My Life As It Stands Now

[Guest Ariana]

Alright. Uhm. My life, for a while it was going... livable compared to now. But now... I could happily cut my jugular, and be content about it. And it scares me, honest to god.

...I'll give out a list, for anyone mildly interested, if there is anyone.

1: My therapist is taking wayy too long

2: Life at home is now a war, between me and my father

3: I hate my father to death. He gave me the wrong chromosome

4: My best friend Od'ed yesterday, She's in the hospital now, but I'm scared she'll try it again.

5: ...I scream in my sleep now. My mother asked me about... my, uhm... rape fantasies that I didn't even know I had.

6: My father might send me off to an insane asylum.

7: I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford the hormones, let alone the vaginoplasty.

8: I'm now a valium addict. But the good thing is I don't burn myself anymore.

9: I dreamt of dying last night, and I actually felt happy in the morning.

10: I'm too fat. I can't even wear the super skinnies.

11: I'm anorexic, when I try to eat normally I naturally barf it out.

12: Because of my eating disorder, my body probably won't be able to take the hormones, even if I can afford them.

13: I forgot to welcome, like, a million people and I feel guilty about it.

The list goes on and on... this might be the last time I post here, everyone. Oh, and whoever mods this, put it in any section you feel works, I'm not sure where this goes.

[Sally]

Dear Ariana,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time.

I am far from having a perfect life and I am down to 330 so I understand some of your feelings.

I do not hate my father but I am feeling rather estranged from my family.

I do not have anorexia but I do eat a lot because at times I feel that food is my only friend.

You are not alone and the fear caused by welcome dreams of death are crippling and encourage the dream to repeat itself.

I can only offer you my friendship and I don't know if that is going to be of much help but do know that someone cares even if it is only me.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Ariana hon,

Your therapist is a highly trained professional. He or she knows what they are doing. For therapy to be successful, one must work with their therapist. Follow their advice, and participate in the therapy. A therapist is a guide to help you come to terms with yourself.

Don't hate your father for your biological makeup. It was not his fault. He had no control over how nature constructed you.

I am sorry that you are in such pain Ariana. This is all the more reason why you need to remain in therapy.

Of course, I would love to see you remain here at Laura's too

Love

Brenda

[Guest Ariana]

Hi Sally. Yeah, I know I'm not alone, thanks. I would accept your offer of friendship, but I'm scared of hurting you when I do pass on, you know? And I don't want to be hurting people anymore.

[Guest Ariana]

Hi there Bernii. My therapist probably does know what he's doing, but I didn't tell him about my... tendencies. It would make me have to wait longer. Yeah, I know it wasn't my father's fault, but he isn't being all that supportive either. Uhh, I might not be around here all that much, though. It would be better if you all... forget about me. I'm sorry

[Guest ricka]

Ariana-----Sweetie just don't give up! Remember you are not going through this alone. All of us have gone through dark times and there is not a person on LP who is not able to relate to the place you are in right now, I am sure of it. But the point is that it is indeed possible to not only survive but to learn to thrive despite all the barriers.

Brenda is right that therapy takes time. It is not uncommon for things to feel worse before they get better. Hon, there is a lot of pain and trauma to deal with and heal by virtue of being a transgendered person. That is the reality. Has your therapist talked to you about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as an adjunct to individual therapy? It is considered a best practice for people who are having the difficulties that you listed. You can also google DBT to find out more about it. You know the most important part of therapy is just showing up--sort of like life!!

Hon, keep posting here and let us be part of your support system.

Hugs--Ricka

[Sally]

Hi Sally. Yeah, I know I'm not alone, thanks. I would accept your offer of friendship, but I'm scared of hurting you when I do pass on, you know? And I don't want to be hurting people anymore.

Ariana, there is no way to keep from hurting people you care about and who care about you - cutting us out of your life hurts even more when we know that you are still among us but do not feel that we should be a part of your life.

I would much rather spend as much time as I can getting to know you and maybe even helping a little, it would be good for me.

So if you do not feel comfortable posting in the forums anymore, send me a PM - I don't want to lose you.

I wish that I didn't have to go to work right now, I would stay here with you all day and let you know how much I care and there are so many others - don't shut me out, don't shut them out - we are a family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ariana]

@ricka

I never heard of DBT before. Maybe it would help me, I don't know? I know I'm sounding like a snob, but this has been going on so long, it's longer then just a dark age. I agree that the hardest thing is showing up, though. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have showed up for life in the first place...

@Sally

I wish things would change... but what would hurt more? Knowing a faceless person just died, or a beloved friend? Oh go and enjoy your time at work... I wouldn't like to be a burden. I guess if I was more active earlier on, it wouldn't be like this now, right?

