Leading A Double Life

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Tonight I had a study session with a few friends of mine from school because finals start tomorrow. While I was there, I started pondering my situation. From kindergarten till now I have presented as male, even after I identified as transgendered, in order to protect myself. Even though college is supposed to be "a brand new start," because it's so close to home, most of the people I grew up with go there, so I couldn't change. As a result, in public, I act male. With my college friends, we talk about women, discuss drinking, watch football (which I'm sadly beginning to enjoy after a lifelong hate for sports), and play first person shooter video games. Now granted, I don't partake in too many activities with these friends. But when I do, it's always as male, and they know nothing of my secret life. The one thing that got to me the most tonight was when one of my friends made a sexual comment. All the guys laughed, and I had to laugh too of course, but neither of the two girls present laughed. One of them said, "Typical guy. That's all you ever think about." Of course that's exactly how I felt, but I would be ostracized if I took her stance.

So I question, is it wrong to live a double life like most of us do? We deceive everyone by acting as one gender while hiding another. One half of me argues that I do so for protection. My college is very intolerant of gay people, and I've heard harsh remarks towards the one openly out crossdresser. But my other half feels that I'm hurting myself. I'm only pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm also lying to everyone who invests their time in me because they think I'm someone different. They get to know someone and share experiences with that person. But that person isn't real. Maybe parts are, but parts aren't. I don't want people to hate me. I still want people to be my friend. Err, so confusing.

Anyways, what's everyone's take on this?

.Anna

[Carolyn Marie]

No, Anna, it isn't wrong. Its what most of have to do for self preservation, or to continue in careers, or continue with partners.

It's part of being trans and nearly everyone has to live the lie for at least a while.

What is important is not to feel guilty about it, and to move towards showing your true self to the world as soon as it is practical and

logical to do so, so that the woman inside you matches your outward appearance.

We all do what we have to do to survive. As long as the world treats us like second class, or dismisses us as freaks, it will be necessary.

Some day it will be different, I know it will.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

To me it is a simple mater of being what others want to see while I get things sorted out enough to finally be me and then i will tell them all and I have been true to myself as well.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AshleyRF]

Everyone leads a double life to some degree. We all pretend to enjoy things that we really don't or agree with things we really don't just to fit in to a group. Granted, our situations are a little more extreme, but everyone puts up some sort of front in the public eye.

[Guest viv]

Dearest Anna,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a "dual" life. Crossdressers are not wrong in any way .

But you Anna, this is a means to an end for you , your transition . I just cant see anything wrong with that.

Just be careful hun, object to idiot remarks in private, most women do Before you know it you will be

shoulder to shoulder with your girlfriends in school complaining re those remarks,,,,luv,viv

[Guest nova]

I was in the same situation not that long ago. I put off transitioning until i graduated. I was living with family and there was a lot of phobia too. It was bad enough, i decided, as it was.

After school, I had a part time job and the assistant manager told everybody that he saw me wearing a dress on Kalakua Avenue working as a prostitute. Not true!! Once a car load of guys pulled up to me when i was walking home after class and got out yelling gay slurs as they came after me. Another car pulled up -a yellow Rolls Royce- I'm not kidding, and the driver told me to get in and he saved me from a real beat down. My Alma Mater is still phobic. Earlier this year the football coach was fined for making homophobic slurs to the media. It wasn't until this year that i changed my name in my school records and got a replacement diploma. For the first time in my life I proudly hang it on my wall. I would only say, I could barely hold off transition for four years without even starting hormones and hair removal. But I sometimes wonder if I would even be alive or have finished my degree if i had taken on too much back then. But I think I made the right decision and I think you are too.

--Nova

[Guest N. Jane]

I led a double life from childhood to SRS/transition so of course I voted that it is okay.

For me it wasn't "behind closed door" but one life for school and around home and another life whenever I could get away from home. I was never able to "pass for a guy" and it was Small Town 1960's and everybody knew so I was sort of a freak. Away from home I had a chance to live a normal (girl's) life and I needed that for my sanity and growth. By the time I went off to college everybody figured I was a girl in drag and I didn't care any more - I let them think whatever they wanted to think.

