Coming Out To A Parent Who Might Be Transgender?

[Guest DisDwarf]

It has been some time now that I suspect my father (I live with him) might be in the transgender spectrum... perhaps a female trapped in a male body (like me), an androgynous, or another non-binary gender... It's difficult to say why I think this, but I can see lots of defence mechanisms going on in my father's behaviour and I've got a very clear signal from my intuition that he's like me (female in male body)... and I trust my intuition a lot!! (all women do, haha!)

I feel as if his difficulty at embracing me as female actually comes from his own suppression of his gender-giftedness. I'm afraid that if I continue talking about such stuff his true nature might come to light... which is actually a good thing but I feel I shouldn't interfere with it... I mean, if he represses it he might feel a need to do so.

When I came in contact with my inner gender identity, which I had repressed for 28 years, I fell into a 6-month emotional crisis... lots of crying etc (now mostly gone, still got dysphoria but not acute crisis). My father is in his 60s. A gender identity repressed for more than six decades would probably cause a stronger crisis than mine, and I still find it surprising how I managed to survive such a strong crisis myself. So, I don't want to cause something similar to my father, if he's really transgender (on the other hand, of course, finding one's true gender identity is also a very positive and good thing, if one can survive the emotional crises involved...)

Therefore I'm considering not discussing trans issues... what do you think? If he represses it his subconscious might feel he couldn't weather the emotional crises involved so there might be good reason to keep it repressed?

Or maybe I just project my own self onto him?

And you? What about your parents? Do you think they could have been transgender? Only your father or also your mother? What about siblings? Do you find it runs in families?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well

I 'am' your father in so many ways! I am 62. I never really faced my gender dysphoria for all but the last year and one half.

Here is how you might tell if he is repressing a gender dysphoria - he will sometimes be depressed for no really clear reason, then get past it, only to revert back later. He is able to act as a normal person but it really seems a stressful thing sometimes. He is rather able to see a woman's viewpoint quite easily, and although there is a bluster of manliness, underlying is a rather sensitive person.

Of course NONE of that is a clear indication of proof. It is what I apparently was like all those years. My children say they always knew something was there.

To bring it up will cause instant defences to be put up. If there is no gender dysphoria he might laugh at the suggestion - probably will. If there is real surpressed gender dysphoria you will get an initial quick denial, for sure. BUT - if it applies, I doubt his shock and recovery would be any more severe than yours.

In any case - only a therapist can determine if your father has a gender dysphoria condition. You understand how good we are at hidding it!

Hope this helps - not much to say I guess. Use your insticts and go very gently...

Lizzy

[Guest Ryles_D]

I can't give you any advice- although if he doesn't want to face his own issues, then he may end up denying yours more fervently just to keep from having to see his. That might hurt, but you can't force him to see anything he doesn't want to see. (assuming he is transgendered)

It might be best to just tell him the truths of your experience, and let him process it and think about how it might affect him on his own time. This is something that has to happen on each person's terms and time, and getting forced to accept it too early might make it even harder to handle.

Either way- good luck!

Here is how you might tell if he is repressing a gender dysphoria - he will sometimes be depressed for no really clear reason, then get past it, only to revert back later. He is able to act as a normal person but it really seems a stressful thing sometimes. He is rather able to see a woman's viewpoint quite easily, and although there is a bluster of manliness, underlying is a rather sensitive person.

Well... That only further suggests that my mom might be trans. All of those fit her- up until the last sentence. She's rarely able to see a woman's perspective, and doesn't understand a lot of things that seems to come naturally to them, and seems to get along better with men. She was even in the army and a fraternity in the past, and got her school to let women wear pants.

It really wouldn't surprise me if she is- although I know I can't say for sure. It also might explain why she has so much of a problem with this from me. After I came out, she spent a lot of time explaining hhow, for all her masculine traits, that didn't make her a man. And it doesn't, but she isn't a very happy woman, either.

I wouldn't bring it up with her, though, her family is the kind who avoids problems rather than facing them. Even if she isn't transgendered, I think she has some issues that talking to a therapist would help- but with her personality even casually mentioning it is a recipe for disaster and wold only make her less likely to.

[Guest DisDwarf]

Here is how you might tell if he is repressing a gender dysphoria - he will sometimes be depressed for no really clear reason, then get past it, only to revert back later. He is able to act as a normal person but it really seems a stressful thing sometimes. He is rather able to see a woman's viewpoint quite easily, and although there is a bluster of manliness, underlying is a rather sensitive person.

