Are You Ready

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Are you ready?

© 2009

Joanna M. Phipps

GID is the diagnosis, now on that long road you step. Did they tell you of the problems you might face, the things you risk when you step out on this road? In case they didn't here is some advice from one who well remembers what happened when she told her wife and others about her condition and what others have experienced when they did the same thing.

There comes a time, sometime post diagnosis, when you just have to tell others about your condition and what the road ahead means for you and for them. No matter how long you have known someone, how solid the relationship might seem, how strong the marriage or how long you have been on the job you risk it all when you come out with your diagnosis. There is no predicting just how someone, including employers, will react.

In the case of partners and wives there are some common reactions; things like:

• I am not a lesbian (or lesbo as my SO put it). No they aren't and nobody is asking that they change sexuality; however this is a perception that many seem to have.
  

• The last xx years have been a lie. Well the one who did the lying was you but not to them, to yourself, as you tried to live for many years in the wrong gender doing what was expected of that gender.
  

• I want a divorce. This is probably the most common one I have heard my brothers and sisters list. In many cases it seems to be some form of knee jerk reaction that with time and space can be taken off the table.
  

Each of these will feel like a cold steel dagger twisted in your heart when you hear them. No matter what you are going through, to understand them you have to look at this from your partner's point of view. You have had who knows how many years to try and accommodate this condition, but suddenly you come home from your counseling appointment and drop the most earth shattering news on her. This is one revelation that will rock a marriage to its core, and very few will survive it. After all a marriage is (in many states) defined as between a man and a woman, with either of you in transition it will soon not be that and you MIGHT be forced into divorce by the court.

As one sister told me months ago, when you begin transition you also become the ultimate other woman, you have taken your wife's man and he isn't coming back. This triggers a fight reaction in her, which she soon realizes is futile because this other woman WAS her husband. Some women can assimilate that and move past it others seem to get stuck on it. Either way it is time for you to back off; make the subject taboo for you to bring up, but be ready to answer questions if she asks them. I can guarantee that she will need many things to help her cope:

• the counsel and support of a trusted girlfriend or several,
  
• lots of time to assimilate and process what has happened,
  
• lots of private space to be alone in so that she can think without being distracted by YOU
  

Right now you may be saying, 'OK but we sleep together; how am I to give her that space?' The answer is a bit painful for you, if you have a spare room offer to move into it and let her have the master suite, or maybe offer to move onto the couch for the time being for the same reason. If you give her choices she is more likely to be able to come to an accommodation of your disorder than if she is told 'This is my condition, this is what will happen, take it or leave it.' Most women given that kind of choice will take the last option and either leave themselves or order you out.

This now becomes an exercise in accommodation, if you can show her that you still love her enough to accommodate her, how she feels and what she needs that MAY give her enough mental and emotional room to eventually accommodate you and your needs. As any of us who have made it that far can tell you the next step is not measured in days or weeks but in months and sometimes years. Just by way of example, I came out to my wife back in, I think April, and it took her until September to really come to an acceptance of it and now we are trying to figure out how the marriage is going to look when it is between two women. Currently I am asexual, but to those outside it looks like a lesbian relationship, something that really doesn't bother either of us. Nearly everything you go through with your spouse will happen with other friends and family members you may well lose many of them, those who stay with you through this will have the wonderful opportunity to see you blossom from an unhappy man to a loving, open, happy and content woman.

Coming out at work can be a real minefield, if you work for a small business my suggestion is that you start asking general questions of the management and ownership as to how they feel about transgendered people and whether they would mind if they had one on staff who needed to transition at work. Be ready with some form of cover story, I would not recommend that you drop the bombshell on them and show up at work one day with a letter from your therapist that states you are gender dysphoric and need to transition. I briefed my manager, in general terms, long before I was ready to transition at work. When that day finally came I was able to sit down with the owner and explain to him what my condition was and what had to happen. I showed him my carry letter and he simply said as long as it doesn't affect your work and you stay within dress code (we have uniforms so that was a nonissue) there isn't a problem.

If you work for one of the larger corporations, check with your HR department and see what the company policy is in the line of anti-discrimination policies and affirmative action policies. You may find that you are covered under sexual expression or sexual preference (Colorado lists gender identity under sexual preference). Once you are ready to come out at work having the assistance of your HR department can be invaluable since they can brief management and the other staff on what is expected.

In either case make sure that you find out what bathroom is acceptable for you to use. You might think that this is easy, you present female so it's the women's. Not so fast, if you were post op then yes it would be open and shut but for pre-ops (especially if you have to change at work) it might not be so easy and HR might ask you to hold off while they make suitable arrangements. Either way I wouldn't get too stubborn and argumentative with them. They have a job to do as well as company policy, state and federal law to work under; it might take them a bit of time to get things set up.

THERE ARE STILL AREAS WHERE YOU CAN BE FIRED SIMPLY FOR BEING TRANSGENDER MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOUR STATE LAW AND COMPANY POLICY BEFORE ASKING HR. MOST COMPANIES LIST THEIR POLICY ON THE WEBSITE.

Given the hassles of coming out and transitioning at work why not just stay male on the job and female everywhere else? Many of us try this but every day we do it the lie gets worse and the dysphoria worse. Sooner or later we have to quit the double life and fully become who we are supposed to be. I made it two months before the double life became way too much for me.

Remember that transition isn't a foot race; it won't be over in a day, a month or a season. This is a condition whose management is measured in years; all steps are guided by the HBISOC V6 (Harry Benjamin Institute Standards of Care) usually abbreviated as the SOC V6. This document states that it is a period of either 3 months psychotherapy or real life experience before hormone therapy can begin and a minimum of one year of HRT and RLE before the letters can be issued for surgery. Many of us do get to the point of wanting it all and wanting it now, but this is not the way I found things work best, slow down, and get used to the idea that things have to happen in a certain order.

Best of luck on your journey