This Is Probably A Stupid Question But..

[Guest Nameless]

I dont suppose its possible for me to completely forget about transitioning..? Its never going to happen for me, im destined to sit back in life and just observe. A lot like my grandfather did, everyone said he was a genius and he had so much potential, but he never bothered to go through with any of it and ended up building cars I believe. Then during his retired life, he did spent some time traveling around in caravans, but the whole time I knew him, literally all he did was sit in his chair, read newspaper/books and watch sport/news on tv. He rarely spoke. He died of lung cancer a few years ago. I only refer to this because its highly likely my life will be very similar. In fact I dont think anyone in my family ever did anything special with their lives.

I just want to forget it so I dont have to be reminded of how impossible it is for me. I dont want to freak out about things like my height, I grew another centimeter some time this week, making me 6 foot 2

Its not going to happen so I need a way to forget it, then I can get on with my sad excuse for a life.

and no, I cant see a therapist because even if I did manage to scrounge up enough courage to tell someone that I was even depressed, I would just find some excuse to not go or completely lie to the therapist so I can leave.

[Guest Chandra]

This is not a stupid question, there is always hope, you never know what life has in store for you.

If you want something bad enough in life you will find a way to make it happen my friend.

Best Wishes, Love and hugs, Chandra

[Guest Donna Jean]

Nameless.....

It's obvious that you're feeling pretty low and hopeless....

That is the bane of the Transperson...

We tend to be that way at times...and it hurts...I know..

But, Dear Heart...you have to want to do it...no one will take you through without your consent...

The therapist...you have to WANT to go...

You realize what it will lead to...HRT, Surgery...

You will have a very hard time just "sitting back" if in fact you are Trans, because thius condition will no go away...

Oh, it may subside for a time, but, it always comes back...probably stronger...

That's why I'm transitioning at 60...

Lizzie McTrucker is 6' 5 "

Sally is 6' 4"....

Lizzy is 6' 2"

They all pass beautiufully!

Do not give up this easy....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Dear Nameless,

I am the reigning champion of wasted potential around here so I am going to tell you a little something - I have spent my life starting and never finishing so many projects in so many different fields that it is hard to believe that I dabbled in so many areas.

Along with my height of 6'4" and weight - down to 325 pounds the fear of failure, actually the stench of failures past has made me afraid to transition for so long because of my fear of never finishing.

I have more baggage than most and yet once I decided tht I had to do this I have never looked back - the only things that can stop my transition are health issues - I'm not too sure that they would give me HRT through IVs if I ended up in coma after a car crash - money, I will find a way.

I finally found something that I care enough about to finish, well actually two things - I have finished my book of poetry and this time my delay on sending it to my publisher (well perspective publisher - they want to read it first) is not just my procrastination - I have asked a very dear friend who has read almost every poem in the book - all but about 3 or 4 to write a little bio about the author and a little about the book itself - I have seen this done before by friends of the author and it would lend a little more credence to the trans issues if it is documented that I am really trans.

My point is that you can finish something if you are motivated to do so - like my move to New Orleans - I am making these things happen, totally turning around my past history and starting over - you can do it too - you just have to want to.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Emily Ray]

Nameless,

Most of us have tried exactly what you are proposing for yourself. It has cost me personally two children I will never see again probably. Twenty years of living my life, my way. Much better results from hormones once I did start. Twenty years with my family that became too painful to be around so I ran away. Twenty years pursuing dreams that were gender correct and ok but not mine. Four months into transition and I am the happiest person alive. I only see good things on the horizon.

If you are worried about your height then go see a womens volleyball tournament and see all the women taller than you. If basketball is played there even better. You can be different then your family. You don't have to be like them. Knowing what I know now you could drop me in the middle of aisia and I would find a way to transition. Some courts here have said that withholding hormones from prisoners is cruel and unusual punishment. If you are really a MtF don't punish yourself but get help at all costs whatever you need to sacrifice will be paid back in gold. IMHO it is not near precious enough for me to give this up. Nothing is period. What I used to think was a good time is like hanging laundry today.

There are no dumb questions

I'm not sure of your age, but if your family turns out not to be helpful at eighteen get a job and your independence. You will make a new family that loves and supports you the real you. Even if it is just one person who knows and loves you the rest are unimportant. These are the things I just learned in the last month so its fresh off the blackboard

Huggs

[Guest Nameless]

If you are worried about your height then go see a womens volleyball tournament and see all the women taller than you. If basketball is played there even better. You can be different then your family. You don't have to be like them. Knowing what I know now you could drop me in the middle of aisia and I would find a way to transition. Some courts here have said that withholding hormones from prisoners is cruel and unusual punishment. If you are really a MtF don't punish yourself but get help at all costs whatever you need to sacrifice will be paid back in gold. IMHO it is not near precious enough for me to give this up. Nothing is period. What I used to think was a good time is like hanging laundry today.

