Coming Out To My Wife - Part Ii

[Carolyn Marie]

It's been two weeks since I first came out to my wife.

There have been steps forward, but not all is rosy, as you might expect.

The good news is we are still talking, still hugging and kissing hello and goodbye, still laughing

together on occasion. We are still a couple.

The good news also includes an hour spent here looking through the S.O. Support Forum together,

finding answers, confirming things I told her about myself and about T.G. in general. This morning I asked

her if I could move my femme clothing from their purgatory in the garage into our closet. She said yes,

albeit without much enthusiasm, and I have to find out whose side of the closet to put them in. Whether

this will lead to additional tension from making my situation more "real" to her, I do not yet know.

On the bad news side, we don't talk about "it" as often as I would like. I think she is still hoping that if she

doesn't mention it, it will all go away. She still confuses TG with being gay, and asked me again today if

I am wearing femme clothes in order to go out and date men. She did say that she needs to talk to

someone, and I think she will take me up on my offer for both of us to meet with my G.T. to answer her

questions and discuss her fears. She really needs to hear about it from an authority figure. That is a good

step forward.

Things are moving, but not as fast as I would like. I'll take the good, and not dwell on the bad. It could be

very very much worse, so I do feel lucky. But every time I see the pain and confusion in her eyes, I feel

that guilt welling up again and have to beat it back.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

It's been two weeks since I first came out to my wife.

Things are moving, but not as fast as I would like. I'll take the good, and not dwell on the bad. It could be

very very much worse, so I do feel lucky. But every time I see the pain and confusion in her eyes, I feel

that guilt welling up again and have to beat it back.

Carolyn Marie

Carolyn, Honey......

This is the part that I got caught up in....

My wife, though confussed, was generally accepting as she could be.....

Well, I took that as a green light to run for it.........I was wrong....I was running over everything and everybody towards my goals....and at the expense of her feelings and need to gradually come up to speed with me...

Long talk.......

So, I took it outa gear and let it coast for a while (not stop or back track...moving ahead) and ease up.....

It made a HUGE difference....

Oh, and the guilt thing?

You're on your own there........we all have to bear that...one way or another....

Good Luck, Honey....

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You know how you and I are - so I want you to consider meeting in a foursome if you get the program set up we talked about. My wife is gonna be really candid if we do - so be prepard - grin. And I will offer this to any other married or partnered transperson - MTF or FTM - my wife and I have a year behind us now, she is very trans-tolerent (new word?).

And honey - Donna Jean is a turtle compared to the jack rabbit I started out as - whew

Dee Jay and I both went too fast.

Little bites - tiny little bites!

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

You know how you and I are - so I want you to consider meeting in a foursome if you get the program set up we talked about. My wife is gonna be really candid if we do - so be prepard - grin. And I will offer this to any other married or partnered transperson - MTF or FTM - my wife and I have a year behind us now, she is very trans-tolerent (new word?).

And honey - Donna Jean is a turtle compared to the jack rabbit I started out as - whew

Dee Jay and I both went too fast.

Little bites - tiny little bites!

Lizzy

Lizzy, you and Dee Jay are so wonderful! Thank you both.

Yes, I will try to take things slowly.

But I do understand more than ever why you two, and Sally and all the others, felt the urge to go forward at

warp speed once you decided that was your goal. I feel an urgency about this that I've never felt before,

and its exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. I can almost sense what the future holds and

I want that future to be now. But I know that others are involved, important others, and that helps keep

me grounded.

Thanks again for the offer on the telecon. I'll work with my wife on that issue and hopefully we will get

together very soon. I can't wait!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest mia 1]

'Carolyn Marie' says:

Yes, I will try to take things slowly.

But I do understand more than ever why you two, and Sally and all the others, felt the urge to go forward at

warp speed once you decided that was your goal. I feel an urgency about this that I've never felt before,

and its exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. I can almost sense what the future holds and

I want that future to be now. But I know that others are involved, important others, and that helps keep

me grounded.

Carolyn Marie

Honestly it doesn't matter how fast you go or how slow. It is not about you or us. It all is all about your wife.

She is the one who will dictate to you how willing and how much she is going to accept.

Nothing you do will make it easier for her. She is still in a denial state, after her husband of umpteen years comes out as woman.

You can't be Carolyn centric..

You can't hanging up your clothes in 'her' closet without her experiencing further disbelief..

Listen to what she tells you, listen to her heart, you know her better than any one else, here or in real life.

She obviously loves you and wants you to stay.....she may not want to hear from your friends on the forum, bring her books and articles from the printed world, don't make her sit in front of a 'screen' and read articles from Dr. this and Dr. that....let her open the pages at her own pace.

Lay back. be cool and love her....remember the decades you've spent together....exhale..hold hands , take her out to dinner, and make her feel like the woman she wants to feel like....

Just my thoughts...but we all love you and give you our best...but you are pilot of your life....

[Carolyn Marie]

Mia, your points are all well taken. You are correct in that I cannot dictate the pace of things.

They will happen or not happen as my wife sees fit. I will adhere to her wishes to the best of

my ability and try to be the person I wish to be within those constraints.

Somewhere and somehow we will work it out together and find a middle ground that we can both

live with. If not, we will not remain together. I hope it doesn't come to that. I'll do my part...

Thank you, Mia. You are a great friend.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest angie]

Carolyn,

Congrats on having(The Talk) that is a big step.

That your wife is willing to go to the SO portions,trying to learn more about this(condition).

Says the kind of relationship you have with her.I know we all want to inundate them with

all things pertaining to our journey.But doing so,instead of allowing her to make the adjustment

at a pace she can handle,could drive a wedge in between you when you are needing her most.

Take it slow,very easy,talk about this as she gives you the opportunity.She made a huge choice

in allowing Carolyn her own closet space.Respect her as the woman and wife she is,remember

she still loves the(man),and will take a while to come to terms with you having to follow your

dreams.As I read once by a good friend of mine,taking a row boat,instead of the speed boat,

can make everything you hope,pray and wish for come true in the end.

Hugs from a lady who came out the wrong way,

Angie