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The Truth About Me Even If Its Ugliy


Guest Emily Ray

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Guest Emily Ray

Hey everyone,

While I was on 2 south I managed to maintain my weight @ 141lbs. In the two weeks since I came to the Alcohol Drug Treatment program I have lost nearly 4lbs. Which is a significant amount when you are already thin and trending downward. In class today we have a wonderful instructor and I was able to be honest with her about something I am not proud to admit. It is a judgement that applies only to me. I don't want to be a fat woman. I want to be a beautiful as I cann be and I am not sure where that bar is. I also learned that one of the causes of anorexia is feelings surrounding control. I have no control over my life I am told when to wake up, eat, go to a meeting, even what homework I need to do and how well I do it. If the addiction therapist doesn't agree with my answer he rejects it out of hand and asks me to think more about it. I have been in this situation since August 10th and I am going to a more restrictive enviornment. The only control that I have is what I eat. I am tired of eating institution food. I am tired of being in an institution.

I don't know myself anymore and while it is an adventure discovering things about myself, I can't be sure of who I am! I don't want to be anorexic; just like I don't want to be a drug addict. I love myself and want to take care of the little girl inside, but I am missing something, and I don't know what that is. She has no language and can't communicate with me easily.

Huggs,

Emily

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Guest Emily Ray

Kat,

I am 6' tall and wear a size 4 dress. I agree with you 100% I just don't know how to get there from here. I know that some of that guidance is coming from my gender therapist. I think these last two weeks are a symptom of a much bigger issue then she is prepared to deal with.

Huggs,

Emily

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Emily I am glad you are working on that part of you. I am 5ft 11 in and 140 pounds also. I sometimes drop down to 135 but gain it back to 140. It really is a balancing act for me and probably you to maintain our weight. I have trouble sometimes thinking I feel fat when in reality I am not.

What someone like me and you need to do is find that happy weight and try to maintain that without looking to skinny. I think where I am at right now is just fine but nothing below that.

I can fit into a size 8 and that works for me. Just try to remind yourself some of the most beautiful women out there are not size 4. Look at Jennifer Anniston or Sandra Bullock. You are a beautiful girl too no matter what your size is.

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