Confidence?

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

How did you start your RLT? I'm at the point that I need to start mine. I've been on hormones for 9 months now and only have maybe a couple hours worth of being only partially presenting female and that was with family. I haven't cut my hair in 10 months and have my last laser session in about a week for the last couple hairs on my upper lip. I came out to everyone about a half year ago, everyone knows that I'm transitioning, but I feel kind of stuck, lacking the confidence that you need. I've lost most of my family and friends and so I haven't had any support or practice with any of it other than what I can manage to figure out by myself at home with the internet. The people that still talk to me call me Katie. I guess that I'm just really scared to go out in public, and shy to go around people that I know in a private setting. I have never fully dressed female in front of anyone because I'm so afraid that my best won't be good enough.

I do have a very hard background from when I was a child and I think that might be part of the problem. I remember being 2 years old and I thought that I was a girl so I would copy my older sister. I would wear her clothes, put on makeup, try to shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows. I was missing my eyebrows and had cut up legs lol. Well my parents, step mom, brother and his friends weren't ok with it. So they would beat me and strangle me all the time. My mom even kept sending me over to the neighbor that molested me saying because I wanted to be a girl so bad and she could get a free baby sitter. I had my front teeth knocked out and even died one time and was brought back to life in the emergency room after about 4 minutues. So once I got to be about 4 years old I realized that I had to hide wearing girls clothes and stuff. Of course being that young I was still caught, beat and ridiculed for it. By the time I was 5 I started living a lie to be accepted and left alone. I remember bringing knives and beer to kindergarten so people would think that I was tough and a boy.

I kept doing that until a year and a half ago, when I could no longer live a lie. I couldn't do my job in the Army and I broke off my engagement with my ex. I just stayed at home 24/7 since I couldn't deal with keeping up the act. Luckily I had money saved up from the Army and my grandfather's inheritance so I went about 8 months like that. Nobody came over except the pizza guy that I ordered food from about once a week. I was really suicidal. That's when I realized that it was literally transition or either die or spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital.

So now I'm at the point where I have physically made a lot of changes and I get weird looks dressed as a guy but I still present male every where that I go. I was hoping to find friends that would be supportive but even after a year of searching haven't found even one. The best I get is people that think it is weird but willing to talk to me as long as I don't present female around them. There is a small support group for transsexuals in the area but the old lady that used to run it wasn't very nice, when I talked to her online. Now there is a new woman in charge but her mother has been very sick so there hasn't been a meeting yet in months. Plus I have heard that people mostly just complain at the meetings and don't really help each other. It's hard to figure out makeup and clothes yourself or build confidence or work on your voice without someone to practice with.

I just mentioned some of my background so you can understand why it is particularly difficult for me to go out presenting female. How did everyone here first start RLT? Did you just boldly go out to some random place, or sort of phase it in? I'm really getting sick of pretending to be male, especially with my body the way it is plus I really need to start RLT because I plan on getting SRS. Is there a way to get over the fear? I guess that I'm afraid that I won't pass and will get beat and ridiculed all over again. Oh and I haven't been suicidal at all since I started transition, I've actually been happier than I have ever been in my life even with all the problems and hate that I have received for it. It is definitely the right road for me. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing in life it seems to me.

Thanks!

Kaitlyn

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Well I should start with you absolutely pass. Girl you are stunning! You're the kind of girl I would watch all night and never dare have the courage to go talk to.

I guess the best place to start would be maybe going with a couple of friends to some gay clubs or something, just get used to being out there a bit, somewhere where even if you don't pass you ought be reasonably safe. I don't know if you have the voice down, and yeah I know what you mean about trying to practice to yourself, everything I try just sounds weird and totally fake to me. Once you have a little confidence try enrolling on some sort of class as yourself, it can be whatever, computers, cooking, art etc. again that ought to be a reasonably controlled environment, mostly older adults, no teens or other more "dangerous" people.

And I guess try to get used ot the idea of making friends (advice I need to follow myself) maybe make some cards with your phone number and email address on them and find any kind of excuse to give them to people. Often just something like "oh I saw a really good website about that, I'll have to give you the link, what's your email address?" would probably work. Again, I dunno, I'm still trying to recover from anxiety and depression but this is where I want to get to.

After all that, your RLT has to be either studying, working or volunteering as your adopted gender.

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Well I should start with you absolutely pass. Girl you are stunning! You're the kind of girl I would watch all night and never dare have the courage to go talk to.

