Forced To Wear A Dress

[Guest Rika-chama]

Okay, first of all sorry for yet another topic but this has been bothering me for quite awhile.

This June my brother and his girlfriend are getting married. Now, I am super happy that I will be getting a sister and my brother has finally found someone. The thing is they want me to be a bridesmaid at the wedding as well as his girlfriends two sisters. The last thing I want to do is to be a bridesmaid. Honestly I would love to be his best man but that is never going to happen. My mom has tried totalk them out of it but they will not bulge.

When my mom and I went looking for dresses one day I started crying. I just broke down right in the store and luckily it was just in dressing room. My mom asked me what the big deal was. It's just clothes not anything painful. The thing is this dress is a constant reminder of what I'm not. People will be looking at me all day think of me as a woman in such a pretty dress. I dont want that. I don't want to feel miserable on such a special day.

I don't think I could explain the fact I'm trans to my bro and his girlfriend. All they'll say is that I think I should be a boy because I'm a lesbian or that I'm not a boy too bad. They just won't understand no matter what I tell them. Does anybody have any advice for me?

Ni-paa~

[Guest Michelle M]

Wow I'm so sorry. It is awful that you're being forced to go. I mean, it should be as simple as; if you don't want to go to a wedding, you don't want to go, even if it's rude. Do you think you could try saying you're sick, or simply not getting out of bed that day? My youngest brother once dodged a wedding by having a drug hangover and sleeping the entire day the wedding happened. (fyi I never got into drugs, and I'm totally different from my family; I was so glad to get out of the house. But this topic is about you, not me, so I'll stop babbling.)

Well, whether you try talking your way out of it, or pretending to be sick, I wish you the best of luck!

[Guest Rika-chama]

Well Michelle the thing is that I really want to go. I love my brother to death but I would love to just wear a nice pants suit and be an usher or something. I want to go just not in a dress.

Ni-paa~

[princecharmless]

Maybe you could fake extreme shyness? I don't know. I refused being my sister's bridesmaid using that excuse. At any rate I didn't have to dress up as a meringue (Sorry Sis, if you ever see this).

[Guest silverpetals]

i'm so sorry you're in this position

i *suppose* in the end you have the choice at the end of this--if you really can't do it, you could tell them that they'll have to find someone else--but that's pretty extreme and i hope it wouldn't come to that at all.

i think it would be important to them that you could be there just to play the part, but i understand if it would upset you too much to be able to do so...i know it means a lot to both of you, but you need to let them know how much this would mean to you, and how much it could hurt you, if you want to have any chance of escaping it.

it might be best to tell your brother about your feelings and *hope* that he listens and is sympathetic enough to understand and maybe let you off. but if he acknowledges how you feel but still wants you to be there, then it obviously matters A LOT to him, and (if you can) it might be best to just play along (i know it's so much more than "just play along", but that's the best advice i can give ).

i know it could really hurt you to be forced into this, but the other way could hurt your brother too. i think both of you need to come to an understanding, let him understand that this is more than just "i don't want to". if he still insists, then it would probably mean a lot to him if you were there. but then he's totally put his interests before yours, which isn't great.

sorry if i've sounded confusing here.

basically, you can't hope for him to sympathise if you don't tell him how you feel.

hope things work out, tell us how it went

xx

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

The cold thing to do is to tell him "I either come without a dress or don't come at all". But if you want to go, it's not so cut-and-dry.

It was like when I had to go to a funeral. I adamantly refused to wear a dress. They let me go in a suit jacket and pants after awhile because I just wouldn't leave the issue alone.

Like Silverpetals said, you can try to explain to your brother why you don't want to. Make it clear it's not that you don't want to go, but that you don't want to go in a DRESS.

