I Can Feel It All Coming Back...

[Guest Nigh]

Well, autumn and winter are just around the bend and I can feel it all coming back- the severe restricting, starving myself into nothingness, fasting for days, even weeks on end (I once went 28 days- almost and entire month- during my peak- I only stopped because I thought I was having a heart attack). I don't know why, but the "holidays" always seem to trigger me, I guess they just feel like hunger to me, I'm not sure though. It's just, I thought I'd be done with this by this time in my life, I thought I'd have my eating disorder fixed. I'm nineteen now, It's been SEVEN years since this all began. The last few months have been good for me. I felt like I was finally recovering and I had began transitioning and taking hormones, but then this happens. I don't think I'm strong enough to stop this either; these months are my biggest triggers and I don't know how can I possibly avoid them? Really, how? I can avoid every other trigger- some places, a couple movies, two or three people, there's even a certain song, a strange haunting melody, that I used to listen to over and over again while exercising and fasting- I can avoid those things, but how can I keep away from entire seasons? I can't just fly south for the winter.

I was on one of my old haunts earlier today, a proanamia forum, and saw a post from a young girl who was looking for tips and tricks on how to lose weight like us anorexics. The people there told her off, but it still saddens me to hear that someone actually wants anorexia/bulimia/whatever for the simple sake of vanity. This is NOT something you live with, this is something you die of.

Let me put this into perspective. I think, sort of, that I might actually be able to fully transition, that I might actually live as my true self one day. But I don't think that I can beat this. I think this is going to kill me. Hell, I know it, I've known it for a while. And although I understand it and can comprehend my situation I am utterly powerless to stop it, to save myself- sometimes I don't even want to. I can't do this much longer. I just can't do this. My darkest hour is slowly become my darkest decade. I even laugh about it every now and again; it's funny, it really is. My friends think I'm a drug addict because, well, I look like one- my skin is pale and fragile, my hair is greasy and charcoal black, my fingernails are splitting, my lips are cracked, and my eyes are sunken and have deep crimson and black bags under them. I'm pathetic and I don't think I'm going to make it to my twenty-first birthday. My body will surely give out by then- and you know what? I won't mind. I'll probably even be laughing as I go. It's a joke, it's all such a big joke.

I want to get better though, I really do. Everyday I try, but when I fail, and I always fail, I say, I say to myself, "things will be better tomorrow," but then tomorrow comes and nothing happens; it's just the same old thing repeated over and over like that song of mine. God, isn't it bad enough that I'm a transsexual? Why do I have to have an ED too? Wasn't it enough to put me in this disgusting body? I can already tell that this relapse is going to hurt me badly, damage me even further beyond repair; I can feel it in my bones. And I can't stop it. I eat 1000 calories on a fat day and half of that's normal for me if I'm not fasting. If I try to eat more I puke. I don't try to, I just do. I think I might even be losing my health insurance soon and if/when that happens it's the end of me. It'll be the end of me. I won't be able to deal with this and a standstill in my transition (I think my dosage is to low and I need him to up it before I lose the insurance). I won't and I can't.

I know that this area in the forum doesn't get much traffic and I doubt anyone will respond to this, but I need to know if anyone can hear me. I feel like a mute. I'm not sure why it's important, but I feel so alone and I'm terrified of what's to come. I just need to know that someones listening. That I can get through this.

[Guest Molko]

I here you. I have an ED as well. People notice, people say things, but I don't 'here' them. My lowest point was 40kilos. Currently I'm at 50 kilos... and I feel fat, every day. It's so hard, but I just don't want big arms, I don't want a belly, I don't want a chubby face... it's stupid I know this... but everything I eat I count the calories. I know I should eat more to be healthy, I have the dark bags of malnutrition, I feel week and I feel sick in my bones.

But I try my best, everyday I try. I can't say much other than that I am listening and I understand your pain. Just don't resort to drugs like I have, its even harder to survive, and when you come down, the pain is even worse.

In love, respect and understanding,

Molko XO

[Guest Ruben]

Hey Nigh,

wish I had something more constructive to say to you than 'of course your message's being read,' but I dont' have much to offer. My own ED's been about 4.5 years now, but it's of a different kind. It's part of my life and I mostly accept it as such. And yeah, sometimes I do feel I should get things in order because someday it'll kill me.

Yay for the cheery squad, ha?

So, ehm.. hang in there? I don't know... enjoy whatever you can in life, whenever you're able to. That's pretty much it, I guess.