This Time Was No Easier

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Ok many of the regulars on this board are familiar with the ongoing soap opera that is my life as my SO/wife, girlfriend (yes they are all the same person) and I try to figure out what the marriage is going to look like now that I am a woman and not the man she fell in love with and married nearly 9 years ago. She had just come to the point of accepting the realities of this and, even though she did admit to me that she still had feelings for who I had been, she could live with who I was.

Things have been changing with me as well; I used to call myself asexual however the more I thought about it the more I realized that my feelings for women hadn't changed, yes I am also Lesbian. This I accept and in the spirit of openness and honesty I felt duty bound to tell her. Well if that didnt chuch the biggest spanner possible into the works.

As usual when I feel down or confused I write essays to try and get my feelings in order; this time it is 5 pages and 2600 words and really solves little except to get my feelings on 'paper'. I did summarize the feelings both the way things feel now and the way things might be in the future. I figured I would pass on some of that summary since I think this last coming out may have sounded the death knell for any possible future reconcilitation.

"So here I am, a transsexual lesbian in a marriage with a straight woman, this in and of itself is peculiar. Right now the relationship, if you can call it that, is just spinning its wheels or maybe sitting there on life support. Both of us emotionally distant with any form of intimacy lacking; to me it seems like any hope of recapturing any intimacy or emotional connection being extremely remote.

I call her my wife because legally that is what she is; I call her my girlfriend because she is that too however there is much that is missing from both of those concepts. Both of them should subsume some form of emotional connection, something that I no longer feel. Indeed the hug I gave her the other day felt empty, no warmth, and no connection, really not much of anything. Recently she would respond to me gently squeezing her hand when we were in the car and she seemed to be getting upset but the last time I did that, there was no response. How much further apart can two people drift and still manage to call being in the same house a relationship?"

Is there hope for the future, I have aboslutely no idea. In my heart I know I did the right thing by telling her but I also know that I may have just chucked out 6 months of recover on her part. So in many ways I am back to sqare one with all of this and not sure I have the emotional reserves left to fight another battle.

[Guest again]

Hi Joanna,

sorry you are having such a difficult time............hopefully things will work out in time....you were truthful about who you are and that is all you can do. All the best.

[MaryEllen]

No matter what differences we may have with one another, we are here for you. My own spouse is somewhat like yours too and, like you, I miss that intimacy that we once had. We are still good friends and actually soul mates, but.....

Would your spouse consider joining here? Maybe she could gain some helpful insights.

MaryEllen

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

No matter what differences we may have with one another, we are here for you. My own spouse is somewhat like yours too and, like you, I miss that intimacy that we once had. We are still good friends and actually soul mates, but.....

Would your spouse consider joining here? Maybe she could gain some helpful insights.

MaryEllen

she is a member but seldom comes on, when she does I dont know if she posts.

a quick search shows she hasnt posted since september.. although she was on yesterday

[Guest Donna Jean]

Joanna.....

I'm not sure that I really understand the situation...

Let me get this straight.....OK?

She has come around to the fact that you are transitioning.....

But, now, you saying that you are Lesbian has her upset......right?

My wife told me adamantly "I AM NOT A LESBIAN!"

I said...no problem...although we still hugg and hold hands and show affection in public...I had told her that I wouldn't do that in public if it made her uncomfortable...

But, after a while ....she would just reach over and take my hand..even when I had just been "Ma'am'd"

I couldn't have hetro sex with her now if I even wanted to...nothing functions anymore (YAY!)

So, I guess that what I'm saying is that a loving relationship is very possible...

Just not as "Traditionally accepted"

Let me knnow if I'm not on base here ...I think that I understand your post.....OK?

Donna Jean

[Sally]

The whole problem with the world today is that no one can separate love form sex - they are very different.

A true loving relationship is possible between two people without ever having sex - physical intimacy is not the same as emotional intimacy.

Physical intimacy as the basis for a relationship dooms it to failure as age decreases the drive and ability to perform and what is left?

Emotional intimacy is true love and therefore requires no physical contact at all.

When there is emotional intimacy the love continues long after one of the partners has died - it is truly unending.

