I Am Hurting And Confused

[Guest Sharah]

I appologize for the length of this post but I feel I need to share some details, some of which I have said in other posts already, but I think I need to put them all in one place so I can ask the questions I have. Below is the text of the journal I am keeping for my therepist session on Wednesday for background.

I've had a very eventful week. I talked with another friend, Roxanne, a woman I have known for a few years and now work with.

I have spoken with each of my sons; Vincent (the oldest at 23) responded with "I'm OK with that." Louis (the younger twin at 20) said "I will always love and respect you, you have to do what you need to be happy." and Edward (the other twin) said, "I don't really understand this but I think you need to do what is best for you."

Then came the big one, on Monday evening my wife and I were watching TV and eating dinner when the dish network went offline for a while. In the silence I remembered something that Roxanne had said to me about if this was her and her husband how she would be very hurt to know that so many other people had been told before her. So I came out with it and told my wife. Her first reaction was to ask how the boys had reacted and I told her about each one. Then she started with the guilt trip about how she felt I had stolen 24 years of her life. Then she asked why 23 years ago after our daughter was stillborn and we were in couples conseling I didn't bring this up. I explained that back then I didn't understand it myself. Then she hit me with the 18 years of no sex in our marriage and how she could have had other relationships if I had "come clean with her."

There was no yelling or name calling, but it was a very tense conversation. It ended by her asking if I was going to just move out and live on my own, I told her that is not what I wanted, that I wanted to continue to live as a family and she asked me if I was going to be the boys other mother, I said no I would always be their father. Since that conversation there has been silence, she is not talking to me. I know now I have to shut up and give her time to sort out her feelings and thoughts and that she will bring it up to me when she is ready.

I feel so terrible to have had to hurt her like this, but I just cannot continue to live in this pain and frustration any longer. I know what I would like to have happen but I am ready to accept whatever she decides is right for her and go from there.

So I guess the cat is out of the bag now.

Well it is Thursday Oct 14th and she finally spoke to me again. I passed her in the kitchen and said to her, "I was thinking you may want someone to talk to so I wanted to let know that Roberta (a family friend) is aware and I don't care if you talk with Jennie (her friend).

She later came into the living room where I was watching the news and said, "I have decided that I am no longer married to you. After you taking 24 years of my life and 18 years of celebate marriage its over. You will handle all of your own needs and I will stay here for the boys, when they are gone I am gone. You will find yourself a very old and lonely queen someday. By the way I would appreciate if you find some other sleeping arrangements."

On Friday she really became angry and started to heavily berate me at every possible moment. I was a liar and I stole 24 years of her life. I had only married her so I could parade her in front of my family to show them I was not the weird freak that I really am. I am doing this to embarass her. I am embarassing my kids. Using an internet therapist is BS as I can find anyone on the internet who will tell me anything I want to hear.

I have emailed to two therapists here in CT that are face to face sessions and I have the phone number for a third one, because I thought that might placate Carole if I were seeing a “real therapist”. When I told her this she reacted by asking if they were specialist in gender therapy and I said yes they were. She then said well there you go, you will get whatever you want from them. It seems like nothing I can do will placate her. Why would I seek out a therapist that was a specialist in the problem that I am wrestling with? If I had a heart problem would I go to a foot doctor?

I took it without much reply other than occasionally sayng she was wrong that I did not ask for or want this. Then I retired to my office in the basement and called one of my friends from Laura's Playground on Skype and had a crying and venting session. She overheard part of it and later told me that was proof that I was a liar because I had told her I wanted a webcam for work related conferencing (which is true as I was not out to her when I got the camera) but I was using it to talk with my "f a g" friends.

When I went to bed (still the same bed as her) she said a number of things that were hurtful and biting and I just said I didn't want fight with her and agreed with everything she was saying.

It is Saturday now and I am filled with doubts and self loathing. I feel like I am embarrassing my kids and maybe I should just stop this and let the status quo continue until I die. But I can't, I just can't go back to how I felt before. I can't take that any longer. But I don't want to embarrass my kids, I don't want to lay problems on them because I have problems.

I am very confused and on an emotional roller coaster right now.

