Told The Wife Today

[Guest sarah f]

Well I had a day from heck today. After some thing that happened today with the wife, I ended up coming out to her and it did not go the way I was hoping. I showed her my first post on the site after I tried to explain that it was not my choice but something that I needed to explore for myself to be happy. She started crying which made me start to tear up but was trying to hold it in so that I could tell her why I needed to do this. She did not take it well at all. She basically told me that I am only thinking about myself and not about her or the kids. I know she was in shock but I at least wanted her to understand where I was coming from. She basically told me that if I decide to transition that she would not be able to stay with me. I was hoping for more but what can I expect right after I told her.

I told her that this was not the time I wanted to come out to her but I wanted to see a therapist first. We ended with her telling me to go do what I need to do with the therapist but she did not want to go with me. We talked for about one hour and half before I had to go pick up my daughter from daycare.

I don't know what to do now. If I go to the therapist and confirm what I already think I should do, than that will mean the end of our marriage if she doesn't change her mind. I can only hope that that after time she will understand me and will accept me and my decision.

I hope this isn't the norm for everyone that I eventually tell.

Very Discouraged,

Sarah F

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

aww sorry Sarah *huge hug* it's so tough, she didn't slap you and walk straight out the door tho hun, she may come around in time. She's accusing you of thinking only about yourself but clearly she's only thinking about herself. Thing is it's human nature that the first thing we think is how does this effect me? was this all a huge surprise to her, or did she like know you cross dressed or anything like that? I guess what you have to explain to her is that you love her and the kids very, very much, and you've been worried for so long about hurting them, but that you're finally having to think about yourself just a little because if you don't this will tear you apart. You want to be a good husband and a father, but you have to be able to look at yourself without hating yourself to do that.

You need to explore this, but you also need her and you need both to be happy.

And of course you need to explain the whole thing, how you aren't going to change, you're still yourself, you'll just be more free to be honest.

Since you've already showed her this place, perhaps you can suggest she talk to some of the other S.O.s here. I'm not sure if a mod can let you create a second account with the same IP, but there must other couples living together who both have accounts tho.

Try and keep your chin up hun, think of it like a negotiation, at least she's still in the room. give her some time then try to get her back to the table.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sarah....

Honey.....I'm sorry that it didn't happen the way you had hoped..and I know that you weren't quite ready yet..sometimes it happens before you get everything in order...

The first thing that you need to do is keep all channels of communication open..

Let her digest some of this...try not to keep showing her things to make her understand..wait until she is more receptive..

Show plenty of love and give her some space...

Let her know that you have absolutely NO intent of running off...

You love her and the kids very much...

Sarah...these aren't set rules...you know her best and can probably read her moods better than anyone....

Sweetheart...Listen...

Stay with us here...there are plenty of people that have been through this and can be of enormous help to you and her...

I truly am sorry that it had this effect so far....

Give it a chance, though...It CAN work!

With Love & Hope

Donna Jean

[Guest NatashaJade]

Oh, Sarah. I'm so sorry this didn't happen the way you wanted it to. It is an incredibly hard thing to tell your wife and an incredibly hard thing for her to hear. She thinks she loves the man who is a person and not the person who seems to be a man, if you understand what I mean. My wife and I have conversations about this all the time. She tells me that she has to keep reminding herself that I will not be someone else, just the correct version of me.

However, when I first came out to her, she reacted much like your wife did. It has taken a lot of months to get her to be supportive of me and she still has doubts and reservations. What she does know is that I am not going anywhere and I love her more than ever. There will be a big period of adjustment for the both of you, but you need to talk a lot and know when to back off and let her cry and deal with the loss of her husband as she thought she knew that person. There will be grief and she may not come around, but be patient with her and let her understand that you did not choose this inasmuch as someone with muscular dystrophy did not choose that or cancer did not choose that. Help her understand that this is a medical condition that has a cure of a kind and you need her help and support to recover.

I wish you all the best, dear one. This will be the hardest part of it for you.

luv

Gin

[Sally]

Dear Sarah,

I am so sorry that this has happened, I don't know exactly what will happen - no one does.

My wife was only concerned that I might leave her for almost 4 months before she left one morning to go to work and never came home.

The initial reaction is always shock and disbelief but time will tell if she will be able to accept you as the woman you are rather than the man she thought you were.

She is feeling betrayed right now and she was worried about what you were hiding from her so now that she knows she must digest it all and determine that all that you have done was out of love for her and the children as well as a fear of losing them.

You did not set out to deceive her and you did not plan on continuing once you had a professional's confirmation that your self diagnosis was correct.

What she does with all of the information is entirely up to her - you cannot stop the feelings and she cannot stop or control her's - if she can accept you she will, I hope that she does but there is always the other possibility.

Do take care of yourself, love her and never stop loving her - I do not hold any animosity toward my ex (her family is another matter) she left because of outside influences and I do not hate her for that, I feel very sorry for her because in the end I will live the rest of my life as me and she will continue to be who her family tells her to be.

I am here anytime that you need to talk.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Danielle J]

I can understand where you are at, I came out to my wife about a month and a half ago. She was very upset even though she has known about my cross dressing for years and has even got me outfits.

I haven't pushed it just letting it sink in, she has actually been styling my hair the past couple of weeks, and I gave her a pedicure. I think she has always known that I was different, I just hope that she can learn to live with the real me.