I guess the best place to start would be maybe going with a couple of friends to some gay clubs or something, just get used to being out there a bit, somewhere where even if you don't pass you ought be reasonably safe. I don't know if you have the voice down, and yeah I know what you mean about trying to practice to yourself, everything I try just sounds weird and totally fake to me. Once you have a little confidence try enrolling on some sort of class as yourself, it can be whatever, computers, cooking, art etc. again that ought to be a reasonably controlled environment, mostly older adults, no teens or other more "dangerous" people.

And I guess try to get used ot the idea of making friends (advice I need to follow myself) maybe make some cards with your phone number and email address on them and find any kind of excuse to give them to people. Often just something like "oh I saw a really good website about that, I'll have to give you the link, what's your email address?" would probably work. Again, I dunno, I'm still trying to recover from anxiety and depression but this is where I want to get to.

After all that, your RLT has to be either studying, working or volunteering as your adopted gender.

Well thanks! That is about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I actually am trying to get my one bi friend to go to the gay club here. She is nervous about the idea too though. I think that I would still have to go as a guy first though just to see what it is like there. I'm sure it's ok but like I said I'm really having trouble finding the confidence to go out much presenting female. I would be outed though since I haven't changed my name yet, don't even look like the same person on my ID and can't get my gender changed on it until I get SRS in my state.

[Carolyn Marie]

Self confidence is an amazing thing, Kaitlyn. With it, one can do wonders and succeed even when success seems unlikely. I think you need a dose

of self confidence, because gauging you just from your photo, you should have lots of it by now.

Let me tell you about me for just a moment. I'm 55, short, a little overweight, and definitely not what most people would think of as feminine in appearance.

I have not started HRT yet, nor have I had more than one laser treatment on my face.

Yet, I have been out in public four times dressed en femme, had wonderful experiences each time, had my complexion praised by a genetic woman, had

a man look at me and give me an approving "wow," and been given makeup advice in a cosmetics shop in the mall without raising an eyebrow.

Do I think its because I'm such a beauty; my gosh no! I think it has to do with the fact that I believe in myself as a woman, act in a confident manner,

look both men and women in the eye, and behave as though I belong.

Give yourself a chance, hon. Believe in yourself, and everyone else will too. Take the first big step and go out into that big world as the Kaitlyn you know you

are. If someone makes you, so what? Laugh it off and go about your business. Its their problem, not yours. You;re a beautiful woman, you deserve your chance

in the sun.

Go strut your stuff, girl.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest julia_d]

RLT .. live it.. it's you. and it gets easier until one day you don't know anything else to be. Yeah there will be knocks and bigots.. but they don't matter. That's part of the test.. not letting them win.

[Guest AshleyRF]

Going to the local gay club is a great way to build confidence. People always want to dance with you at gay clubs and you are always treated so nicely there.

Funny story about when I started my RLT. I was actually about 2 or 3 months in to my RLT before I even realized that I was doing it. It just sorta happened for me without much thought and one day I was on my way home from work and I just happened to look at myself in the rear view mirror and the thought hit me "OMG, you have been living fulltime for months now!!!" It was an amazing feeling. I really felt proud of myself for taking charge of my life and making it the life I've always wanted.

I hope you can build you confidence because judging from your pic, you are a very lovely lady.

Hugs

Ash

[Guest julia_d]

Gay clubs are friendly? .. oddly they are more transphobic than the general straight bars where I live.. There is a big rift between the LGB and T communities in the UK .. and it doesn't seem to be improving.

Remember dress stereotypes are just that.. something out of the arc.. it's been years since women were "required" to wear skirts.. apart from in some dinosaur work environments where they could be challenged under sex discrimination laws.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

For me, I started my (unofficial) RLT just by phasing it in. It all started with just a few test days to see how it went, how I would be treated, if I would even pass and how much I read about that would be put into practice. So a weekend here and there I would do the girl thing and every time it went wonderfully, had no major problems, a few minor mistakes here and there that were either insignificant or in a place I wasn't going back to anyway so I didn't panic much about it.

Then eventually a weekend a month turned into a weekend every 2 weeks......and then every weekend...and then at the tail end of one of those weekends I thought "what the hey..let's just keep doing this."

and then I realized I could only get away with certain things for so long that I'd eventually have to get my name changed in cases I needed to show ID or I got carded or someone asked for ID when I used my debit or credit cards.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, as you can see...there is not a "model" for coming out...it's as varied as there are people!

Some come out quickly...look at Joanna...her group wanted her to RLE before HRT so out she came!

Me? I'm taking it slowly over time...just like my therapist wanted me to do.

So, there's no set patteren.....just whatever works best for you...