Yeah, the above description really describes 100% my life and I think also my father's. Even many people I've talked to as friends. We're very good at hiding it even from ourselves and building fake personas. The need to survive in a society which treats us as freaks is what makes us do so, I think.

Strangely, I start to believe our subconscious has some way to notice whether another individual is transgender and if we are transgender then we may end up having many friends who're like us even if they (or we) don't know it. The more I experience this gender-giftedness and the more I learn about transgender people, the more sensitive I seem to be in detecting gender-gifted appearance or behaviour in other people (this also has the effect of making me much more capable at consciously hiding my gender-giftedness when/if I want to). It looks as if there are lots of us, but most continue believing a myth we got brainwashed to believe just because we happened to have the wrong plumbing and we were forced to live as something we're not. As I read on a TS site, in reality we're all intersex (in the brain).

I only hope more people start realizing it in their teens before testosterone/estrogen poisoning "genderizes" the body in the wrong direction, because for us who understand it post-puberty we've got many features we can't change (at least, I seem to be somewhat lucky in this regard, I've got no Adam's Apple at all LOL!)

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Actually, I was just thinking this about my Dad. When I came out to him he didn't say much at all but he did say that he used to always wish he was a girl growing up. Maybe he just said used to because he is remarried and has 7 kids? He is also almost in his 60's now. Well it's been about 2 1/2 months since I told him and he just went into the mental hospital for being suicidal. My step mother blames me saying his depression got way worse after I came out. He has been severely depressed since his first marriage ended with my mom about 19 years ago. He tried committing suicide before and is on disability. He doesn't talk to anyone and stays in his room. I believe that his marriage to my step mom was just so he could feel better about himself and have someone to take care of him. He met her through a newspaper ad and went on 2 dates, got married and then spent the next 17 years in his room. She was over 350 pounds and constantly mistaken as a man although she is a genetic woman and she is a control freak that thinks everyone in the world is crazy except her. I also know that my dad had some gay experiences when he was younger, although that isn't related to gender identity. That was before internet though so maybe he just thought he might be gay?

So right now I'm kind of wondering based on what he said and how he has become worse after I came out if he may also be transsexual. What if my coming out brought out the feelings he has been hiding in his room to escape from all these years? He didn't say anything bad about it and seemed like he was perfectly ok about it and even thought it was good that I am able to do it. So it does seem like another clue that it has effected him so much. I know I used to hide in my room at home alone all the time because I didn't want to keep up the act of being a man. People kept saying that I was acting just like him. He is 7 feet tall with a very large frame and size 22 wide shoes so he would never pass is he is trans. Maybe he realizes that and seeing me do what he always wanted to has forced him to think about that again?

I guess that it is all speculation but I sure am worried about what is going on with him and he refuses to talk about it. I mean he is almost 60, married with 7 kids and 5 grandchildren and has no chance of passing so he might feel that coming out would just hurt everyone and do him no good. Does being trans tend to run in families? I also have a great aunt on his side that lived her life as a man with her girlfriend but I call her a her because my family still used female pronouns. Those were the old days and she is no longer around to ask a preference. She minded her breasts, cut her hair, had a deep voice and only wore mens clothes so she was at the very least transgendered in some way.

Do you think I should try to talk to my dad about whether he has trans feelings or just let it go and let him and the mental health professionals try to deal with it?

[Guest AshleyRF]

It IS genetic and DOES run in families. Don't any of you ever fool yourselves into thinking you are the only one in your family. I have recently discovered that I have at least 2 others in my family and not to mention a few that I suspect could have had the feelings but never acted. It is very likely that your father could feel the same.

[Guest Ryles_D]

It IS genetic and DOES run in families. Don't any of you ever fool yourselves into thinking you are the only one in your family. I have recently discovered that I have at least 2 others in my family and not to mention a few that I suspect could have had the feelings but never acted. It is very likely that your father could feel the same.

I'd honestly prefer being the only one in my family. I really have no idea what to do with my mom, and I think she'd have an easier time accepting it if there weren't any close-to-home feelings involved. Assuming there are any.... But it seems Gosh darned likely.

[Guest Janis]

I have mentioned before that my father is transgender. He began transitioning and then stopped due to my Mother. I think my Mom has her own issues but that is a different issue. Needless to say within my family this has been very hard for them to talk to me. Honestly not a word has been spoken about it in 10months. As Ryles said, i would prefer being the unique one in the family.

Janis