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Any Thoughts? Needing Some Help Lol


Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James

I find myself questioning everything about myself...

I was born a biological female and as I was growing up I always felt male...

But lately I been wanting to drop the male label...

I been feeling both at times and then randomly I feel neither...

Like I just feel like a person but like I'm not *anything*...

But for the most part I feel both...

At one point I was identifying as FTM Andro...

Which I guess wouldn't really make sense to some??

Oh well :lol:

Anyways, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this...?

:(

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Guest Carden

Hey,

I'm not much for advice or insight.

But, I can tell you this is normal.

I am the exact same way. Some days I feel like both, others I feel like I can't connect with either.

I also notice that I tend to jump between acting like a boy and a girl. Or even dressing like a boy or a girl.

Though, recently I have been dressing more in the middle. Lots of double takes from people trying to figure out what I am. XD Always amusing.

The only suggestions I can make are ... maybe see a therapist that can help you find yourself a bit more or at least stabilize the thoughts so that your not jumping around.

Hope I helped. :P

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Hey,

I'm not much for advice or insight.

But, I can tell you this is normal.

I am the exact same way. Some days I feel like both, others I feel like I can't connect with either.

I also notice that I tend to jump between acting like a boy and a girl. Or even dressing like a boy or a girl.

Though, recently I have been dressing more in the middle. Lots of double takes from people trying to figure out what I am. XD Always amusing.

The only suggestions I can make are ... maybe see a therapist that can help you find yourself a bit more or at least stabilize the thoughts so that your not jumping around.

Hope I helped. :P

I am not able to see a therapist at this time but will be seeing one soon for many reasons. :lol:

I was just wondering what it would be called... Like I just don't understand... I mean like I want to be able to understand what I am going through at the moment and right now not being able to understand all that sucks and it's bringing me down...

I don't know :lol:

When it comes to dressing I dress as male always. I wear nail polish once in awhile but for the most part that's it :lol:

But I act both as well...

At least I know that I am not alone :)

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Guest Micha

Gender queer sounds like it might cover what you're describing, if not androgynous. I'm still trying to understand the differences in a bunch of terms myself, let alone the experience. Reading here androgyny seems like a stop on the way to full transition, and that a lot of times people don't fully transition, so they stay somewhere in between. Anywho, androgynous sounds right to me for what you've said. I don't feel these things have to be permanent though, like you don't necessarily stay the same your whole life. You do grow and evolve from your experiences and it makes sense to me that gender identity may or may not change with you. Identity is only partially physical (and even that changes - maybe not sex without some aid, but your body in general), the rest is psychological so there's less of an anchor in that.

A therapist would be best of course, but for what my two cents are worth. . .

I don't know if I could describe my feelings as you have. I don't really feel like a girl at anytime, and I've never felt like a boy (s'pose that's what androgyny is? XD) but I know my characteristics and behaviors can be described as either masculine or feminine. So I don't really know how to describe it I guess. All I could suggest really is do what's right by you, you'll find your comfort zone and then you'll know.

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Gender queer sounds like it might cover what you're describing, if not androgynous. I'm still trying to understand the differences in a bunch of terms myself, let alone the experience. Reading here androgyny seems like a stop on the way to full transition, and that a lot of times people don't fully transition, so they stay somewhere in between. Anywho, androgynous sounds right to me for what you've said. I don't feel these things have to be permanent though, like you don't necessarily stay the same your whole life. You do grow and evolve from your experiences and it makes sense to me that gender identity may or may not change with you. Identity is only partially physical (and even that changes - maybe not sex without some aid, but your body in general), the rest is psychological so there's less of an anchor in that.

A therapist would be best of course, but for what my two cents are worth. . .

I don't know if I could describe my feelings as you have. I don't really feel like a girl at anytime, and I've never felt like a boy (s'pose that's what androgyny is? XD) but I know my characteristics and behaviors can be described as either masculine or feminine. So I don't really know how to describe it I guess. All I could suggest really is do what's right by you, you'll find your comfort zone and then you'll know.

I just wish I knew what it was lol. I did identify as FTM and still kinda do but I can't help but feel it's wrong =/ It's just a little annoying, ya know?