[Guest foxy]

Ariana, theripists have to take their time so they do not give the wrong diagnosis. also therapists can easily tell if you are fighting other problems, out moods/worrys/problums are allways shown in how we walk,talk, and even hold out head and move our eyes. and if they know you have other issues, they wait, because they know when your ready to talk about it you will. as far as killing your self goes... if you were going to do it you probability would of done it by now, that your still alive tells me you don't want to die, and are only thinking of it as a way to escape the problems at hand. remember this, death is never the answer and anything can be overcome if you wish it to be, the only one holding your self back from being happy is you. your dream of dieing and feeling happy when you woke up, is most likely wrong, see we dream up to 7 dreams in the span of an hour before deep sleep. sometime we remember one dream some time we remember all, but if we only remember one dream out mind will mentally fill in the blanks in that dream so it makes some sort of seance. the rape dreams are most likely just your feelings of what you want, but you probability feel that rape is the only way for you to get them. as far as you dad goes... remember this, arguing is rarely the right choice, in a argument, both sides try to explain themselves and nether will give in, but if you talk, and use understanding, logic and reason, you can bring him around to your side of thinking. i feel sorry for your friend, but i can tell you this, right now she probability needs you, to have some one their for her and to talk to. sometimes our friends are the only ones who can pull us out of those nasty holes we fall into.

i relay wouldn't feel guilty about welcoming everyone, i am sure we both know that there is a lot of people on these forms then just the ones who say welcome. for me i haven't said a single welcome, i just read, learn, and offer my advice and understanding when i see fit. heck most the time i never can post because everyone always takes what i was gonna say....mind readers . with the insane asylum. my father try ed doing the same thing, funny thing is, i'm too smart to be keept in one of those places, first thing they teach you in physiology is how to get out of one of those places. from what i can get from everything going on is you not insane, you just need some one to talk to, like your therapist, and a light to show you the path out of this darkness. with weight, that is easily changed, eating the right food, portion size and doing like 15min of walking a day and you can easily drop weight. also would stay away from fast food... that stuffs your en-tier days calorie intake in a single meal. if you ever find yourself being hungry for a snack i would just eat a apple or some fruit, but most the time hunger is just a mind game.

remember this, everything can be changed if you want it too be changed, so do you have what it takes to climb out of this nasty hole you've falling into and be happy?

p.s never say you don't have what it takes, because we all have what it takes to be happy

[Guest angie]

Arianna,

Lets not hear about turning yourself off.You are so young with so much life left ahead of

you to live.Work through this most difficult of times,when you are on your own,you can

follow your dreams.My daddy was an terribly abusive man,in the mental,emotional and

physical sense,my childhood was horrible and I hated everything about my dad.I made

it through my teen years,but had to become the man I knew I wasn't,because it was expected

of the(males) of my generation.It took until I was 47years old to find myself and start on

this long and most rewarding of journeys.Please don't turn yourself off,you have a lifetime

of being a woman to look forward to,by sticking around to see the end of your life story,

as you finally have that chance to become the woman that you are.

A suicide survivor,

Angelique

[Guest ricka]

@ricka

I never heard of DBT before. Maybe it would help me, I don't know? I know I'm sounding like a snob, but this has been going on so long, it's longer then just a dark age. I agree that the hardest thing is showing up, though. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have showed up for life in the first place.

Ariana---The goal of DBT is simply to find a life worth living. Most people who start DBT start from a place which you describe where you are at. There is a saying in DBT which says that none of us were able to choose the cards that we were dealt in life but we can learn to play the cards we have successfully and in the end win the game of life. Don't throw in your hand now, Sweetheart! It is way too early in the game of life!!! The truth is the most fabulous women i have ever known were once in the place you are now! Walk with Sally and me through this--and all the women here who have opened their hearts to you! You can come out on the other side where the sun is shining and you love the woman that you are.

Ricka

[Guest Ariana]

@foxy

But if the therapists takes too long, doesn't that make suicide a risk? But anyways, thanks for all that you've written... it made me flood the basement with tears... even if I have what it takes, like you said, I don't know how to use what I have to make myself happier. I really don't. Oh, and with my friend, she wouldn't listen until I told her that we would have a suicide pact. Once we're both ready, we're both gone.

@Angie

I... I can't imagine what it would be like to be abused by a father, even though the shouts hurt my ears. I'm happy were stronger than I am to survive your dark time. And I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pass as a woman on the off=chance I get hormones... but thank you for supporting me. I wonder when the end of my life's story will be...

@ricka

I'll try. I'll try really hard not to trip and fall off the path of life.. but my bets effort may not be enough, you know? If my therapist ever gets back to me (I doubt it, it'll never ever happen) I'll bring it up, I suppose.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

@foxy

But if the therapists takes too long, doesn't that make suicide a risk? But anyways, thanks for all that you've written... it made me flood the basement with tears... even if I have what it takes, like you said, I don't know how to use what I have to make myself happier. I really don't. Oh, and with my friend, she wouldn't listen until I told her that we would have a suicide pact. Once we're both ready, we're both gone.

@Angie

I... I can't imagine what it would be like to be abused by a father, even though the shouts hurt my ears. I'm happy were stronger than I am to survive your dark time. And I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pass as a woman on the off=chance I get hormones... but thank you for supporting me. I wonder when the end of my life's story will be...

@ricka

I'll try. I'll try really hard not to trip and fall off the path of life.. but my bets effort may not be enough, you know? If my therapist ever gets back to me (I doubt it, it'll never ever happen) I'll bring it up, I suppose.

Ariana hon

Sweetheart, it does not have to be this way baby. Laura's has chat rooms with qualified moderators that can help you in crisis. I strongly suggest that you join Laura's chat and get the assistance that you need. Also, you can call 1-800-SUICIDE which is a suicide prevention hotline.

There are resources available to help you at no cost to you

You are going to be OK.

If you would like, I could meet you in the Community Center in chat and bring you to a crisis room... OK?

Love you

Brenda

[Guest Ariana]

That would be nice, Bernii, thanks. Let's hope that it works... I'll be on the chat soon, I guess.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

That would be nice, Bernii, thanks. Let's hope that it works... I'll be on the chat soon, I guess.

Good deal sweetie

PM me when you are going to chat. I'll meet you there... OK

Love you

Brenda