[Guest brandt]

hey i've been in those situations all the time.

my whole life i've been forced to wear dresses and that was practically every special occasion we had. and trust me there were millions of special occasions in my family. right now im sick and tired of it and i've been standing up. i been refusing to wear anything girly. besides the fact that in school i have to wear the skirt and girl pants. but thats only cuz i appearently have to or else ill get in trouble or something.

for me i would saythe cold thing that goldenkirbichu said " either i go without a dress or not go at all" but again im sure that you want to go.

i say maybe give it a little more push into the fact that you dont want to wear the dress. maybe they'll get the idea. june is pretty far away . but it does come quickly. but im sure thats enough time to push the factor.

good luck

brandt/kayden

[Guest Rika-chama]

Thanks for the advice guys. I love you all so much Anyways I'm gonna take the suggestion of just saying No means no. If I have to be uncomfortable and miserable all day then I won't go. They have to listen I mean, I can't be forced to do it and I would be more than happy to do something else for the wedding. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I'm sure my bro won't mind me using his computer so after I talk to them I'll post back.

Ni-paa~

[Guest brandt]

you know i was thinking about that too. sooner or later i might have to be forced to wear a dress to. and i just remembered that i will have to wear one on my cousins debut or 18th bday. its a really big occasion and i know it means a lot to my cousin. i mean i really dont wanna wear the dress again like i did before for my sister's 18th bday debutant ball. i had heels and everything *shivers*. it was disguisting and i was drooling over what the guys were wearing and i had to dance in heels and the dress. and i dont wanna go through that again cuz i know i would be in the royal court. and certainly i really dont know how to get out of it. so i guess maybe from now til may i have to push it and say i dont wanna wear a dress.

[Guest Huff]

Weddings *shudder* The last two summers, I was forced to be a bridesmaid, once for my sister and once for my cousin. After the wedding with my sister, I drank myself into oblivion. I just recently stopped having wedding nightmares. Right after the wedding with my cousin, I called up my other sister and then my mother and came out to them and informed them that I would like to support her in her upcoming wedding (probably 2009), but I would NOT be a bridesmaid and I would NOT be in a dress. I think the worst part was having to actually pay lots of money for a dress, heels, an "up-do", nails... the only thing I managed to get away with was not wearing makeup - I think they were too busy that morning to notice. On the one hand, being a bridesmaid was probably the most traumatic thing I've ever had to do. On the other hand, it got me to finally accept that I am trans and that I need to do something about it.

Good luck. My best advice: try to express your support for the bride as much as possible when you tell her that you're not going to be showing up in a dress. Keep the wedding about her and not about you.

MK

[Guest Rika-chama]

Huff I'm so sorry about what happened, that's really sad.

Well, I told them I didn't want to be a bridesmaid and here's what they said

Why?

It's for, like an hour

You can change right after

You're being stuck up

You're being selfish

Bridesmaids are there for support so that must mean you don't support our marriage

I want to tell them I'm trans but they won't listen I know they won't. They think it's because of the dress but it's more than that. I don't know what to do anymore. I do support them but I don't want to be all dolled up standing in front of a bunch of people who will be thinking "what a cute girl" I do feel selfish especially when I can change before and after but this is somethihng I just really don't want to do. I guess I just give up.

Ni-paa~

[Guest Rika-chama]

So I told my brother why I didn't want the dress and that I feel like a boy. I still have to wear it though Annd we're also gonna have to get pictures taken and I don't want to look at any pictures of me in a dress. They think I'm so unsupportive and I hate it. I wish they could feel how I feel just for one day, then they wouldn't be so mean about this.

Ni-paa~

[Guest Michelle M]

I wish I could think of something to help, but it sounds like they're really going to override everything. If you do anything to 'rebel' (like not shaving legs then wearing the dress, wearing a boy's hairstyle, or just showing up in a tuxedo at the last minute) they can guilt trip and say you're ruining the wedding. I don't think they're taking you very seriously if they downplay it like that. I guess just do your best to endure, and play their game. It won't last forever. Keep it in your mind that they owe you, because you did something to make them happy at the expense of your own comfort. Your karma could reward you later down the road.

