Leading A Double Life

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Morality doesn't enter into it.

Sounds like unresolved shame issues to me.

Talk to your therapist.

As someone else said practically everyone on this planet does this to some degree.

Focusing in on our unique situation:

In transition there is always going to be a middle ground, a no man's land, that exists during treatment. It is to be expected and nothing special. But realize your situation is temporary. Transition is not meant to be a way of life; it is, by definition, transitory. At some point you will be finished transition and all this will be behind you. Don't be swayed by what others might think or let your current situation get you down. Keep your eyes on the prize, that is making yourself whole. Treating a medical condition is the morally correct thing to do.

Please speak with your therapist about this.

Err your response seemed a little harsh to me. I didn't necessarily think I have "unresolved shame issues." I don't feel ashamed of who I am. If I felt I needed to talk to my therapist about this, I would have. I appreciate your response that you don't find this be a morality issue. I'm sure not everyone does. This topic was designed to be philosophical in nature.

.Anna

[Guest Leah1026]

Err your response seemed a little harsh to me. I didn't necessarily think I have "unresolved shame issues." I don't feel ashamed of who I am. If I felt I needed to talk to my therapist about this, I would have. I appreciate your response that you don't find this be a morality issue. I'm sure not everyone does. This topic was designed to be philosophical in nature.

.Anna

Well your assertion was harsh. "Deception" is a common argument used against us by those who do not understand what we are going through. The process of self-acceptance and transition is not deception. It is just the opposite. You are beginning to articulate to the world your inner truth. It is not your fault that you lacked the vocabulary or understanding to voice this before.

If you haven't already read it I highly suggest this book:

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Whipping-...RI=julia+serano

Julia thoroughly deconstructs all the arguments people use against us. It is an empowering book for us because it sheds light on a subject that is rife with emotion and which can cloud our judgement. Julia's intellectual approach slices through it all, exposing a powerful truth: It is society that has the dysphoria, not us.

We have as much right as anyone else on this planet to be ourselves. (self-esteem)

Our identities as just a legitimate as anyone else's. (self-respect)

And to repeat something I said on another thread: Transsexualism is a medical condition, it is NOT an identity.

In the midst of transition it is very common for people to get confused and start referring to themselves as transsexuals (noun). While on the surface this may seem harmless, it is in fact the beginning of buying into the idea that you are not a woman or a man, but something else. This is a mistake. You are selling yourself into a bondage of otherness instead of being the gender you are. Don't let an ignorant society or even a therapist tell you who you are.

I am not a transsexual, I am female and I will not compromise my identity for anyone.

Transition is our chance at a gender appropriate puberty. We question ourselves, we struggle to learn who we are and what we stand for. Over time we solidify our identities and move on to adulthood. Only our puberty is shorter and much more intense because of the negative scrutiny we must endure.

I am not attacking you, I am trying to help you. This is assistance from a sister who went through the same fires that you're going through right now, survived and made it to the other side whole and intact.

I'm sorry if this post seems a bit disjointed. I've re-written it a couple times, trying to balance all the important ideas I want to impart to you.

[Guest]

I've heard from many who live fulltime at home rarely going out the door. When UPS (parcel service) comes to the door they rush to change. We were born this way. We're not suppossed to be locked up. Our fears keep the chain on the door. Living fulltime at home is not transition which leads us in steps to become one person and whole. Sure at home living provides a temporary fix and keeps some from going crazy or committing suicide. Like painkillers the effects are temporary though and have to be taken every few hours. Yet the source of the pain is never removed and the Doctor will only prescribe them for so long.

Life is only so finite. Don't waste it. Why not live it fully as your "True Self"? The saddest stories I've heard were of those who lived alone full time at home never venturing out. In their wills they stated they wished to be buried as themselves in female attire. What a time to come out. Meanwhile they were miserable all their lives. Both were in their 70's.

Fears are natural but at some point they need to be overcome so we can be who we are. Everyone has that right. Ask a therapist to help.

Laura

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Well your assertion was harsh. "Deception" is a common argument used against us by those who do not understand what we are going through. The process of self-acceptance and transition is not deception. It is just the opposite. You are beginning to articulate to the world your inner truth. It is not your fault that you lacked the vocabulary or understanding to voice this before.

I was not trying to be harsh, and I don't think anyone else in this topic so far has been either. I did not need for you to harshly criticize me or (from what it felt like) personally attack me. I don't come to Laura's to be put down. I already have my family and peers to do that for me. I apologize that this topic offended you so much, but maybe you should seek counselling on that matter since you seem to have a serious chip on your shoulder.

.Anna

[Guest April63]

I know I'm not a moderator, but maybe we should just forget about this little incident and move on with the topic. Sound good?

[MaryEllen]

I know I'm not a moderator, but maybe we should just forget about this little incident and move on with the topic. Sound good?

Sounds good to me too. Unless all parties involved calm down the topic will be closed and removed.

MaryEllen

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

There are those of us who have put that double live to rest and live fulltime in out transitioned gender. I know I am one of them; when I had to do the double life thing I knew it was not something that I could sustain for any length of time, the gender dysphoria was bad enough without, as it felt to me, the nearly schizophrenic need to change personalities on a daily basis.

[Guest julia_d]

morals are a false construct.. they are ethically invalid due to flawed reasoning.

As long as people are aware of the different roles they take throughout their daily life and treat them as just that then there is no personal conflict. IF somebody demands I dress in the wrong gender for me I either refuse point blank or don't attend.

It IS ethically (ethics.. personal ethics.. being true to yourself.. I already tore morals down) wrong to do as others demand when that compromises your own knowledge of who you are.