I say this from my thoughts on the subject because I have never obtained intimacy with another on either level so I am like the theoretical scientist - hoping to one day prove my hypothosis.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Joanna hon,

I am so sorry that you feel alienated even with your spouse. You had no choice, but to come out to her (as we all do). It sounds like she is still coming to terms with the reality of who you are. Her adjustment is going to take a lot of time. I would expect years in reality.

Emotional intimacy is very important for all human beings. As emotional beings, the exchange of feelings is integral to our emotional well being. Your wife needs you as much as you need her. I do hope that you both get through this period and come to realize the importance of togetherness.

You have done nothing wrong Joanna, and your wife has done nothing wrong.

Give your wife some more time. You both have been on quite a rollercoaster for the last six months.

HUGS

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Joanna, I'm so sorry that things seem to be deteriorating in your relationship with your S.O.

Like others have said, she may be in a second period of adjusting to the new you, and this

new information you've given her is going to take time to absorb and accept, just like it

did when you first came out to her about transitioning.

Every situation is different, and mine may have no relationship with yours. But for me,

my transition (and I feel like I started it the day I came out to my wife) has slowly resulted

in a closer bond with my spouse. She had complained for years of my emotional distance,

but now I feel connected to her in ways I never had before. We share little things now, like

looking over a fashion catalog together, or talking about what will happen during HRT,

and I want to be close to her and hug her more now than I have in a long time.

Perhaps those things will come to your relationship as time goes on. You and she clearly

need to develop a different kind of bond. It will take time, but I hope you succeed.

HUGS

Carolyn

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Joanna.....

I'm not sure that I really understand the situation...

Let me get this straight.....OK?

She has come around to the fact that you are transitioning.....

But, now, you saying that you are Lesbian has her upset......right?

My wife told me adamantly "I AM NOT A LESBIAN!"

I said...no problem...although we still hugg and hold hands and show affection in public...I had told her that I wouldn't do that in public if it made her uncomfortable...

But, after a while ....she would just reach over and take my hand..even when I had just been "Ma'am'd"

I couldn't have hetro sex with her now if I even wanted to...nothing functions anymore (YAY!)

So, I guess that what I'm saying is that a loving relationship is very possible...

Just not as "Traditionally accepted"

Let me knnow if I'm not on base here ...I think that I understand your post.....OK?

Donna Jean

I got the same from mine, not told adamantly but screamed at me in the midst of the fight that ensued when she found out about my need to transition. Although she says she accepts the fact I am a lesbian so far there is nothing in the line of even a hand to hold, it has been ages since we did anything like you are mentioning, vertainly since i have started transition. Nothing down there works for me either so that is one thing I dont have to worry about.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Tuckng her tail firmly between her legs she slinks back in to offer the following

My dear sisters, when I get to feeling like that I really must learn to wait 24 hours. I have had a chance to talk to my lovely wife and she told me why she has been silent on the issues. Her job is super stressful, she teaches special education and has a class of behaviourally challenged kids, this leaves her mind like jelly by the time she gets home.

The fact that my father used silence as a form of punishment probably slipped her mind, I gently reminded her of the fact and that I tend to get paranoid when I think I am being totally ignored. She actually does accept that I am lesbian, the bit about intimacy is going to take some figuring out because in my old life sex and intimacy were nearly synonymous. The main stress, and the thing that started all of this, was her trying to tell our story to that sever. In her mind she had not changed things to put it all in the past and so tripped up badly when she tried to tell the story, I appreciate her grately for not taking the easy way out and outing me to the server.

Any way this was all a major misunderstanding, and now I know what actually was going on I am lots better about it. Thanks for putting up with stupid, cranky me as I went off half cocked about something that wasnt as bad as it seemed

[Guest]

Any way this was all a major misunderstanding, and now I know what actually was going on I am lots better about it. Thanks for putting up with stupid, cranky me as I went off half cocked about something that wasnt as bad as it seemed

Writing is a good way to get in touch with your feelings. We are only human and have our ups and downs as any transgender person will tell you. One of the benefits here is the ability to vent to people who will listen. We have thousands on hormones here and a little moodiness from time to time is expected. You should see my email. This is a tough road. Fortunately there are plenty to support you during a down moment. No Apology is necessary.

Love and hugs

Laura