I am unsure what all the names mean. I do believe that Androgyny is the feeling of both genders?

I read some on Trigender (that thread in this section...) but I totally didn't understand it... There's a lot I don't understand and I want to learn more so that I can figure out who I am... :lol:

Yeah I will be seeing one and if it's the same one that I had before than she will help me through all this. I hope o.o

What do you identify with and how are you getting through it?

Carden you too... I forgot to ask :lol:

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Guest Micha

Andro, totally. Def not masculine, though some traits are. Not many though, just a few. There's a lot of deprograming I gotta do too, from being raised male. I have a lot of feminine traits, but not to the point where I'd call myself transexual. . .I don't want to be a woman, I'm just not much of a man. So that being somewhere in the middle, or perhaps being neither is why I identify as androgynous. I don't really know what it is to feel feminine or masculine, but I know what traits I have that can be labeled as such.

Getting through, I don't know. . .I'm not sure now how to be anymore. Kinda like I missed out on about twenty years of living and I gotta figure it all out now, while supporting a family and dealing with money and work, etc. . .maybe that's the most difficult. Trying to recondition myself to the point where I feel comfortable being me. That's a slow process. One huge thing though, after being here, is I don't feel the need to talk to anyone about it. Like, instead of announcing it to loved ones I can just be me, and let anyone think of it as they will. I'd like to wear more feminine clothes maybe, try out make up and whatnot, but other than that it's more about how I feel and act than it is how I look, or what my body is. Androgynes can get away with that I suppose, where most trans people can't. My first post here was huge to me, and after that, an issue that felt overwhelming and impossible became something I can actually feel good about. Now it's just a matter of unlearning the man training and rediscovering myself.

The self is all important. It's you, s'all you got. If you don't know yourself, you can't love yourself, and then life is hell, internally especially. I really wish I had advice, but all I got is my own limited experience and a hope that just reflecting on that can give you some insight.

I do understand the need for vocabulary to describe yourself and your feelings. It's not easy for me to just be me without knowing what "me" is, and the vocabulary helps. I'd look up gender fluid and agender too, along with gender queer. Perhaps you shift from one thing to another, then back again or on to something else. Call yourself a chameleon! ^^

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Andro, totally. Def not masculine, though some traits are. Not many though, just a few. There's a lot of deprograming I gotta do too, from being raised male. I have a lot of feminine traits, but not to the point where I'd call myself transexual. . .I don't want to be a woman, I'm just not much of a man. So that being somewhere in the middle, or perhaps being neither is why I identify as androgynous. I don't really know what it is to feel feminine or masculine, but I know what traits I have that can be labeled as such.

Getting through, I don't know. . .I'm not sure now how to be anymore. Kinda like I missed out on about twenty years of living and I gotta figure it all out now, while supporting a family and dealing with money and work, etc. . .maybe that's the most difficult. Trying to recondition myself to the point where I feel comfortable being me. That's a slow process. One huge thing though, after being here, is I don't feel the need to talk to anyone about it. Like, instead of announcing it to loved ones I can just be me, and let anyone think of it as they will. I'd like to wear more feminine clothes maybe, try out make up and whatnot, but other than that it's more about how I feel and act than it is how I look, or what my body is. Androgynes can get away with that I suppose, where most trans people can't. My first post here was huge to me, and after that, an issue that felt overwhelming and impossible became something I can actually feel good about. Now it's just a matter of unlearning the man training and rediscovering myself.

The self is all important. It's you, s'all you got. If you don't know yourself, you can't love yourself, and then life is hell, internally especially. I really wish I had advice, but all I got is my own limited experience and a hope that just reflecting on that can give you some insight.

I do understand the need for vocabulary to describe yourself and your feelings. It's not easy for me to just be me without knowing what "me" is, and the vocabulary helps. I'd look up gender fluid and agender too, along with gender queer. Perhaps you shift from one thing to another, then back again or on to something else. Call yourself a chameleon! ^^

That sounds like a plan!!! Can someone add Chameleon to the list of genders please!! xD My new identity !!!

:D

I just want to be able to put a label (as much as I hate them!!) on me :lol: I am struggling not only with my Gender Identity but also with my Sexuality... :( That's not going so well... I am "Pan" to put a label on it but I am trying to deal with other stuff around all of it as well...

