I Figured Out What I Am

[Guest Saphiria]

I realized, after doing some deep thinking. I'm not a girl, I'm also not a man.

While being a girl is more desirable than staying a man, I'm pretty sure it's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" thing, where I'll think being a guy is better.

I like having long hair, I hate facial hair, but I also don't want breasts. I want to be able, to wear a dress one day and look like a convincing girl one day, then the next day wear male clothes and look sharp and handsome in it. One major issue, is my anger issues, it stems from my step-father, and I'm afraid testosterone will make me do something in anger I'll regret later.

I'm probably going to start swimming, get lean muscle, get electrolysis to remove facial and body hair, and stick with the AA's only. Of course I'll need to talk to my doctor and gender therapist about this. Yet, it feels like I was suddenly lying to all these people, including you guys, to say I was a girl when that really isn't the case.

Thank you everyone, I'm sure this is what I mean to do, neither side sticks in my head just right, but being neither sex suits me just perfectly.

[Guest]

The mind is a maze with some more complicated then others. Sometimes it fools us and that's not lying it's confusion. Try doing research into androgyny to see if you fit there. This is far more common than people think. Your therapist will help you figure it out. http://www.lauras-playground.com/androgyny.htm

This place is here to help people figure things out as transition and hormones is not for everyone.

Laura

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Saphiria dear,

Being transgendered is extremely complicated. I too have gone through periods of my life where I went back and forth between my male side and my female side. Heck, I coached my son's soccer team for three years as the alpha male. I totally understand the confusion and the thought of who am I really and where does the lie actually exist. Don't feel that you have been lying to us or to anyone else. You are simply in search of yourself and that is all OK.

Laura's has a link to "Transgendered FAQ" where frequently asked questions are posted with answers. You may want to look at that page (you can get to it from Laura's main page before you log in. You know, the page with all of the cute butterflies flying around .

You are actively seeking your gender identity and that is very good. Seeing a therepist would be a good idea for you. Also, hon, please continue to post here hon. I have found, for myself, the more I post, the more I can see myself clearly.

Love you.

Don't worry sweetie, you will find your way

Brenda

[Sally]

There is no shame in being confused and as Laura said you cannot be lying about anything that you do not know for sure.

Take your time and relax, we are still your friends and are all here for your support - nothing has changed - you are still you and only your gender identity is in question not your identity.

So take a little time off, it is a beautiful day and I am going to go sit in my quite place, if you would like to join me bring a book, I have sandwiches and soft drinks so we can have a picnic while we sit and relax.

In case you don't remember where my quiet place is, here is The Map

Love ya,

Sally

[TassieTiff]

Saphiria,

Forget the labels. Labels are for grocery items. Regardless of which way you go, it is in the end your own decision and hopefully no-one is pushing you one way or the other. You have had a long hard look at it got to the brink and backed off... No shame in that... Doesn't make you a lesser person. No-one here will think any less of you. You will find a level you are comfortable with. THAT is the most important thing....

Regards, Tiff.

[Guest viv]

I realized, after doing some deep thinking. I'm not a girl, I'm also not a man.

While being a girl is more desirable than staying a man, I'm pretty sure it's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" thing, where I'll think being a guy is better.

I like having long hair, I hate facial hair, but I also don't want breasts. I want to be able, to wear a dress one day and look like a convincing girl one day, then the next day wear male clothes and look sharp and handsome in it. One major issue, is my anger issues, it stems from my step-father, and I'm afraid testosterone will make me do something in anger I'll regret later.

I'm probably going to start swimming, get lean muscle, get electrolysis to remove facial and body hair, and stick with the AA's only. Of course I'll need to talk to my doctor and gender therapist about this. Yet, it feels like I was suddenly lying to all these people, including you guys, to say I was a girl when that really isn't the case.

Thank you everyone, I'm sure this is what I mean to do, neither side sticks in my head just right, but being neither sex suits me just perfectly.

Dear Saphiria,

When I first read your post I have to say I felt sorry for you but now Im not so sure . As far as I am concerned if you find TRUE happiness not totally

leaning to one gender or the other then thats your path. Re your anger stuff Saphiria, I would ask you to talk this out with people you trust and more so your

counselor , an ounce of prevention is better then a pound of cure. Please look after your self and I hope to hear from you soon , Love Viv.

[Guest Saphiria]

Thank you everyone, for your support. It really means a lot to me during such confusing times.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Actually that is a very brave thing ...you not going with the flow...

