"you Need To Decide What Kinda Life You Want To Live"

[Guest Jay_son]

Sooo the oh so accepting mother who originally said no matter what she would stick by me has just said

" you need to decide what kinda life you wanna live, you told us you wanna be a man, and your looking like one (compliment:D) and if thats what you wanna do thats no acceptable here, you will always be my daughter"

what a load of cr@p no time scale on when she would like me to sort this out but hey, she sure knows how to make me feel great!

[Guest sarah f]

I am so sorry your mom changed her mind. I don't know how old you are but this is something you can't just rush into. If you are sure you want to be male than tell her that unless you are afraid she will kick you out or make you're life miserable. I hope she can realize what she is doing is wrong and will accept you for who you are.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jay.....

Im so sorry, Hon....

She seems to have had a turn about...

Maybe she'll swing back the other way and hopefully meet you somewhere in the middle!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest vertigo]

I agree with Donna Jean... Maybe right now she thinks that she can't deal with it, but after some time maybe she'll see the person you are becoming and change her mind again. You can never know until it really happens. Good luck!

[Guest Jay_son]

she calls herself a christian, just had the whole convo about God loving everyone and how he forgives murderers...only to be told Im killin her daughter:/ pfffttt

[Guest KimberlyF]

If our bosses acted like our parents, most of them would be up on harassment charges. Nobody has perfected the art of using any power and threats they have over you to get you to compromise yourself. We all have to get to a point where we say enough!

Kar

[Guest Jay_son]

I agree with Donna Jean... Maybe right now she thinks that she can't deal with it, but after some time maybe she'll see the person you are becoming and change her mind again. You can never know until it really happens. Good luck!

I hope youre right, and if your not her lose...

[JJ]

That's so hard! And a choice you ultimately have to make. But is it possible, especially since there was no deadline, that she is trying to get you to do what she wants but won't follow through.

After all if they make you leave they still won't have the daughter they thought they had. I don't know if it will help, but perhaps if you calmly point out to them they never had a daughter-you can't kill or take away what was never really there. And it isn't fair to anyone to ask you to continue to lie and pretend.

As for the bible and God thing-there are as many passages to support you as there are to condemn you. You might look through those forums here and other positive info online so you can defend yourself on that ground.

Lastly perhaps you can look up the latest research -it's online that indicates this is a birth defect. Nature mixed you up. You can't change that just because they don't like it-I mean you don't like it either. No one ever chooses being trans.

I hope maybe some of this will help

Please let us know how things are going

Huggs and a pat on the back

JJ

[Guest Micha]

That is so jacked up Jay, and so unfair to you. And using the bible to justify intolerance just burns me.

"Let you who are free of sin cast the first stone."

Christians teach that God is Love, so why don't they teach love?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Stop - take a deep breath - whewwwww....

She THINKS you are killing her daughter - totally incorrect but she doesn't know better.

She is grieving:

1-Denial - "This can't be happening to me."

2-Anger - "Why me? I cannot accept you as a son!"

3-Bargaining - "Will you just be my daughter around me?"

4-Depression - She won't talk with you. and hope the problem will go away.

5-Acceptance - Suddenly she will see 'you are what you are' and she can accept THAT person - and you are really whom she always had.

While this is happening - go your own way. It's sad doing everything on your own, but she is incapable of supporting you for a while.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest Evan_J]

Stop - take a deep breath - whewwwww....

She THINKS you are killing her daughter - totally incorrect but she doesn't know better.

She is grieving:

1-Denial - "This can't be happening to me."

2-Anger - "Why me? I cannot accept you as a son!"

3-Bargaining - "Will you just be my daughter around me?"

4-Depression - She won't talk with you. and hope the problem will go away.

5-Acceptance - Suddenly she will see 'you are what you are' and she can accept THAT person - and you are really whom she always had.

While this is happening - go your own way. It's sad doing everything on your own, but she is incapable of supporting you for a while.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

No better explanation.

[Flint]

Mothers say they'll stick by us no matter what when we tell these things. Thinking that this is your way of testing them and that soon you'll get bored of this idea. As Lizzy said (Lizzy is made of wonderful by the way) Denial that reaction sadly was actually part of her denial. Hence her sudden change. "Ah I'll stick by you" Thinking in her head "Nothing will really change. This is my 'daughter' we're talking about" rolls eyes at her self and laughs it off.