I want people to see me for me as me... It's hard even for me to except.

I will most likely transition as FtM and then go from there. I can always go back to my "old" identity: FtM Andro...

It worked well and it fit me just fine :D

But... It's a hard thing to have to explain to other people...

Just think though... There are so many people that have to Come Out as something and in my opinion may have it worse off then the Transgender Community because they are less accepted than us... Long story and may make sense to some people as to what I am talking about without having to say it... :unsure:;)

Anyways, I think that I went off track...

So how do you plan on "Transitioning" (and yes to me EVERYONE can transition in one way or another... :) )?

*hugs*

LeeAsher

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Guest Carden

If I were to nail myself down, I would say Andro.

For the most part I feel like I am both very masculine but also very feminine.

How do I get through? I just do what i feel is right. The way I dress, the way I act, the way I feel. I don't fight any of it (I used to though).

I agree, having to explain it to others is difficult. Which is why I don't. Initially, I tried. People either got it, didn't get it because they didn't want to or didn't get it because it was too confusing to them. Also, I find it hard to explain something that I don't fully understand myself.

I am just me. XD

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
If I were to nail myself down, I would say Andro.

For the most part I feel like I am both very masculine but also very feminine.

How do I get through? I just do what i feel is right. The way I dress, the way I act, the way I feel. I don't fight any of it (I used to though).

I agree, having to explain it to others is difficult. Which is why I don't. Initially, I tried. People either got it, didn't get it because they didn't want to or didn't get it because it was too confusing to them. Also, I find it hard to explain something that I don't fully understand myself.

I am just me. XD

I am also afraid that if I even tell some people they'll be like what the heck... Because I came out as FTM...

So do you just like... act like whatever you feel? And does it come easily for you?

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Guest Carden

Mmm. Understandable.

Essentially yes. I don't have anything holding me back anymore. At first it was difficult to act how I truly wanted to because I was afraid of what people would think of me and what the consequences would be because of that. Then I realized that my friends like me for who I am, my family loves me, and no one can change my attitude towards myself. So I stopped caring about what people thought and at first it was hard because teenagers can be unforgiving and ruthless. But within a month or so, no one cared anymore. (I shocked myself at first because I am one of the shyest people I know).

Now I am running around dying my hair crazy colours and dressing like a confused boy who likes short shorts.

Now it comes easily. Of course I am a bit on the quieter side but I just try to stay as true to myself as possible.

I hope that made sense, I am sooo tired right now that the thought came and went too fast for me to type it out properly. XD

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Mmm. Understandable.

Essentially yes. I don't have anything holding me back anymore. At first it was difficult to act how I truly wanted to because I was afraid of what people would think of me and what the consequences would be because of that. Then I realized that my friends like me for who I am, my family loves me, and no one can change my attitude towards myself. So I stopped caring about what people thought and at first it was hard because teenagers can be unforgiving and ruthless. But within a month or so, no one cared anymore. (I shocked myself at first because I am one of the shyest people I know).

Now I am running around dying my hair crazy colours and dressing like a confused boy who likes short shorts.

Now it comes easily. Of course I am a bit on the quieter side but I just try to stay as true to myself as possible.

I hope that made sense, I am sooo tired right now that the thought came and went too fast for me to type it out properly. XD

I just act like me as best as I can... I correct people when they call me she and I say he... Although today in Chat someone called me boy and I got upset over it :blink:

I am glad that you decided to not care what other people think because they aren't worth it if they can't accept you for you :D

Your hair is like a bluish greenish right?

It totally made sense xD

*hugs*

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Guest Carden

I get why you would get upset. I used to get upset about things that didn't even make sense to get upset over. I guess I am more ... numb ... about the topic now. Not in the bad way though. I just can let things slid and never think of them again. XD Which comes in handy sometimes and others it isn't so useful.

Heck yeah. Live to please yourself while still caring for others. Love it.

