On The Outside Looking It Longingly

[Guest Orva26]

Since I've begun to question the root cause of my autogyneophilia I've tried things like cross-dressing and painting my toenails, things years ago I never would have tried but looking back I believe I wanted to. Well here's another new thing for me, dream analysis! I'd say about 90% of the time I do not recall my dreams or I do only in a fragmented detail, I may remember something funny or scary from one but it would not be clear. Well this morning I had one that was clearer than usual and so direct in its meaning that I couldn't not attempt to record it. How accurate what I've written down is up for debate and one of the reasons that I was cautious of doing it is that I wouldn't want my conscious mind to fill in gaps incorrectly. But I've done it anyway. Another thing to preface is that its strange, this was definitely dream like but I don't remember falling asleep. I know I could not be day-dreaming when day-dreaming I'm able to direct my thoughts, during this they were free flowing. Plus I actual woke up at the end. The final preface is that this will be long! Well here it goes:

I'm in a store either browsing around or waiting online. There are woman I can see in an aisle being very talkative and excited. I know, not sure how, that in that aisle are things like make-up and nail polish. I can hear that they are coordinating, deciding on what color nails they should have for an occasion. I can get the feeling that one of them is going to be married soon. Oddly, I know one. She is a girl I grew up with. One who in reality caught me at unawares and with the help of a friend painted my finger nails while I tried, I believe halfheartedly, to get away. It wasn't going to happen though, she was kind of a big girl and with her on top of me I was getting no-where. But that could be its own post, back to the dream. I do not approach the woman even though I kind of want to and am glad for the one getting married.

Now it cuts out. I'm in a bathroom in front of a mirror looking at a bottle of white nail-polish. I know both that I'm on the bottom floor/in the basement of a building and that the nail-polish is associated with the woman from before; it might be the bride's. I don't use it even though I'm curious to and kind of want to. If I did I would feel bad since the bride shouldn't have people doing things like that to her. At this point I notice my face, its definitely mine, but different, feminine. No beard stubble, I think my nose may have been smaller and more feminine in shape as well. My hair is died light blue with pink highlights/streaks, it isn't long but its cut in an obviously feminine fashion. I have a lip piecing and a nose piecing that I wonder if my employer will care about, I'm also wearing some sort of scarf. Basically I look like some kind of punk rock girl and I recognize that and am okay with it. I don a black band hat I own and then it cuts out again.

I'm in some sort of large building, maybe a hotel or some sort of recital hall. I'm on a balcony on the second floor that over looks the first. The woman come back again, still talking excitingly. I just stay over in a corner of the balcony, once again not joining in. I do smile at them, I believe with a mixture of gladness and sad fear that if I tried to join I'd find ridicule. I'm just not confident enough, even with a girl's face. I become falsely engrossed with my phone/a hand held video game. I'm really still listening to their conversation but I'm not joining.

Cuts for the last time. I'm back in the store wandering around. The back right corner of the store has an arcade, I go inside. I know my face is still a girl's face and I'm a bit nervous about what will happen if I ran into someone. I'm walking around looking at the machines with that knowledge and also knowing that I'm carrying something. I have not a clue what, it was never visualized but sometimes I think I'm carrying it by hugging it. I stop in front of a machine for some kind of anime shooter game. I have no idea if its a real anime or a construct of my mind but the machine has a real elaborate gun with moving parts that make a loud noise when "fired". I know because I tried it. Suddenly, I'm aware of the guy on a machine next to me, a large built fella of African decent. He's playing a shooter involving a rocket launcher but on hearing the noise the gun I tried makes he begins talking to me. He makes no comment about my face and I don't remember words specifically but the meaning was something like, "Gosh darned! Now that's a gun! Can I check it out?" I let him have it because I wasn't planning on actually playing the game anyway. He takes it and points it at the screen of the game he was playing. I think he makes a comment like, "It looks even cooler holding it myself!" before he fires it creating the same booming noise and causing the screen to crack. I'm startled by this thinking, "How could the pressure gradient be so intense?" [yeah I'm that much of a nerd] He's excited by it. Might have made a comment in line with, "Yeah! That's awesome! That game was lame anyway!" Soon he's enveloped in the act of wanton destruction. I'm in a state of confused worry thinking, "What if an employee comes by? I should get out of here!" And I do because at that point I woke up.