[Guest Rika-chama]

Thanks Michelle and I was thinking of rebelling. I have a short haircut (that will not change) and I haven't shaved in forever *evil grin* but you're right. I will endure and try to avoid any pictures taken

Ni-paa~

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Thanks Michelle and I was thinking of rebelling. I have a short haircut (that will not change) and I haven't shaved in forever *evil grin* but you're right. I will endure and try to avoid any pictures taken

Ni-paa~

I would say to take the bridesmaid outfit and then make it as masculine as you can. Bind your chest as well as you can with it. Keep your hair short, don't shave, don't wear makeup, wear a men's cologne, wear men's shoes or a more masculine design if you can get away with it. Make as many little alterations as you can without completely changing it, and you'll send the message that you DON'T want to be in a dress.

In short, look like a man in a dress. And I suggest bringing a tux or suit to change into, because I bet that if you do it right they won't make you stay in a dress for long...

At the least, you'll ruin the pictures with you in them.

Or... just don't go. It's not like they can really stop you...

[Guest Rika-chama]

I would say to take the bridesmaid outfit and then make it as masculine as you can. Bind your chest as well as you can with it. Keep your hair short, don't shave, don't wear makeup, wear a men's cologne, wear men's shoes or a more masculine design if you can get away with it. Make as many little alterations as you can without completely changing it, and you'll send the message that you DON'T want to be in a dress.

In short, look like a man in a dress. And I suggest bringing a tux or suit to change into, because I bet that if you do it right they won't make you stay in a dress for long...

At the least, you'll ruin the pictures with you in them.

Or... just don't go. It's not like they can really stop you...

Haha binding my chest looks bad. I have big breasts and when I bind I look like I'm really buff No makeup for me. The only makeup I'll ever wear is stage makeup and that's it! My mom won't let me get a tux she says a womans suit is good enough Oh, and I'd rather not shave. I'm kinda hairy and I like it Ruining the pictures would be mean but funny, I wish his girlfriend was less serious about the wedding. I know I want funny stuff at my wedding. She's too stuck-up about it

Ni-paa~

[Guest Starkstrom]

Hm, stupid situation...

I don't think it would be a good idea to ruin the wedding by doing weird things or not showing up. I know, I'd throw a tantrum myself but on the other hand he's your brother and if this marriage actually works out you'd ruin his memory of the "best da of his life"...

You should try to be a total enthusiast about the whole thing, grabbing your mother and his future wife and take them shopping for a tux in matching bride's maid color and style (so you'd just look like your bro's gay little brother xD)

Try to convince them it's a good idea, that it will look great on you. You could even volunteer to play host for the whole event because everyone knows, a host looks better (more serious) in a suit than in a fancy dress.

Just make them realize that the whole dress-thing makes you seriously feel miserable and that you want to actually enjoy your bro's wedding!

You still have 1/2 year to show them that you mean business, just make sure it never seems like you're just screwing around for no real reason.

[Guest Rika-chama]

Just make them realize that the whole dress-thing makes you seriously feel miserable and that you want to actually enjoy your bro's wedding!

You still have 1/2 year to show them that you mean business, just make sure it never seems like you're just screwing around for no real reason.

Oh trust me I told my brother why and I still have to do it. He knows I'm not joking about this. Like I said though I'm just gonna grin and bear it. Maybe I'll wear boxers underneath the dress or something nobody else can see

I don't think it would be a good idea to ruin the wedding by doing weird things or not showing up. I know, I'd throw a tantrum myself but on the other hand he's your brother and if this marriage actually works out you'd ruin his memory of the "best da of his life"...

Oh I would never ruin his wedding but I do think his girlfriend needs to lighten up a little. Like I've said they're totally stuck up and if I jokingly mention something like getting a guy to streak their wedding they get all mad at me. Just saying I'm gonna look as guyish as I can without ruining the pictures

Ni-paa~

[Guest Huff]

Just curious... did you try offering to be a groomsman?

