Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I'm Scared Of Destroying The Relationship I Have With My Older Brother.


Guest Cerulean

Recommended Posts

Guest Cerulean

I am going to be moving out in a couple months so I can seek a job and begin transitioning, and I know I need to tell my brother (and the rest of my family that doesn't know, for that matter), before I leave.

He has a very brotherly relationship towards me. I had a pretty heart to heart moment with him the other night. We got on the subject of me leaving, I told him that I have to leave, he didn't understand why I had to leave. I said I couldn't tell him yet, but there is a reason why I absolutely need to leave. He told me that I shouldn't leave because Mom needs me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I told him that I can't sacrifice my life and stay here for her. He said that he knows, and then we just sat in silence for a bit, mostly because I probably would have ended up seriously crying if I had to open my mouth. His girlfriend (who was with us at the time) actually ended up crying because of the sad conversation, but mostly because it got her to thinking about her father. He told her that I'm the only one of our siblings that he could talk like that with.

He's all but said that he will miss me a lot when I leave, and I know he wants me to stay very much. He is not very accepting of homosexuals or transsexuals, not every accepting at all.

How do I tell my brother, who loves me in a very brotherly way, that I'm not his brother at all, that I'm his sister? It'll change our relationship completely and forever, and thats what I'm afraid of.

Link to comment
Guest SuperKali

That's rough.. I haven't told anyone yet, but my little sister told me a couple months ago that I'm not her brother. That I'm her older sister. This was of course pleasing to me. She is still the only person who uses female pronouns and such while talking about me. She will definitely be the most accepting person about it.

I'm sorry that you don't think you will have that with your brother :( Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised!!

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Honey.....

Whether he may be accepting of Trans or gays......

He's never had a sister...

Actually, he sounds very loving.

There are lots of ways to come out to someone...

But you need to pick a time, place and know what you want to say to him....

Start slow...

There is really no other way to do it....

You could, of course, move away and tell him by phone or e-mail.

But, wouldn't you rather tell him up front....?

It does sound as if the two of you can talk....

Think about, Honey....

LOVE

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

How do I tell my brother, who loves me in a very brotherly way, that I'm not his brother at all, that I'm his sister? It'll change our relationship completely and forever, and thats what I'm afraid of.

You just do. You have to tell him eventually. He may or may not be what you think he is toward gender dysphoria. He needs to understand (1) this is not a choice - you are born this way (2) it is not a life style choice - and you wouldn't wish it on anybody (3) it is not a sexual orientation - its EVERYTHING about gender - very little about sex.

And then you see what happens?

Sick feelings I know thinking about that. I told my wife (grudging acceptance) my son (complete and unconditional acceptance) my older daughter (questioning acceptance, rejection by her husband) and my middle daughter (complete acceptance by she and her husband).

My wife outed me to my sisters (long story) total output of love, but total rejection. She also outed me to her sister and her sister's husband (questioning acceptance).

I don't have a brother. And I am older.

BUT you have to tell your family - you just have to!

Be prepared for a lot of time required for digestion of what you say. Also know that your presentation is a strong clue as how they should react. You MUST be VERY positive and very convincing. You need to convey this is a decision made will a huge anount of forethought. You have to convey how miserable you have been and how this transition will so improve your life! AND never never never show any tendancy to change your mind or compromise!

Say "I'm FULL SPEED AHEAD - just wanna tell ya! Would really like your support even if you cannot understand!"

Thats how it's done.

My opinion - Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest 91curiouskitten

im jus gunna psot so I can follow up this discussion I'm in the EXACT same baot, although my brothers not quite so sentimental, its mroe or elss same situation, Good luck and I hope things work out for the best :)

Link to comment
Guest Cerulean

Thanks for the well wishes Kali.

Donna, actually we have two sisters, my brother loves them because they are family, but he doesn't really like them, if you know what I mean. I have an idea of what I want to say to him, but it'll be so hard. I don't want to tell him by phone or e-mail, its very important to me that I tell him face-to-face, since I think he'll take it the hardest (except maybe my cousin, he is very close with me as well).

Lizzy, thanks for the tips, I think they'll be very helpful.

Thanks Kitten, I wish you the best as well.

Link to comment
Guest Cerulean

So I haven't come out to my brother yet, but I've come out to nearly everyone else, so I'll talk about that.

I posted a coming out letter on facebook and sent the same thing in email to most of my relatives whether they were on facebook or not, to ensure they read it.

First, one friend from high school replies, completely accepting me and saying she'll support my decision.

The day after, my dad called me, well he talked to my mom first. I got the impression that he doesn't want me to transition, but he told me that he will support my decision, and he said his main concern was about depression and suicide. He also said he wouldn't allow other family members to mock me or anything like that. One of my sister's told me that my father said he would protect me if I moved there.

My grandfather sent an email, he said: "Thanks for your honesty. I would like to discuss this with you and I will be more compassionate than you would think. Is there a phone number where I can reach you? I believe this would best be discussed on a more personal level than the Internet." I sent him my phone number, he hasn't called yet.

My aunt said she loves me no matter what. She also said that while she doesn't really know what to say, she is happy to be a listener if I ever want to call her. She said she knows that what I am going through must be scary and confusing (it certainly can be). She said that she knows judgements at this point aren't going to be helpful, and that right now I need to know that my family loves me and will try and be a support any way they can.

She told my cousin Jennifer (name changed) about everything, and the first words out of her mouth were, "Wow, the family is going to need to be really supportive through all of this."