Well that's the dream I had. I had woken up and had a phone conversation with my great aunt but afterwords I crawled back into bed. During the conversation she had mentioned what a great guy I had become and called me handsome. I know that before I dozed off one of my thoughts was, but I do really want to be handsome? Or do I want to be pretty instead? Those thoughts probably caused my subconscious to cook up this dream when I did doze off. When I woke up I sort of just lied there for a bit. I didn't feel like I was robbed or anything I actually felt good, like my mind was trying to find a way to communicate with me. Things are still not clear but just that feeling was a good one. Are you still with me? I apologize for the length but I'm going to start the actual analysis now.

I think it is quite obvious that the woman and my thoughts on them reflect a desire to be with girls in more than just a romantic way. To live in their girl-world if you will. But the uneasiness and my inability to do so coupled with the fact that the girl I knew was their who definitely painted my nails for laughs illustrates an uncertainty or fear that I would be out of place in that girl-world. That I wouldn't fit in or that deep down I shouldn't even try. That I should maybe just be content as an outsider, empathetically and longingly looking in. Now the nail-polish thing also works on the same logic. There is a dual symbology with it though. Firstly, color symbolism. It can be disputed but to my knowledge in mine and in most cultures white is a color indicative of purity, so the fact that the nail polish is white shows that at least I think the feminine world is a pure one. My inability to join maybe being reflective of a wish not to taint it. The other symbol is in the fact that it belonged to the bride. The two ideas connect, since being a bride is typically thought as the most feminine thing possible, pure and joyous, and completely associated with white garments. I don't think by myself I would be partial to white nail polish I think there was also the innocent and very girlish need to try it as some sort of way to connect with the bride, to see on a small level what it would be like to be one. But at the same time I didn't do it because I felt it would be wrong to intrude and maybe that it just wasn't my turn yet. Though those thoughts and feelings were not apparent during the dream.

Now on to my feminized face. The fact that it was mine and not a strangers is comforting because to me it says that deep down my mind was recognizing the reality of the situation. That if I did transition my face would really be like that, mine but feminine. Kind of like my new avatar, but that is more wishful thinking. Now the fact that I ended up being a punk rock girl is also significant to me. Punk girls can get to be as cute and as girly as they want to be but they can also have attitude and express aggression. More often than not they are able to freely transverse between the male and female worlds, or at least that's how I see them. They can hang out with the guys and go to concerts/party or they can just as easily hang out with girls, talking and relaxing with friends. The hair is also symbolic I think. Since it was blue with streaks of pink it reflects the nature of my situation, that I am really in the group of boys who want to be girls as supposed to the group of girls stuck as boys. Wearing a scarf for fashion is also something I believe is rather feminine but the fact I put on a black hat bearing the logo of a heavy metal band to me shows that either I shouldn't or that I'm just not ready to give up the male way that I have been for 23 years.

Now the part about the balcony really just shows more of the same. But I think the detail that I was faking being engrossed by a phone/video game is my brain trying to tell me something about distracting myself, how I might have been doing it as a way to keep these thoughts away, that if I stop and look up letting them see me smile at them maybe all my fears will be undone and they'll openly invite me to conversation. Idk, the thoughts on this part are not completely formed yet.