Love Danielle

[Guest Robin Winter]

I think that's probably the initial reaction of most S.O.'s. My wife pretty much reacted the same way, but she and I are now working through it. Just give her some time to get past the shock, and when she's ready, you may be able to discuss it properly.

Good luck.

*Hugs*

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Sarah,

Honey, I am afraid to tell you that more often than not, marriages fail after one of the spouses indicate that they are transgendered. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but you must know the truth. Some marriages remain strongly intact. Those are, I consider, very special relationships. Typically however, (let's focus on MTF for the discussion) the wife who thought she married a man is intolerant of the idea that she actually married a woman. Regardless of the usual tripe of "why did you lie to me?" or "why did you hide this from me?" the fact of the matter is this.... she married someone who she thought she knew as one gender only to be confronted with the reality that you are, in reality, female. That can be completely unacceptable to her.

I cannot tell you how your marriage will end up, but I can tell you this... your child will always love you. If your marriage results in divorce, your time spent as a loving father and husband will not be lost. In reality, your role simply changes, but your importance remains constant.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who is divorced, who has come out to the ex, the kids, and is accepted for who I am.

Love

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Sarah, you've gotten some wonderful and heartfelt advice. I agree with all of my sisters here.

It is true that it takes the spouse a while usually to sort through their feelings and come to some reasoned conclusion. Sometimes it takes months. Don't push her

too hard. Give her time to "grieve" for the man she thinks she lost. Tell her you will be there whenever she wants to talk about it. Reassure her that you are not

transitioning just to "be with a man." That is what my wife thought, and still brings it up from time to time.

It is imperative that you take her feelings into account with everything. It will be hard for both of you, but now that you've cleared the air, I hope you will feel less

stress and she will come to terms with her feelings. Ask your therapist for advice on where to go from here.

We are here for you, hon. I wish you both the best.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest viv]

Hi Sarah,

Oh my Hun, what heartbreaking news. I am so sorry for you .

As others have said, maybe your wife will come around and soften

towards your needs , I hope she does. I would strongly suggest you

let her know you are not deserting her or the children, impress upon

her you are doing this not out of choice but for your health"s sake .

I am hoping for you Sarah, viv.

[Guest sarah f]

Thank You all for your kind and loving responses. I can't help but cry when I read them. I knew deep down inside that this may happen but was hoping that she might understand. She has always only seen things in black and white. There is no middle. Maybe with time she will realize that I did not ask for this, that it was not my choice and hopefully come around.

The only thing good that came from the conversation was that she did not leave right away. She didn't say much to me the rest of the night. She only asked me to go get milk and bread, which I did to give her time alone. I worry about her and what she is thinking. I can't stop crying while writing this but need to before others show up to work.

Hopfully after a some sessions with the therapist, maybe she will be more willing to go with me to work things out.

Thank You all again for your responses.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Well I had a day from heck today. After some thing that happened today with the wife, I ended up coming out to her and it did not go the way I was hoping. I showed her my first post on the site after I tried to explain that it was not my choice but something that I needed to explore for myself to be happy. She started crying which made me start to tear up but was trying to hold it in so that I could tell her why I needed to do this. She did not take it well at all. She basically told me that I am only thinking about myself and not about her or the kids. I know she was in shock but I at least wanted her to understand where I was coming from. She basically told me that if I decide to transition that she would not be able to stay with me. I was hoping for more but what can I expect right after I told her.

I told her that this was not the time I wanted to come out to her but I wanted to see a therapist first. We ended with her telling me to go do what I need to do with the therapist but she did not want to go with me. We talked for about one hour and half before I had to go pick up my daughter from daycare.

I don't know what to do now. If I go to the therapist and confirm what I already think I should do, than that will mean the end of our marriage if she doesn't change her mind. I can only hope that that after time she will understand me and will accept me and my decision.

I hope this isn't the norm for everyone that I eventually tell.

Very Discouraged,

Sarah F

Dear sweet Sarah

I am sure others have said this to you, but what your wife is going through is a standard reaction. It's a mixture of shock, grief and anger all of the emotions will pass in time, however it wont be overnight. It doesnt make it any easier for you, I well know this, and all of us, or nearly all of us, have gone through it to lesser or worse degrees. When I came out to my wife I faced all of the anger and vitriol, with every word feeling like cold steel ripping my heart and soul appart. There is great hope in the fact that she didn't toss you out or storm out herself, it gives you both room to work on it. Right now, as others have said, give her the space and time to grieve. Be ready to answer questions but I found it usefull if I wasnt the one to bring the subject up, that way you don't appear to be pushing her.

Seven months down the road my wife and I are back to being a settled and productive couple, i bring this up only to ilustrate that there is hope because right now I know it feels like your world just caved in on you.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Please hang in there, Sarah.....

This, right now is the very hardest time for both you AND her...

Let her breathe.........

Good luck, Baby!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Kayliegh]

Sarah -

I'm so sorry to hear about you and your SO.

I told my SO back in October and after a very turbulent three months, my SO and I are in therapy together, working things out.

Please find a therapist ASAP – they will help you through this!

BIG HUGS! - Kayleigh

[Sally]

Sarah, Sweetie,

Go to the website that I gave you for your therapist and look at her specialties - along with the gender related and low self esteem - she does relationships.

Let your wife know that if she ever wants to go to a session with you it would not be all about you and your issues but about the two of you and the changing dynamics of your relationship.

But do not pressure her - go to your first session and see how you like her and how comfortable you would feel about having your wife talk to her.

And please do let me know how things are going.

Love ya,

Sally