymore. Carolyn is out!!!

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Carolyn - bravely done. We are here for whatever may come now.

May your journey be successful...

Lizzy

[Guest Eth]

I'm glad things seem to be working out for you. WAY TO GO on coming out to your wife! I hope everything works out for you and your wife

[Guest AllisonD]

Carolyn

In a way, you show more courage than I can imagine. On the other hand, I know you had no choice. You do seem to have managed it extraodinarily well, and she seems to have taken it better than can be expected, so congratulations.

I am repeatedly impressed with the strength of character our members exhibit when they finally come to terms with feelings that they have buried for decades, and then have to share them with spouses that are taken completely by surprise and have to wonder just who they have committed their lives to. I cannot concieve of a stronger test of character.

Or of courage.

Well done, you.

Allison

[Guest Jean Davis]

One thing that does concern me is that she now seems unsure if my 16 year old son is

transgendered, based only on such things as is long hair, fondness for skinny jeans, and lack

of a girlfriend at present. I told her none of that made him trans, but I don't think she is convinced.

I pray that my issues don't spill over to him.

Dear Carolyn

I'm sorry I don't have anything to say that would make you feel better. I would like to say that I wish that you wouldn't have to go through this terrible experience, but I can't even say that. For if you eliminate the bad you must also eliminate the good. I know that the good times that you had with your wife and son are very precious to you and unfortunately your going to have deal with the bad in hopes that the good will return. Please don't take this the wrong way but I was never able to get that close to anyone, the uncomfortable feeling I felt always drove me away from any relationship I tried. So I never felt the love that you share with your wife and child. Only the dissapointment that I'll never be able to give my mother a grandchild I know that she wants. Personally I see you as being quite blessed that God has granted you that happiness.

I'm so SORRY! I shouldn't be dumping on you like this, this is my problem and I'll get over it just fine.

As for your quote above, If your son is confused about his gender don't think in any way that it is your fault. This is a random occurence and in no way has anything to do with you or your wife. Out of my entire family, I am the only one that I know of that has this. Just be happy that you're there to offer the love and support you can and to see him grow to be the fine adult I know he will become. I know this because he has you as a parent.

God Bless

Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you, my sisters, for your kind words and support. They mean more to mean than you can

imagine.

I don't see myself as courageous, I just needed to end the deception and be honest with the person I share

my life with. I feel I had no choice in the matter, but that doesn't make it any easier.

At least now, when I'm here, I can tell my wife that I am doing what I love to do, with people that I care

about and who care about me. I can only hope she will come to understand. Eventually, I hope that

she will see the woman in me and appreciate her qualities, and come to love Carolyn as much as she

loves the man she married 19 years ago.

It is a strange life we lead. I could not have imagined all of this 9 months ago when Carolyn came back

into my life. But I love being Carolyn and would not now give her up for anything. She is me, and I am

her, and someday we will truly be the same, I am certain of it.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Robin Winter]

I'm in a similar boat myself. I've just come out to my wife in the past couple months. She's being supportive, but between her struggling with her own identity now, and me with my communication issues, it's going to take time to see where everything stands. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about it, I just wish I could communicate my feelings better. So a piece of advice, my wife is constantly concerned about how this will change my feelings for her, whether or not I'll want to go out and experience my new life to it's fullest, meaning without her, so it's possible your wife might feel the same, so communication is ridiculously important at this stage. Let her know how much you love her, every chance you get, and I'll do my best to do the same

[Guest mia 1]

'Carolyn Marie' date='Sep 27 2009, 03:20 PM' post='112867']

It is a strange life we lead. I could not have imagined all of this 9 months ago when Carolyn came back

into my life. But I love being Carolyn and would not now give her up for anything. She is me, and I am

her, and someday we will truly be the same, I am certain of it.

Carolyn Marie

You couldn't give her up if you wanted to. But now your wife knows who you are, both Carolyn and (Jethro) Clammpet that is.. Now you won't feel obsessed to be only Carolyn you can let the guy who you have been for the majority of your life, also breath and feel the sunlight, remember he is important to your being also..you can change but you can never forget,,take him fishing, watch the Dodgers, scratch and then let Carolyn show up and be warm, sensitive and loving....

You can do both, and don't think your wife won't appreciate both of you,,,,She will. I've been out a lot longer than most...and I've seen my wife recognize my sensitive womanly manners and appreciate the feedback she gets,,so she is much more secure than ever..As far as shopping at Victoria's Secret together for my things..we "ain't" gone that far YET!!

[Guest rachael1]

At least now, when I'm here, I can tell my wife that I am doing what I love to do, with people that I care

about and who care about me. I can only hope she will come to understand. Eventually, I hope that

she will see the woman in me and appreciate her qualities, and come to love Carolyn as much as she

loves the man she married 19 years ago.

Carolyn Marie

Hi Carolyn,

It is wonderful that you have finally come out to your wife as you can now move forward. No doubt you and your wife will have a lot of things to talk about and she will need some time to adjust to the news but hopefully you can salvage your relationship. My fingers are crossed for you.

On a side issue I doubt your son is transgendered as I don't think this is contagious but you never know. Maybe we can go and infect the rest of the world.

Love

Rachael

[Guest Kayliegh]

Carolyn -

Isn't it great to have such wonderful friends!

You know I'm here for you, girlfriend!

And I'm so proud of you - it's another big step in your journey to finally be who you should be!

God bless – you’re in my prayers - Kayleigh

[Sally]

Carolyn,

You took one of the hardest steps in your transition.

Now the waiting and Joanna was right about it taking time - several months to really resolve.