Yeppers. Only problem with having it blue is everytime my bangs blow in my face I go, "Ohhh, bluuue." yay for ADD. ;p

*huggles*

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
I get why you would get upset. I used to get upset about things that didn't even make sense to get upset over. I guess I am more ... numb ... about the topic now. Not in the bad way though. I just can let things slid and never think of them again. XD Which comes in handy sometimes and others it isn't so useful.

Heck yeah. Live to please yourself while still caring for others. Love it.

Yeppers. Only problem with having it blue is everytime my bangs blow in my face I go, "Ohhh, bluuue." yay for ADD. ;p

*huggles*

It's really odd the way I feel xD

I just don't understand a lot right now :lol:

I need to work on a lot right now I guess xD

I don't care what people in public think. I don't know them so who cares?

:D :D

Ohhhh blue :D LOVE it :D

Your welcome ;)

*huggles*

psst I love that word btw :D

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Guest Carden

I hate having the confused surreal feeling.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about life, heavy or light. Or anything, for that matter. XD

Seven faces in one post, I think that is a record. :D

Huggles is a good word. :)

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
I hate having the confused surreal feeling.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about life, heavy or light. Or anything, for that matter. XD

Seven faces in one post, I think that is a record. :D

Huggles is a good word. :)

Yeah.

I will when you least expect it xD Not really I am pretty predictable =/ Or so I am told xD

No way!!! I made a thread to help people with all the little icons (I have no life...) and I had to go back and delete some because I had put over the max xD

I love the word Huggles :D

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Guest praisedbeherhooves
I find myself questioning everything about myself...

I was born a biological female and as I was growing up I always felt male...

But lately I been wanting to drop the male label...

I been feeling both at times and then randomly I feel neither...

Like I just feel like a person but like I'm not *anything*...

But for the most part I feel both...

At one point I was identifying as FTM Andro...

Which I guess wouldn't really make sense to some??

Oh well :lol:

Anyways, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this...?

:(

I know how you feel. I feel like a guy mostly but I wish I didn't have to deal with gender in the first place. I prefer to look like a really girly guy. I go by gender queer to people who I know well and male to people I don't know well. I don't act particularly male or particularly female. I have some feminine traits, some androgynous and some masculine traits, but mostly masculine or androgynous traits. I just wish I could do what I want and not have to put a label on what gender the action is.

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Guest Micha
So how do you plan on "Transitioning" (and yes to me EVERYONE can transition in one way or another... :) )?

*hugs*

LeeAsher

Hmm. . .well, I guess I have a lot more introspection to do (which used to scare me cuz I'd get all depressed, but now it's kind of exciting). I don't know how far I'll go with appearance cuz I'll never be as cute as I want, so it seems pointless to worry about it at all. I plan on focusing on feeling and behavior, just to find my own comfort zone and call it good. ^^ Sounds simple I guess, but it's not. I just have no idea really how to go about it. Nyeh, I thought I had this figured out!

*hugsback* ^^

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
I know how you feel. I feel like a guy mostly but I wish I didn't have to deal with gender in the first place. I prefer to look like a really girly guy. I go by gender queer to people who I know well and male to people I don't know well. I don't act particularly male or particularly female. I have some feminine traits, some androgynous and some masculine traits, but mostly masculine or androgynous traits. I just wish I could do what I want and not have to put a label on what gender the action is.

I have to ask... What is Gender Queer? I hear it ALL the time but I still don't know the meaning. I have friends from my Queer Youth Center that go by that and well I was wondering for the longest time but just never had the guts to ask them :blush:

Hmm. . .well, I guess I have a lot more introspection to do (which used to scare me cuz I'd get all depressed, but now it's kind of exciting). I don't know how far I'll go with appearance cuz I'll never be as cute as I want, so it seems pointless to worry about it at all. I plan on focusing on feeling and behavior, just to find my own comfort zone and call it good. ^^ Sounds simple I guess, but it's not. I just have no idea really how to go about it. Nyeh, I thought I had this figured out!

