I Really Want To Be Out

[Guest ~Dawn~]

I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid I'll hurt myself. I'm so depressed all the time. I've started lashing out at people, I've been anti-social for years, I've alienated my 'friends' although that may be for the better. I really don't have any friends besides online ones that would accept me, I know this mainly because one of them suspects me of being transsexual because I do have some very feminine mannerisms and while he was talking about it, my other friend said if he ever saw me in women's clothing he'd leave and never come back. I'm really trying to get away from these two.

I used to cry myself to sleep every night, every single night. I've become emotionally cold in recent years though, I've truly stopped caring about myself. Two days ago when I wrote my first post here is the first time I've really cried in a long time. I actually think my parents know I'm trans, or at least expect it. My father has commented on the way I walk, and has made comments in a joking manner such as 'You like wearing that like a dress?' (referring to my blanket), and recently my mom came in unprompted and started talking about how people are born into the wrong bodies. Well, this wasn't entirely unprompted I guess, as it was a reply to me showing her a singer I liked that had a very feminine timbre. She said "You know there's people who're born the wrong gender, right?" and I responded "Yes I know, but that doesn't have anything to do with the voice. Even hormone therapy doesn't affect that." which in hindsight probably makes her suspect it even more. I'm not sure if I should be relieved by this, but I AM quite sure my parents would be ok with me being trans, it's just a matter of me stopping my wallowing in depression long enough to stop being ashamed of who I am.

If I did come out to my mother, I'm really not sure how I'd do it. I'm almost afraid I'd break down and cry and have some loving moment because that's not who I am right now. But who I am right now isn't me, it's hard to explain. I've convinced myself that being a bitter/cold/introverted person is a wonderful thing. I guess I'm just afraid I'll change drastically even if I know I'll be much happier. I'm also afraid of things like, going shopping and buying makeup or clothing because I'd just be really awkward the entire time.

I have a few really good friends I've met over online games in the past years. I'm openly gay on World of Wacraft, because that's as close as I could get to telling people I'm transsexual without freezing up. I really wish I had even one of these friends in real life though, especially my friend Shane. I know he'd be super supportive of what I want to do and wouldn't ever turn on me. He's actually moving nearby to Calgary in a month, and I'm hoping to visit him or possibly move there in a year. If I'm not out by then, I'm sure being around a friend who supports me will boost my confidence a lot.

I know I'm getting close to the point where I'll break and tell someone though, because I'm starting to care less and less about suppressing my feminine mannerisms around my family. I've started to really care about my hygiene again that I started neglecting when I realized I hated my entire body anyways. I shaved my legs recently which they haven't noticed and likely won't, and I'm thinking about having my eyebrows shaped and having my nails done just because I want to build up my self-image. Getting my nails done would actually be a fantastic way to stop my nasty habit of biting my nails ;x.

That wall of text aside, I really need to come out. I'm scared, I really am.

[Guest viv]

Dawn,,,if you think your folks will be cool with you being Trans

you should tell them ,,,,they will be your rock ,,your foundation

to move forward. Even if you think they will be supportive you

should still tell them as tho you are not sure ,,,,better than a "penis

sure" attitude ,,,you know Hun ??. Those guys are not friends imo

Dawn ,,bid them farewell. Have you looked re a peer Trans group

meet in your area ??? you will get great support and friendship

at a meet ,,,,,for me Hun,,,,parents first , tell em , you wont regret

that ,,,,,,good luck ,,luv,viv

[Guest chngnwnd]

Oh, baby....that is a hard place to be.

I can't tell you what is right for you, but I can tell you that I feel better about myself everytime I come out to someone even though each time my stomach gets tied in knots and I am frightened out of my mind because I just don't know how the person will respond.

It really sounds like your mother knows, or suspects that you are trans - I am a parent myself and it sounds like she is trying to make you feel safe so you can tell her. It is very likely she is aware of how hurt you are feeling right now - we parents feel it when our children are in distress and it hurts us, too...

Have courage...and remember it is ok to be afraid...it is how we respond to fear that defines us, not the fear itself...

hugs

Bobbie

[Guest ~Dawn~]

I know that the moment I tell my parents is the moment my life will get better, but even knowing that I'm still terrified. If my mom really does know I wish she'd confront me, because I'm really not comfortable starting personal conversations usually. :x

[Guest Dana M]

Wow we're in like the exact same place. I also turned into a bitter introvert and I can't stop biting my nails either :/ I'm pretty sure my parents will be okay with me, but completely overhauling your life is obviously scary. We just gotta suck it up and do it. Just dwell on how awesome it will be to finally be yourself. That's how I get through the day. At least your parents seem like they may be somewhat aware of who you are. My mom told me yesterday "You get more like your father every day." LOL I deserve an Oscar. I'm mainly scared of the massive shock I'm sure to see. And hey, while we may be transsexual, we still got it WAY better than many others with birth defects. Yeah our bodies are wrong, but at least we can use them. Just think about the positives only.