When the possibility for SRS came along, there was no mention of a RLT/RLE and transition was a snap.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

For those who have to live the double live (something I found got increasingly impossible to do) all power to you. I found that I had to get rid of my other life just as soon as I could, I was fortunate to have understanding employers so transitioning at work was not an issue.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Everyone leads a double life to some degree. We all pretend to enjoy things that we really don't or agree with things we really don't just to fit in to a group. Granted, our situations are a little more extreme, but everyone puts up some sort of front in the public eye.

How right you are Ashley!

Most everyone does that to a degree!

I think that you are on the money on this one!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest AlexanderG]

Everybody has a public identity on the one hand and a private identity on the other. So at least two of them. Then there could be an additional professional identity, identity towards the public if you're famous or anything, et cetera.

So nope, no worries about that.

[Guest ChloëC]

Sometimes I think for many of us, it's really deceiving ourselves, not the public.

Or, then again, how can it be called deception, if we, ourselves, aren't even sure of what we are.

And anyway, part of my definition of deception is using it to try to take advantage of someone. First, most of us don't 'use' it, second, we're mostly terrified someone will try to take advantage of us. That is not deception. That's fear.

But, that's just my opinion.

Chloë

[Guest Pól]

I'm not sure this is really a moral question. I think it's more a matter of necessity -- doing whatever you've got to do to be safe and happy.

I guess my answer would be 'yes,' then.

[Guest CJwar]

I don't think of it as wrong. I did it as a means to an end. I couldn't be who I really wanted on the outside during the day, so I went around and acted as everyone expected me to act. That's what they see on the outside, so that was how the expected me to behave.

But when I'm at home, I have a right to be comfortable, I have a right to let down that outer shield and be Chris. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do until you have the courage to show the world.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Well we've got two "No's" in the poll but no explanations for them. Plenty of "Yes" explanations, though. I'd really like to hear the opposing viewpoint.

.Anna

[Guest April63]

I voted No.

I believe we don't need to keep secrets. I think it's not right to live a double life, because you are lying to people about yourself. You're being someone you're not.

None of us are perfect, and we'll always have secrets and double lives, but I think we should try to keep that to a minimum. We should be true to ourselves and the people around us.

[Guest rachael1]

I voted yes as I believe that it isn't so much as a moral issue but one of survival, both to protect ourselves and our loved ones.

Once your transitioning is complete and you are living fulltime as your true gender than there is no more need to live a double life but until then it is wise to be cautious.

Rachael

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I do understand those who have to do this as a matter of survival or of keeping a job of some kind. For me it got to the point really quickly that my double life was nearly as bad as the dysphoria that caused it in the first place. The day the hotel owner gave his blessing to me transitioning at work it was like that final load had been lifted. I was now free to be who I was meant to be.

Now just to wait for the day that Dr. Brassard does his magic

[Guest Donna Jean]

I really don't see morality involved.

For the most part it's pure survival!

We weren't put on this earth to get the crap kicked out of us and lose our jobs and not be able to provide for our families...

Moraly we're not obligated to to live one way or another according anyone elses rules or values

Everyone needs to get from cradle to grave in this life with the longest distance between ....

I owe no one around me an explanition for anything that I do in this life as long as it doesn't affect them!

And if it makes my transition , more expiditious, safer, and more comfortable..so be it...I have no one else to be true to, just myself!

It's not a moral thing!

Donna Jean

[Guest Leigh]

wow...i'm the only one who's uncertain?

seriously... what about cross dressers? i'm pretty sure they do this on a regular basis, and i wouldn't call that wrong..but for someone to be going through transition and not living openly.. it depends on the exact situation honestly... so. really, i'm not sure at all.

in fact, i have debated living as male wherever i move to and just pretending to be female when i visit home (can ya tell i'm afraid to come out?)

anyway, i don't think it's any of our place to judge. i'm surprised that most ppl voted that it's wrong.

i would say, it's up to you, whatever is best for you in the long run. and i mean best for you emotionally/spiritually, not socially.

but you should probably talk to a councilor about it. best of luck.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

i'm surprised that most ppl voted that it's wrong.

i would say, it's up to you, whatever is best for you in the long run. and i mean best for you emotionally/spiritually, not socially.

peace&love

leigh

Check again Leigh the question is "Leading A Double Life, Is it morally correct to..." and the majority of the answers said that is is correct to do so. I agree that it is even though I couldnt do it for long

[Guest Eth]

I can't really vote because I don't believe in "right and wrong" as much as I believe in "actions and consequences". In this particular case, it's a simple matter of weighing the pros versus the cons, deciding what you are or are not willing to do and what the consequences of your actions could be. Not only can the answer vary from situation to situation, but also from person to person, so I don't see how it's possible for me or anyone else to give a clear-cut answer about what you should do. Only you can figure that out for certain.

