The Need For Intimate Moments With A Spouse Or Significant Other

[Guest ChloëC]

I’ve had a number of thoughts over the past several weeks and months thinking about my own situation as well as reading those of others here on Laura’s.

So, I want to explore several topics here about being transgendered, having a spouse (or significant other), and just plain living. I suppose this is mostly for those who are married or have a significant other, but anyone is welcome to express his or her feelings.

First, one of the many ‘urban legends’ that seems to be going around is that males want intimate relations far more than females want it. The iconic situation is a husband in bed with a wife and the husband is intimating that he ‘is interested', and the wife is saying she has a headache.

This is often expanded to include the wife wanting lots of romance and the husband just wanting only a few moments with everything.

I will admit that I enjoy intimate interludes, but my life certainly isn’t dictated by them. Is this normal in the transgendered world where one has a spouse or significant other? Where the transgendered male or mtf is less interested in intimate relations than the spouse? Do we in our selecting a mate, 'luck out' and select the ones that are more into it? Sometimes, and more so lately, I’d much rather have a long romantic time that didn’t have to end with a specific moment.

I would think based on what the media popularly suggests, that a transgendered male’s (or mtf) spouse would be receptive and agreeable to that kind of situation (more romance less other things). And maybe not just a little.

Yet, it seems that this is not necessarily the case. What I have experienced and some of what I’ve read here belies that urban myth. It would seem a significant number of wives ( or SO's) want more than just romance, and having a spouse who cannot provide that ‘more’, is less than they are willing to live with. And age or length of marriage seems to have little to do with it.

Why is that? Anyone have any ideas? Is that standard media view really just a myth? Do spouses sometimes want more and the transgendered persons sometimes want less?

Particularly in relationships with a male (or former male, now mtf) and a female, but if there are other situations, I would be interested in understanding those views.

And secondly, which goes along with it. Do you being transgendered still want love, or romance, or more? Beyond one's self,I mean with another person. And how satisfied are you with where you’re at? Could you be ‘celibate’ for the next 20 or 30 or so years? Do you want to be?

There is a reasonable chance I could be, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Thoughts anyone?

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest mia 1]

Not being transgendered....but a mix of many and a master of none...I can add a couple of thoughts.....everyone...gay,,,,lesbian....T.G. or G.D. wants some one to love....the rub is ...it isn’t always your spouse the same old good lovin,,,gets to be the same old same old....so we have this quirky thing in our system called Limerance...which is old fashioned infatuation or in even more common terms called a “Crush” and we get this little spice of life and think we are in love and most often it disappears within months and is forgotten...and then we come back to our spouses and S,O. and become aroused by their scent and their beauty and we want to have intimate relations with them and they may want to do the same and may not ....

so having talked to many people who are involved in L T R and have maintained and succeeded in these relationships....there is a give and take...one partner wants to engage at one time during this LTR and the other partner has less interest at any given moment....so there is little synchronicity but when there is it is a wonderful thing..

I conclude there is little to do with trans gendered and everything to do with the human dynamic,,,,regardless of sexual or gender preference or designation.

[Guest lvmyftm]

I am the SO of an FTM...but from what I have heard from SO's of MTF's your situation sounds pretty normal. Just about all of the wives say that they miss the sex part of things or that they now want it more than their transitioning spouse does. Or that their transitioning spouse has now told them that they want more romance in things and the wife is at a loss for what to do since they have never had to plan or deliver romance before.

[Guest April63]

I'm not married yet, but I think a sexual relationship comes second to the romantic one. And the romantic one doesn't really have to be "romantic", I mean love and care can be there no matter how romantic it actually is.

Be celibate for 20 or 30 years? Sure, I've been for the past 18 (that's a good thing). Except, I do want kids, so the 20 or 30 doesn't quite fit in yet, but later on I could do that. Our society is way too caught up in sex. There are many, many more activities that are fun and uplifting, much more so than sexual activity. Sex is good, but it has its time, place, and amount.