*hugsback* ^^

I hope that you are able to figure it all out :D

It does seem hard to figure it out :lol:

*hugs* ^_^

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Guest Evan_J
Andro, totally. Def not masculine, though some traits are. Not many though, just a few. There's a lot of deprograming I gotta do too, from being raised male. I have a lot of feminine traits, but not to the point where I'd call myself transexual. . .I don't want to be a woman, I'm just not much of a man. So that being somewhere in the middle, or perhaps being neither is why I identify as androgynous. I don't really know what it is to feel feminine or masculine, but I know what traits I have that can be labeled as such.
Impulsive thought that I hadda reply on:

I dunno what's "wrong" with being a feminine person who identifies as a man IF thats what you identify as? I dunno I just always see these guys who are real feminine and I think they look guys a bunch of "people" (<<I leave that for who ever wants to) would be after? I might not choose them for a person to date (cuz I like interacting with peeps girly parts ) , and I know mainstream society "craps" on such guys, but when I hear "I definately don't want to be a woman" I think "ok, well, no problem with that, but why ......I guess I image and I could be way outta line....why "avoid" just calling it being a man but really feminine?" Cuz saying its because "I'm just not much of a man" sounds like you're denying it to yourself because you've accepted some kind of judgement against your executing it up to "par". And I gotta shut now cuz I'm WAAAAY out of my field of knowledge but read that and thought what I thought.

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Guest Micha
Impulsive thought that I hadda reply on:

I dunno what's "wrong" with being a feminine person who identifies as a man IF thats what you identify as? I dunno I just always see these guys who are real feminine and I think they look guys a bunch of "people" (<<I leave that for who ever wants to) would be after? I might not choose them for a person to date (cuz I like interacting with peeps girly parts ) , and I know mainstream society "craps" on such guys, but when I hear "I definately don't want to be a woman" I think "ok, well, no problem with that, but why ......I guess I image and I could be way outta line....why "avoid" just calling it being a man but really feminine?" Cuz saying its because "I'm just not much of a man" sounds like you're denying it to yourself because you've accepted some kind of judgement against your executing it up to "par". And I gotta shut now cuz I'm WAAAAY out of my field of knowledge but read that and thought what I thought.

Oh, no, please don't shut up. Especially not after you've confused me so! o.O

I don't physically want to be a woman. I've come to enjoy this "guy's" body. I'd like to be prettier, but it's not that big a deal, just kind of like representing externally what I feel internally, or something like that. I wouldn't change my physical sex at all, as a personal preference. Also, I don't feel I am much of a man, and I suppose that is based on preconceived standards of "manliness," the par for the course of being male.

I guess it may be as simple as being an effeminate man, and then vocabulary such as androgynous becomes kind of redundant, but I think it simplifies things, just from what I've experienced. I'm not clever enough to really clarify though. . . :unsure:

I enjoy your insight, so please keep on going.

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
This non-binary stuff gets complicated. :lol:

Yup it does xD

Impulsive thought that I hadda reply on:

I dunno what's "wrong" with being a feminine person who identifies as a man IF thats what you identify as? I dunno I just always see these guys who are real feminine and I think they look guys a bunch of "people" (<<I leave that for who ever wants to) would be after? I might not choose them for a person to date (cuz I like interacting with peeps girly parts ) , and I know mainstream society "craps" on such guys, but when I hear "I definately don't want to be a woman" I think "ok, well, no problem with that, but why ......I guess I image and I could be way outta line....why "avoid" just calling it being a man but really feminine?" Cuz saying its because "I'm just not much of a man" sounds like you're denying it to yourself because you've accepted some kind of judgement against your executing it up to "par". And I gotta shut now cuz I'm WAAAAY out of my field of knowledge but read that and thought what I thought.

You confused me too Evan :(

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Roux

I'm so behind on my forum-checking.

The flip-flopping between genders sounds pretty much like my experience. Sometimes I feel like a female; sometimes a male. More often, I'm either a masculine female or a very feminine male. For the last year or so, I started to wonder if I was a FTM; other times I feel like a MTF who woke up in a female body and realized that hey, this isn't exactly right for me, either.

So usually I spend my time rolling around in the grey middle area of the binary, but sometimes I'll slide to either extreme end.

