Saying Hello Through The Tears

[Guest Xandra6]

I am the wife of a newly revealed TG husband. Since my husband has a membership here at Laura's I am going to focus on myself right now, been told I don't do that anywhere near enough as it is.

Since finding out less than a week ago about my husband being TG and hiding it for a lifetime I have been living in world where my emotions seem to be in control. From shock to fear, confusion, anger, nausea, hurt, but mostly love and affection I've been through it all in a very short period of time...and know that there is much more to come. Despite all those negative feelings our love for each other is what is hold me together right now, and our desire to try and not have this be a marriage ender...for us, or our children.

Given that my husband has just started the process of acceptance after hiding and secretly dressing, it is going to be a process of learning and discovery for both of us. I have spent some time just reading here on Laura's and have come to realize that we are in for a long haul. I do feel I need to share my fears, and hope that in doing so I do not offend. I like to believe that my love for my husband can overcome anything this throws in my path, but I also know myself and have to express what I am feeling right now. I believe that I could probably accept the CD side of my husband's life were it to be something limited to our home and perhaps even when no one else is home. I don't know that I would be ready for my husband to tell me that the desire is to live dressed 24/7. And I know in my heart, despite my need to hold on, that if the decision is made to transition, I have no desire to have a wife myself.

My husband is my best friend and no matter what I will be here to support and love that person. I just hope with every fiber of my being that we can find the way to survive this as a couple. I'm not ready to lose the love of my life.

I always thought that I was an amazing strong individual, but this has shown me that we are only as strong as the supports we surround ourselves with and since no one else knows right now, that support is very small.

So, with that, and a need to wipe the tears away, I thank Laura's for being here for me. I look forward to the acceptance and support that I know will come from being here. But mostly I look forward to finding the happiness in my marriage again.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Xandra....

Good morning Sweetheart...

I'm Donna Jean, a male to female transwoman, married 30 years (I'm 60)

Let me get you a cup of hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies

Now, I just want to say that I understand where you're at right now...but, as hard as we try we can't really understand the emotions that the wife goes through just as no one truly understands us...

I came out to my wife 2 years back...it was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and it broke my heart to have to do it.

Your list of emotions is what happens during this time...it's hard on everyone involved.And obviously a great shock to the wife (or S/O)

I would of given anything to not have to of done that to my wife, but there were no other options...

I give you a huge ammount of credit for coming here and trying to make heads or tails of all of this that has just happened.

We have so many wonderful people that will have a lot to contribute to your questions.

And you're right you are both in for a long ride...there is no magic involved, it has to work it's course...

Honey, if I may ask, how long have you two been married?

Please make use of all the resourses that we have available and remember that after you make 5 posts you are open to the entire site, including the Personal Messenger so that you may talk privately with any member that you wish to talk with.

I'll be willing to talk with when you get there if you so desire...

Just get yourself settled in and we'll all try our best to help you during these trying times......OK?

Good...

With Love and Affection...

Donna Jean

[MaryEllen]

Hello Xandra,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I can well understand the emotions you are feeling. This is quite a bombshell to be dropped on anyone, especially if you didn't see it coming. Have you and your SO considered counseling? If not, that might be a way to resolve some of these issues. If your marriage is to survive, it's imparative that you both be totally honest with each other. Don't keep secrets. Let your feelings be known. Compromise. Try to work out a common ground that you can both live with. It's a matter of give and take and sometimes it's a whole lot more give than it is take. I truly hope this can have a happy ending. You've taken a good first step just by coming here. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask. We'll do our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Guest Eth]

Hi Xandra, I'm glad you came here to Laura's. Welcome to the forums and I hope we can be of help in any way we can.

愛 Eth

[Guest Nothingbutpain]

Good morning,

All the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal its alot to take on in such a short time and it can be very tramatic. Everyone says it but it does get easier. I wish you luck in continuing your marriage even thought mine didnt continue i have faith yours and many others will! if you need to talk we are always here! Once you can private message feel free to send me one if you like!

Love,

Amanda

I am the wife of a newly revealed TG husband. Since my husband has a membership here at Laura's I am going to focus on myself right now, been told I don't do that anywhere near enough as it is.

Since finding out less than a week ago about my husband being TG and hiding it for a lifetime I have been living in world where my emotions seem to be in control. From shock to fear, confusion, anger, nausea, hurt, but mostly love and affection I've been through it all in a very short period of time...and know that there is much more to come. Despite all those negative feelings our love for each other is what is hold me together right now, and our desire to try and not have this be a marriage ender...for us, or our children.

