This Is Probably A Stupid Question But..

[Paula ult]

Nameless,

If you are truly transsexual this will never go away, over time it gets worse and worse till you either transition or die, i am 58 and 2 years in transition, i know first hand that it never goes away, you are not anyone else but you, so you are tall and have large shoulders, i was built like an NFL linebacker, 46" chest wide shoulders large hands, after 2 years on hormones i pass quite well, look at the before and after pictures in my gallery, they do not lie.

Like Donna Jean and others i never thought i would pass, passing was not the reason i transitioned, i wanted to finally be happy, and i am now.

Paula

[Guest Robin Winter]

I dont suppose its possible for me to completely forget about transitioning..? Its never going to happen for me, im destined to sit back in life and just observe. A lot like my grandfather did, everyone said he was a genius and he had so much potential, but he never bothered to go through with any of it and ended up building cars I believe. Then during his retired life, he did spent some time traveling around in caravans, but the whole time I knew him, literally all he did was sit in his chair, read newspaper/books and watch sport/news on tv. He rarely spoke. He died of lung cancer a few years ago. I only refer to this because its highly likely my life will be very similar. In fact I dont think anyone in my family ever did anything special with their lives.

I just want to forget it so I dont have to be reminded of how impossible it is for me. I dont want to freak out about things like my height, I grew another centimeter some time this week, making me 6 foot 2

Its not going to happen so I need a way to forget it, then I can get on with my sad excuse for a life.

and no, I cant see a therapist because even if I did manage to scrounge up enough courage to tell someone that I was even depressed, I would just find some excuse to not go or completely lie to the therapist so I can leave.

I did that for over a decade. I had several therapists over the years, and I lied to every one of them because I just couldn't muster the courage to come out to anyone. There were a few things that made me realize I *had* to do this. One was that I started thinking about suicide when I wasn't even feeling depressed. It almost became a kind of logic, because it really was that big a part of my thoughts, conscious or otherwise. I knew then that I was serious about it (suicide), and not just being overly dramatic. I guess I figured I had nothing left to lose, so I spoke to my doctor. It was the best thing I could have done. I realize not everyone has as positive an experience when they're just beginning the journey, but my doctor went to great lengths to find the best gender therapist in the city, and she got me an appointment as quickly as possible. My gender therapist is a man named Jim Oulton, and not only is he a fantastic GT and a fantastic person, he's also very involved in LBGT advocacy, and involved in the committee that sets the standards of care. He and people like him are fighting for coverage for at least part of the cost of transition to help make it possible for everyone who needs it.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that I felt it was hopeless for what seemed like an eternity, but sometimes the most amazing things can happen if we just have a little courage to jump into that first big step.