Am I being totally selfish? I don't want to embarrass my kids. I don't want to hurt my family. I feel like I have been living a lie and maybe my wife is right, that I am a liar and I stole her life from her. Maybe I did marry her to hide from the truth and to help to put up a front for everyone around me. Maybe the peaceful feeling I have experienced recently is not real and is just a facade to hide the truth. Maybe this is just a game I am playing for the thrill of it. Maybe I am just trying to fullfill a fantasy and create an imaginary world where the problems of reality will go away.

[Guest KimberlyF]

All three of your kids have stated they are behind you. Your wife is using them as a wedge when it doesnt exist. Talk to them. Be proactive and tell them your wife is in a lot of pain and will try to turn them against you. You'd appreciate if they could try to support their mother who is suffering, though. She's feeling like you have all these people to talk to-therapists, people here...she's too embarrassed by the whole thing and holding it in or just venting to people who are not going to be in your court.

I told my wife yesterday that the guilt I feel at times is crushing. It comes and goes. Sometimes she'll say something really mean and it's gone for a short time. But I also told her I wasn't lying to her when I said my vows. The first time I had sex with her I was first in absolute shock because she was the only one ever, and like I also told her yesterday, as God is my witness, I thought she cured me. There was no other logical explanation in my mind for that evening. It's what I so wanted to believe so I went with it. And I did love her. How could I not marry her after the gift she just gave me??? So how was I lying when I believed it myself? If I had said,' OK, I'm TS and this chick is OK...we'll see how long I can pull this off. Maybe it will stop people asking so many Gosh darned questions.', then I'd have been 100% immoral for misleading and using someone like that. And I'd deserve her hate.

As I've kinda stated on a different thread, if you're playing at being a TS with all the baggage (exhibit A-your wife saying wonderful things all day to you) to escape the problems of reality, you might want to consider a plan B because that doesn't even make sense unless you're just slightly insane.

Kim

[Guest Opal]

Hi Sharah,

I am sorry you are hurting so. So often it is the spouse that has the most negative reaction and lack of acceptance.

What it comes down to is transitioning is not a desire. It is a need. No one asks to be Transgendered. I would never wish this on anyone. Would mental health professionals ever advise a transitioning process if there were an alternative that was less profound to all involved?

Do you have a local crisis hotline phone number you can keep on hand?? If not, here is a link to the national number as well as some additional information.

Transgender suicide prevention

As you know, we can not respond as quickly here as on Chat, but we can provide opinions here over time as people see your thread.

As mentioned before, please try giving your wife space and time to discuss this with others. Maybe your sons' opinions and advice to their mom might work in your favor, but that is kind of a long shot.

Please keep us in mind here on the forums, or on Chat if you want to talk more.

Big Huggs,

Opal

[JJ]

Sharah

I am so sorry all of this as happened for you with your wife. You have had such a horrific week with her that it is understandable you are feeling confused and off balance.

There are so many things called in to question when a woman is told her mate is really a woman that it threatens their very core -their own identity and sexuality. Because of that so often they lash out. She is asking herself inside-whether she ever admits it or not-who she really is to have fallen in love with and shared a life with someone who was not at heart a man. This knowledge is a threat to her-and she is lashing out. But what she does not see and perhaps really fears is that it probably was your female nature that made her fall in love and spend her life with you. A man with a male body and a female nature is what most woman consider an ideal mate. Someone who can understand them. But facing the reality of why that "man" has that nature is another thing altogether.

You have sacrificed you happiness and your fulfillment for your wife and family for decades. You did your best to be what they expected you to be. But the nature of this condition is that eventually you have to deal with it or face a complete breakdown-at least from everything I've read. Hopefully eventually your wife will reach a point that you can give her information to help her understand. Right now she realy doesn't have a clue from the things she is saying and terms she is using. And I'm sure real communication is impossible on this issue.

But as far as going back to the way it was before-it could never be done even if you wanted. The words can never be unsaid-the knowledge taken back.

Your children didn't say they were embarrassed. Or were going to be. They said they wanted you to be happy. Which is a great compliment to your parenting. I would suggest that you steer them to factual information about TS here at Laura's and also this site which cited the studies and scientific sources and is not a forum: http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/transsexualism-causes.html Sometimes because Laura's is a support forum people look at any information from here as tainted. Untrue of course but you can't change a perception like that by arguing. Your children are going to be discussing this with your wife and others and you need them to have correct information to offset all those stereotypes which will be coming their way.