Given that my husband has just started the process of acceptance after hiding and secretly dressing, it is going to be a process of learning and discovery for both of us. I have spent some time just reading here on Laura's and have come to realize that we are in for a long haul. I do feel I need to share my fears, and hope that in doing so I do not offend. I like to believe that my love for my husband can overcome anything this throws in my path, but I also know myself and have to express what I am feeling right now. I believe that I could probably accept the CD side of my husband's life were it to be something limited to our home and perhaps even when no one else is home. I don't know that I would be ready for my husband to tell me that the desire is to live dressed 24/7. And I know in my heart, despite my need to hold on, that if the decision is made to transition, I have no desire to have a wife myself.

My husband is my best friend and no matter what I will be here to support and love that person. I just hope with every fiber of my being that we can find the way to survive this as a couple. I'm not ready to lose the love of my life.

I always thought that I was an amazing strong individual, but this has shown me that we are only as strong as the supports we surround ourselves with and since no one else knows right now, that support is very small.

So, with that, and a need to wipe the tears away, I thank Laura's for being here for me. I look forward to the acceptance and support that I know will come from being here. But mostly I look forward to finding the happiness in my marriage again.

[Guest Xandra6]

Donna Jean, thank you for your kind words. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years, together about 16 and a half.

We have two children together. Together they are the three most important people in my life.

Xandra....

Good morning Sweetheart...

I'm Donna Jean, a male to female transwoman, married 30 years (I'm 60)

Let me get you a cup of hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies

Now, I just want to say that I understand where you're at right now...but, as hard as we try we can't really understand the emotions that the wife goes through just as no one truly understands us...

I came out to my wife 2 years back...it was the hardest thing that I have ever don in my life and it broke my heart to have to do it.

Your list of emotions is what happens during this time...it's hard on everyone involved.And obviously a great shock to the wife (or S/O)

I would of given anything to not have to of done that to my wife, but there were no other options...

I give you a huge ammount of credit for coming here and trying to make heads or tails of all of this that has just happened.

We have so many wonderful people that will have a lot to contribute to your questions.

And you're right you are both in for a long ride...there is no magic involved, it has to work it's course...

Honey, if I may ask, how long heve you two been married?

Please make use of all the resourses that we have available and remember that after you make 5 posts you are open to the entire site, including the Personal Messenger so that you may talk privately with any member that you wish to talk with.

I'll be willing to talk with when you get there if you so desire...

Just get yourself settled in and we'll all try our best to help you during these trying times......OK?

Good...

With Love and Affection...

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey.....

Let me tell you a couple of things...

First...I'll not take sides, even though I'm MTF....it's very difficult for everyone...

But, I'd like to touch on a couple of things...

First...

"Living a lie and deciet...."

Most of us know that we have these feelings from a very early age. But it scares us and we try our damndest to beat it.

I went to Vietnam, learned to fly airplanes, was a cop, rode motorcycles...a man's man.

I did everything that I could think of to keep it down and under my control.

You can't beat it. It always wins ...we were born with it.

So ...many marriages are entered thinking that we have these feelings under control. But when they come on , it becomes overwhelming and the suicide rate among us is over 30%.

At some point it happens...it happened to me at 58 years old...I could no longer keep it under any kind of control..

Now, when I came out to my wife, one of the first things that she told me and was adamant about was..."I AM NOT A LESBIAN!"

Also the wife goes through a period of grief of losing her husband.

And often sees it as losing him to another woman (which is sort of what is happening).

Honey...you probably know that she is going to need some therapy, but, the important thing here is get some for yourself, too!

Don't sell yourself short...she is not the only one with issues now.....ok?

You need to address the things that you are feeling, too...

One thing that happens when we first come out this way is that we take off like a rocket and want to do everything NOW!

So, watch for that...you'll have to pull her back a bit, maybe....

Again, Dear, I wish you the very best with all of this...don't let everything be for her...you need to take care of yourself, too.

Lots of marriages fail because of this, but, many do work...of course the dynamics change...it takes special people to make a go of it...

I think that you may be one of those special people....

Please PM me if you need to when you get 5 posts...OK?

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Dee Jay - who is one of my closest friends in the entire world - has replied twice and has pretty much said what I might have said, We are very similar, Donna Jean and I, except I haven't had so many 'manly' pursuits - and been in the construction design field all my life. She tried harder to be what she never was.

But we are about the same age and we are both married. Also, we are both diagosed male-to-female transsexuals in transition. We both will have our gender surgery about a year from now. BUT - what make us the most alike is our wives grudgingly accept us.

We both understand that after the sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) we will probably lose our wives. And we love them deeply... but we cannot - NOT have that final step into womanhood - just cannot stop this transition, WHY? To keep our sanity and to finally become what we are. You see, we have always been female in soul and mind. We are now. We always will be. It is virtually impossible for anyone who does NOT have this condition to understand. It is not a compulsion, it is way too deep to call it that. It is our essence - it is what we are.