[Guest Sharah]

Chloe,

This is a real thought provoking subject. It has caused me to some real soul searching as I have to try and understand a part of me that I have avoided for all of my life. First a short bit of history;

In my first marriage, only lasted two years, after about 9 months I lost all interest in relations in the male role. I was open to being seduced but I had no desire to seduce. She just never was the seducer so we were essentially celebate until our divorce. In my current marriage we were sexually active until right after the birth of our second set of twins and then, once again, I lost all interest in playing the male role in our relationship. We have had a celebate marriage for about 18 years now.

As for where I am today, well I am trying to come to terms with who I really am. The sexual piece is certainly part of the process. I don't know if it is part of the accepted role of females or if it is actually part of me but I have no interest in being the persuer. I am much more attracted to the idea of being cuddled and having the romantic side of the physical relationship than to the actual act. I am comming to believe that this is part of the fact that I am a woman and not a man.

Do I want a romantic relationship in the future, well yes I think everybody does in some way of another. Even if it is simply being accepted by another human being. I would love to feel loved, I haven't ever felt that in either of my marriages. I have felt wanted, depended on, cared for, and many other things but never actually loved. In truth I have loved, I love my current wife, that is why the tings she says and does right now hurt me so badly because my feelings for her are such that I only want her to be happy for herself and I wish so strongly that she could somehow feel that for me. But that is a whole other story.

[Guest sarah f]

And secondly, which goes along with it. Do you being transgendered still want love, or romance, or more? Beyond one's self,I mean with another person. And how satisfied are you with where you’re at? Could you be ‘celibate’ for the next 20 or 30 or so years? Do you want to be?

Hugs

Chloë

Ok I don't know if I should discuss this here but here it goes. Me and my wife never really had that active of a sex life. I was never really one to want it that much and my wife never acted like she did either. I actually was depressed when we were trying to have kids because that meant having sex everyday and that is something I didn't want.

I have never had a strong libido and that is ok with me. Now I don't seem to want it at all anymore after starting hormones. Right now I am perfectly ok with nothing going on and it seems my wife doesn't care either. It may be that she doesn't want to be with me after coming out to her I don't know.

I know I am perfectly ok with not ever doing anything again as him. Now once I have SRS and become what I was meant to be than I may want to try again. Right now though I don't wish to try anything.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Being a repressed Transsexual all my life I tried to live to the male "norms" as best as I could.

I was first married at 18 and that lasted 7 years...sex was important at first because I was fulfilling a role to make me male....then it quickly dissapated...

That was the reason for that divorce...she was a young woman in her prime and she needed a man and that wasn't me...

2nd marriage is 32 years so far...But, sex stopped many years ago..seperate bedrooms...fine with me, as I no longer wanted to be the "male"....

Now?

I want to be held and loved...I don't want to be the aggressor, initiator....

And a whole evening of cuddling, touching, carressing and such is what I crave these days....

Sex? I'm a Lesbian..I like what another woman has to offer...

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Thanks for all your replies and thoughts, I appreciate them.

I responded to Nicole now Nick in another thread and I got to thinking about our refrain - see a good therapist - and my feeling of the top refrain - be happy and/or comfortable with yourself.

I actually am pretty comfortable...with myself. I'm going to share a little here, because as I read the above and other threads, as much as I can relate to an awful lot here on Laura's, there are some things that I'm thinking make me unique, just like I know there are things that make each of you unique.

First, while I don't have numbers in the Wilt Chamberlain area, mine are a significant percent of that, very significant. I've been married twice as I have said, and I have been intimate with just those two. I'm very monogamous.

I also believe that there is a male menopause (or whatever one may want to call it). In my mid-50's I really wanted a sports car, really really badly. You've heard of 'secondary male characteristics' that arrive somewhere in puberty (somewhat late for me, btw), well, thirdary came bounding in starting about 56. All sorts of things changed. A little more body hair, which I hate. I have a full head of hair (which I love!) and am constantly losing hair (which I hate), my spouse gets on me for how I leave it in the bathroom, but it was thickly spaced, tho each hair is very thin. I still have that full head, but it's thinning not receding in the least. The gray is really taking over. And things have dramatically changed downstairs. And I mean dramatically, both physically and emotionally (I mean, I still really do like intimacy, it’s just that I’m just not that interested in the leadup as it is now, really!). And I could feel lots of other body changes going on. And all that happened is part of the reason I'm here. I began seriously thinking about myself and where I am and want to be; and to try to figure out what the heck is going on.

