By Letter??

[Guest Chad Micheals]

ok right now i'm not in a place where i cna tell my mother tio her face i'm boy but i'm trying to write this letter for myself and paece of mind if some thign happens to me down range. its one of those thing you hate to writer but i;m trying to get some help to write it more nice way to be me but not urine her off when reading it..

ok this what i got so far, its a word padd program..

dear mother,

if you are reading this then i have been killed in the line of duty. i hope to make you understand more about my life by the end of this letter. i know you will not like most of it.

First of all this is what i want done with my body. just lay me to rest in ground, DO NOT BURN my body. i want to be layed to rest in a male suit with a sword and rifle and my class A unifrom coat over my front. this are what i want done, no making me look like a girl let me be me and lay in paece. At the very lest i want to be in pants of the Class A's Dress Unifrom. I want full military honors done up. as for the lay of my rest i wish to be layed to rest in Arlington or other V.A. cementray.

i know you have never liked how i am at point but is very prode of me for doing my duty and living my life. i wanted to tell you another thing but never knew how to and you can't kill me 2nd time. yes i am still laughing form hell.

i had to deal with a lot of gref form what heppen to me as a child. i have gone to be hardass hoping to keep my promise to myself, i will never be a victem again and if i am i'm taking them with me to hell. i have to deal wtih travis being an as to me form being lesbian. you telling is its wrong after you siad you would not do that to you childern. yes, i remanber you saying that you'll love us no matter what. i have always know that Sean would love me. in his mind, sister love me and i love her no matter what. its because of him that i have tryied my best being you duaghter. its Sean that makes the life wroth living and having to deal with the drama at that house.

i have been dealing with depression more then anything else and with the night mares that hount my dreams. i have heve gone to seek help for me. as i've been doing this for more inner strangh and to heal my soul. i don't want to get to a point where i'll hurt myslef just to take my miand off the pain of the past. i been very bad off and now have PTSD. i'm just trying to be happy with myself and be a good soldier boy.

all i want to do it be happy for myself, i need no woman or man in my life to make me happy. if i have someone in my life then that just will add to my joy but not define it for me. i have been happy at point but those relationships have never been the best but each one helps me learn how i want to be and how i want to treat my lover.

i did try for the longest time to be striaght not for myself but for you and never felt more sad and worthless at times becuase of it. i have done my best to be your duaghter but that not realy who i am. I am just that me, i had to get away from you to be me. first at college with knowing i'm gay and studing for my work feilds.

i have always a pattson to protect and help others even if you have never seen it. i love being a good soldier, its one of the best things i've done in my life. i hope i have gone off to be just a good cop on civil side. I have been a good engineer and designing new things always when i have time and have done well with that in my feild as a mechain and as a cop/MP. i can only hold myself to the stander that i have always have, to my honor and duty i put first over myself.

i have only one thing that i have never gotten out to you. there a few thing i've done while at bars to just do for fun but it was more then that. i have always been more male minded and have always runnign with the boys and doing male fields and everything. i'm Transgender, i know your thinking that i don't know what i'm talking about. i am really transman. i have been a drag king for a few years. so those photos of me are real with the gaottee. i have been a King for years and feel more normle as a male then ever did as a female. i have been myself away form the house and you. yes sean has know about me and has not cared less that i'm male or female. he just love me for being me.

transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as male, female, both or neither) not matching one's "assigned gender" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual or asexual.

So think about it, i was never realy gay. i've always been a striaght hetersexual male my whole life just not in the right body.

i have know for a while moma, that i have never really been a female ever other then biological. i have been a tom boy all my life. i never liked to dress up in grlly stuff buit looked uo to grandpa with his suits and ties. that was what i remanber along with his showing me how to be a gentleman and a good grandson. i got the leasons a lot better then Travis did and i'm sorry that Sean did not get them all. Grandma helped to by teaching some basic thing anyone needs to live. they have never been your a girl you need to be a girly girl and not do all those boy things. i'm greatful for them to let me grow up and live happy as much i could as a child.

i know you are hating me right now as your child but i'm still your child. i am going to be happy in what ever place i'll be sent to for my sins in life. i do not regeat anythign that has happen to me, its those things that have made me today. also it is the people around me that have shaped me to be the young man that i am, so i thank you mom for shaping who i am.

love Your son,

Chad Micheals Brown formaly Sarah Marie Brown

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Wow, Chad. That's some heavy stuff. I don't really know what to say. Your letter is good. You really lay it all out there. I think it is good to get that stuff down on paper, even if no one but you ever sees it. For me, writing helps me put things in order, in my own mind. Anyway, given that you have the letter written as a will, I really, really hope no one sees it for a very, very, very long time. Good letter though.

I'm eventually going to have to write to my family about being trans. Like you, I think I'm going to do it in a letter rather than in person or on the phone. For me, when I write I can explain myself better because I have time to think it over.

Be careful over there!

[Guest raydub]

Chad.

You almost made me cry at work...geez. You got it all out. Good letter man.

I hope they dont have to read it for a long time too. Maybe one day you'll write one to her and send it without having passed?

Take care man.. and enjoy Germany while youre still there.

*salute*

Ray