We tried to playact male - we did okay but were so miserable that we were not complete people, Since our diagnosis and our decision to transition, the world has finally seemed like a place we can be in. Frankly both of us think we were about a year away from suicide if we DIDN"t do something - so it is that powerful.

BUT

Your introduction says your SO (significant other - we use that to help with the pronouns) is a Cross Dresser (CD) - the CD here tell us they do NOT want to transition to women. Statistically we figure there are at leasst a 1000 CDers to each MTF transsexual. There is also another middle place - that is a transgenderist and androgyne . These people love the Male and female aspects of their being, where we TS hate the maleness The transgenderest tell us they don't want surgery, and the androgyne people tell us they don't want the sugery or the hormone replacement treatment (HRT).

The actual condition your SO finds herself in (we use proper pronouns) can only be diagnosed by a gender dysphoria trained therapist. And please know not all CD people are transsexual. BUT all transsexuals almosrt always cross dress in a technical sense. I have worn girls and womens clothes since I was 8 years old. I am full time now - except as work and shop and go to town female. I pass very well.

And

I have been on HRT for 15 months, I look like a woman. My wife - as I said - is grudgingly acceptive. It's been terribly hard on her as she never knew before I told her.

I went to one therapist, she went to another. That really helped. I'd introduce you to her but she won't talk to others - it's that painful. Also I am out to most of her friends and family. Its been a roller-coaster year and a half.

Books - the best for spouses of non-transitioning CDer is "My Husband Betty." It is a true documentary - but she wrote a sequel - her husband WAS transsexual after all and in the second book she is revising a lot of what she said before. The best book on our condition is "She's Come Undone." That is from the inside. The best book explaining from the outside - and maybe the one you would want to read first - is "True Selves." They are available on Amazon.

I do hope this helps you a little.

Lizzy

[Sally]

I am going to congratulate you for any effort at all to preserve your marriage - you honestly love your husband and I know how special that is.

Xandra, I am unlike my very good friends Donna Jean and Lizzy - their wives are trying to accept and adapt to all of the changes - it isn't easy but they are trying for the same reason that you are trying - because of love - I did not have that in my marriage so it ended suddenly.

I had not even discussed anything about transitioning and she never asked - she just left one day while I was working.

I hold no grudges because it is a very hard thing to do - I admire you just for caring enough to try.

I hope that you can make it as a family.

I would like to welcome you to the playground and the forums in particular - it is a brave and wonderful thing for you to come here to try to support and learn more about your SO.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Xandra,

I want to welcome you to our family hon. Welcome to Laura's.

You are making the effort to understand your husband, transgenderism, us.

That is really wonderful to hear.

With love and understanding (which you both have) your futures can unfold harmoniously.

Love

Brenda

[Paula ult]

Xandra, Welcome to Laura's, there is not anything i can add to what was already said, everyone gave you good advise.

Paula

[Guest Xandra6]

Given that this process has just begun for my SO, there isn't a way to know what category will fit. You will notice that I am avoiding gender specific pronouns all together as I am having a difficult time with thinking of the person I have been married to for 15 years as she. Now I will not deny that may be my SO's feelings on the matter, but that has not yet been completely explored or discussed.

I do know that my SO is seeing someone who specializes in gender dysphoria, and has been very comfortable with the sessions so far. I do hope that will help in finding what niche truly fits. As hard as it is, it is important to me that my SO is happy. I am seeing my own therapist, as my needs are very different. I am committed to helping see this through, as far as I can.

Thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement. Hoping to be able to return the favor someday for someone else in my situation.

Your introduction says your SO (significant other - we use that to help with the pronouns) is a Cross Dresser (CD) - the CD here tell us they do NOT want to transition to women. Statistically we figure there are at leasst a 1000 CDers to each MTF transsexual. There is also another middle place - that is a transgenderist and androgyne . These people love the Male and female aspects of their being, where we TS hate the maleness The transgenderest tell us they don't want surgery, and the androgyne people tell us they don't want the sugery or the hormone replacement treatment (HRT).

The actual condition your SO finds herself in (we use proper pronouns) can only be diagnosed by a gender dysphoria trained therapist. And please know not all CD people are transsexual. BUT all transsexuals almosrt always cross dress in a technical sense. I have worn girls and womens clothes since I was 8 years old. I am full time now - except as work and shop and go to town female. I pass very well.

[Guest viv]

Xandra , welcome to Laura"s . Just read your post now and your words

reminded me that love really can conquer all . You and your husband

will find your way through this and we are here also if advice/opinion,

or just a chin wag is needed . Take care and please know we are here

for you ,,,luv,viv

[Guest swee'pea]

Hi Xandra,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have SO meetings Sun & Tues. 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Welcome to Laura's

[Guest supervixenxxx]

Hi Xandra,

Welcome and big hugs to you! The changes you're experiencing are profound and life-changing in so many ways. You're experience is also not un-common and support is available. Your commitment to friendship and love is so very heartening. Thanks for being here and reaching out.