But, most agree on one thing...the further out you come, the easier the the next step becomes!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Flint]

This idea of RLT puts the fear of god into me...But i realised the other day that i've kinda already started....very slowly mind and only little things. Like for example last year before summer i went to a get back to learning course (I've been housebound for years so i had to slowly get back into the idea of learning and society) andi went there as Matt. I now go to a photography group sometimes as Matt. So far i've not had anyone ask or be weird about my gender...At least not to my face....I think with the RLT we just have to go at our own pace.....Next up for me is changing my name legally.......I have to say....I'm scared (swear word here) but here we go......Up and away we go...the boy i was always suppsoed tyo be shall be born into society finally......

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

For me I didn't even do a RLT I just started to live as a female from day one of deciding to come out to the world. I told my primary care what was up and he wrote me a script for estrogen and that was it. I think I was more afraid of living one more day as a man and that's what drove me more than anything. I did have a few problems but not enough to cause me to change my mind. I taught myself makeup and everything else I needed to do. But my point is to just get out there and start living your life because i will pass you by if you don't.

Love

Charlene Leona

[Guest viv]

Hi Kaitlyn,

Hun , you are absolutely gorgeous looking , go for it .

If you get strange looks trying to pass as male then take the

easy route ,,,,your a woman , be one . I read some of the

women went to Gay clubs to begin with ,,sounds good ,I will.

Dump ALL your mens stuff into a charity shop ,,,luv,viv

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Hi Kaitlyn,

Hun , you are absolutely gorgeous looking , go for it .

If you get strange looks trying to pass as male then take the

easy route ,,,,your a woman , be one . I read some of the

women went to Gay clubs to begin with ,,sounds good ,I will.

Dump ALL your mens stuff into a charity shop ,,,luv,viv

Thanks everyone! Well even if I was ready to dump my male clothes I don't have enough female clothes. Since I've been going out androgynous looking so far and I've been having money problems, all my clothes I have ordered on Ebay. Well most of them don't fit or look bad on me so I only have a poor selection.

I'm not really sure what people think I am at the moment when I go as a guy. Some people think that I'm like 15 since my facial hair is gone and hormones make you look a lot younger when still presenting male. Others might think that I'm female or maybe gay. lol I actually feel like a FTM at times since I have to bind my breasts and hide my hips. I'm a large B cup and since they're still growing I'm hoping to be a C. They actually grew too fast this past month and I have little stretch marks. They aren't bad so they should go away if they don't keep up the growth spurt. I'm never going to complain about them growing to slow again lol.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

How did you start your RLT? I'm at the point that I need to start mine. I've been on hormones for 9 months now and only have maybe a couple hours worth of being only partially presenting female and that was with family. I haven't cut my hair in 10 months and have my last laser session in about a week for the last couple hairs on my upper lip. I came out to everyone about a half year ago, everyone knows that I'm transitioning, but I feel kind of stuck, lacking the confidence that you need. I've lost most of my family and friends and so I haven't had any support or practice with any of it other than what I can manage to figure out by myself at home with the internet. The people that still talk to me call me Katie. I guess that I'm just really scared to go out in public, and shy to go around people that I know in a private setting. I have never fully dressed female in front of anyone because I'm so afraid that my best won't be good enough.

I do have a very hard background from when I was a child and I think that might be part of the problem. I remember being 2 years old and I thought that I was a girl so I would copy my older sister. I would wear her clothes, put on makeup, try to shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows. I was missing my eyebrows and had cut up legs lol. Well my parents, step mom, brother and his friends weren't ok with it. So they would beat me and strangle me all the time. My mom even kept sending me over to the neighbor that molested me saying because I wanted to be a girl so bad and she could get a free baby sitter. I had my front teeth knocked out and even died one time and was brought back to life in the emergency room after about 4 minutues. So once I got to be about 4 years old I realized that I had to hide wearing girls clothes and stuff. Of course being that young I was still caught, beat and ridiculed for it. By the time I was 5 I started living a lie to be accepted and left alone. I remember bringing knives and beer to kindergarten so people would think that I was tough and a boy.

I kept doing that until a year and a half ago, when I could no longer live a lie. I couldn't do my job in the Army and I broke off my engagement with my ex. I just stayed at home 24/7 since I couldn't deal with keeping up the act. Luckily I had money saved up from the Army and my grandfather's inheritance so I went about 8 months like that. Nobody came over except the pizza guy that I ordered food from about once a week. I was really suicidal. That's when I realized that it was literally transition or either die or spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital.