I'm not sure of your age, but if your family turns out not to be helpful at eighteen get a job and your independence. You will make a new family that loves and supports you the real you. Even if it is just one person who knows and loves you the rest are unimportant. These are the things I just learned in the last month so its fresh off the blackboard

Yeah but I bet those volleyball/basketball players dont have the broadest shoulders like I do... I would be built like a rugby player if I had more weight on me..

Well im recently 16, but im not sure if my family would be helpful... my mum would probably be okay with it, seeing as how she at least supports gays/lesbians, so she would probably be fine.. But my dad would likely disown me. Hes homophobic as anything and no doubt transphobic if the situation arises... the main thing that ended my parents marriage (there were other issues, but this was the final straw) was because my dad had a huge problem with my mums gay friends. My sister.. well she doesnt count, shes 12 so her opinion doesnt bother me.

But it doesnt matter if even my mum would be okay, I dont have the courage to tell her and shes so Gosh darned oblivious to any hints I give. I left nail polish lying around, she assumed my sister left it there even though she hadnt been home that day. I've dropped numerous hints in conversation and she doesnt give them a second thought. She even caught me in the middle of painting my nails, so I hide my nails under my bed and the paint was hidden but she could clearly see and smell the nail polish remover. Someone will have to explain this to me, but she assumed I was making drugs or something wiht it... ??????

Its impossible. I cant tell anyone, nobody else can work it out and its causing me so much stress because my body is just getting worse!! I grew this week, i thought i was done growing...

Also I have to get a haircut this weekend and then ill have short hair, I hate short hair...

I want to give up on it, but I cant while I know i'd be happier if I did it.. so I need to forget about it.. somehow..

[Guest mistygirl7]

hun...

i have a friend who is a mtf like us, and she is 6'5" with broad shoulders too. she is passable. she only been on hrt for 8 month and things are going really well for her. if she is able to go through those thing so can you. no ones perfit. i have broad shoulders too but that aint stopping me. if you are really trans these feeling wont go away.

it also clearly your mom kinda know whats up with you. she just waiting to you to tell her. i say go for it. feeling hopless is never the answer if you want somw thing you have to get it your self nothing comes easy. iv only been on hrt for 6 month and im as happy as i ever been in my life. it your call.

huggs

~MISTY~

[Guest Evan_J]

I guess my question is what is it you fear? Usually when we (all humans) sound like this its because its easier to "fail" and "do nothing" than face "x" even if "x" is sucess itself . (People do fear suceeding you know) They also [are able to] fear happiness, love, friendship..... So do you fear one of those? Or your family? Or peoples reactions?

[Guest Nameless]

I guess my question is what is it you fear? Usually when we (all humans) sound like this its because its easier to "fail" and "do nothing" than face "x" even if "x" is sucess itself . (People do fear suceeding you know) They also [are able to] fear happiness, love, friendship..... So do you fear one of those? Or your family? Or peoples reactions?

I'm not sure... let me think about it...

*Pause for thinking..*

Hmm... well there are a few things... but the main one is that im an incredibly stubborn person and at some point for some reason I decided it was easier to just keep all my problems to myself and appear perfectly fine to everyone and snap at anyone who asks me about it.. Its been like that for years.. but now because of how stubborn I am, I sort of cant break that..

So I cant just tell somebody and also, I dont think theyd believe theres anything wrong because of how I snap at everyone and keep things to myself.

Also im kind of afraid that im going to look pretty bad.. I mean my face is actually pretty neutral gendered, but the rest of my body isnt and you cant exactly change that..

[Guest Donna Jean]

Also im kind of afraid that im going to look pretty bad.. I mean my face is actually pretty neutral gendered, but the rest of my body isnt and you cant exactly change that..

Honey, everyone explained to you that you'll change a LOT on HRT......

Listen......

For many years, one of the things that held me back from transitioning was when I looked in the mirror and said to myself..(You'll NEVER be able to look like a woman!")

I lost a lot of years that way....

But, this last time I realized that it wasn't about how I'd look...I'm a woman, Dang it!

I'm going to transition regardless of how I look...I have to be true to myself!

And, in the end, it all worked out fine...take a look at some of my gallery pics....