[Guest Jay_son]

Dawn, I have been EXACTLY where you are now, not so long ago....I was a good 90% sure my parents knew, maybe not totally, but that they knew something was "different" with me, and thought why if they know cant they save me the grief and just come out with it and say?! But learnt it doesnt work this way...and when I did tell them..they werent shocked, and tbh couldnt have wished for a more understanding response..I think you will be pleasently suprised with both your parents and yourself...I know I felt on top of the world the day I came out to my parents, its like there are no more secrets between you and them that you feel you have to hide. Even if they are not that understanding, you are at least being true to yourself...

[Guest Opal]

Hi Dawn,

I'm afraid that you might have trouble moving forward until you say something to your folks. Perhaps bring up something in general about before getting specific. They are no doubt anxious about your depression, and would like to do something to alleviate it.

Just recently I stopped biting my nails. It was a pleasant surprise to see them growing out. Took an emery board and smoothed the edges up, then painted them with a clear coat polish.

I really hope there is some way to bring yourself out of your depression. Are you seeing anyone for counseling?

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest chngnwnd]

I came out to my parents yesterday...it is terrifying. It is awkward. I even thought I might vomit before I could get the words out.

It went far better than I had even dared to hope and I feel so much better all around...

As scary as it is to do, I think it is worth the risk to just bite the bullet and do it. I still have fears and anxieties - but a lot fewer now.

[Guest Opal]

Dawn, that is wonderful to hear!

Glad you are feeling better over this. Now you can move forward as you see fit.

Big Huggs!!!!

Opal

[Guest ~Dawn~]

I came out to my parents yesterday...it is terrifying. It is awkward. I even thought I might vomit before I could get the words out.

It went far better than I had even dared to hope and I feel so much better all around...

As scary as it is to do, I think it is worth the risk to just bite the bullet and do it. I still have fears and anxieties - but a lot fewer now.

I'm so jealous. I too think it's worth the risk but it's just... I don't know. My mother and I aren't very close and my father works out of town for around 3 weeks each month. Since my dad isn't here, I'd only be able to talk to my mother and though I know she loves me and would accept me, I'm still afraid I could be completely wrong. We fight a lot, and I'm often the one that causes the fights.

[Guest Nameless]

I'm so jealous. I too think it's worth the risk but it's just... I don't know. My mother and I aren't very close and my father works out of town for around 3 weeks each month. Since my dad isn't here, I'd only be able to talk to my mother and though I know she loves me and would accept me, I'm still afraid I could be completely wrong. We fight a lot, and I'm often the one that causes the fights.

Reading all your posts... its funny, I dont remember being cloned XD

Except you seem more sure of yourself than I am, but thats a good thing for you. Throwing doubt into the mix just makes it worse

My parents are separated so I dont see my dad too often, and just live with my mum and sister most of the time. I have no doubt that mum would be okay with this, but its just like you said, I fight with my mum a lot It would be such a huge lifestyle change because once again, youve copied me and have few (or none) real friends and are pretty much a lonely person.

Most of the other things youve said I can relate too as well, so when you eventually out yourself, make sure to post about it so I can see if that way would work for me

Also I think my PM thing is broken, but i'd love to talk to you if it ever works

~Alex

[Guest kelise]

Dawn, I can't speak for everyone, but I believe all of this, everything you're going through, is exactly what everyone who is trans goes through at some point or other. It worries we that you're talking about hurting yourself. Now is the time to get in and see a therapist. Perhaps if you're not ready to come out to your parents, you can at least convice them to start sending you to a professional for your depression, and you can tell THEM. You'll have to go to one eventually anyway if you want to move forward with your transition. Do the research first though. See if you can find a psychologist in your area who has a good reputation in the trans community. There are a few internet sites that help you search for trans-friendly doctors. Then just approach your parents with their name and number and say, "I really think I need to talk to this person". They can help you prepare to caome out to your folks too.

From what you've said about your mom, it sounds like she's your best bet. talking to them one at a time may be easier too. Not telling you how to do things, but it sounds like you're looking for ideas. What I'd do is bring up the conversation again. "Mom, do you remember when you told me about how some people are born in the wrong bodies? What made you bring that up?" Odds are, she either won't remember or pretend not to. Regardless, whatever she says, just say, "well, I ask because I think that may be how I am".