My brother's girlfriend read the coming out letter on facebook. She said that she thinks there is nothing wrong with the decision I'm making. That I'm "freaking awesome", and she loves hanging out with me and considers me family. She told me to think nothing of it if people talk bad about me. And she said that whatever I decide is my choice and she'll follow me through it.

I never thought I would get such positive reactions ;_;, I feel truly loved. What my cousin said especially touched me. And now that my brother's girlfriend knows, she can help me tell him. It would be easier for me if someone who knows and accepts me is there, and I think my brother would have an easier time if she was there too.

Everything's just working out so nicely so far.

Link to comment
Guest Ryles_D

I think your brother´s reaction will surprise you, Cerulean. He may feel betrayed and confused and angry at first, it´s a lot to take in so I won´t say that he´ll be as awesome as the rest of your family has been (congrats!), but it sounds like he really cares about you, and having his girlfriend on your side will help because he can talk to her about it. I think a chunk of homo/trans -phobia comes from ignorance. There are a lot bad stereotypes about us, and people see us as freaks. When someone you love is trans, you have to confront that and realize that it's not always the case. It sounds like he really cares about you, so even if it takes him some time he'll probably come to terms with it.

Also- why do you have to leave home to transition? Have you told your parents and they basically said "As long as you're living under our roof you're living as a boy"?

Link to comment
Guest Cerulean
Good for you! Thank you for the update! Sometimes we worry and worry and worry, and it all works out!

Lizzy

Yep :)

I think your brother´s reaction will surprise you, Cerulean. He may feel betrayed and confused and angry at first, it´s a lot to take in so I won´t say that he´ll be as awesome as the rest of your family has been (congrats!), but it sounds like he really cares about you, and having his girlfriend on your side will help because he can talk to her about it. I think a chunk of homo/trans -phobia comes from ignorance. There are a lot bad stereotypes about us, and people see us as freaks. When someone you love is trans, you have to confront that and realize that it's not always the case. It sounds like he really cares about you, so even if it takes him some time he'll probably come to terms with it.

Also- why do you have to leave home to transition? Have you told your parents and they basically said "As long as you're living under our roof you're living as a boy"?

Yes, I am still worried about his reaction. His girlfriend said she wouldn't mind being there when I tell him, but she also said "he kinda knows". I'm trying to find out exactly what "kinda" means right now :P I agree that most transphobia and homophobia comes from ignorance. Most people think its just some crazy psychosomatic illness with no science behind it.

I have to leave home to transition because there are no known gender therapists within an hours drive away. Well, I don't even think there are any in this state. There are two places listed on Laura's Gender Therapists page, but both look like organizations to promote knowledge of gender issues, not like places I could go for actual gender therapy. Regardless, both places are hours away by car. I really have no choice but to leave.

My mother lives here, my father lives in Virginia (they are separated), Virginia actually has gender therapists and I could actually get a job there, making it an ideal place to move to.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 67 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Karen Carey
    • VickySGV
    • ClaireBloom
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bobbijean
      Bobbijean
    2. Bryan
      Bryan
      (61 years old)
    3. jlw5ju
      jlw5ju
      (27 years old)
    4. ladykirabellum
      ladykirabellum
      (47 years old)
    5. Lizzie17
      Lizzie17
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
    • ClaireBloom
      My avatar is from a T-shirt that I am just dying to buy.  Maybe soon....
    • Lydia_R
      I had some guy grab my butt on the ship.  I don't know how "real" it was, but I did not enjoy that at all.  Also did not enjoy the hazing I saw other people going through.  One person can only do so much to stop that when there are 10 people doing it.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been a long week, and I think this weekend is going to be pretty busy.  The high school is having their graduation later today.  Although we don't have any grads in our family this year, my husband is going because he's involved with the school.  And tonight there's the torchlight ceremony for the county cadets who are finishing their program, and the reading of assignments for the new seniors.  One of my stepkids will be a senior this year.  She's talented, and will be assigned a squad leader position.  My husband is really proud of her, and she's well-liked by her peers even though she's very quiet and serious.    I might get to go on a trip to Texas this week.  The storms that hit Houston caused a lot of electrical damage, so no doubt the utilities in that area will be ordering stuff from my husband's company.  When the big hurricane hit Florida in 2022, we made several trips there with badly-needed equipment, and the entire transportation department was involved in the first convoy.  When he travels, I usually want to go along, since 1-on-1 time is kind of rare for us. 
    • Mmindy
    • Lydia_R
      Maybe surface tension?   I was in a political debate yesterday and it got way too focused on social stuff and I just had to steer the conversation back to how natural gas transitions to a liquid under pressure.  One of the people I was debating had a career working in that field and it was a good opportunity to expose stuff like that.  He mentioned that it isn't just pressure, it is temperature too.  So then I mentioned how the lines are running underground and asked how that played a role in it.  He came back saying that natural gas is a liquid under pressure.  I guess I didn't get a straight answer on that, but it did move my thinking one step down the road.  Perhaps I should have been more direct with him and asked him at what temperature and pressure.  Is there a chart?   I feel people would be better off if they paid more attention to the objects in their environment instead of focusing on some of the things that we hear so much of in the news.  People are pretty clueless as to how much trigonometry plays a role in so many things in our society.  Even land surveyors don't really use it anymore because programmers locked it away in a function.  Much like how cascading style sheets (CSS) is a wrapper for math.  I wonder what former president Trump thinks about all of that?  He must have some knowledge of how his buildings are constructed, right?  There certainly is a part of me that thinks he is just putting on a show about all of this.  Perhaps I'm wrong though.  All kinds of people in the world.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...