Many get carried by the people around them to transition when in fact they would be more comfortable somewhere else...

You have realized that and not let the tide carry you...congratulations!

It shows that you are intelligent and can't be taken somewhere you don't want to go....

I admire that in you!

Good for you!

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

Honey,

There is nothing to aplogize for.So you found that being a full time female

is not the path for you.Bravo for making this momentous decision.And my

dear,Laura's Playground is for All who identify as Transgender.Not just the

boys and girls.So androgyny is your path,it is your path,your life,only you

know who you are and that is what counts.Doesn't mean you have to leave

us or the forums now does it? Stick around,you are home and welcome here

in your online family of far flung friends across the world.

Warm Big Hugs,

Angie

[Guest Saphiria]

Honey,

There is nothing to aplogize for.So you found that being a full time female

is not the path for you.Bravo for making this momentous decision.And my

dear,Laura's Playground is for All who identify as Transgender.Not just the

boys and girls.So androgyny is your path,it is your path,your life,only you

know who you are and that is what counts.Doesn't mean you have to leave

us or the forums now does it? Stick around,you are home and welcome here

in your online family of far flung friends across the world.

Warm Big Hugs,

Angie

I'll probably stick around, maybe lend some help to people to the forum or those on their own path.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Guest madelane]

Dear Saphira

I am a newbie to this wonderful site but I have been going through what you and others have described. This see-saw between genders.

This may help a little to understand why so many (perhaps all) feel this way.

The level of conciousness or physical plane in which we find ourselves has as it's mainstay, duality. That is positive and negative, yes and no, right and wrong or as Newton's Golden Rule states: 'For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction'. Opposites endless opposites. The 'grey' areas are all manmade, that is to say, rationlisation that we immerse ourselves in daily while we play our part on this world stage.

As one's conciousness rises one finds that this duality slowly disspates until we realise that there is no gender, there is no male or female, positive or negative but purely a single energy which you can call whatever you like, I call it love.

The reason we all think the way we do, as evidenced on the site, the commonality as it where, is a sub-concious acknowledgemet of this state of duality and a search for the way out of this state of being. Doing what most of us here are doing is part and parcel of that search and is something which one cannot wish away or turn away from but needs to be pursued to whatever the outcome. It is part of the journey of life that will ultimately lead us to a better understanding of not only who and what we are but a deep awareness, a constant awareness, of everything that goes on both internally and externally.

One needs to turn to within oneself to find real answers. This of course is easier said that done for when the answer presents itself but it does not conform to our current belief system, that answer is denied and we carry on searching fruitlessly until tha same answer presents itself yet again. Only when we stop the interference by the mind and accept the answer will we move forward. Only then will we realise that we are not this body nor this mind.

I hope this has not been too much of a waffle and that everyone is still awake and not sleeping on their keyboards....

Take care

Love

Madelane

[Guest MrAwesome]

I think a lot of people like being "Neither", at least in one way or another. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even I like being "Neither" in an aspect. I don't like genitalia - at all really. I think Male or Female it's disgusting. But there's plenty of androgynous people here that probably feel the same was as you do. Do you know how far you want to go with this then?

[Guest Saphiria]

I think a lot of people like being "Neither", at least in one way or another. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even I like being "Neither" in an aspect. I don't like genitalia - at all really. I think Male or Female it's disgusting. But there's plenty of androgynous people here that probably feel the same was as you do. Do you know how far you want to go with this then?

I don't know, the more I think about it. The more I just really want to be a girl over being a guy, like the lesser of two evils.

It'll work itself out in the end.

[Guest amie]

This is something I feel I've been pretty reasonable with myself about.

I've sometimes thought about it long and hard and each and every time conclude I'd function much better as a female.

I actually like the fact I have some boyish things about me though.

I've said it b4, the only thing I'm interested in changing is my exterior. That's it. I love the person I am inside.

But yeah, I dig the fact I'd still get off on some boy-like activities. If that's whatcha wanna call 'em?

I personaly have difficulty in seein' what gender has to do with a lot of that stuff anywayz.

I just know a female body would be considerably more comfy. And that would hardly stop me from watchin' a boxing match, watchin' The Buckeyes play on Saturday or rompin' on a 4-wheeler sometimes.

I would dig some of the maintanence responsibilities involved in bein' female.

I think everyone has a tendency to hold more respect for a girl that takes good care of herself and is mindful of her appearance.