Best wishes and many smiles, Jen

[Guest ChalenAustin]

You are a beautiful, strong individual and you should feel very proud of yourself!

You said you aren't ready to lose the love of your life and I like so many here don't believe you have to.

I can't offer any advice on being married or bringing a spouse into this being only a kid but.

If you two really want to make this work than you can and you will.

Something I will say is it's not always about the transgendered person either.

It goes 50/50 they're just two very different sides to the same coin.

I have faith in yiou and faith in youa nd your husband together.

We will all do our very best to support you however we can.

Whatever you do or whatever is said- don't give up on each other.

Remember this might be a shock- but it's the discovery it's self that is shocking.

Take that away and you two are still the same people oin the same relationship you had before.

Perspective might be the only thing that has changed but prspective is perscective it can be be what you two decide to settle it on to be.

If you wnat everything to work it'll work trust me.

I might be a teen but I do know that much form experience.

Good luck to you and PEACE

Chalen

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are a beautiful, strong individual and you should feel very proud of yourself!

You said you aren't ready to lose the love of your life and I like so many here don't believe you have to.

I can't offer any advice on being married or bringing a spouse into this being only a kid but.

If you two really want to make this work than you can and you will.

Something I will say is it's not always about the transgendered person either.

It goes 50/50 they're just two very different sides to the same coin.

I have faith in yiou and faith in youa nd your husband together.

We will all do our very best to support you however we can.

Whatever you do or whatever is said- don't give up on each other.

Remember this might be a shock- but it's the discovery it's self that is shocking.

Take that away and you two are still the same people oin the same relationship you had before.

Perspective might be the only thing that has changed but prspective is perscective it can be be what you two decide to settle it on to be.

If you wnat everything to work it'll work trust me.

I might be a teen but I do know that much form experience.

Good luck to you and PEACE

Chalen

Beautiful reply! She says 'only akid' but the young people here are my favorite posting people. There is an understanding that goes beyond experience with all of us. We are so fortunate to have each other, we on Laura's!

On topic - I really doubt my wife will stay the long course. It is rare for that to happen - but we are still working on it. Everyday I cry for what I have done to her!

Lizzy

[Guest Ryles_D]

I don't have any advice, Xandra, everyone else here is more experienced in such things than I am. I wish you luck, though. It sounds like you've got a lot going on.

There is also another middle place - that is a transgenderist and androgyne . These people love the Male and female aspects of their being, where we TS hate the maleness The transgenderest tell us they don't want surgery, and the androgyne people tell us they don't want the sugery or the hormone replacement treatment (HRT).

There's a lot of other things beyond this as well. Not all people who don't fit into male or female are happy with their "maleness" or "femaleness" and surgically/hormonally/otherwise get rid of it, and there are androgynes who want to embrace their maleness and femaleness surgically/hormonally/etc as well. I've seen a lot of people who are only non-op because what they want isn't medically possible- not because they're happy with the body they have. Even if Xandra's partner isn't a trans woman, they might still need to transition, just in a different way.

[Guest ChalenAustin]

That's "he says" Lizzy

[Guest Xandra6]

So I guess I didn't really think it would be a problem, and shame on me for not listening. But my SO has truly taken off...and I've been so scared the last few days I can't eat or sleep. Going to work and maintaining my composure has been next to impossible (which makes things tough since I'm a school teacher).

Thankfully we are still communicating well and I was able to share with my SO just how scared I was. Any advice on "reining" this in a bit, and helping my SO go a bit slower?

One thing that happens when we first come out this way is that we take off like a rocket and want to do everything NOW!

So, watch for that...you'll have to pull her back a bit, maybe....

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Put her on Laura's. We can advise her how to (1) keep transitioning reasonable (2) keep her marriage with you intact - she has that obligation to try.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Put her on Laura's. We can advise her how to (1) keep transitioning reasonable (2) keep her marriage with you intact - she has that obligation to try.

Lizzy

Absolutely....after all, it happened to me, too...

We can reason with her....It's very common for us to do at her stage, but it needs to be throttled back some...

Encourage her to join here!

We'll try to help....OK?

Donna Jean

[Guest Xandra6]

My SO is already on Laura's. I do not know what name is being used, as it is "her" name and I'm not ready to know it, and my SO is not ready to tell me. Not meaning to offend, but to be quite honest that fact that there is even a she at this point is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I'm just so scared.

Absolutely....after all, it happened to me, too...

We can reason with her....It's very common for us to do at her stage, but it needs to be throttled back some...

Encourage her to join here!

We'll try to help....OK?

Donna Jean