So, even though I'm comfortable with myself and could easily be for the next however many years I have left, there are a lot of questions I have. And I hope somewhere there is a really good (and smart!) therapist that can deal with the standard male-female issues and can really deal with the GID issues, and can keep up with me, because I'll be looking for any chinks in the armor. The first one being their feelings about Laura's Playground. If they haven't heard of us or are dismissive or unsure, I'm outta there. And lots of other checkmarks. Cuz I will be giving them a real E-Ticket amusement ride. (for those old enough to remember that).

For example, my father died tragically when I was four. My first fully formed memories of wanting to dress as a girl (and probably be one) was right around that time. Any two-bit hack could look at that and say, 'Aha! You repressed your male side to deal with that loss.' Or something else just as trite. Except my 2 year older brother didn't, nor did my 4 year younger brother. And I don't believe for a moment that it's – “Oh! woe is me, my dad is dead. Oh, I know! I want to be a girl and wear a dress right now to cope with that.” Come on. We are far more complex that any of that. I wouldn't pay Lucy 5c for that analysis.

I certainly don't hate my father/love my mother in an Oedipal way. I do love my mother, but mostly because she has been there for 63 years. Bandaged me up, commissurated, held me. Just like I did for my kids. They don't (seem to) hate me either. But it’s like those old photos I found of my grandfather and my father. They seemed just a little too comfortable ‘dressing’ up. Makes me wonder about genetics. Nothing’s been proven because nothing really has been studied. So there you are. And here I am. Still wondering about intimate moments and if they are gender related, cuz they sure ain't age.

Oh, lvmyftm, that's exactly the feeling I'm getting. Sure puts a kabosh on that whole media directed image of sexually arroused husband/frigid wife doesn't it? For a lot of people it's not even close to that, at any age.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest jumpzinc]

I'm a non-transitioning FTM, I only had these feelings reawaken in the past couple of years. My husband and I still enjoy and active sex life, well as active as one can get when he works nights and I work days. We're still working the kinks out as far as roles go and how comfortable we are with the new me. I still require some cuddle time a couple times a week where we just hug or cuddle on the bed or sofa.

I can sympathize with worry about finding the right therapist. I was rejected for treatment when I was 17 because not only did I enjoy sex, but I enjoyed sex with men. That rejection was very traumatic for me leading me to bury my feelings for another 20 odd years. It was an outright dismissal of my feelings that I had wrestled with for such a long time. I'm still to worried to even go and try to find one.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I can sympathize with worry about finding the right therapist. I was rejected for treatment when I was 17 because not only did I enjoy sex, but I enjoyed sex with men. That rejection was very traumatic for me leading me to bury my feelings for another 20 odd years. It was an outright dismissal of my feelings that I had wrestled with for such a long time. I'm still to worried to even go and try to find one.

Dear,

You were short changed. Sexual orientation is not the same thing as gender identity. The therapist that you saw 20 years ago was clearly confused about this. I encourage you to find a qualified gender therapist. You don't have to live in fear and doubt anymore

Love

Brenda

[Guest Cris]

I am married 25 years now and counting. I truly love my wife and now that we have gone through most of the depression stages and she now understands about me things are good. We both enjoy the cuddling and touching. Throughout the years there were times where medical and or mental problems created or caused a lack if intimicy, Now she is way more wanting sex than I. Its not that I dont want it or have anything against it, Its just a loss of that gotta have that sexual release multile times a day feeling. The estrogen definately has reduced most of the drive. She wishes I could sustain longer times, to be firmer, and would be more agressive, but the times we do have we make sure to please each other.

I am bisexual, but prefer being with a woman. I think alot sometimes about having a man in my life, but will not break up the love that my wife and I share. Im not sure if that would increase the desire or not. having someone else be the instigator in things seems just so much easier. Some of that thought process I am sure has to do with the way estrogen rewires our brain.

I believe we not only fall in love with a person, but their outward appearance as well. When we go and change that appearance it affects our spouse or SO greatly. I believe that the intimacy piece just ends up being the scape goat as an easy target. That they dont want to look shallow and base a relationship on looks. Pressure from outside of the relationship adds to the destruction and soon it is over.

Cris