I'm Scared Of Destroying The Relationship I Have With My Older Brother.

[Guest Cerulean]

I am going to be moving out in a couple months so I can seek a job and begin transitioning, and I know I need to tell my brother (and the rest of my family that doesn't know, for that matter), before I leave.

He has a very brotherly relationship towards me. I had a pretty heart to heart moment with him the other night. We got on the subject of me leaving, I told him that I have to leave, he didn't understand why I had to leave. I said I couldn't tell him yet, but there is a reason why I absolutely need to leave. He told me that I shouldn't leave because Mom needs me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I told him that I can't sacrifice my life and stay here for her. He said that he knows, and then we just sat in silence for a bit, mostly because I probably would have ended up seriously crying if I had to open my mouth. His girlfriend (who was with us at the time) actually ended up crying because of the sad conversation, but mostly because it got her to thinking about her father. He told her that I'm the only one of our siblings that he could talk like that with.

He's all but said that he will miss me a lot when I leave, and I know he wants me to stay very much. He is not very accepting of homosexuals or transsexuals, not every accepting at all.

How do I tell my brother, who loves me in a very brotherly way, that I'm not his brother at all, that I'm his sister? It'll change our relationship completely and forever, and thats what I'm afraid of.

[Guest SuperKali]

That's rough.. I haven't told anyone yet, but my little sister told me a couple months ago that I'm not her brother. That I'm her older sister. This was of course pleasing to me. She is still the only person who uses female pronouns and such while talking about me. She will definitely be the most accepting person about it.

I'm sorry that you don't think you will have that with your brother Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised!!

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey.....

Whether he may be accepting of Trans or gays......

He's never had a sister...

Actually, he sounds very loving.

There are lots of ways to come out to someone...

But you need to pick a time, place and know what you want to say to him....

Start slow...

There is really no other way to do it....

You could, of course, move away and tell him by phone or e-mail.

But, wouldn't you rather tell him up front....?

It does sound as if the two of you can talk....

Think about, Honey....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

How do I tell my brother, who loves me in a very brotherly way, that I'm not his brother at all, that I'm his sister? It'll change our relationship completely and forever, and thats what I'm afraid of.

You just do. You have to tell him eventually. He may or may not be what you think he is toward gender dysphoria. He needs to understand (1) this is not a choice - you are born this way (2) it is not a life style choice - and you wouldn't wish it on anybody (3) it is not a sexual orientation - its EVERYTHING about gender - very little about sex.

And then you see what happens?

Sick feelings I know thinking about that. I told my wife (grudging acceptance) my son (complete and unconditional acceptance) my older daughter (questioning acceptance, rejection by her husband) and my middle daughter (complete acceptance by she and her husband).

My wife outed me to my sisters (long story) total output of love, but total rejection. She also outed me to her sister and her sister's husband (questioning acceptance).

I don't have a brother. And I am older.

BUT you have to tell your family - you just have to!

Be prepared for a lot of time required for digestion of what you say. Also know that your presentation is a strong clue as how they should react. You MUST be VERY positive and very convincing. You need to convey this is a decision made will a huge anount of forethought. You have to convey how miserable you have been and how this transition will so improve your life! AND never never never show any tendancy to change your mind or compromise!

Say "I'm FULL SPEED AHEAD - just wanna tell ya! Would really like your support even if you cannot understand!"

Thats how it's done.

My opinion - Lizzy

[Guest 91curiouskitten]

im jus gunna psot so I can follow up this discussion I'm in the EXACT same baot, although my brothers not quite so sentimental, its mroe or elss same situation, Good luck and I hope things work out for the best

[Guest Cerulean]

Thanks for the well wishes Kali.

Donna, actually we have two sisters, my brother loves them because they are family, but he doesn't really like them, if you know what I mean. I have an idea of what I want to say to him, but it'll be so hard. I don't want to tell him by phone or e-mail, its very important to me that I tell him face-to-face, since I think he'll take it the hardest (except maybe my cousin, he is very close with me as well).

Lizzy, thanks for the tips, I think they'll be very helpful.

Thanks Kitten, I wish you the best as well.

[Guest Cerulean]

So I haven't come out to my brother yet, but I've come out to nearly everyone else, so I'll talk about that.