You CAN do it if you really want/need to!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearheart

You are not your grandfather. You should not compare your life to his. You are not alone in that feeling of hopelessness (we all go through that from time to time). Try to keep in mind that your future is constantly unfolding. Where it will take you is unknown. What you can be is endless

Love

Brenda

[Guest ricka]

Hon, all of us have our low points when we can't see anyway to get from where we are to where we want to be. If for no other reason this is why we are all here for each other at Laura's to help us through these rough times when we are unable to see the path ahead of us. Don't look back, Darlin'! Don't look at your grandfather's life!!! This is just a set up for failure. I am a tall woman---6'3" naturally and nearly 6'5" in heels! I love being tall. My best friend is tall like me and she is fabulously gorgeous! There is something really imposing about tall women. I don't know what your gender preference is but I find it not unusual for shorter men to find us taller gals attractive and I am very much attracted to shorter men. The point is that height not be any barrier to transitioning as a woman. The barriers only are in our own minds. Sweetie---what is your next step? It need only be a small one. Do you have to cut your hair? Sometimes it is just buying an article of clothing or a piece of jewelry or make-up.

Hugs, Ricka

[Flint]

I tried ignoring the prospect of transitioning. But the way i ignored it was to live in the male role as much as possible. I.e anyone who knew me as Matt carried on to do so, but I wasn't going to go on hormones or get surgery or ANYTHING at all.

I was in fear. Of so many things. I was fearing society's reaction, I was fearing EVERYTHING i was fearing the health risks. I was also very much in love and honestly thought the love would be enough to keep me going throughout my life without transitioning. I honestly believed this with all my heart. But after having a complete break down that lasted for several weeks to months I realised the reason I was so lost and depressed. Okay so i was sad cause i'd lost a loved one in my life, but what made it 10 times worse was the fact that now all those things I'd managed to FORCE myself to believe were so, so false that it was almost unbelievable that I could even get myself that far into a state of denial. I knew where the true despair was coming from, it was coming from a loss AND it was coming from a place of despair that I'd had the whole time, buried deep down under the surface. Suppressed as far as possible. It was MY OWN doing and only I could undo that! I'd put myself into that state of denial and I'd let myself stay there. In fact I'm still somewhat in this space of fear. There are several things I KNOW I NEED to do, HAVE to do and I'm so scared I stop myself.

Honestly it's not a nice place to be, you can see that for yourself.

You can try to deny it, and you know what? you may very well be successful in managing to lie to yourself, but thats the point it's one big lie. And believe me when I say this, no matter how much you can make yourself believe it for now, for a few months for a whole year even one day it WILL come back to haunt you. And all along it will have been there haunting you, but so deep within that even you won't have seen it.

So the best advice I can give you is?

Keep going, don't force yourself to forget about this. Because this isn't something that will just go away. It'll linger and it'll lurk and come back and bite you further down the line.

[Guest Nameless]

No.. I cant do it. It just will never happen for me. As much as I want it to, im never going to be in a position for it to work. But its my own fault.

Ill just have to go back to hoping that maybe in another life ill be happy with myself.. and i dont even believe in other lives..

This really sucks..

[Guest angie]

There are many trans natured folks that choose not to,or cannot

transition for whatever reason.There is no shame in that,or need

to apologize either.Knowing,and admitting you know in your heart

you were born wrong gendered,may have to be enough.Not all whom

visit the Playground will go through transition.They tend to live vicariously

through those of us who are becoming our true gender.She will not go away.

You will always know she is in there,and learn how to deal with knowing.

Warmest Hugs,

Angelique

[Guest Donna Jean]

No.. I cant do it. It just will never happen for me. As much as I want it to, im never going to be in a position for it to work. But its my own fault.

Ill just have to go back to hoping that maybe in another life ill be happy with myself.. and i dont even believe in other lives..

This really sucks..

Let me just say one thing, Hon.......

No one here is going to try to convince you TO do it.....

What everyone is saying is that you CAN do it.....

Maybe you'll have to wait a bit....maybe longer or shorter......

Donna Jean

[Guest ChalenAustin]

Why do you think you will never be in a position?

[Guest Leah1026]

No.. I cant do it. It just will never happen for me. As much as I want it to, im never going to be in a position for it to work. But its my own fault.

The only thing holding you back is YOU and someday you will realize that.

The system in Australia is more difficult, but not impossible.

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

Everyone here including you posted what your main fear is with transitioning but no one said it outright.

I believe that the only fear holding you back is that you don't want to lose the acceptance from the ones that you care about. But here's the thing, they are not accepting you only the person you are assuming. All of us go through a certain part of our life acting like someone we're not sometimes for ourselves othertimes for the ones that we care for, but there will come a time in your life where the act will come to an end. Perhaps this is not the right time for you, heck it took me 39 years to quit lieing to myself, I lost many friends and relationships along the way. And when I think about what I could have had if only I was truthful with myself I become very depressed.