Now she's realised certain things have changed, and now she's in denial thinking "Woah! You look like a man! But your my daughter" She's subconsciously protecting her womb of denial that is starting crack as she sees this image of you as a man before her eyes. It's cracking and she doesn't know how to deal with it so she's turning round saying anything she can to try and change it back to try and bring back re-seal that crack. Because she will have been happily walking around in her denial for a while.

[Guest Aurora Christy]

Have you tried pointing out to her that maybe this is what god had planned for you?

[Guest Cowboy]

I really agree with what lizzy says.

and hopefully it all works itself out in the end.

i dont really think its fair to use Religion as a tool to make you feel guilty, or bad or whatever.

Like JJ said, there are just enough verses in the bible that support you as there are to condemn u.

May suck to do things on your own for a bit but until she can accept the facts its really the best option.

hope it works out in the end for u tho bro.

Cowboy

[Guest Jay_son]

JJ, Firsty, thanks for the response...I have pointed out in no uncertain terms that my parents never had the daughter they THINK they had....Still my Mum fails to see that and is, as Lizzy has said in total denial! Going by Lizzys stages of the whole process we are on stage two with a bit of stage 1 and 3 thrown in and a bit of stage 4. I live at home with her and my Dad, However, regardless of how things turn out with me and them regarding my transition, I need to be setting up on my own and moving out so that the whole housing thing isnt an issue (and many other reasons besides)

Lizzy, thanks for you reply, It totally makes sense, and can see so much of how she is being in your post, and your right, I need to go my own way (however, that now is regardless of how she feels) Ultimately I would like her acceptance, however, I understand this may take time, or may never happen, who knows?! and who knows to what degree she will accept things.

Today she has gone from wanting me out the house, period. To telling me she loves me no matter what but she cant go against her faith <rolleyes> to I will always be her daughter (which as rightly pointed out I never was) to who knows if I will accept it over time...Done my head right in!

Sorry if this all seems a little jumbled or confusing, I have had a right day of it, and dont fully get everything she has said myself, so dont expect anyone here to fully get it either, but I am sure most of you get the drift.

Thanks again people, While I know this isnt the end of the world, and certainly wont stop me with my transition, I would have, obviously been far happier if I had the full support from her which she had said was there when I first told her of my situation, and hate that she sees it as a disappointment, when I feel inside that if anything, its a positive thing for her aswell as me, A happier me cant be a bad thing, and at the end of the day, I am still me, and she doesnt have to lose me, its only her making it that way. But right now she cant see this.

Lucky for me I have a very understanding Girlfriend, and a couple of good friends to help me through til i get some sort of housing sorted for myself.

Thanks again ALL who have replied, much appreciated!

x

[Guest Zolrek]

Mothers say they'll stick by us no matter what when we tell these things. Thinking that this is your way of testing them and that soon you'll get bored of this idea. As Lizzy said (Lizzy is made of wonderful by the way) Denial that reaction sadly was actually part of her denial. Hence her sudden change. "Ah I'll stick by you" Thinking in her head "Nothing will really change. This is my 'daughter' we're talking about" rolls eyes at her self and laughs it off.

Now she's realised certain things have changed, and now she's in denial thinking "Woah! You look like a man! But your my daughter" She's subconsciously protecting her womb of denial that is starting crack as she sees this image of you as a man before her eyes. It's cracking and she doesn't know how to deal with it so she's turning round saying anything she can to try and change it back to try and bring back re-seal that crack. Because she will have been happily walking around in her denial for a while.

Matt hit it on the nail. Some parents don't take their kids seriously and treat them like "second class." When they realize that this is actually serious then they get scared and sometimes they will get vicious.

Time will tell whether or not she will actually accept you...but remember this will take a lot of time and it could turn out for the best.

[Paula ult]

Jay,

I know this is not quite the same, but after i told my good friend she was supportive, then a month or so later she was distant, i knew she was having trouble dealing with it, then she was back to being ok again, then after she saw all the changes it was back to being distant again, now she fully accepts and we are good friends again.

Maybe your mother will be the same way.

Lizzy was right on with the 5 stages of grief, but those steps can come in any order.

Paula

[Guest Jay_son]

yer, thanks Paula....I am sure whatever happens now will be the right thing, even if it dont feel like it at the time...onwards and upwards.

[JJ]

Yea Jay-son

Great attitude-unbeatable. Good luck with all of this!!

[Guest Jay_son]

That's so hard! And a choice you ultimately have to make. But is it possible, especially since there was no deadline, that she is trying to get you to do what she wants but won't follow through.