From my point of view - being a very headstrong personality - I tend to just go into it and not care so much what happens. For me I figure, I've been through so much that I can take on anything. Then I also don't value my own life so in the worst case situations- who cares? Then I've also got no physical friends, and take the stance that if they're only friends with the fake mask I put on, and not who I really am, then why would I consider them "friends"? They don't even know who I am.

However, your threshold is probably different, your situation also different, the consequences a bit different (or at least with different odds). All the possible scenarios are unique to your situation and your personality. Therefore you have to think about every possible future you may have. If you do go with Path A, what will be the potential consequences, both good and bad? Short term and long term? What about Path B? Path C? And so on.

There is also one rule I like to live by regardless of what situation I am in; Always expect the worst so you will never be disappointed. Find the worst case scenario, and expect it. If you're right, then at least you saw it coming. But if you're wrong, then even if it's not necessarily in the good range, it's still better than what you expected. The worst case scenario really isn't as likely as we sometimes think it is, but if we solidify in our minds this will happen, then when it doesn't, we breathe this big sigh of relief and come out of it happier than we thought we'd be.

愛 Eth

[Guest Leigh]

Check again Leigh the question is "Leading A Double Life, Is it morally correct to..." and the majority of the answers said that is is correct to do so. I agree that it is even though I couldnt do it for long

ah. well, for once i'm glad to have misread something.

thanks for pointing it out to me.

peace&love

[Guest Ryles_D]

I think there's a difference between leading a "Double Life" and acting differently behind closed doors because society won't understand. I think of "leading a double life" as literally leading two lives. The case that TV dramas love is a man with one or more families who don't know about each other and the guy travels on "business trips" to see the other one. That is wrong on so many levels. But what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business (unless it harms someone else, no kicking puppies at home)

Morals are a vague thing, anyways. I think it's morally wrong to discriminate against someone for how they are (again- unless it harms someone else). If my morals were world-wide, you wouldn't have to lead a 'double life' like that because you wouldn't be in danger. But that's not the case. :/

[Guest Anna_Banana]

All,

I apologize for not posting in a while. I've been very busy with school and my Windows-based PC became infected with a trojan so I avoided logging-in here to prevent keyloggers and what not from obtaining my username and password. Decided it was time to make the switch to Fedora, a Linux distribution, to prevent future issues like this.

I think there's a difference between leading a "Double Life" and acting differently behind closed doors because society won't understand. I think of "leading a double life" as literally leading two lives. The case that TV dramas love is a man with one or more families who don't know about each other and the guy travels on "business trips" to see the other one. That is wrong on so many levels. But what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business (unless it harms someone else, no kicking puppies at home)

Morals are a vague thing, anyways. I think it's morally wrong to discriminate against someone for how they are (again- unless it harms someone else). If my morals were world-wide, you wouldn't have to lead a 'double life' like that because you wouldn't be in danger. But that's not the case. :/

Actually, myself and others on this site live two lives precisely. In the immediate area of where I live as well as at school, I am a guy. When I'm on leisure and travelling about forty minutes away, I'm a girl. As such, this extends beyond the privacy of my own home.

.Anna

[Guest Leah1026]

Morality doesn't enter into it.

Sounds like unresolved shame issues to me.

Talk to your therapist.

As someone else said practically everyone on this planet does this to some degree.

Focusing in on our unique situation:

In transition there is always going to be a middle ground, a no man's land, that exists during treatment. It is to be expected and nothing special. But realize your situation is temporary. Transition is not meant to be a way of life; it is, by definition, transitory. At some point you will be finished transition and all this will be behind you. Don't be swayed by what others might think or let your current situation get you down. Keep your eyes on the prize, that is making yourself whole. Treating a medical condition is the morally correct thing to do.

Please speak with your therapist about this.