Lack Of Confidence

[Guest jackgr]

You know, it's funny, I get taken for a guy a lot, deep voice, straight (though overweight) body, veteran's ball cap, short hair, no makeup, men's clothes - but when I imagine myself living as a man, all I can think of is that my mind - and therefore what I say - will give me away. I'm 48 and that's a long time spent forming a character and living a life from a woman's point of view.

I just have this sick fear that I'll be hangin' with some guys and they'll all start looking at me real funny; and I won't make any new guy friends because I think as a woman and it's so deeply entrenched it'll never go away. Now if you were to ask me for some specific examples, all I can come up with is that I don't have the self-confidence and natural authority of a man.

Has anyone run into this during your FTM transition?

Thanks,

Jack

[Guest Evan_J]

Actually? What I think I've encountered more often than the trans person not having the natural authority or confidence is people OTHER than the trans person TELLING them they don't. Are you sure you don't? Or is that the opinion of ....oh lets just say for the heck of saying it ......mom? lol Mom's are the world renown culprits of wanting to twist the minds of transmen with that b.s.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

There are a lot of men who think like women and get accepted.

Me for example. For 61 years I playacted as a male, but my thought process was, has been, is now, and always will be female. Yes - I sometimes got weird looks, but I would just spit on the ground and pass gas, showing I was jus' like dem dudes! (It was embarrasing in church sometimes)

Seriously - there is enough overlap between how men and women think that you will probably fit in.

Just let your real self emerge - and be so happy that everyone will want to be around you! That is the key - in my opinion!

Lizzy

[Sally]

As the poster child for a total lack of self confidence and yes, Evan it was always fueled by my mother - she did not even know that she was doing it but to a young transperson (I was a female - labeled as male at birth) ao anytime that she went on about what a great boy I was and what a fine young man I had become were nailing the lid on the box that contained what little confidence I had ever had.

It is very difficult to ignore what others say but you must search your own heart and then do what you must do - for me it is transitioning to fully female and I am building confidence and courage with each outing when I do not have to present as male.

We all have within us, buried very deeply sometimes but it is there - the courage and the stength to do what we need to do - it is not always easy but it is something that we have to do.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Melanieshaman]

As the poster child for a total lack of self confidence ...

I thought that was me

Melanie

[Guest angie]

Let me assure you Mr Jack,

That as transition moves ever onward,and you continue to take on the aspects

of the inner man coming to the forward...I.E. Bodyhair,hairly legs and arms,facial

hair,and an ever deepening voice,you will grow into your male role. And the woman

that was,will fade into the sunset naturally.

This is a fact: FTM males have a Much Easier,and smoother transition than do MTF females.

Your lovers tend to stay,knowing something was up by instinct,and though taking time to adjust,

are more accepting of the change,even when you have top surgery. The public and family is more

accepting of you guys,because the change is so thorough and quick,and you tend to be going from

a butch woman,to a manly man in a natural progression that fits your persona.

If this truly is your path...You will know,and the minor inconvenience of your female background,

will be nothing but a thing you will overcome.UmmmmmHmmm

Angelique

I went from Superman,to WonderWoman and I like her much much better thank you.

[Guest Evan_J]

Let me assure you Mr Jack,

That as transition moves ever onward,and you continue to take on the aspects

of the inner man coming to the forward...I.E. Bodyhair,hairly legs and arms,facial

hair,and an ever deepening voice,you will grow into your male role. And the woman

that was,will fade into the sunset naturally.

This is a fact: FTM males have a Much Easier,and smoother transition than do MTF females.

Your lovers tend to stay,knowing something was up by instinct,and though taking time to adjust,

are more accepting of the change,even when you have top surgery. The public and family is more

accepting of you guys,because the change is so thorough and quick,and you tend to be going from

a butch woman,to a manly man in a natural progression that fits your persona.

If this truly is your path...You will know,and the minor inconvenience of your female background,

will be nothing but a thing you will overcome.UmmmmmHmmm

Angelique

I went from Superman,to WonderWoman and I like her much much better thank you.

.......you gotta love her :wub:

[Guest JKarician]

Hi Jack, you’re not alone. This is something I struggled with as well and still continue to struggle with to some extent. As you progress further into transition I promise you, it will get easier but do I still worry that I’ll be out with my guy friends and I’ll say the wrong thing…they will lift their eyebrows and it will be all over. Now admittedly I did not spend as long as you have being indoctrinated into the female stereotype, but the fear is just as real. But here is what helped me: Worry less about thinking as a man and more about thinking as you. Story that I hope will illustrate my point:

So there I am, newly transitioning. Out the parents, out on the job but pre-hormonal and I did not pass as well as you obviously do now (congrats by the way). I knew I didn’t pass very well. I was binding, packing, changed my name etc but still wasn’t 100% passing so I was hyper-vigilant about my mannerisms and behavior. I decided to stop doing anything I thought was the least bit feminine in the hopes that my self-inflicted, overwhelming masculinity would override my appearance or any possible slip ups I might have. Now I was never a “girly-girl” but also never a stereotypical guy (cars, booze, babes, sports, barbecues…) I would describe myself as creative. I love to write, draw, paint, read and… I love to crochet. My grandmother, whom I was very close to taught me and I made beautiful afghans. It was a stress reliever and something I did at work while taking phone calls. I stopped crocheting. Now at this point, I was new to Laura’s (I know it says I’m new now, but I originally had an old account about three or four years ago. Just went on hiatus for a bit.) and talking with a few people, one of which was a guy who had been on hormones a bit and seemed to be relatively stable and settled (he is no longer a member on this site). I actually posed this fear to my mentor as well. I asked him how he talked to guys, how he avoided giving his secret away. He told me that since he transitioned he started a huge campaign to fit in. He started to study soccer. He learned everything about it. Players, teams, how to play…He dedicated a crazy amount of time to it (and money buying the equipment etc.) so he’d have something to talk to other guys about. And then I asked him, did he like soccer? Know what he said? He hated it. He always hated it. I was pretty shocked. It occurred to me, was he not then in the same boat from which all of us emerge? He took the steps to be himself, and in the process ended up entering another stereotype. Cast off your mask just to don another?... I appreciated his intentions, but I guess then I realized he and I had a different philosophy when it came to this condition. I started to crochet again. At home, at work. I’m married now and crochet in front of my father-in-law.

The most important thing is to be yourself. Don’t be female, don’t be male, be you. Isn’t that what this journey is all about? Embracing who you are? You spent a long time playing the female role and that will always be a part of you. It doesn’t mean it has to be a negative part. I’m not suggesting you go out with the guys and talk makeup and shoes. Unless that is your passion. But that’s the ticket. It’s not a female passion. It’s not a male passion. It’s Jack’s passion. If shoes are what Jack wants to talk about it, so be it. Just have the confidence to back it up. If you are uncomfortable with it, others will be uncomfortable too. The family’s response to my crocheting? It’s a J- thing. Because it is, and that’s how I think of it. And when the guys in the family are talking about things I don’t know about and don’t care about, I stay quiet. If they ask my opinion and I don’t have one, I say so. “It’s not the type of thing I’m into.” It’s impossible to know about every topic and why would I want to know about every “masculine” topic? I just want to be me.

[Guest AshleyRF]

Been full time for over a year now and I still worry if people know or not. I think we all have that fear. I hear it gets better as time goes on. I hope that is true because it drives me crazy wondering if people around me know or not.

[Guest angie]

Been full time for over a year now and I still worry if people know or not.

I hear it gets better as time goes on.

I hope that is true because it drives me crazy wondering if people around me know or not.

As each year in fulltime passes,you feel,and see,the effects of time in role, with a certain

confidence you project, plus that of a womanly aura that surrounds and enimates from you.

And Ash...It Doesn't Matter If They Know Or Not...Almost no one will dare ask you,and if

they do,just be honest.Steal their thunder.

Carry yourself like the confident pretty woman that you are,and that is who the world will see.

Take it from a 54 year young woman,who lived a lifetime as a macho man,who wondered if I

would ever get where I am now.This is how I do it,and it works...fabulously.

Hugs Pretty Lady,

Angie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

oh my - such wonderful replies!

Jack - think like a woman? I doubt that! You may have had to learn to play act like you were thinking like a woman! I had to learn to be a guy! It worked most times but it was an efforet.

Just let your real self out - it's probably male enough to get you by easily - then you will evolve as your confidence rises.

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, sometimes the best way to go about it is to just suck it up and do it!

Worked for me...althgough, I was sure that I was getting starred at, made, clocked and every other concieveable horror....

I was passing 100%...

Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

Jack,

One of my ex boyfriends and still a real good friend,is a man like you guys,

and a goooood looking,very masculine,Harley riding man at that.But he wasn't

always that way. He lived until 38 as a soft butch,whom who happened to be a

pretty woman,that you can't see an iota of anylonger. He showed me before and

after pics,and the difference is stunning. And he has an 19year old daughter he

birthed before he knew who he truly is.(wink)

Angelique

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Jack

I don't know that I can add much to the wonderful replies.

Just be yourself. I've had conversations in guy mode about cooking.

If I get a weird look I might play it off with laughter.

'Ug... me man... I can cook... ?'

But no one seems to shy away, when I bring homemade cookies to work!!

Point is we genders do seem to overlap more so these days that gender specific traits disappear.

Or at least fall further into the background of who we are.

I just find easier to be myself and not worry how others perceive me.

After all there are no rules to being yourself - and that's BEFORE any transgender issues.

Luv Kat