Whew! You've gotten this far! Pat yourself on the back maybe get up and stretch. Seriously though, I apologize for the length. Now on to the arcade. Just as obvious as the store, bathroom, and balcony parts illustrate my concerns and worries about entering the feminine world the arcade served to illuminate some of my discomfort with the male world, the reserves I have about leaving it, and a tiny bit of hope that by transitioning I wouldn't really be completely gone from it. The arcade was pretty much barren as I was wondering it, in fact the only person I really had contact with was the guy I mentioned earlier. The fact that it was barren might show my fear that I'll loose people from my past if I make a change. And I think the detail about me carrying something and feeling as if I was doing it by hugging it shows a need for some kind of encouragement or reassurance, in the same sense that a scared child might cling to a stuffed animal or hide behind their parents. The fact that I am not completely just an observer, that I still let my curiosity of the gun drive me to pick it up, well it shows that I wouldn't have to cast away my old interest even with a girl's face and that is comforting.

Now the guy I run into, there's duality there too. My mind just seems bursting with it! I've always loved the idea while conscious so that makes sense. He was shown to me as very much a manly fella, the type that would never even give a question to his gender and unlike me who generally experiences no real discomfort but a lack of enthusiasm, he wakes up every day and is like, "HELL YEAH IT IS AWESOME TO BE A DUDE!" The fact that he made no comment of my face and that he was chiefly interested in the gun is interesting. Its like the male world would as a whole would not come bearing down on me if I sought to leave it or that it wouldn't notice because it would be too psyched about the gun. At the same time his lapse into wanton destruction I find to be indicative of a level of discomfort with masculinity. There were some things that I never agreed with, that I never thought made someone manly and always made me unease. When I was younger and my peers were competitive, and confrontational I would often get picked on. I would usual opt to retaliate in the non-physical manner of actual seeking help, I didn't think fighting back would make me a man, and if it would that isn't who I wanted to be. Also at one point it became a common greeting for guys to punch each other in the shoulder. That always irritated me, why should friends greet each other in a manner that would start fights amongst strangers? I understood high fiving or handshakes but not the hello punch. It just seemed dumb, and typically male something that I saw mostly jocks do. Also the male practice of talking about a woman based on appearance and saying what you'd do to her. Its always bothered me slightly. How can you know what you'd do to someone before you know them? Regardless of gender I never believed it healthy to pursue a relationship of any kind based completely on looks. Rather, as the SAGE test suggested I socialize in an andgrogenous manner. I'd be lying if I said that physical attraction plays no part in it but for the most part I tend to get to know people as my first step to socializing. They could be the most attractive person in the world outside but if inside they are ugly I will not put up with them. This actually has been obvious in my life, in highschool I hung out with all the misfits and they were generally some of the nicest and most wholesome people in the school. Wow, all these thoughts came back over reflecting on a stranger in a dream!

If you got this far, thanks. I hope you enjoyed the ride. I might not be done with this but I can't think of anymore thoughts to put to words. I don't know if this is the correct board for this sort of thing, but I kind of wanted to share it some-place.

[Guest Tiaria]

Hi Orva!

I've had something similar happen to me... If you'd be so friendly to take a look-see?

About being called 'a great guy': my mom says the thing about me. And I wonder (completely ahead of myself) how I'm going to break the news...

Hell, I'm jealous... your dream lasted so much longer...

Love,

Tiaria

[Guest Orva26]

Weird, I actually saw your tread a little bit before that dream happened. I actually voted in the poll too. I couldn't think of anything to say at the time though.

You're reaction to it was a lot stronger than mine. I actually was alluding to your post when I mentioned that when I woke up I didn't feel robbed or panicked, but rather contented that my mind was communicating with me. Your dream was nice in that it seemed very confirmatory. When you were a girl it felt right and the way you always felt. In mine I had a female face but my body was never made apparent to me. Aside from my female face the only other thing I remember is that I was smaller in statue than I am in actuality. And the grand message of mine is that it seems I'd like to be a girl but I still have reserves about actually doing it or it being accepted.

A point of annoyance for me is that this dream seems to be a one shot deal. It might have been longer than yours but I haven't had another one of any length at all. I've taken up thinking good thoughts of becoming female and being accepted while I fall asleep in hopes that maybe that could carry over into my sleep and give more dreams. Guess you can't really force these things. I think I'll probably be printing out the opening post and bringing it with me to therapy at some point but I sure would feel more confident doing that if my darn brain would give me more dreams!