Things are at their worst right now. Hang on and get through this and it will work out. Everyone who has been through it says it has been worth it. When your children understand what you have been through and see the dedication and determination it takes to lead your life they will probably be proud of you. Your wife will slowly come to terms with her feelings and you can begin to communicate again. Sometimes it is more healthy when all the anger and resentment come out at first. It actually seems to be when the spouse seems accepting at first that get most nasty in the long run.

We are here for you. And there are many here who have been through the same thing. Heard the same words from a spouse of many years and understand what you are going through.

You also have a right to be yourself. To live your life. Havig your body and gender identity match is a God given birthright and you have the right to have what everyone else was given at birth!

Hugs

JohnJ

[Sally]

Sharah,

I am sorry to hear even more details of how hard your wife is hitting you but to answer your questions, in order:

Am I being totally selfish? NO! You are being a bit selfish after a long time of selfless attending to others but she is being even more selfish as she does not care what happens to you as long as she is not embarrassed.

I don't want to embarrass my kids. You have not and will not, they have all accepted you, one admits to not understanding but never changed his feelings for you.

I don't want to hurt my family. Actually you are not hurting your family - your sons are accepting so that means that it is your wife's violent response that is hurting the boys not your confession.

I feel like I have been living a lie and maybe my wife is right, that I am a liar and I stole her life from her. We all have those doubts and especially after they have been verbalized to us at almost 100 decibels but the fact is that we were lying to ourselves too - trying to wait it out so that it would just fade away.

Maybe I did marry her to hide from the truth and to help to put up a front for everyone around me. More likely you married her in another attempt to 'cure' yourself.

Maybe the peaceful feeling I have experienced recently is not real and is just a facade to hide the truth. That could only be true if you are extremely masochistic and are being a bit disappointed by your sons' responses but exhilarated by your wife's.

Maybe this is just a game I am playing for the thrill of it. I can imagine no more exciting game than one where the chances of winning or so small and the odds against you are so high - sorry but only the truth is spoken here and it is a very difficult journey and sadly a number of our sisters and brothers have given up along the way - not just the journey but all too often their lives - no, I do not think that is you - not the type to play chicken with a brick wall on your motorcycle.

Maybe I am just trying to fullfill a fantasy and create an imaginary world where the problems of reality will go away. this is one that you will have to find the answer within yourself - if you believe that anything will change other than how you feel about yourself then wake up and get a dose of reality - that is all that you can change - the world remains the same any other problems that you had before will follow you into womanhood - trust me on that one if you haven't about anything else that I have said.

I hope that helps you to better evaluate what is going on and make things just a little easier by knowing that you are never alone.

Love ya,

Sally

[Cyndee]

I just can't go back to how I felt before. I can't take that any longer. But I don't want to embarrass my kids, I don't want to lay problems on them because I have problems.

Hi Sharah,

This statement above tells me there is no turning back, you must live for yourself sister, then your family. You have lived with this too long. I am saddened by hearing what your wife is doing in your posts. Keep things going with your sons, build on your strengths.

With love

Cindy -

[Guest chngnwnd]

Some of your wife's reaction sounds like my ex's reaction. You did not steal 24 years from her. My ex loves to make a similar accusation and thinks I should be embarrassed or ashamed of who I am. Don't buy into it. Don't let her anger cloud your mind and obscure your emotions. I thought a very similar thing to you when I got married - all the feelings of being a girl went away. I can't explain it now - but back then I assumed that my real problem had been that I had not previously known real love. I stopped trying to explain these things to my ex - an angry partner (or ex) is going to believe what they want to - and may turn their hurt and confusion to hatred. It is not you when that happens - it is their choice.

take care

Bobbi

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You have recieved a huge amount of wisdom in the replies above. I would ask that you reread through them several times.

We are here for you - and your transition actually started the day you decided you had to be true to yourself. So listen to your heart for a while and let the brain catch up later. It's that deep thinking mental self examination right now that will drive you crazy - so just let it all settle in, no self criticism or doubt right now - just listen to your heart.

And we spoke - and you heard me say you may lose everything - it can happen - it's hard... but you gain yourself.

You must be what you are. You must!

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

We spoke, too......you and I on Skype...