When I have to describe "what I am", I call myself a gender-fluid androgyne. I'm an androgyne. Whose gender moves fluidly around the spectrum. That's the least confusing term/description I could come up with--though I'm not sure that it's exactly easy to understand. Oh well. =)

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      Goodness! You sure have been busy! That's really crappy of what your oldest pulled. That part about the talking about getting asked if it's an enhancement was funny. I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it? 
    • Desert Fox
      I read this thread with great interest…thank you, Sally for sharing your life in this detail. As I too identify as bigender, I suppose I am also looking for validation of my experience because I don’t know many transgender individuals that stay in a long-term part-time situation. For most, bigender seems to be a temporary step to fill-time transition or it is more of something someone puts on, as in cross dressing or drag. I have always struggled to explain how someone could legitimately have two identities sharing one body, yet that’s basically how it has been for me for my whole life, all the way back to early childhood.    You and I are roughly in the same era, and growing up with gender variance was different than it is nowadays. Some of our experiences were similar, but generally your life went quite differently than mine.   Back in the day, a part-time person was called a transvestite and a full-timer was called a transsexual (often committing to bottom surgery as well), but I’ve really come to dislike the cross dresser/transvestite label because it tends to be associated with those who are fine with being cis, but like to dress in drag for fun or fetish. And that doesn’t describe all part-timers. I would say that I’m actually a transsexual who chose never to transition, and presenting female part-time is how I have coped with lifelong gender dysphoria. I don’t like myself being male, and never did, I simply accept that I am and have lived most of my life that way and just don’t care to put in the effort and money to transition.  I’m naturally a pretty girly male but I have to add hair, makeup and clothing to present female and I also try to “tone down” my girliness in male form. True androgyny never worked for me; I always switched between male and female looks, but at least that allowed me to use public bathrooms without issue.     I’m very curious - did you have a set of people, ie friends, family, coworkers, who only knew you as “male” and another set who knew you as Sally, with only a few (like your wife) knowing both sides? Such was more or less the case with me. 
    • mattie22
      I feel like a fake sometimes I am not really transfeminine WELL UNDER THEAT UMBRALA but whatever i call it. Like i do not deserve it others know ealer than me and did not identify as their gender at birth well It is more like just enough of me did to get by growing up and there were not many other options on what else i could be and when i got older i just found out about the standard trans people feel like they're born in the wrong body and i saw my self as a male so this could not be me even though it did not comply fit me. even though there is a part of me that likes to be seen and treated like a woman and ideally would probably like to live at least 70 percent of my time as one and perhaps the rest as male but what does this make a freak. also, I am around people who do not like people like me and they are family and do not know. this makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I wonder if I m just some gnc male, who is just using this as an escape if I become a woman for real I do not have to deal with all the crap that comes with being a feminine bisexual male. There are so many layers.
    • MaeBe
      I bet you looked every pennies worth of that million! I'm sure, even beyond the courtier's interactions it was a very fun evening.
    • MaeBe
      I haven't been posting much, it's been a bit of a whirlwind: My wife took a job in WA State, meaning we're moving halfway across the country by the end of the Summer. I was told "it would be good if you had a new job by the end of the month", meaning I'm getting laid off at the same time. My eldest snuck booze while we were at our friends' house, had a bad interaction with his anti-depressants, and then had the huevos to lie that he wasn't drunk while accusing us of not trusting him. There's been a lot to process lately.   That said, I got called ma'am for the first time today while out. Twice! I can't stop thinking about it. Later, my dad showed up without plan to watch the Liverpool match and I was way more girled up (see ma'am) than he's ever seen me; hair, makeup, tight top, skinny jeans, and brand new sandals. At one point he pointed at my boob and asked, "is that 'enhancement'?". If you call a t-shirt bra enhancement, I guess? "Nope, that's just me!". Later, my boss came at me all passive-aggressive via chat after hours, too. I'm kind of tired with his -crap-. I won't have a job in two weeks, so it's cool to just assume I'm sabotaging things? K. /eyeroll   It's been an interesting day.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 12   “First Kiss”   It was October 29th, 2003.  