If you ask me I would tell you to do what makes you happy and at the very least be truthfull with yourself. Admit to yourself that you are female and that at this present time I can not move forward with correcting the problem but this is one of my goals in life. You'll be amazed on how much just being truthful with yourself will help with your self esteem. From there you may find that the way that you act and your attitude will change, when you feel good about yourself you'll find more people that will be interested in being your friend. After all the first person you need to gain acceptance from is yourself, if you can't stand to look at yourself you need to change something. Otherwise you'll find that the feelings you hold inside will spill out on others and drive them away.

Here's a little something that you can try if you find breaking the news to others hard or impossible. Ask two people that are close to each other to act and dress like the other for an hour or perhaps if their willing a whole day. This is something that you could ask your Mom and Dad, say it's a project for school or something. Then when they are done (either finished the time determined or just had enough) ask them how they felt and explain that that is how you feel all the time and if this problem isn't adressed it will hinder your future both socially, physicaly and finacialy. In fact I would be willing to bet that if anyone in the world would have to act like someone that they are not that the experience would be harmful to their being.

Bottom line, be truthful to yourself. You may lose some people along the way but the new people you gain will accept and love you for who you are and you won't have to pretend or try to impress them. And trust me there is a whole world of people that are waiting to meet the real you.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Nameless]

I guess that makes sense. Maybe ill just say that I cant do it now. I doubt I ever will, but its probably better to leave open the possibility.

Maybe if my family dies

[Guest Patsy]

I guess that makes sense. Maybe ill just say that I cant do it now. I doubt I ever will, but its probably better to leave open the possibility.

Maybe if my family dies

Sixteen...such a difficult age at the best of times, and dramatically more so if you have gender issues...as I remember all to well!

When I was your age, sweetie, the resources available were exactly zero....unless you count the booby hatch!

But that was a long, long time ago....happily, things are a lot better in that regard now, even down here in The Lucky Country.

I suppose Leah is right, in a sense, that it is a little more difficult here, if only on the basis of numbers....after all, there are only twenty

million of us Aussies & I have seen the number of transsexuals estimated as low as five thousand.

Personally, I disbelieve that, but that's neither here nor there.

Your last post shows a significant shift in attitude from your first, in that you are now prepared "to leave the possibility open", which is all to the good.

If you do have gender dysphoria (and only you can decide that), it is simply not going to vanish by an act of will, hon....I spent over half a century

trying to pull off that impossibility, & condemned myself to a life time of misery in the process.

I gather from the "Rugby" reference you may be in NSW, and Sydney has a very good Gender Centre in Petersham, & also offer a referral service, I think.

Something to tuck away, should you need it....

As bernii said, you are not your Grandfather, or anyone else...you are you, with a whole lifetime of potential ahead of you.

Your size? As has been pointed out, we have some real "Ruckgals" here! In any case, I'm more concerned about how I feel, than how others think I look.

Luv

Patsy

[Guest Nameless]

I gather from the "Rugby" reference you may be in NSW, and Sydney has a very good Gender Centre in Petersham, & also offer a referral service, I think.

Something to tuck away, should you need it....

What rugby reference? :S I live in SA. Adelaide to be exact.

[Guest Patsy]

What rugby reference? :S I live in SA. Adelaide to be exact.

I think you referred to yourself as being built like a Rugby player....just made a wrong assumption

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, Honey....

Just let me say....

I hope that you get what you need out of life and when the need becomes strong enough, you'll find a way....

Lots of love

Donna Jean

[Guest Soph]

Well, Honey....

Just let me say....

I hope that you get what you need out of life and when the need becomes strong enough, you'll find a way....

Sometimes its a matter of becoming strong enough, but I rather think that many who are on the fence about transitioning reach a point where they are so utterly depressed that they must decide; shall I transition, or kill myself? And if your options really are as open as you say they are, fortunately you will likely choose transition.

That is why I never agree with anyone who tells me I'm strong for being myself. There was very little virtue of willpower in this. I simply reached that point, and had to do something to fix it. Of the two, I chose the one that would make me truly happy, and don't regret it.

And size and build aren't as much of a barrier as you think they may be. A lot of cisgendered girls are wide and tall, and a lot of transwomen are too. They make it work, though. Just read up on what to wear and stay away from, and I doubt it will be as much of a problem as you think it is.

If you really think you're too wide to pass, well, a lot of transpeople transition with the knowledge that they may never pass. It may suck, but you don't transition so that other people can look at you without confusion; you transition so that you can be happy with yourself. Not much of that relies on exteriors outside of your control.