So now I'm at the point where I have physically made a lot of changes and I get weird looks dressed as a guy but I still present male every where that I go. I was hoping to find friends that would be supportive but even after a year of searching haven't found even one. The best I get is people that think it is weird but willing to talk to me as long as I don't present female around them. There is a small support group for transsexuals in the area but the old lady that used to run it wasn't very nice, when I talked to her online. Now there is a new woman in charge but her mother has been very sick so there hasn't been a meeting yet in months. Plus I have heard that people mostly just complain at the meetings and don't really help each other. It's hard to figure out makeup and clothes yourself or build confidence or work on your voice without someone to practice with.

I just mentioned some of my background so you can understand why it is particularly difficult for me to go out presenting female. How did everyone here first start RLT? Did you just boldly go out to some random place, or sort of phase it in? I'm really getting sick of pretending to be male, especially with my body the way it is plus I really need to start RLT because I plan on getting SRS. Is there a way to get over the fear? I guess that I'm afraid that I won't pass and will get beat and ridiculed all over again. Oh and I haven't been suicidal at all since I started transition, I've actually been happier than I have ever been in my life even with all the problems and hate that I have received for it. It is definitely the right road for me. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing in life it seems to me.

Thanks!

Kaitlyn

I am one of those unfortunate few who had to begin RLE with out hormones. Do what I did, just get some good outfits and do it girl, confidence is 85% of the game, hold your head up and just be the woman you know you are. It is scary first few times but that wears off fast.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Kaitlyn:

Only now did I discover this thread. Funny thing that its 2 hours and 13 minutes from being a year from the very day you posted it. Sorry to be sooooo late answering you, but this is a VERY important post you've made here, I believe.

First, I'm so sorry you went through such abuse growing up. That's so sad. Sure, I went through some too but nothing like you did. Hope that time will diminish those memories for you.

Second, I must agree with the others about many things. For one, thing, you are majorly gorgeous, and that's no lie. Some people just HAVE IT in the looks department. They are blessed. You are one of them. Be happy about that, because you should be.

Third, the others here make a great point. Take their advice and just do it. Their replies to you cheered me up considerably, because I'm facing the exact same issue you write about here myself, and it's VERY difficult to deal with. Unless somebody has felt like this too, they cannot understand what you are going through.

Since a year has passed since you posted this originally, we'd be interested to know how you're doing. Hopefully, you're doing very well and are becoming happier all the time.

[guest]

Lets see, if I were in your shoes....

First off, I'm really shy also (so just going all girl suddenly would be pretty impossible). So, instead, I would go slower. I would start taking smaller trips out of the house (I would probably take the stairs instead of the elevator too, to avoid being stuck with someone at first).

Maybe the first trip would be simply dressing up and going for a drive. Next maybe order from a drive-through. And then keep doing more things to show yourself it really won't be so bad and build up confidence. Eventually doing bigger things like going to dinner or a movie with some friends (both tend to be darker places with more comfort to keep stress down).

Some people do the "jump into the pool" thing and try to "sink or swim".... but, if you know that will just give you a panic attack, probably best to go a different direction

[Guest doodle]

I think you will find that it will just happen. It so scary and frightening at the beginning but you will come to a time when you will over come you're fear and be on your way. Don't you get the question or loud remarks Are you/ or that a man or a women question? guys can be really get mean about that. You look like you are at the point where you won't pass as a guy and it will start to feel dangerous going out as a guy. Museums are great places to start. always safe, malls. I'm not big on bars.

Kelly

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Wow I just noticed this. That was a long time ago...I basically just wore guys clothes until people started calling me mam and thinking I was weird for wearing guy clothes lol. Plus I think getting into a lesbian relationship helped a lot.

[Guest DésiréeG]

first, I started going presenting female to local TS support groups. Then, when I could, I would go out, say to a movie or grocery shopping, usually with a supportive friend. This lead to spending weekend presenting female, just doing my normal things - movies, the comic book store, hanging out with friends, whatever... For a couple weeks over summer, I went on vacation and stayed with a lesbian friend in San Francisco where I was able to "test drive" what being full time was like. Seven months from coming out, I wrote a letter to the director of the place I worked at explaining that I was TS and would like to present as female at work. After a couple of months of preparation, I started doing that. And suddenly, my RLT had begun!

[Drea]

How did everyone here first start RLT?

With a legal name change. Everything before that was just playing at full time.

Where was your therapist in all this Kaitlyn? Usually by the time one gets to the point of RLT one is in therapy, typically has a support group, and it kind of naturally happens.