I posted a coming out letter on facebook and sent the same thing in email to most of my relatives whether they were on facebook or not, to ensure they read it.

First, one friend from high school replies, completely accepting me and saying she'll support my decision.

The day after, my dad called me, well he talked to my mom first. I got the impression that he doesn't want me to transition, but he told me that he will support my decision, and he said his main concern was about depression and suicide. He also said he wouldn't allow other family members to mock me or anything like that. One of my sister's told me that my father said he would protect me if I moved there.

My grandfather sent an email, he said: "Thanks for your honesty. I would like to discuss this with you and I will be more compassionate than you would think. Is there a phone number where I can reach you? I believe this would best be discussed on a more personal level than the Internet." I sent him my phone number, he hasn't called yet.

My aunt said she loves me no matter what. She also said that while she doesn't really know what to say, she is happy to be a listener if I ever want to call her. She said she knows that what I am going through must be scary and confusing (it certainly can be). She said that she knows judgements at this point aren't going to be helpful, and that right now I need to know that my family loves me and will try and be a support any way they can.

She told my cousin Jennifer (name changed) about everything, and the first words out of her mouth were, "Wow, the family is going to need to be really supportive through all of this."

My brother's girlfriend read the coming out letter on facebook. She said that she thinks there is nothing wrong with the decision I'm making. That I'm "freaking awesome", and she loves hanging out with me and considers me family. She told me to think nothing of it if people talk bad about me. And she said that whatever I decide is my choice and she'll follow me through it.

I never thought I would get such positive reactions ;_;, I feel truly loved. What my cousin said especially touched me. And now that my brother's girlfriend knows, she can help me tell him. It would be easier for me if someone who knows and accepts me is there, and I think my brother would have an easier time if she was there too.

Everything's just working out so nicely so far.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Good for you! Thank you for the update! Sometimes we worry and worry and worry, and it all works out!

Lizzy

[Guest Ryles_D]

I think your brother´s reaction will surprise you, Cerulean. He may feel betrayed and confused and angry at first, it´s a lot to take in so I won´t say that he´ll be as awesome as the rest of your family has been (congrats!), but it sounds like he really cares about you, and having his girlfriend on your side will help because he can talk to her about it. I think a chunk of homo/trans -phobia comes from ignorance. There are a lot bad stereotypes about us, and people see us as freaks. When someone you love is trans, you have to confront that and realize that it's not always the case. It sounds like he really cares about you, so even if it takes him some time he'll probably come to terms with it.

Also- why do you have to leave home to transition? Have you told your parents and they basically said "As long as you're living under our roof you're living as a boy"?

[Guest Cerulean]

Good for you! Thank you for the update! Sometimes we worry and worry and worry, and it all works out!

Lizzy

Yep

I think your brother´s reaction will surprise you, Cerulean. He may feel betrayed and confused and angry at first, it´s a lot to take in so I won´t say that he´ll be as awesome as the rest of your family has been (congrats!), but it sounds like he really cares about you, and having his girlfriend on your side will help because he can talk to her about it. I think a chunk of homo/trans -phobia comes from ignorance. There are a lot bad stereotypes about us, and people see us as freaks. When someone you love is trans, you have to confront that and realize that it's not always the case. It sounds like he really cares about you, so even if it takes him some time he'll probably come to terms with it.

Also- why do you have to leave home to transition? Have you told your parents and they basically said "As long as you're living under our roof you're living as a boy"?

Yes, I am still worried about his reaction. His girlfriend said she wouldn't mind being there when I tell him, but she also said "he kinda knows". I'm trying to find out exactly what "kinda" means right now I agree that most transphobia and homophobia comes from ignorance. Most people think its just some crazy psychosomatic illness with no science behind it.

I have to leave home to transition because there are no known gender therapists within an hours drive away. Well, I don't even think there are any in this state. There are two places listed on Laura's Gender Therapists page, but both look like organizations to promote knowledge of gender issues, not like places I could go for actual gender therapy. Regardless, both places are hours away by car. I really have no choice but to leave.

My mother lives here, my father lives in Virginia (they are separated), Virginia actually has gender therapists and I could actually get a job there, making it an ideal place to move to.