Telling Your Kids

[Guest LouisaB]

Having recently told my wife about how I am really a girl inside, she has had a look online to try to understand things a bit more, She has however asked me to find out more about how to go about telling our kids. Can anyone give me some weblinks as I haven't been able to find much information on this either.

I will say that this is really going to be tough as 'protecting' my kids is paramount, but equally they will have to know somewhen.

thank you for any help

luv

Louisa

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Louisa hon,

I have come out to my kids, but my kids are actually adults now. So my dynamics of my coming out are probably different than yours. Are your kids young, or teenagers, or young adults? Their age range influences how and when you would come out. It sounds like your wife is supportive and that is goot to hear.

In my case, I told them eache individually (this is because they all live in different states). I told my eldest daughter first when I visited her. I told my youngest daughter second when I had visitation with her. Lastly, I told my son, when I went to visit him.

I am divorced, not because of coming out. My coming out to my ex-wife and kids happened after my divorce. I came out to each one of them individually.

I don't know if this was of any help to you, but that is how my coming out went.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

PFLAG

See if that helps

Ditzy

[Guest Robin Winter]

I'm kinda facing the same thing. I don't anticipate any problems with my daughter, as she's still only 2 and she'll be raised accordingly (hopefully). But my stepson is going to be 18 this year, and I'm terrified. My wife doesn't think he'll have an issue with it...but I don't know. I hope she's right. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell him, so I can empathize.

[Guest LouisaB]

Thank you for the replies

Brenda - my kids are 7 and 10, difficult ages to tell, but I'm told it's better the younger they hear, However my wife has already said she doesn't want anyone ( teachers/parents or pupils) at my kids' schools to know to protect them. I can't see how that is going to work in practice unless I live a dual life. I think this is going to be very tough, and will probably not just be mentioned until it is unavoidable.

Elizabeth - thanks for the PFLAG info

Shilo - I am also terrified, Good luck for when you tell your stepson.

hugs

Louisa

[Guest CharlieRose]

7 & 10? I wouldn't be terrified. I came out to my siblings when they were slightly older than that. It is completely easier the younger they are. It was no big deal for the youngest. She had completely switched over to my new name and pronouns within hours and has never made a mistake. (I think it helped that I was already dressing male at that point; she already had a sense that I was her brother and would make interesting comments to that effect, but because of her age couldn't figure out how to express it. Perhaps you could gradually start wearing female clothes, then when you come out it will make more sense to them.)

My other sister had trouble with it, but as time went on and I was able to explain how I was feeling and what transgenderism really is she understood it more, though she described it as "trippy." She also had a sense that I was not a girl before I transitioned, but the concept that I was really a boy never occurred to her like it did my youngest sister. So when I told her that a few years before when I was still trying to be female and feminine, that was all acting, I was a boy inside then and have been my entire life, she had a sort of "OH!" moment of realization.

Now they're both completely fine with it. Children don't have prejudices, and this isn't as mindblowing/traumatizing as adults think. They are perfectly capable of understanding it; look at how this girl "deals with it":

If children can understand it in themselves they can understand it in others.

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Louisa,

"Tell them now not tomorrow-this will save a lot of sorrow!"

It's best this news come from people they love than from gossip of strangers...

When I told my children the oldest was 15 the youngest was 7...The gender therapist I was seeing had spoken with a child psychologist friend on my behalf to see what the best approach was...And her answer was it's best to tell them now before they hear it from a stranger who will more likely distort the truth...

However my case was different to yours - I was already 'seperated' and lived in a different suburb from my ex and children...

Good Luck Remember "It's better out than in!"

Metta Jendar

[Guest Victoriaf]

When I can out to my kids i sat down with my wife and we talked to them. I told them about me and explained what that ment and then started answering alot of questions. Kids main concern is whether or not their parents are staying together. I was very impressed with how well they took it. The important thing to remimber is to be honest and upfront with them and you will be amazed with how well they take the news. My daughters first question was "Does this mean that you are a lesbian, which opened up alot of other questions when i told her i was Bi Sexual. and My sons was "so i am the only boy in the house", at which point I reminded him that Victoria is just as toughas James is.

Hope that helps

Huggs

Victoria

[Guest LouisaB]

Thank you all for your comments

I think this is going to be a wait and see for now. I only 'outed' myself very recently and so the situation is new and still evolving. My wife's long term acceptance is still not a given, and separation now seems inevitable. I am more looking at maintaining reasonable relations with my wife and kids (which at present looks 'achievable') now rather than keeping my marriage together- however 'baby steps' seems to be the key here, as I do not know how far things will go with my 'change', and if so what the timescale is going to be.

It does seem from all your experiences that kids can cope well particularly if they are younger. I'm not sure my wife will want to take that risk though. It is so easy to just keep these secrets just because there is 'no reason to tell'. God, my whole family are the world champions for keeping secrets: so many secrets have come out in the past 15 years it almost reads like an episode of Dynasty!!!!!

Let me just say how happy I am for you all for the generally positive experiences you have had telling your kids

hugs

Louisa

[Guest Robin Winter]

Thank you for the replies

Brenda - my kids are 7 and 10, difficult ages to tell, but I'm told it's better the younger they hear, However my wife has already said she doesn't want anyone ( teachers/parents or pupils) at my kids' schools to know to protect them. I can't see how that is going to work in practice unless I live a dual life. I think this is going to be very tough, and will probably not just be mentioned until it is unavoidable.

Elizabeth - thanks for the PFLAG info

Shilo - I am also terrified, Good luck for when you tell your stepson.

hugs

Louisa

*Hugs*

[Guest Kayliegh]

Hi, Louisa-

I’m not there yet, but I’ve been feeling more comfortable with telling my SO and my kids (12 and 17) as I’ve been working through things with my GT.

It is ultimately, unavoidable and while I somewhat agree with Jendar, I think you need to think things through with the help of a knowledgeable professional.

“Baby steps” – that’s what my sisters here at Laura’s have always said, “baby steps.”

Hugs! - Kayleigh