After all if they make you leave they still won't have the daughter they thought they had. I don't know if it will help, but perhaps if you calmly point out to them they never had a daughter-you can't kill or take away what was never really there. And it isn't fair to anyone to ask you to continue to lie and pretend.

As for the bible and God thing-there are as many passages to support you as there are to condemn you. You might look through those forums here and other positive info online so you can defend yourself on that ground.

Lastly perhaps you can look up the latest research -it's online that indicates this is a birth defect. Nature mixed you up. You can't change that just because they don't like it-I mean you don't like it either. No one ever chooses being trans.

I hope maybe some of this will help

Please let us know how things are going

Huggs and a pat on the back

JJ

The online research that indicates it is a birth defect is a waste of time when it comes to my Mum who has the Pastor of her church filling her head with cr@p and giving her information which is untrue, a part of which suggests we should get help for our heads to match our bodies rather than bodies to match our heads, it all has me really angry just now

[JJ]

I can imagine. You can't get through to people who won't listen. I'm so sorry. Maybe time will help.

It's doubly bad that such nonsense is being spread by a person who is supposed to be a help and comfort!!

Maybe you can show her the statistics that show no trans person has successfully managed to change their gender identity through psychological or psychiatric help. Even when the practices were extreme and barbaric. It's tempting to tell you to ask your mom if she'd let you bleed to death from a cut if the pastor told her it could be cured by fixing your head? wouldn't help-but it is oh so tempting.

But then again this pastor is just telling your mom what she is so eager to hear. It makes her denial that much easier.

Hang in there. Her attitudes are likely to soften in time and in the meantime you have Laura's where people understand, love and support you.

Huggs

JJ

[Guest Jay_son]

Cheers JJ,

I did ask her if she would rather I didnt go through with any of it (which isnt an option, I cant not go through with it) and stayed miserable for the rest of my life, or worst still, kill myself....her response was something about suicide is frowned upon in the bible too...LOL I have to laugh it off or I would be serverly depressed by it all. I took from her response that transitioning and being happy or killing myself are both as bad in her eyes...whats that all about

[Guest Ashley C.]

Jay, your mom sounds exactly like my mom--I just have to laugh at most of the things she says to me, just because of how absurd they are. She's Southern Baptist, goes to church three times a week, and interprets the Bible quite literally. Ironically, she's probably the biggest reason why I'm athiest today, but that's beside the point.

I'm convinced that people like our mothers are just completely bat-S crazy, and are beyond redemption. It doesn't matter what you tell her, or how you try to justify being trans--she'll always find a way to turn it into a religious debate because that's all her life is. Funny thing is, my mom talks all the time about how she'd rather be dead than have to deal with her kid being trans, and I just have to laugh when she says that, because I can't possibly take her seriously. However, I think she is being serious, because she honestly believes that life is just one big, awful mess of problems and trials that god puts you through until you get to heaven, where it's all bunny rabbits and puppy dogs.

I'll stop there--I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just that your post hit really close to home, and I have no idea how to deal with my insane mother. Please let me know if you come up with any ways to deal with yours.

Until then, my heart goes out to you. Try to stay strong.

Love,

Ash

[Guest Micha]

Trying to find reason and answers in texts left intentionally vague. I'm willing to bet she doesn't truly feel your transitioning would be equal to or worse than suicide, but she can't tell you that cuz she can't concede as of yet. No mother would want their child to kill themselves (and if someone would, they aint no mother). Don't let her pride or stubbornness give you the impression she doesn't want you to live or care about you. If she doesn't accept you for who you are, that's one thing. To think that transition is as bad as suicide is a much farther (likely impossible) stretch.

[JJ]

Denial

Scared stiff and clinging to denial with every fiber of her being is how it reads from here.

Sometimes things happen almost magically and the people who love us move from denial into acceptance with a speed that leaves us dazed and sometimes it lasts a very long time. Most are somewhere in between. As hard as she is fighting you now your mom sounds like she has some inner doubts already.

Your attitude is still great and I know she'll eventually come around.

Have you met the pastor? Might be interesting depending on how secure you feel about it and it might look like a concession on your part. I guess the idea is to give him a face and a reality to try to fit his prejudices and information on. Of course it's really a no win with him but I myself relish a good argument. I would arm myself with all those scriptures that refute his and have at it-but that is me.

It could certainly make the situation worse but it's not fair to say things about you with you not there to defend yourself or trans people. You know your strengths and the situation best.

Very best of luck with it all however you decide to handle it and please keep us informed!

JJ