Also, a wedding situation is not a good one to start "coming out". It's one thing to say, "gee Mom, you KNOW I'm trans and I can't do this." And quite another to say "uhh... I can't do this because, guess what, I actually feel like I am supposed to be a guy and that's why I hate dresses" Since for some reason weddings are so huge and important for moms and brides, it's too much to process this new piece of information when they've already had you plugged into a specific role in their plans. That's why I came out to my parents and family two years before my next sister is expected to marry. Now they have a year and a half to get adjusted to me as Michael before the crazed wedding frenzy begins again. If I can be Michael in their minds BEFORE they start thinking about what it should all look like, then I won't be put in a dress again. And, actually, with being straightforward with them this early, I now have the power of refusal to participate without it being about my sister or mother.

Moral of the story: marriages are good, but weddings are cruel inventions invented by women to punish men (trans and bio alike). Welcome to manhood, buddy :-)

MK

[Guest CharlieRose]

They think I'm so unsupportive and I hate it. I wish they could feel how I feel just for one day, then they wouldn't be so mean about this.

That's kind of ironic. They, by calling you unsupportive, are being unsupportive themselves.

[Guest Rika-chama]

Just curious... did you try offering to be a groomsman?

Yup, I was told that I'm a girl so I can't.

My mom knows I'm trans and doesn't want me to wear that hideous thing. (she took that position after she saw me crying in the dress shop) my bro now knows but fails to understand. I'll deal with it, my MtF friend on messenger told me to pretend I'm crossdressing

lol Thanks for the welcome Huff

Ni-paa~

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

... a wedding situation is not a good one to start "coming out". It's one thing to say, "gee Mom, you KNOW I'm trans and I can't do this." And quite another to say "uhh... I can't do this because, guess what, I actually feel like I am supposed to be a guy and that's why I hate dresses" [snip]... it's too much to process this new piece of information when they've already had you plugged into a specific role in their plans. That's why I came out to my parents and family two years before my next sister is expected to marry. Now they have a year and a half to get adjusted to me as Michael before the crazed wedding frenzy begins again. If I can be Michael in their minds BEFORE they start thinking about what it should all look like, then I won't be put in a dress again. And, actually, with being straightforward with them this early, I now have the power of refusal to participate without it being about my sister or mother.

This is generally a good idea, although too late now for this one.

My cousin's getting married soon. Luckily I don't have to have anything to do with it, and I'm out to my entire family. Plus I'd raise a huge stink about going if they tried to make me wear something even remotely feminine.

But, I admire your toughness, Rik [does that sound stupid? Rika sounds fem to me unless you'd rather be called it]. Nothing says "manly man" like the ability to be able to wear a dress in public! Not like you have to be a manly man, but still... it takes guts.

[Guest Rika-chama]

UPDATE: I don't have to be a bridesmaid!

Here's why, well the three of us got to talking one day while playing some pool and they decided that if I was gonna be so uncomfortable and sad doing this then they don't want me to do this. They said I can do something else. I forgot the name of that something else but it's like where I help the bride set up the day before or something like that. The next day my brother and I were talking and this conversation goes like this:

Bro: Why are you so uncomfortable wearing a dress?

Me: Would you be uncomfortable in a dress?

Bro: You're not me

Me: You would right and that's because you're a boy

Bro: Yeah

Me: Well I am too

Bro: No you're not

Me: Yes I am

Bro: Look, I won't pretend to understand but if this makes you uncomfortable then you don't have to do it.

So in the end we're all satisfied and I can get away wearing slacks and a nice shirt (and I'd rather wear a girls pants outfit than a dress) also the sisters and I went dressing shopping today and I actually had fun. I just got to sit there and look at these pretty girls try on some cute dresses (straw inhaler thoughts they'll be my "sisters" soon ) Anyways thanks for all the support guys hugs to you all.

Ni-paa~

[Guest silverpetals]

*hugs* yay!! congrats, it shows how far some openness can go, and even if your brother doesn't really understand, he at least knows and cares about you enough to let you off it

that's great news, it must have felt like a HUGE weight

x

[Guest Joanna]

Thats really good. Talk about getting a giant weight off your chest! good luck with the wedding!

hugs

-Joanna