When I came out, well i didn't really come out, i got caught when i was 14 wearing my mom's clothes. She flipped. She had no previous notion that i was trans or what trans was for that matter. She sent me to a horrible child psychologist that I went to when I was little to "fix" me. i don't think he would even diagnose me as trans now, or anyone. That's why I suggest you take advantage of the internet resources you have now. I didn't have that when I was your age.

In hindsight, today my only wish is that I had comeout and begun my transition earlier, And I started at 25! i feel as though I missed a good portion of my childhood as I could not be who I was. Don't waste any more of your time. You know how to get happiness. Get it girl!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I really need to come out. I'm scared, I really am.

You will come out to you family sooner or later. It's just what we transpeople do - WE HAVE TO BE OURSEVES!

What I read with the responses proves what I see here at Laura's all the time - EVERYONE gets EXACTLY like you feel. Not all act on it but most do, the need to come out. You are about to explode right now!

SO DO COME OUT AND GET PAST THAT? That is my advice.

Kelsie writes what I would have written - VERY good advice and i hope you read and reread it. Same with the other responses! Look them over again and again.

The key is - you are NOT alone in this - we ALL feel your angst...

And you think your parents might know? I have people I thought knew. It was still a shock to them, somehow. So just know that people are usually NOT ABLE to understand unless they are gender dysphoric too. The best you can hope for is loving support. Those who do not support you outside your family are not true friends.

I hope this helps!

You are so new here! Bless your heart! Please stay with us. We understand you completely - we care - we want to know how it is working out for you. Hopefully, you can leave those depressed 'go-it-alone' days behind. You need to be happy.

Lizzy

[Guest NatashaJade]

Dawn,

Kelise is exactly right. If you see a therapist, you'll have someone who is in your corner who you can talk to and help you prepare to speak to your parents in the best possible way. But please don't wait too long, okay? I know what you are going through and I know the more you prolong it, the worse it can get. We're all here for you as well, so please keep posting your text walls and we'll keep reading them.

luv

Gin

[Guest ~Dawn~]

Dawn, I can't speak for everyone, but I believe all of this, everything you're going through, is exactly what everyone who is trans goes through at some point or other. It worries we that you're talking about hurting yourself. Now is the time to get in and see a therapist. Perhaps if you're not ready to come out to your parents, you can at least convice them to start sending you to a professional for your depression, and you can tell THEM. You'll have to go to one eventually anyway if you want to move forward with your transition. Do the research first though. See if you can find a psychologist in your area who has a good reputation in the trans community. There are a few internet sites that help you search for trans-friendly doctors. Then just approach your parents with their name and number and say, "I really think I need to talk to this person". They can help you prepare to caome out to your folks too.

I think it's just as difficult for me to tell my parents I'm depressed as it is to tell them I'm a girl. I don't know, I just can't stand the idea of letting them know I'm miserable. I try to make myself out as tougher than I actually am. At this point I just need to find a good way to come out, because realistically I don't think my life at this point can get much worse. There's nowhere to go but up. Even still, I feel like I owe it to my family to repress my feelings to keep theirs intact, which is ridiculous because this is my life. Not theirs.

[Guest kelise]

Sweety, trust me, I know it is. I remember this time in my life as clearly as if it were yesterday. You see the door. You've got a good idea of whats behind it, and you like it. But the door is wired with EXPLOSIVES!! You know how to disarm them, but as you go to cut the red wire, you think you smell something smoking and everything in you tells you to RUN! Eventually, your just gonna have to cut that red wire.

When i mentioned that I got caught, i didn't mention that in hindsight, I may have subcontiously set myself up intentionally to get caught. NOT SAYING I'M SUGGESTING THIS FOR YOU. But for me, with my mother as unfamiliar as she was with the subject, i guess i felt giving myself no way to turn back was the best option at the time. Honestly I regret it though. i know just sitting down and telling her would have had a much better outcome.

We're all here for you, sweetheart! We really want this to go well for you. And I'd be willing to place bets that once you do take that leap, You're gonna look back on this thread and say, "What the hell was I afraid of?"

P.S. thanks ladies, for the props on my advice. That makes me feel really good! I hope to be a LGBT youth couselor someday.

I think it's just as difficult for me to tell my parents I'm depressed as it is to tell them I'm a girl. I don't know, I just can't stand the idea of letting them know I'm miserable. I try to make myself out as tougher than I actually am. At this point I just need to find a good way to come out, because realistically I don't think my life at this point can get much worse. There's nowhere to go but up. Even still, I feel like I owe it to my family to repress my feelings to keep theirs intact, which is ridiculous because this is my life. Not theirs.

[Guest ~Dawn~]

I keep picking a day to tell my mom but I end up fighting with her over something stupid instead, ugh. :/

One of these times it'll happen though. It has to.