Unsure How To Talk To Parents

[Guest J-London]

Hey all,

I'm still unsure of whether I truly want to see a therapist at all, but a couple of nights ago I expressed to my brother that I am thinking about seeing one. He and I are closer than should we probably should be and his immediate reaction was to say, "I will always support you, forever and no matter what, as long as you believe in what you're doing." It was all I could do not to just break down there. I told him that this would probably pass in time and that it's just been bugging me recently. He told me, "Questioning is the best thing you could be doing because it shows that you're serious about it." I could recite the whole conversation, but I doubt there is enough space or interest, so I'll leave it as my image of the perfection "coming out-ish" experience.

Now the real roadblock. I am still a minor and I believe that either I tell my parents my interest in seeing a GT, or sneak off to one only for them to confront me about it in a harsh and rough way. I have the support of my brother but it's with my parents that I have the issue. I've never been close to either of them, and their views of the world differ greatly from mine. An image of my parents would be the old-school Catholic, conservative, and highly opinionated. This could just be my own personal views, but it seems like utopia for parents to accept their transgender child when mine lock me out of the house for forgetting to do the dishes.

Long-story-short: Should I even bother to tell them about my questions? And if I should, how should I do that? I have issues with controlling my emotions when I'm arguing with my father [i've been told it's like watching clones argue] who I think will be the worst if I do tell them.

-London

[Carolyn Marie]

London, I'm afraid your options are fairly limited. Unless you have a good source of income, you're going to need your parents to either pay for the therapist or authorize it under their insurance plan. In some states you might not be able to see a therapist without their consent.

So, if you decide that a G.T. is important to you, you can tell them about possibly being trans, waiting until you are 18, or tell them something more vague. That might include being depressed or having unspecified "gender confusion." If you think they would be supportive, then by all means be open about the possibility of your being trans. If you think they are likely to be aghast, you're probably better off being vague.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Ashley C.]

Hey London, it's tough dealing with stubborn, difficult parents--I've had plenty of experience there. As a matter of fact, I'll be surprised if we have any semblance of a relationship at all in a year or two, all due to my being trans . But you know, I had to come out to them eventually, and as horrible as it was, I wouldn't take it back. It's definitely the biggest hurdle I've cleared in my transition, and I know it's something I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life.

The biggest thing that helped me when coming out to my hyper-conservative, southern Baptist parents was the fact that I was no longer living with them this past December when I told them I was TG (I'm 24, and have my own apartment). I realize that isn't your situation, but if you're worried about how they're going to react, it might be best to play it safe and keep silent until you move out and have a safe place to run to should things go really awry. But, I also know how repressive it feels to not be out to your family...if you think you'll still be in a safe situation after telling your mom and dad, then of course you can take matters into your own hands and tell them whenever you feel ready.

At least whatever you decide, you have a brother who sounds like he truly supports you. It's a huge blessing to have someone so close to you already firmly in your corner. Maybe you could ask him about telling your parents, bounce a few ideas off him, and see what he says? If you work together, this whole process will undoubtedly go smoother, and you'll at least have one person who will give you a hug and talk to you at the end of the day, no matter what happens.

Sorry if I haven't been much help. Parents are tough to deal with, and it isn't fair that people should so easily reject their own children for being themselves .

Love,

Ash