My dear friend Willa had purchased tickets for the two of us to attend “Red Hot Halloween,” a public Halloween party held at the Sanctuary in downtown Pittsburgh.  The event was a fund raiser benefitting the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force.  It was a great cause but it was also the perfect opportunity to let the adventurous side of my feminine persona have a little fun.    My first question to Willa was: “What should I wear?”    “Are you kidding?” She responded.  “This is your opportunity to be the Sally of your dreams.  I suggest you dress to impress.”   My first thought was to dress naughty.  It was Halloween, so it could be the perfect venue for something with an erotic edge to it.  I thought about going as a dominatrix or a naughty French maid.  After we talked about it, and weighed the pros and cons, Willa and I decided against naughty, and instead, chose to wear the fanciest evening gowns we could find.  Willa bought an expensive, silver sequined gown, and matching high-heels just for the event.  Me, on the other hand, I couldn’t justify spending big bucks on an evening gown for a single event, so I took a less expensive route.  It is amazing what you can find on the sale racks at big department stores when you look hard enough.  For a mere 30-dollars, I found a black, sleeveless column gown with matching bolero jacket.  The dress had a slit up the right leg, and it went all the way to my upper thigh, very sexy.  Being a column dress, it was form-fitting, and hugged my curves like a glove.  To complement my dress, I wore black patent high-heel pumps, a long blonde wig, and a set of long red fingernails.  As I recall, it took me three-hours just to do my makeup.  The end result, though, was worth the effort, because I felt like a million bucks.  It’s so obvious, why girls love dressing up – it’s an unbelievable high!   Inside the club it was a sea of bodies and the costumes were amazing.  At one point, I was standing on a balcony that overlooked the dance floor.  I was nursing a cocktail and watching the crowd.  Suddenly, there was a gentleman standing next to me; I didn’t notice his approach.  He told me I looked fabulous and he offered to buy me another drink.  I declined his drink offer, but we struck up a conversation.  Being a little slow, it took me a while to realize he was hitting on me. I never imagined anyone would ever actually be attracted to Sally, which I think contributed to my cluelessness.  So, I was shocked, and initially, a little creeped out as well.  After all, I wasn't into guys, and this was new to me.  As we continued talking, and he kept throwing accolades my way, I went from being uncomfortable to actually being flattered.    The event, being an AIDS fund raiser, had me assuming this guy was hitting on me because he was gay, and he thought I was, as well.  I wanted to set the record straight, so I casually mentioned that I wasn’t gay.  To my amazement, he responded by saying: “neither am I.”  Okay, now what was I supposed to do?  I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to send the wrong message either.  While I was trying to decide how to tell him I wasn’t interested, he asked if he could kiss me.  Not sure what I was thinking at that moment, I said “okay.”  He kissed me, and as strange as it was, I gave into it, not pulling away or disengaging.  It wasn’t a super passionate kiss, but it was more than a friendly peck on the lips, and I actually enjoyed it.  When we separated; however, I got the sense his passion had cooled.  I could only assume that my response to his kiss sent some kind of message that I wasn’t interested.    Whatever it was he picked up on, it let me off the hook, and I didn’t have to rebuff any further advances.  For this I was grateful, but at the same time, I was actually a little disappointed.  Clearly, I wasn’t going to lead him on, but it was so gratifying to know I had sparked his interest.  Despite his diminished passion, and his obvious realization I wasn’t going to be his girl, he remained the perfect gentleman.  We chatted for a few minutes more, then he gave me the nicest smile.  Again, he commented on how terrific I looked.  Then he added, “maybe I’ll see you later.”    It was hard for me to reconcile how I could have garnered the attention of a man.  In my mind’s eye, I knew my feminine presentation didn’t completely mask my birth sex, so why would a self-proclaimed straight guy actually be interested in me?  Had it been the only time something like this would happen, I would have chalked it up to random chance.  But it wouldn’t be the last time a man would hit on me.  It doesn’t happen often, but it still occurs more than I would have guessed, and I'm always surprised.    I have never asked, but I have always been curious to know my would-be suitor’s motivations.  Were they hitting on me simply because they happened to be fond of trans women, or was their attraction triggered by connecting with my inner woman?  And, however unlikely, did they mistake me for a cis woman?  I guess it really doesn’t matter much one way or the other, because ultimately, I’m not looking for any kind of a relationship.  However, I’d be fibbing if I said I wasn’t at least a little interested in another opportunity to get kissed.   Hugs,   Sally
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