It does not work out the same for everyone you have such complete successes as Donna Jean and the incredible Lady Darcy, you have up and down relationships like Lizzy and SM - mostly pretty solid but it has its moments and then you have the total failures like mine and as the saying goes, "only time will tell".

I hope that she will be another Lady Darcy you are such a kind and caring person that I would hate to see you alone.

Tell her about how rare Transgenderism really is and that the odds are against your son being trans as well - it isn't impossible but less probable than she thinks.

Wishing you all of the best.

You know that I will always be here for you no matter how it turns out.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Well, it's been four days, and I have an update. It is, I am glad to say, some positive news.

Very very little had been said between my wife and I following our talk Saturday night. Nothing had

really changed. I was somewhat frustrated and felt like we were in a stalemate of sorts. I was

reluctant to say anything more, and I didn't know what, if anything she was thinking. I had prepared

myself for any variety of negative reactions. I hadn't considered the possibility of NO reaction. My

wife said no to my offers to provide information, reading material, etc. She hadn't expressed any

interest in seeing what I do here or what the site even looked like, although I have been on it

often enough since Saturday.

My G.T. said to be patient. There was no sense in pushing her further right now. That was

yesterday afternoon.

I got home from my appointment, and my wife said she wanted to talk! So we did. She aksed

more questions about me, about transgenderism, about my history. Goood, honest, heartfelt

questions. She is still confused, upset, concerned about our future. All issues I understand

and appreciate and sympathize with. We talked calmly and I was as honest as I know how to

be.

She said that come this weekend, when my son is away from home, she would like to read some

of the resource information on LP. She wants to understand! She wants to know more

and be with me through this.

Oh my... I was, and am, so relieved and thankful I have such a wonderful wife! OMG, so

many spouses would have turned their back or walked out after hearing what I told her.

But she is still with me, still wants to help and understand my needs.

Even better yet, I told her about the therapy group of transwomen that my G.T. has,

and my therapist's suggestion that I meet them and see if I might like the group and might

benefit from talking with them. Since the group meets in the evenings, I needed to tell my

wife and wanted her permission to go.

And she said I could!!

When things seemed so bleak a couple of days ago, this progress is an absolute wonder.

I know it doesn't mean that everything is just peachy. There will be many obstacles to

overcome and difficult times ahead. But this is much much better than anything I had a

right to expect. I am blessed to have such a wonderful spouse.

You can be sure I wil find ways to show her how I feel in the coming days and weeks.

Stay tuned to this channel for the next episode of "As Carolyn's World Turns."

Carolyn Marie

[Guest EricaG]

Oh Carolyn

I could not be happier for you, I am so happy I could cry (in fact I am) that is the most wonderful news anyone could ever expect. True love will always prevail and there obviously is that in your home. This is one giant step in your relationship that is so positive it is hard to imagine. You certainly have a wonderful and understanding wife, kinda makes your day doesn’t it.

Hugs & Kisses

Erica

[Guest Michale]

Last night, I finally had "the talk" with my wife. It went better than I had any reason to expect.

We both stayed calm, and she allowed me to start at the beginning and work my way to

the present. I told her about the years of crossdressing, the years when Carolyn was

"asleep" and the months since her reawakening.

I told her in general terms about Laura's, how I;ve made friends here, how its helped me.

I talked about seeing my G.T. and how much that has helped me. I told her I was not sure

what the future holds, but that I loved her and wanted her by my side as I traveled this road.

She is in shock, I think. There may be a reaction tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure.

I don't feel particularly relieved. I'm still nervous as hell, waiting to see if the other shoe

will fall. She asked me several times if I'm gay, and if there is someone else. I don't think

she is convinced by my reassurances.

She didn't like hearing that I had a wig, and that I will probably want to go outside the house

en femme at some point. But I didn't bring up transition. I just said I didn't know for sure what

the future holds.

She is concerned about the money for the therapist, but seems to accept that I find it necessary.

She doesn't plan to kick me out she says, at least not right now. She needs time to process all this,

which I understand completely. I'm not pressing her on anything. She knows I have women's

clothes hidden somewhere, but hasn't asked about it in detail.

I'm just relieved that she didn't flip out on me. There was no shouting, no cries of "you lied to

me" no drama. I had expected some of that and had prepared myself mentally for it, but was

surprised.

One thing that does concern me is that she now seems unsure if my 16 year old son is

transgendered, based only on such things as is long hair, fondness for skinny jeans, and lack

of a girlfriend at present. I told her none of that made him trans, but I don't think she is convinced.

I pray that my issues don't spill over to him.

OMG, I just feel really terrible about putting this burden on her. I am very sad right now.

I know there are more hard times ahead. I hope I'm strong enough to get through it.

I thought I would feel more sense of relief, but I don't. I feel like cr*p. At least its over

for now.

Right now I'm emotionally exhausted, completely drained. I need a good cry, but the tears won't come.

Thanks for your support and understanding.

Carolyn Marie

Carolyn Marie

I hope everything works out for you. I have a similiar situation since I too just informed my wife; furthermore, I had concerns regarding my son's GI. Unfortunately, he took his life last year (20 years old). There are worse things than being TG. Take care and talk to them both (let your son know you love him and you there for him).

Michale

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Carolyn Marie! This is quite a milestone! In terms of coming out experiences, it sounds like this one went reasonably well. I obviously can't comment on how things will turn out in the long-term, but I really think it is a good sign that your wife is starting to ask questions and seek information. This is a good thing!

I bet you feel like a burden has been lifted. It's really tough when we have something big in our lives that we haven't shared with loved ones.

Keep us posted!