And I told you my feelings on all of this and I hope that I was of some comfort and help...

I don't know if you were referring to me that your wife overheard, but I don't take offense at being called...F.A.G.

Rolls off...

Hang in there, Dear Girl....

Love

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

You're a good person, Sharah, and don't deserve all the hurtful things being said at you (notice I didn't say "to you.")

You will both find some place where you are both comfortable and at least tolerate each other. Some semblance of normalcy may return

in time, but it will never be the same.

None of us asked for this, Sharah. We did not choose who were are. All we can do is deal with it the best we can, and be true to

ourselves. You will find the way. After speaking with you today, I know that you are strong enough, wise enough, and brave enough,

to see it through.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sharah]

Well she pulled off another one last night. Every conversation seems to be filled with knife stabs right at my heart no matter how trivial the original subject is.

Last evening I was passing her in the kitchen and I simply asked, "Did you bring in the mail yet?" because I was heading out to get it and figured if she had alreay done that then I didn't have to. Her response, "Why, did you have some other secret thing coming in the mail?"

She then said, "By the way you need to talk with the kids because they are embarrassed about what their friends are going say and they are afraid they are losing their father."

I subsequently talked with each of my boys separately and told them that I was going no where. I reassured them that as far as I was concerned they could discuss this with any of their friends that they chose to. I explained to them that this process will take years to complete and that I was so early in it that I really didn't know what the time table would be yet, but that it would be at least a few years and that changes in my appearance would be very gradual. I told them that at this point I have every intension of continuing to present publically as male and that any female presentations would be done discretely as far as the neighbors and their friends were concerned.

I told them each what my wife had said to me and asked each of them to please come to me with any questions or worries that they might have. That I would be happy to answer their question as best as I could and I would provide as much information and references that I could for their education on the matter. I reassured them that they would not lose their father, that I would always be their father and the person I am is not going to change, only the way I look. They each told me what they had said to their mother;

Vincent, the oldest said, "I told her that I was concerned about the tension in the house and that with my schooling and work pressures it was difficult for me to have to deal with the stress at home too." The tension and stress is coming from her not me, as I am perfectly happy in living with a peaceful coexistance and minimal interaction. She is the one feeling the need to be a "female dog" and say vindictive things to everyone around her.

Edward, the older twin said, "I told her that as long as it was not causing physical harm to him (Edawrd) or anyone else and it wasn't ilegal and threatening the family on those grounds he didn't have an issue with it."

Louis, the younger twin said, "I said to her that I was too busy with my methadone clinic and school to focus on the issue right now."

They all told me that they felt totally comfortable coming to me with any questions or issues they might have. I told them that their mother was very angry with me right now and I was afraid that she might say things to them to try to drive a wedge between them and me. They all said they understood that and that they would come to me if they had any doubts about what was being said.

Vincent told me that his mom had talked with her mother (my inlaws have never liked me from the first day I met them) and that grandma had called him to tell him that his mother was going through a lot of hurt and that he should not blame her for the tension in the house but he should blame me. He told me he knew she was just acting the way she always does and didn't give her any credability. He went on to tell about the two trans women (that is the exact terms he used to describe them) that had spoken to his nursing class and that they had both described very similar experiences in their lives and that he understood fully what I was going through and that this was not something that I chose.

I found out that my boys a very supportive and that they are standing by me through this even though they each have a lot of other stressors and pressures on them in their lives. It was, once again, reinforced to me that my wife is just not able to be angry with me without trying to hurt me emotionally at every opportunity. I am even more convinced that the best thing I can do is to make myself as scarce as possible in her eyes and avoid interacting with her as much as I can. That there is no possibility of an adult exchange right now and that the only way I will know what the final result of her process will be is to shut up, wait, and see what happens.

[JJ]

Sharah

You have remarkable children and should be very proud of them-and of the way you raised them. They will be so much comfort going through the next few steps in your life. My daughter is supportive and it has made such a difference just knowing that she accepts and understands what I struggle with.

Your wife will know all the buttons to push and exactly how to hurt you most. Given the state she is in any contact is liable to be used as an opportunity to attack and hurt you. It sounds like she really wants to fight- a real no win situation for you. Your decision to avoid her as much as possible seems wise. Hopefully in time her anger and hostility will wane to the point ou can at least discuss things.

