Coming Out After The've Already "figured It Out"?

[Guest becoming_i]

For several years now, I've sat and pondered this. The way I would go about handling that first step, or at least what I assume is the "first step" often times in this long journey. Hibernation mode is wearing on me more and more these days, and I've got to make a change in my life soon.

But I still can't even imagine the coming out process, I could never see it happening. I'm just so terrified.

I've begun to think the best way I could go about this, is to start transition and continue it until they they ask questions. Gradually changing from an androgynous appearance while in their presence, into a more and more feminine one, until they bring something up. Then I tell them, this is why I'm doing this, this is why I am the way I am. But at the same type there would be that feeling of hiding something from them, because of all the things you would still have to do, and wouldn't necessarily be telling anybody about (gender therapist, hrt, etc).

Coming out before everything feels like asking permission to be yourself, to me. I don't want to ask permission. I don't want to be judged and dismissed before I'm given a chance to show them who I am. It feels more natural for them to see who I am, and accept what I am during the process, rather than telling them straight, "I'm about to change my life and everything about it." That just seems like making a bigger "thing" out of it, than it needs to be.

Just wondering if anyone has gone the way of "letting them figure it out"? Any experiences or advice to share? Thanks for your input.

[Guest NotClaire]

Two things could happen:

1) They realize you're trans and are miffed at you for not telling them and giving them a heads up and time to deal. (aka making them mad at you)

2) They may get confused/disoriented and call you out on your most masculine traits or begin over-using words like guy, dude,and man... basically crushing your mid-transition self-esteem (with all the crazy emotions HRT brings). (aka making you mad at them)

You don't have to tell everyone before you start transitioning, but if there are people really close to you in your life (like friends and family) they should really know before hand. If they find out after you've hid it from them, then they will see your whole transition as some taboo act that needs to be hidden from the public. THAT is making a bigger thing out of it than it needs to be. THAT is also what will lead them to dismiss it.

Be confident and explain it to them in terms of your relationship with them. I'm still my friend's friend, my parents' child, my teachers' student, etc. etc... but I'm going to be working to make my outward appearance and presentation better represent my internal gender. No permission asking and no lending myself to judgement.

On top of all that, transition is MUCH less stressful. It's best to begin a new identity with a solid foundation... not lies, secrets, and resentment.

Just my thoughts! Obviously everyone's life is different... I couldn't imagine hiding it in my life though

[Guest Lily B]

I've thought about this too, and I actually think it might be better since people get introduced to the idea gradually instead of all at once. I think that might be better for them emotionally, and for you as well.

[Guest miss kindheart]

I think the first step is self acceptance

If you can truly get past that one you will probably find that you won't really care if others know what you really are

<<<<< hug >>>>>

vanna

[Guest KimberlyF]

Okies...just checked your profile. You are 21. You can do whatever feels comfortable for you. You don't get into specifics and I didn't see any intro post from you though you may have posted one and I missed it...been really busy and haven't been around there this week much. But your post sure does seem like you're talking about some degree of transitioning but I'm not aware of the degree you expect to go. Honestly it doesn't much matter.

I get what you're saying in that when my mom first found out about me I was about your age. She told me it wasn't true and I knew she didn't support me and I slinked back into the closet. I tried to make everyone around me happy but me.

I recently wrote a letter coming out to her. I haven't given it to her because at first there was this rush to come out to everyone, and then it hit me that I have a few things I need to line up to make sure are good to go before I do this. I never thought in those terms (finances, etc) before but I have to start. But the last line in my note to her this time was the following:But this is very important, unlike the last time 20 years ago, I am going to do what I have to do to feel whole and I'm not asking your permission.

You can come out to people and be firm and make it point of fact and not up for debate. It doesn't mean it won't sting or rip you apart if there is rejection. That's the risk you take if you are honestly not asking permission.

If you have the ability to see a therapist and figure out everything for sure prior to coming out that's not really a bad thing because then you're also coming at them with the backing of a 'pro' and not just some ideas you have, plus on the off chance you find this is something else (doubtful if you feel so sure and so strong but it's happened) you don't come out and then have to do a my bad...you also might know exactly where you are?

Kim