Bad Jokes

[Sally]

Two peanuts were walking down the street when they were confronted by a bully, he struck one making him assaulted peanut.

1st person speaking to a friend, "My dog has no nose."

The friend responds, "How does he smell?"

1st person, "Like a dog."

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Sally......you're sick.....

My jokes are better!

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

• If you have bird flu, you need tweetment.
  
• If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment
  

See?

Dee Jay

[Sally]

Albert asks Betty, "What is the difference between an orange and a mail box?"

Betty, "I don't know, what is the difference between an orange and a mail box?"

Albert, "I was going to ask you to mail a letter for me but I changed my mind."

How do you make a Maltese Cross?

Poke him in the eye.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent!

A hole was found in a wooden fence surrounding a nudist resort. The Police are looking into it.

A vulture was walking through the airport with two dead birds.

A flight attendant stopped him and said "Sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed."

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur that can lay down a mean musical beat?

A velocirapper

My mom said "If you keep playing with yourself, you'll go blind"

I said "But mom, I'm over here."

I'd be so petrified to date someone with a lazy eye.

I'd be afraid they're be seeing someone else.

A drunk man walks into church and goes into the confessional booth. The priest is on the other side and he's waiting for the drunk man to confess his sins and he's waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Finally the priest knocks on the partition to get the man's attention. The drunk man replies "No use knocking, pal, there's no toilet paper over here either."

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow....

[Guest Roseate]

so a duck walks up to a lemonade stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any nails

the owner says no

and the duck says good got any grapes

I like the youtube videos that go with that one

Neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, barkeep says, for you, no charge.

[Guest amanda_s]

Okay, so there are two fish in a tank, right?

So one fish says to the other,

...

How the heck are do you drive this thing?

:D

When did Darth Vader become evil?

...

In the Sith grade.

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

...

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

You know you love them, no matter how painful they are.

BAD LOL and funny

[Guest Robin Winter]

so a duck walks up to a lemonade stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any nails

the owner says no

and the duck says good got any grapes

I like the youtube videos that go with that one

Neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, barkeep says, for you, no charge.

Does that mean you understand the duck joke??? Could you please explain it to me?

[Guest Roseate]

Oh the Duck, it's not a joke, its a song, three songs. Just go to youtube and look up the Duck Song.

[Guest Maria_B]

Why are penguins never in the uk, they're afraid of Wales.

Fat penguin. Something to break the ice.

An elf and a troll walk into a bar, the dwarf bursts out laughing ''That Musta' hurt!''

A blonde and a red head meet, the redhead says ''I'm from London, you'' the blonde says ''No, I'm not from London''.

[Guest Mycroft]

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken.

The bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here."

A neutrino walked into a bar.

The Hiigs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says we don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here. The Higgs-Boson says "But without me how can you have mass?"

[Sally]

What is the difference between a folk singer and a puppy?

Eventually the puppy will stop whining.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Where does a General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

[Sally]

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to change the bulb and two to talk about how much better they would have done it.

How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around her.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Paul_London]

conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes.

Sent from iPhone

[Sally]

conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes.

Sent from iPhone

Shouldn't that have been sent from an eyephone.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Beth Andrea]

so a duck walks up to a lemonade stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner says no just lemonade so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any grapes

the owner gets mad and says, If you ask about grapes again I'll nail you to a tree

so the duck leaves

next day the duck walks up to the stand and says you got any nails

the owner says no

and the duck says good got any grapes

I like the youtube videos that go with that one

Neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, barkeep says, for you, no charge.

Does that mean you understand the duck joke??? Could you please explain it to me?

A line was apparently left out in the original post...in the youtube video "nails" is changed to "glue".

The video is funny as heck, my 4month old granddaughter was fascinated by the tune and bright colors.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Dont have Phone sex. it leads to hearing aids

[Guest Heather C E]

I'd tell another chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...

[Guest Maria_B]

I had a dream I was eating a sheep, I woke up with a flock.

I had a dream I was fighting a monster, woke up to find the Tax Collector had been beaten senseless.

I had a dream I was climbing a mountain taller than Everest, turns out I was just trying to find decent DayTime TV.

[Guest Maria_B]

A boy had homework to come to school with 2 things he heard at home and say them to the class. His dad was watching a space show, and shouted ''Take off!'' and later, his sister was watching a show on Animals, featuring a Zebra.

The next day, his teacher asks him to repeat his 2 words to the class. So he says ''Takeoff Zebra''.

[Sally]

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Maria_B]

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

[Sally]

So a Higgs Boson particle walks into a catholic church

A priest walks over to it and says "Hey, you're not allowed in here!" to which the particle replies,

"BUT WITHOUT ME, HOW CAN YOU HAVE MASS!!!!"

Love ya,

Sally

[Sally]

Why do Blind people hate to skydive?

It scares their dogs!

What is green, has eight legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A Snooker Table!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest crissy_oakley]

A man in a bar walks up to two ladies, who are talking with a distinct accent.

He asks them, "Are you two ladies from Ireland?"

Quite irritated, one of the women responds, "It's pronounced Wales."

So he replies, "Are you to Whales from Ireland?"