Again-congratulations on your wonderful children and the wise way you are handling this with them.

Hugs

JohhnJ

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Sharah....

Honey, your kids seem mature beyond their years. I admire them for their insight.

And your wife...oh my goodness...That happens in many cases...the anger...

And if she is pushing your buttons, don't respond, because the things that she sees that hurts, she'll use over and over...

Is there another entrance to the basement?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Sharah]

Is there another entrance to the basement?

Yes and I am planning on using it most of the time too.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Smart girl............

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Sharah,

I feel a little of your pain right now, and I wish there was something I or anyone could do that would ease it beyond words. That's all I have and I hope it will help a little.

About your kids, most kids I've come across are pretty wise about what's really going on with their parents, maybe they don't exactly know the finances, or the job situation, or some particulars until you tell them, but they can hear what you say, and see you act and they have for as long as they've been alive. And they can put it together.

If you're the parent you sound like you are, they may not understand completely what you're going through, but they trust you because of who you have been for their entire lives. Obviously somebody caring and comforting and straight-forward with them. Others may tell them things and maybe for a moment they might put some stock in it. If it's some loving and caring relative, they most likely will, but they will also put it up against what they know and what they see.

All I can say regarding them is to continue being the parent they love, one who loves them and cares for them. In the end, they will know you for who you are, and hopefully appreciate you for it.

It's a difficult life and tough world, but with your children obviously still seeing you - and accepting you - as one of their parents, you definintely have something to build on.

I hope the best for you.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest ~Brenda~]

This brings me back to my own divorce. I too lived in the basement for about two years. Ironically, I had just finished the basement when my wife announced that she wanted a divorce.

This is obviously coming at you like a tidal wave honey. It is my considered opinion that a temporary separation is necessary, just to keep the anger at bay. Therapy is also recommended.

Something that both of you need to understand is that no one did anything wrong. If your wife had been unhappy with your marriage years back, she had the right and opportunity to deal with her feelings constructively. In my opinion, to hold you responsible for an unhappy marriage is immature and irresponsible on her part. You must never feel that you alone are the reason for her unhappiness. She is also equally responsible for the outcome of your relationship and your marriage. In each and every relationship, both parties are responsible for that relationship.

Her acts of anger are nothing more than an expression of her lack of understanding. As I have told others in this situation.. the two of you need to see a gender therapist.

Being transgendered is so much more complicated than you can ever imagine. It is easy to blame yourself and to accept blame from others, but trust me hon, you are not ever the one to blame. People in our generation grew up without the internet, without support, without education.

Sadly, many of us gave up and fulfilled the role that we were programmed to play. I too, fell into this trap. We sacrificed ourselves to conform to society and family. Like you, the time came (unexpectedly) that I could no longer live this facade of who I portrayed.

You cannot be denied who you are. Others may try to smother you. Others may try to intimidate you. Others may ridicule you. Others are not you.

You should share with your wife the wpath Standards of Care web pages to show her that being transgendered is one of the most serious conditions anyone can experience. Being transgendered is not some whim, not some choice, not some kick. Being transgendered is an extremely profound sense of self that demands the support of those who love you and understand you.

I had to fight hard for my family members to get it about me. For most people, being transgendered is as alien as being an alien. Being transgendered is nothing ever to be ashamed of or to hide. Once you know who you are, there is no way you can every go back.

Life is a constant stream of self-realization. The sooner you and your wife embrace this concept, the happier the both of you will be.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Opal]

SharahYou have remarkable children and should be very proud of them-and of the way you raised them. They will be so much comfort going through the next few steps in your life. My daughter is supportive and it has made such a difference just knowing that she accepts and understands what I struggle with.Your wife will know all the buttons to push and exactly how to hurt you most. Given the state she is in any contact is liable to be used as an opportunity to attack and hurt you. It sounds like she really wants to fight- a real no win situation for you. Your decision to avoid her as much as possible seems wise. Hopefully in time her anger and hostility will wane to the point ou can at least discuss things.Again-congratulations on your wonderful children and the wise way you are handling this with them.HugsJohhnJ

Just want to echo what JohnJ and others have said to you. Looks like you are handling an impossible situation in the best way possible.

Big Huggs,

Opal